To think many people don't understand true loneliness?

It sounds like you have your health, though, which puts you at a massive advantage over people like me, who are disabled and mostly housebound.

I have a family, but I'm always so ill, no one really spends time with me. I spend every day staring at four walls and I'd give anything for a mate to pop over and sit on the bed with me for a movie and Chinese food.

It's a shame there isn't a befriending service for people like you who are able to get out and about, to befriend people like me, who can't. You could always volunteer for Age Concern's befriending service, but you'd be visiting people a bit older.

Could you have some counselling to explore your sense of self-worth and see how that might be impacting your relationships with other people. I'm saying this because you mentioned being used and tossed aside when someone 'better' comes along.

I completely understand OP, it is crushing but I've got used to it now. I'm very long term single and currently have agoraphobia so can't leave the house.

I live by myself and don't have any friends. Even when I could leave the house and worked, I was still lonely.

I've done a lot; travelled a lot and done lots of activities but am very lonely. It's led me to make stupid mistakes and have relationships with toxic people because I enjoy the company.

I can't remember the last time I had a hug or shared my feelings with someone in real life.

Well I have absolutely no one in my life to listen to my deepest worries, but I am not prickly and defensive. I am more alone than OP who lives with her step dad. I have no parents, so partner, no children, no sibilings. I do have a small group of friends (mostly people I worked with) who I meet for coffee every few weeks, but they all have families and I don't discuss my worries with them. I am retired and most days my interactions are only with people in shops or maybe I might meet someone I know on the street. If I became seriously ill I have no support network. I just get on with it, I don't sit around and mope. The time may come when I feel I need more people in my life, at that stage I will make an effort to find people. No-one actually needs to be lonely, there are plenty of places to interact with others but you have to be prepared to go out and look, you can't expect them to come to you.

May I add a different perspective here OP? I think loneliness is on the contrary much more pervasive than you would believe. In fact , you might feel better if you realized that loneliness is something you share with lots of people.
Each one of us is an island, surrounded by other islands. So in that sense you are not alone! Be gentle with yourself and realize that you are not an oddity or unusual for having these feelings. Accept yourself as you are. You are OK. And remember nothing is permanent, you will eventually get passed this.

@hi2416

Well said, how kind.

@PhoebeFeels thank you for your post. You have articulated exactly how I feel at times. I hope you find your next interesting project. Mine are not that interesting but here goes. I am trying to look forward to moving to a new house but there is lots of work to do to it to get it habitable. It’s stressful but it’s giving me purpose.
When I am settled my future plan is to clear a small rubbish strewn area near my new house. The council is uninterested in it and don’t maintain it. I am going to put nice planter there and fill it with cheerful plants.I won’t have my current large garden to maintain so will make a new small garden at my new house.I hate ‘putting myself out there’ but I will try and join the volunteers who look after other planters and hanging baskets in the town.I hope you have managed to read the kind posts @CobaltQueen .

The thought of 48 hours, or longer, without speaking to anyone is my idea of heaven

Yes, fair enough, we all like some time to ourselves.

Now think of the foreseeable future, maybe the rest of your life without speaking to anyone.

That's loneliness.

Do you remember lockdown? How you couldn't see your friends and family?

That's what some people's whole lives are like.

Exactly with loneliness often depression sets in and that spiral of not wanting to mix with people because of the depression only adds to the loneliness.
It's a vicious cycle and hard to break out of .
Perhaps a GP appointment and explore what help is out there and take it from there.wishing you all the best op.

I think you need to keep on making the effort. The reality is that unless you have young dependent children, no one really needs anyone. Someone can have loads of friends but when it comes down to it each individual prioritises their own lives. Even husbands and wives can lead quite separate lives in many cases.

Maybe start thinking about what you could offer to others rather than what they can give to you. Phone old friends or take up an activity locally. Do something you enjoy so that even if you don't make friends you are getting something out of it. And come off social media - it only makes it seem worse

I hear you too OP. I've felt crushing loneliness, still do occasionally but I am happier with my life now and how I fill my time. When I'm feeling down I just try to tell myself I won't feel that level of down forever. What changed for me is I just happened to end up working with a group of people around my age also without kids and we all enjoy each other's company. But that was luck. The other thing that changed was I invested in my passion (partly because I now have the money to!), and I feel very fortunate to have the health and income for that. When I couldn't do my hobby for nearly two years in the pandemic I literally wanted to die. I felt like my life was completely empty.

And some well meaning but slightly patronising suggestions don't really help. I love dancing and spending all my money and time at dance classes, including the aforementioned salsa; while people are generally friendly it's not great for deep and meaningful connections. I also get why someone single and lonely wouldn't want to spend time working for free volunteering and giving themselves physically and emotionally for nothing in return. I've done quite a lot of volunteering and just meet married/retired people who toddle back off to family life after the activity, they don't go there to find people to hang out with chilling at other times.

That's not to say volunteering and salsa and whatever are pointless and meaningless, but it's quite hard to form meaningful relationships, and it's easy to spiral into feeling even worse about yourself if you still don't find your tribe.

I had the same university experience as you, and was vividly reminded of it when the OP wrote of it "physically hurting" when she saw acquaintances having great social lives. That's exactly how it felt to me as well.

Marriage didn't save me, but I had DS young and I haven't felt lonely since. However, he is now the age I was when he was born (23) and is preparing to move out, as is DD1 (19). I kind of feel like my adult life has come full circle, and I hope I won't feel the way I felt before. I don't think so, because I've been very busy trying to re-establish my life and build a career in a new country, and busyness is the antidote to unhelpful introspection IMHO. (Or I could just try salsa dancing into Mass on Sunday, but I'm not sure those sort of "helpful" tips are very useful in reality!)

I agree with you that there probably isn't anything wrong with the OP. PPs implying that a lonely person must have some hideous personality defect that makes everyone run for the hills are naïve or trolling. I know plenty of unpleasant people IRL who aren't short of friends and family, and the internet is full of threads started by seemingly nice, normal people who say they have nobody. I don't have the solution, but I feel like this is a predicament that anybody could find themselves in after a move or a breakup, or simply if they come from an unsupportive family.

@CobaltQueen I totally get it. I have been long term single (over 10 years) after an abusive relationship, followed by stalking. All people I would consider friends are married and do things with their husbands and children on weekends.

Feel free to PM me

I think if you are low it becomes v hard to meet people, I found it terribly awkward. I found depression fed social anxiety and you get in a spiral. Thankfully support is out there.

But how do you know that other people haven’t had to work very hard to forge relationships? Many of us aren’t ‘naturally’ surrounded by love and friendship, it’s the result of unpicking negative childhood scripts about relationships learned from critical, withdrawn, abusive or timid parents, and repeatedly putting ourselves out there, over and over again, dealing with rejection etc.

OP, I’m so sad to read this. Have you considered getting a therapist? It’s someone to talk to, regularly, and could be so helpful.

Another thing - what about a dog? You would meet people training the dog and there are always dog walking clubs around you could do daily?

I’m sure it’s not easy to take a step and these things are easier said than done, but it must be possible to make one change.

Do you have a job?

I really hope someone can help you on this thread.

Yes I do think it was ok. As I said, different perspectives. Otherwise what's the point of posting? The OP has had tons of empathetic and thoughtful responses in the mix.

What I don't think is ok is saying to someone "you are disgusting" for an innocuous comment on a discussion thread.

I'm derailing the thread now so will stop. Apologies OP and I hope you find a way to feel that human connection soon ❤️

In fact I'm looking to go back to shift work as a nurse because weekends/BH/Christmas etc are very empty for me, and I might as well get the extra money!

You are very right. I have DD but she's a teen and doesn't want to hang either me as much. My family are quite distant and no partner.

The other day I made myself go to an art market event in my town, and it just made me feel worse seeing all the happy families/couples/ friend groups. So TBH I don't bother mostly with this stuff.

I don't think a lot of people understand real loneliness particularly if they have spouse/big families. Would love to go for a summer evening walk and a chat, but no-one to do it with.

Long term single and have generally made best of what I can but real, sustained loneliness is incredibly hard. When I have had people stay with me or been away with others I have realised that that alone alleviates any depression v significantly. I find trying to be physically healthy helps a lot. Also low effort interactions, for example park run. You are around people but you’re not under pressure. Good place to start. It’s hard. Don’t give up hoping for something better. A few small changes can make a big difference Try to keep mixing because as you say, if you don’t it gets harder.

Yes @CobaltQueen I understand, I am in a different age group to you but I get it.
The suggestions about Salsa or pottery or getting a bloody dog are only ways of passing the time. What we have to devise for ourselves is how to have a a new purpose in our lives when it looks as if the rest of the world is complete and 'they don't need us'.
We have to generate some curiosity from within us. It must come from us, deep within ourselves we need to find it.
Last year I thought my interest in history was going to be strong enough and I set myself a project. After 6 months I realised that wasn't enough as I was studying alone. I still like history and where I live has links to one of the least well known events of English history. I will carry on but at a lower intensity and carry on looking for something more.
PM me if interested in swapping ideas.

It’s not easy for some people to put themselves out there and meet new people. If you’ve had no support all your life you don’t feel able to do this.

No she isn't, she's coming across as sad, disillusioned and exasperated by the lack of emotional support and connection in her life.

Another one with a lack of emotional intelligence.

You think that post was OK? The OP making it all about themselves.

Dear @CobaltQueen I too am sorry you feel so lonely. I don't think you are looking for advice so I won't offer any. Just letting you know that I think it is hard and yes most people won't really understand. Despite all our supposed ways to connect, a lot of people find it hard to make new deep connections as everyone seems so afraid to commit to anything. I hope things improve for you and I am rooting for you.

Also some posters are such fecking heartless p888ks!