18 year old is pushing me to the limit with rudeness

Sounds like he needed to learn some life lessons at university!
I would put the following in place

• rent (reasonable amount, not token) this may encourage more work hours
• separate fridge/food space where he can store his stuff which he now buys
• whilst he can be welcome to eat with you he needs to tell you in advance whether that’s the case
• allocated chores (beyond just cleaning his own room and clothes)

So who is he expecting to PAY for his university when he goes next year? Will he only get minimum loan? As you can trun round and say you won't be supporting him if his intentions are to be mean to you and lazy around on his arss for a year not doing anything.

Tell him to pull his fingers out get a full time job and stop doing any of his chores for him. He can cook, clean and do his own laundry or move out.

He sounds really unhappy, and is lashing out by making everyone else in his family unhappy too.
I feel for you OP and I also wonder what is going on in his head to make him behave this way. One of mine has definitely had his moments (for phases of weeks on end sometimes) and it’s always related to something internal going on, some fear or anxiety and me being mum, I’m a safe person to take it out on.
Obviously that’s not ok and I have boundaries and things I will not tolerate, but the impact of enforcing those and feeling like I live in a state of war all the time fucked with both my mental and physical health.
Dont fling around ultimatums that you will sling him out, but do stop cooking him meals and explain you will need him to increase work hours and contribute to food costs. Try to stay calm, try to keep communication channels open and find some time (if possible) to spend some time alone with him. Act like you like him (this is hard when you feel really angry and hurt) and praise ANYTHING he does right.
It’s so easy to huff and puff and say “ no child of mine” but sometimes teens can spiral into misery and they do actually need help. I got counselling for mine which he refused initially because I realised the problem was serious. Good luck x

Change the wifi password. He can have it back when he is regularly paying rent, cooking meals, being responsible for cleaning his own and communal areas, doing his own laundry.

Blackpool** I LOVE that poster. It's so true 😂

OP only you know your ds best to know which tactic will work.

But some will respond to carrot and some stick.

So either he needs incentives to do something and help to see why he needs to do x y and z.

Some kids need to be told straight that you won't put up with this shit and its shape up or ship out.

But no, he doesn't get to live life how he is. I'd give him a chance to sort it out but tell him as off September when DS2 goes back to school X y and z are the rules. Get dh to talk to him and lay down the law.

And either charge him for food and he gets what he wants to cook his own or you cook and the rest is locked away so he doesn't waste it.

Nothing I can say to help my son has lived on and off with us since being an adult he’s 30now and back with us as rent here is higher than his ft wage. It’s very difficult.

Here the rules haven’t ever changed either be respectful, do your own washing, clean your area and up after yourself and cook meals for others sometimes….standard decent behaviour but it has been ignored many times.

But board here has always been a quarter of income. Never altered as I thought that’s the fairest, and no I’ve not always been given that figure either. I know others where it’s a third on the premise of a third for bills, third for saving third for spending as people used to live. But that was before the col.

You need to set ground rules and stick to them. If he won't listen then write it down or text him.

He needs to pay his own way (and probably work more to do that)
Have meals with you or buy his own food and make his own
Do his own washing and tidying
Treat you with respect.

If he wants to be treated like an adult he needs to act like one.

this message comes to mind.

start treating him like an adult instead of a child.

1. he cooks his own meals
2. he buys hiw own food
3. he does his own washing
4. he cleans up after himself.
5. he contributes to keeping the rest of the house clean

If he doesn't want to do any of those things he leaves and lives on his own.

' He spends all day in bed and either games all night until the early hours or goes.out. He has a pair time job. '

that is not usually what a gap year is all about.

who is he going out with - friends that are also having a gap year or friends that will be leaving soon and going to University or friends that are not going to university ?

So put your foot down! You're enabling his awful behaviour & letting him take the piss. Time for a set of house rules & some tough love. No way would I let my teen treat me/the family/our house in that way. It's not doing him any favours whatsoever in the long run.

Exactly potted. Dd talked back rudely to Dh on a family holiday she was pre school so pretty young. She never did that again. He was so calm but devastating “nobody talks to me like that”’etc. As a result in our family we are all polite to each other. Not perfect get the odd huff but like fuck would I be treated like this by anyone least of all my own flipping kid!

You really only have yourselves to blame for this behaviour. As parents you should have set the ground rules for behaviour as he grew up and not deviated from them. There is no way any of my children would have behaved like this as they always knew what was expected of them as both myself and DH imposed the same standards.

Indeed. The FIRST time he spoke to me in a rude or disrespectful manner would be the time to tackle it. What a dreadful example his is giving to his younger brother.

We had the same problem. So we said that he needed to get a job and pay rent. We looked at the cost of a room in a shared house and said we would be fair and charge a lot less at 400 per month.

We stopped cooking and said he needed to buy and cook his own food as well as toiletries and do his own laundry.

He was very unhappy, as it was all a bit of a shock, but after a few weeks he's decided not to have a gap year, but to go to uni now instead.

Do not enable him op, the longer you do, the worse it will get. He needs to grow up and have some reality of being an adult.

You need to put non negotiable boundaries in place. He pays to live in your house and treats you with respect. Sorts his own food and washing out, also keeps his room free of takeaway boxes etc which are unhygienic. Otherwise he gets out. Your house your rules. He treats you this way because you allow it.

Is there a chance he is depressed?

Has he actually deferred a university place or has he just not applied - I suspect he will not be going to uni next year. As a pp said this isn't a gap year its just being lazy. If he has A level results he could still go or do a Foundation year. Or he gets a job or he lives with a mate. Stop cooking, washing etc...just stop everything.

I wondered about his mental health too. Withdrawing, constant gaming, becoming nocturnal.

It is very hard when he is being so rude and disrespectful but my first priority would be to try to establish lines of communication.

@Myhouseisnotahotel you need to set clear boundaries.

Board can be £400 a month. (Check online how much it is to rent a room in an HMO). This includes rent and bills. He does his own laundry. He cooks his own food or he let's you know by 2pm if he will be wanting to join the family meal that evening. No food in rooms.

Write the rules down.

This isn't a gap year - he's just being a lazy bum and you need to make sure you set clear boundaries otherwise he'll get too comfortable, not take the uni place ans sponge off you forever.

Myhouseisnotahotel

In the nicest possible way, stressing and wishing will change nothing.
You are being ruled by an eighteen year old, who thinks he is in charge and you are an inconvenience. You have no guarantee that he will go to uni - he may decide that this is his ideal.
You get your husband on board, and you tell him that from this moment onwards things change. He has a very small window of opportunity to turn things around or he leaves. If his reply is 'shut up' or 'go away' it results in his bags packed and slung out.

Yes, that would be a hard thing to do, but your alternative is that this gets worse.

Mine is having difficulty working out that if they are civil they recieve and if they're not they get fuck all.
This is even after explaining that treating people with manners and courtesy will help them go through life so much easier.
Yesterday they ended up walking for two miles because I wouldn't give them a lift. Had they asked nicely instead of demanding then it would have been no problem. Once I say NO then there is no shifting. Even though they asked a further seven times. Not one please!! So they left in a huff. Hopefully on the two mile walk they reflected on the request, but I doubt it.

Bloody hell.

No more coking for him.
No more doing his washing.
Insist of a financial contribution
I'd also be changing the WiFi password until he learns to behave.

If he's taking a year out I'd expect him to be self funding and either working or travelling. I didn't charge board during uni but I did when they started working full time.

My dds weren't too bad, I had rules about no old food /plates left in the bedroom and no middle of night cooking. Both would take a turn to load the dishwasher one night a week. One emptied the bins, one changed the beds. Both did their own laundry.

Cooking I said to let me know if they wanted tea, if I was doing something nice I'd mention it and ask if they wanted in. They had free rein to cook but I asked them to let me know if they used last of something or check if it was meat or similar that I didn't need it. If they didn't ask I didn't cook for them.

They came in when they wanted, had friends round. Boyfriends were allowed to stop once we had met them a few times. No one night stands. They basically lived their own lives as they choose.

You need a meeting, you and your dh with your son. A discussion about how this year is going to look. Your expectations and his.
Decide what's a hard line for you - do you want board?, housework contributions?
If he refuses to cooperate he needs to find an alternative living arrangement.