Everyone says not to compare myself - but I can’t help it

I’ve been married the same length of time! I didn’t have an engagement party either, but lots of younger work colleagues did/daughters and sons of friends/friends nieces, nephews etc have had engagement parties.

Have you considered shared ownership? Would be a great stepping stone onto the property ladder and you wouldn't need such a large deposit either.

I remember feeling this way when I was in my 20's. A girl I'd been at college with was on Facebook posting about how it was the end of an era because she was SELLING her first house... bought it with her boyfriend a few years previously and decided it was time to move onwards and upwards to the next place. A whole house, at 25. I wondered what I was doing so horribly wrong until a mutual friend pointed out that her parents were loaded. She'd had her rent paid for before buying, then her deposit gifted to her along with monthly "help".

It's like comparing yourself to Richard Branson's kids. They're very lucky, and it has absolutely no reflection on you or your worth.

You're still so young - trust me, you're doing great.

No. Never. Mind you I've been married for over 30 years so things must have changed. None of my friends from then did either (and they were almost all a lot wealthier than we were).

It sounds as if you are healthy, happy in your job and about to be promoted, in secure housing and in love with your partner - sounds like a great life and better than many.

If you want to have more money to spend then you'll have to make a plan. I don't agree with pp who attribute financial success to family handouts. I know that happens but know plenty of people who managed without it, and so did I. I think seeing people with more and thinking it's unattainable without a handout is very defeatist and unhealthy.

We didn’t have an engagement party.

You love your job, you know how rare that is? One of the hardest things to achieve.

You’ve never heard of engagement parties?? Really??

I know for a fact that people I know who have bigger houses than me etc have either had a lot of financial help from family (we haven’t) or they are much higher earners than we are. Nothing we can do about that! Not in the career i am in anyway. DH might earn more in the future but not mega bucks!

Why can't you get engaged? Surely you ask one another (or he asks you/whatever) and that's it? Rings don't have to be expensive. Why have a party? Is this a new thing?

You are absolutely correct. Inherited and gifted money props up house prices and creates more inequality.

I bought a house at 24, as far as anyone else knew I must have been doing really well.

I wasn't, my Dad had just agreed to lend me tens of thousands of pounds with no interest. I didn't pay him back until my late thirties.

You have no idea how other people afford the things they do. The might have extortionate amounts of credit card debt. They might have parents who can afford to give them a leg up.

Life isn't a monopoly board where everyone starts at the same level. Some people start with £2 to their name, some people start with 4 properties on the board. Some people get £200 every time they pass go, some people get £3000.

I was living in a shared house at 27 working and studying at a prestigious University and single as I had decided to retrain and had left my clinical job in the NHS. Because even back then it was a shitshow and I thought I cannot cope with the level of appalling decision making and seeing such waste all my life.

The status of closest friends that I had known since school or college plus current work colleagues at that age was very variable but most were single, many living in shared houses.

Roll on and by the time I was 54 of women who I have been good friends with in my life 3 have died. Various degrees of success with men, careers, money, fertility, children.

Now at 27 if you had asked me how these women’s lives would have panned out I just wouldn’t have known. I didn’t even know how mine would though I had a plan.

Never ever compare yourself to others, just be a friend, it’s a waste of mental energy. you chose that career I assume or is it just something you do? If you love your job then fair play if you do not love your job it’s far easier to retrain now.

It often is family money though so I don’t get your problem.

Plenty of people around us have wealthy DPs or GPs and either already have or will inherit six figure sums in their early 20s. Many of our university friends were bought flats in London by their parents in the 90s that have gained value to the point they live in £ multi million houses in their 40s while having low paid careers.

People generally won’t tell you that though.

Comparing yourself, OP?
It's OK, we are human beings.
I'm 45 and my (unsolicited) advice would be -
put yourself first and try your absolute best for yourself.
It works, but it can be hard before you get there.

Grow up.

If you want these things op then working for the nhs isn’t going to deliver. So work elsewhere, chose a different career. You can’t make choices, knowing the constraints, then whinge those who made more lucractive choices have more, you’re an adult

You are both young so if you want to earn more you have time (like you’ll never have again once you have kids…) to focus on retraining or taking steps to position yourselves for well paid jobs.

If you want to buy and need to build up a lot of cash to do it - and don’t have family money - you’re going to have to earn it. Your and your DPs skills will be transferable to other industries that pay better. Your DP could stretch himself to apply for entry level jobs that have a career path rather than admin, or look at retraining/gaining skills that pay more.

Bear in mind that while you are envying others, many your age who appear to have money will working crazy hours in demanding jobs with no life, but driving really hard. A 9-5 admin job gives you time and low stress, which has a lot to be said for it. DH and I and many of our friends have absolutely grafted from our early 20s but many now comment on our ‘privilege’. We’ve never had a penny of family money (there isn’t any).

You don’t need money to get engaged. It’s a promise to one another. You can get a symbolic ring from Claire’s accessories. No one I know blew money on an engagement party - they needed it for a house deposit! I think you need to either adjust your attitude to appreciate the benefits of the life you have, or accept that if you want to earn and spend more you are both really well positioned to up your earnings in the next five years while you’re costs are low (no childcare etc.)

My friend has a lovely life - lovely house bought on her own, fab car, owns a campervan so her and her dc can take off at a moments notice, lovely clothes and expensive makeup.

If I didn't know her so well, id be incredibly jealous. However I do know it's funded entirely by an inheritance a grandparent left her because she had a hard start and he truly wanted her to enjoy life. I also know that she'd give every penny of it back (and a bit more) to have one extra month with her grandad.

I know it's hard (and I do know this because I get obsessive about things I 'need' to own) but life isn't about things. It really isn't. It's about people and moments.

Getting off social media will make you feel a lot better.

It's natural to compare yourself to others but in your case you are only comparing yourself to people who you perceive to be doing better than you. If you're going to compare your life to others, include people in all situations. Some will be doing better, some will be doing worse.
In the example you give, so what if she got engaged in Bali? Do you think that makes her relationship stronger, will her marriage be better quality?
Have your moment of envy then focus on what you already have and what is important for your future that you want to work towards.

If you would like that lifestyle what actions are you prepared to take to make it happen? Rather than accepting it and feeling sad, decide not to accept it and take action to change it?

I found leaving social media made this all a lot better! I have plenty of money and a good life but it still made me feel inadequate- it’s not you, it’s the point of it!

This helps.

Help from family. Bank of mum and dad. Inheritances.

My partner's 2 adult children have been given masses of help. Both sets of GPs gave large amounts for 21st birthdays. Partner and his ex both set up savings plans and handed over at 21st. GGPs left inheritances.

Both in early 20s and able to purchase homes.