To think many people don't understand true loneliness?

I understand OP. I live overseas, no one nearby. It’s really, really hard. I work, volunteer, go to the gym, etc. At most, polite ‘we should have coffee’ - then when you follow up and invite someone for that coffee they run a mile. The loneliness can be physically painful. You don’t sound prickly at all - you sound like someone who’s had to put up defences to protect yourself from the constant rejection and the hurt caused by the loneliness. People who’ve never been truly lonely don’t understand how utterly, utterly exhausting it is to feel that constant isolation.

I Don't understand from a personal experience but have seen it with my own eyes. I work on an elderly ward and I have seen many patients over the years who literally have no one. No next of kin to ring in an emergency, no friends, family or even neighbours who are there for them. We usually get red Cross involved prior to discharge. I know people are complaining about pp's suggesting groups/ churches etc but not sure what else there is to suggest. You can make friends that way, or online friendship groups/ charities/ events in your area ❤

I ended up feeling like you do for many years after I was relocated for my safety. I was in no state of mind to even try to get to know people for a long time. It really tests you, living like that. But the good news is that I finally, and slowly, started making connections with people. My circle is still very small, and I actively choose to be by myself a lot of the time. And the bonus is that when you have lived with that kind of loneliness, you realise that you are all you need, and that really helps with boundaries when it comes to friendships and relationships. This won’t be forever, I promise, the right people will come along. I realise I sound a bit of a barking mad hippy, but I felt it was a very difficult life lesson from the universe, and only when I had been through the process of acceptance did the right people start coming along.

I’m sorry @kitchendiscotime but the way your post was written sounded extremely flippant. When people are in despair, as the OP sounds, it is not a good attitude to adopt.

You sounded like a Jilly Cooper character “oh there’s you complaining about losing two stone because of chemo - and me wishing I could lose a bit of weight”.

Someone has tried to explain to you that @CobaltQueen would perhaps crave some downtime if her interaction bank account was all used up; but that is not the case.

If your first response to @CobaltQueen’s original post is not to make you feel very sad, then really you weren’t reading it carefully enough.

This is just an aside for those who dread Christmas alone:

If you have the means, from now until 1 December, start ordering yourself some treats. Need not be costly; I focus on used books via Amazon, home spa or beauty products, craft supplies, candles, incense, DVDs, pet toys if you have a pet, puzzles, tech gadgets like a bluetooth speaker, maybe a pashmina, whatever does it for you.

When they arrive just put them away unopened. In a box under the bed, closet, garage, etc. Resist the urge to look.

Even if they aren't wrapped in pretty paper, by the time you open them on December 25 there will be at least a small element of surprise (if you are as forgetful as I am) and you'll have some treats to eke out over the day. This gambit has really saved the day on the Christmases I have spent alone since most of my family members died.

I really prefer a home alone Christmas with food treats, my few self-ordered present, Christmas/classic films or carols, candles and other comforts to being a fifth wheel perched on the edge of someone else's sofa.

Same for New Year's Eve: have a plan that involves comforts, treats and pampering.

@CobaltQueen OP, you are completely right on everything and you have expressed and articulated single life far better than I ever could.

I believe every person on mumsnet should pause and reflect on your words, and give them due consideration.

It really isn’t that unusual and it’s not just you, believe me.

@WearyAuldWumman

I totally get it. 💐💐💐

OP, I'm not going to suggest that you go to a club. However, the one thing that has helped me to an extent is to join an exercise class. I've not made friends with folk there, but I sometimes chat to people there and I always feel better after having had 45 minutes of exercise, to the extent that I've taken out a gym pass.

It took me all my time to force myself to go, but I'm glad that I did. You might want to try something similar if you can find something in your area - not even a class with other people, but just getting a gym induction might help? Not in the sense of meeting people, but I do find that exercising lifts my mood.

Sorry if that comes across as patronising - it's not meant to be. I'm just throwing it out as a suggestion.

Oh shit sorry.... I thought it was like the groups and coffee morning people.

I'm going to assume you're talking about yourself, and I'm going to give you a straightforward answer, even though you may not like it.

First, I think people who are lonely may well PREFER to think others don't understand. That makes it easy to think, Oh, I'm a special person with special insights, and you are just too dense to grasp the reality of the situation.

Second, I think what may be hard for others would be to understand why people STAY lonely. Technically, of all our problems, this is a comparatively easy one to try to deal with. It's not like being blind or paraplegic or homeless. As you say, there are a host of standard suggestions and solutions.

But, really, if we're asking about what's "reasonable," is it reasonable that we all expect easy quick solutions to the immediate problem? You're absolutely right that it doesn't always work out - in fact, maybe it mostly doesn't work out. But isn't that true of everything? None of us would be silly enough to expect our first time job-hunting to immediately result in the perfect job.

It's unfortunately a sad fact that the tendency in modern life is toward things that are likely to make us lonelier. And no one is immune. Someone can have an idyllic marriage and then suddenly find herself widowed. All we can do is soldier on. And, by the way, part of the idea is to choose activities doing something you enjoy or something you think is meaningful, so you get that pleasure even if you don't make connections.

Thank you. I just love your username so much! I sometimes listen to YouTube meditations at night-time too (I leave it running while I drift off thinking/hoping that my mind might absorb it all while I sleep! 😊) I'll have to listen to your recommendation 🤍
Oh, and short silly comedy sketches - I find they help with lightening my mood when I need it.

I have my will sitting on my mantelpiece...

I do have cousins, but most of them are older than I am. Their grandchildren don't really know me.

I'm fortunate in that I occasionally see my late husband's brother and SIL, but they live many miles away.

One of my cousins has heavily hinted that I should organise a direct cremation for myself. I think I'm still going to organise a 'proper' cremation service, just for my own sake. If no one is there other than the celebrant, so be it.

My late husband has children and an adult grandchild, but they told me they couldn't come to his funeral because of lockdown. (They would have been allowed, in actual fact and they had the means to attend.) I was very obliging until about 3 months after the funeral when I finally cracked. It's a long story, but they're no longer in touch with me.

i'm going to organise my funeral to suit myself.

@Ger1atricMillennial Sorry I was being sarcastic

It's a terrible suggestion

I felt this way for quite a long time, OP

It may or may not be interesting to you that I'm still alone and far more isolated than I was then. I don't feel lonely now, however, and I respond normally to human touch. Hurrah. What brought this change?
.. antidepressants
.. therapy
.. talk helplines
.. talking to myself (really!)

It might not feel like this is relevant for you - but have you talked to your GP about it?

PPs' suggestions above are good, as well. Maybe try a bit of everything. You deserve to feel at ease with your life. Good luck.

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/seeking-help-for-a-mental-health-problem/mental-health-helplines/

I was fortunate: I did meet and marry. My husband died three years ago: I'm now on my own.

For many years, I was working full-time and caring for my parents and then my husband. My social circle shut down apart from work colleagues. I finished up retiring early because of my husband's health and my boss's unwillingness to cut my hours.

I have no siblings and no children of my own. I do have a couple of older friends, but they have their own families and lives. I made another couple of friends. One was absolutely intent on bullying me - though I'm sure she didn't see it that way. Once she knew she wasn't getting her own way, she ceased contact.

The other friend - another colleague - I'm in contact with from time to time, but (again) I've had to avoid being a pushover.

So - no judgement from me, OP. Sometimes life doesn't quite work the way you expect.

You're still young and I hope that you'll be able to broaden your social circle.

I do understand where you're coming from. One day, I bought myself a Chinese take-away. The woman behind the counter asked if I was okay....I explained that it would have been my Pearl Wedding that week. She took my hands and gripped them. I nearly burst into tears on the spot.

Its only easy if its something you can already do- people who are chronically lonely probably don't find this easy.

The OP is not looking for a solution, she just wants to be heard and validated in her feelings. We can't fix this for her, but we can help her feel valued by showing that we listened.

That's a nice easy solution

Sorry but that's the worst advice - for anyone feel low, dating apps can make you feel x 100 worse.

Sometimes someone says "hello" to me when I'm out walking and I croak a reply. It's because I haven't spoken to anyone at all in 2-3 days. My voice seizes up!

Drop me a DM if you want to chat at all.

I am surprised at people asking how someone could end up in this position. I think it could happen to anyone really, just a few things in life go a certain way and there you are. I certainly don’t think it says anything about the person who is in this lonely position, it doesn’t make them odd or any different to anyone else. Please never feel that this is because something is wrong with you OP.

I feel you sending hugs

This is such a good post. This is kind of what I was trying to say about being your own best friend first, but much better!

I like the meditation apps too. My fave is Great Meditations on YouTube. Mostly just 10 mins, but they work wonders. I never thought I could do them, but this one seemed to click for some reason ... Lovely story about your cardiologist.

Absolutely soul destroying to shut the door of your home with the realisation that you are totally alone and will not have any contact with anyone and that you matter so little to anybody else. All the more difficult as you get older, retire, are infirm etc. Many many people in this situation and the majority I think find it so difficult to try and reach out or be the one that instigates conversations for fear of rejection. But if you can please try and fake it till you make it. Hold yourself with confidence when out and about. Make a point of smiling and eye contact. Cheerfully say hello, what a gorgeous garden, lovely dog. Pretend life is good and fingers crossed it soon will be. Good luck Op, lots of positive vibes xx

I know it's hard but you have to put yourself out there. I have suffered from social anxiety since my teens. Spent my 20/30s not going out and in my 40's started joining groups etc. it's been bloody tough and nearly 10 years later I've finally started to make friends.

It's hard when there cliques and you feel like the outsider, nobody talks to you. I've had to go upto people and talk to them, you have to approach people, stop waiting for people to contact you and invite them or invite yourself if you hear about an event. I still have good/bad days and come home and cry as feel so alone.

Google for groups or organisations in yr area, that support people with mental health, loneliness as it's easier with people who understand what you're going through. She if your doctor has a social prescriber worker whose job is to help with loneliness.

I've tried it all walking, running, cycling, cinema , gardening groups, board games, meet up, craft groups, Inner wheel, WI, walking netball, walking football, Tuneless choir, Find groups with mind, canal trust, football clubs, libraries. I know it maybe hard if you're in a scheduled area.

I've met 100s off people and clicked with about 2 people in 10 years, who I got on with and started doing stuff together, outside groups we met.

But don't give up, you'll have to attend events many times to get to know people. I wanted everyone to like me but that's not going to happen.

I wish you luck, I've never tried meeting people online as it's not my thing but that's other option.