To think many people don't understand true loneliness?

Totally agree! I’m surprised nobody has managed to squeeze in the classic comment…

’Wow, what a prince’ 😂🤦‍♀️

OP you are right that most people don't understand. It is incredibly painful but it doesn't have to be this way for you though.

I am in my 50s, have always been single, have a tiny family that lives hours away, so have had many years to negotiate with this. I do have friends, but most of them live hours away, and I have made them at all stages of my life, not just at school.

I am very introverted and quite socially anxious so making new friends doesn't come naturally to me. At various times of my life the below has worked:

• work friends
• living in a flat share (with shared living room and more than just one other person)
• doing residential courses ie holidays away in things that interest me
• Bumble BFF
• backpacking alone and staying in hostels (this was in my 20s though not sure what it would be like older)

Things that haven't led to long term friends but which gave me company I enjoyed and were fun were - acting classes, going away with companies like Explore. they are group holidays with a mix of singles and couples. I don't like travelling alone particularly for e.g a week, I do go for long weekends.

Therapy at various points has helped as well, as it's someone to discuss your feelings and you don't get so mired down in your feelings.

Saying 'most people wouldn't do the things they suggest' is probably right, but they are not in that position to have to do it. And a lot of people DO do the things they suggest.

I'm going to venture something that may be unpopular but here goes. Whenever you get these threads you get talk of people who used to have friends but dropped them because they were "shallow" or "users".

Whilst no one likes to be taken advantage of, I wonder if some lonely people have expectations that are too high or an unrealisitic definition of friendship. There is nothing wrong with so called transactional or situational friendships. Some of those may turn in to deep long lasting friendships but most won't and that is ok, enjoy the company in the moment.

Mr Monkey is one of those aforementioned people who can enter a bar and come out 2 hours later with five friends. How does he do it? By being confident, by talking to people, being generous with his.time and most importantly by having no expecations other than the joy of socialising in the moment - his running buddies who he goes for long runs and after run drinks with are just that - people he goes for a run and a pint with. One guy has turned in to a deeper friend as he lives locally to us and they stsrted running together to keep each other company when they were both out of work during lockdown while I was overwhelmed with too much work!

Anyway TL:DR don't dismiss "superficial" friendships.

It’s still very OTT to call someone ‘disgusting!’ Absolutely no need for that, so we’ll have to agree to disagree on this one.

You are right, there is a difference. However, OP complains of being lonely yet is not prepared to get out there and interact with other people so what does she expect? People do not come to you, you have to put yourself out there and find them. It may take a while, it may never happen, but you have to be pro-active about it. Sitting at home complaining that you are lonely is not going to change anything. Why can't people see that? Lots of people are long term single, some by choice, some not - it's not the worst thing in the world.

I'm afraid I have no patience with people who envy what others have but make no effort to change their circumstances.

I think what people aren't realising is that enjoying spending time alone is a choice, a preference. Loneliness without choice is social isolation. Social isolation like the OP is describing is devastating.

The difference between the two things is that the OP finds themselves socially isolated without choice. It's the opposite of enjoying some peace and quiet so comparison of the two is not really helpful here.

Just want to send @CobaltQueen a hug and say I hear you.

Also want to add that sometimes the lead up to loneliness like this can be extremely complicated. I'm a widow of 2.5 years and while I'm trying to make the most of my unwanted and unexpected "freedom and independence" (ha.ha.ha.) I have also been bewildered by the way our wide social circle has vanished like a puff of smoke.

I do have a handful of loyal friends who I see from time to time, but they have lives and families in a way I don't so I am alone and lonely most of the time. And I hide it as much as I can because I'm terrified of coming across as needy and a burden and frightening them away.

When I was trying to "put myself out there" nobody knew how to "deal with me" without my DP and I'd end up drunk and embarrassing. So I don't do that any more. My adult children have their boundaries and I respect them, restricting my contact to the odd "I'm fine - tell me all about you" calls. They don't call me.

I talk to my elderly Dad alot, as he's frail and unwell and has recently separated from my SM (it's complicated). He's lonely too but is hoping to reunite with SM although that's unlikely.

So I kind of have alot "going on" but I recognise the loneliness the OP speaks of. It's the lack of intimacy most of all I think. The easy connection that you can have with someone like a husband or close sibling or friend. Other associations are more formal if that makes any sense, and if you've been burned by people in the past, you do have barriers up because trust is hard.

People have suggested I'm still young enough at 55 to find love again and I don't know whether to laugh or cry. My late DP would be a hard act to follow. He was the love of my life and honestly I don't think I could face learning another human like that so yes, I'm my own worst enemy and prickly and defensive sometimes too.

Currently my future is looking like one long Swedish death clean because the ultimate sin would be leaving a mess (and believe me, there is a mess) for my children to deal with if anything happens to me.

And I do have a cat, so at least my vocal chords don't seize up as we have long meaningful conversations.

One of the hardest parts about being lonely and trying to do something about it is the feeling of being somehow marked, or different to "normal" people. And that's another odd thing, isn't it? All the lonely people (go on, sing it, I know you want to) skirting around each other, hiding their loneliness because the fear of yet another loss or rejection has become just too great to overcome. Because that's a part of it too.

It’s a typical OTT MN response! So dramatic. These people have such an over inflated ego, they believe they are the only ones whose opinion is worth listening to.

I’m so sorry OP. You speak about this so eloquently, I am very moved.

I think you’re absolutely right that many people don’t understand. Others insinuate it must be something YOU are doing wrong, because they would like there to be an easy solution. They don’t want to face up to the reality that some people, through no fault of their own, end up lonely and isolated.

I hope you find peace, companionship and support one day.

You articulate your feelings so well. It's difficult to get past the superficial chatter and actually form real friendships. I live alone and don't want friends but don't have that inner feeling of being lonely. You must feel adrift and lost but never give up. The few friendships I've had in life were down to instant chemistry and it doesn't require any effort, as the natural connection just means you can sit in silence, have bad moods and just be yourself. I wish I had an easy answer but just wanted to say that I hear you.

@MsAmerica that's one of the most unhelpful posts on MN I've ever seen and that's saying something!

This is so true. It's hard not to feel worthless and depressed with extreme loneliness. Also not really understanding what has led you to this situation (so you blame yourself when it's not your fault). There can be lots of reasons but it's not helpful to list them all because you need support and caring right now not ideas in your head. But I would start with it possibly starting often by not really feeling supported and cared for in your family of origin.

I do echo seeing a really good therapist. If you can afford it I'd see someone privately. The NHS is all very well but they'll often fob you off with six sessions and this is something you need to work on for a longer period of time. Also you don't get to choose your therapist whereas if you find someone privately you get to select them. The evidence is that the most important aspect is to really gel with them. The whole point is that you at least have a good and supportive relationship with someone in the world. Even though you are paying for your therapy it doesn't mean that they don't care about you because they genuinely do and that's a starting point for getting back into the social world; being able to share your pain and vulnerability can be very validating. But remember not all therapists are right for everyone and some of them can be cold and dismissive or maybe just skilled enough so search until you find the right one that you can get on with as well as trust.

You are not alone with being alone but it's incredibly painful and wipes out any joy you might feel from doing things. It doesn't always have to be that way and you can find your tribe or at least someone who you care for who cares about you. But you need a starting point and to break this cycle of intense loneliness which leads to depression and self-blame before you can begin to move forward into the 'suggestions of how to meet people' phase.

When I was at my loneliest I couldn't even find words to talk to people. And if on occasion I did I was going through the motions so probably sounded weird and pushed people away. I'm not saying that's you but just pointing out how loneliness for anyone can lead to more loneliness.

It can be better OP. Good luck

Oh and I also think those of us lucky to have families, however we define that term, don't realise what true loneliness is, as OP said. My family drives me mad on many occasions, but it must be very hard for those without.

I also think making- and keeping-friends is a full time job. Sometimes I have the energy for it. Sometimes not. I am in lots of groups and classes but real connection is very rare. Most people prefer online friendships.

What happened after lockdown? Just good habits were broken? Or people moved away?

OP, I'm sorry you're feeling so low. I've never been in your exact position but I have had periods of living alone where I wouldn't see anyone all weekend except cashiers etc and I did find it really hard. I'd specifically struggle with walking past pubs and seeing whole groups of people hanging out and wondering why that had passed me by.

But when I lived alone I was also very systematic about making plans with people I did know; I'd never have more than two nights in a row without plans and if people couldn't always make it I would take myself to things eg evening classes, meet up groups. Some were fun, some were awful. But it is important to keep practising those skills.

My mother has often said to me that I'm very lucky to have a number if close friends in adulthood - and I am, I know I am - but I also can't get her to understand how much work goes into maintaining them. It's a whole job, and for me it's worth it but it takes a lot of work. I wonder OP if you think it is just happening to other people without that huge expenditure of effort? It can sometimes look like that from the outside, I know, but it's rarely true.

Find this heart breaking to read. Sending love and strength.

Dont want to make facile suggestions but a lady I know vaguely whose marriage broke down posts a lot on Facebook about her walking group. They go for hikes locally at the weekend. Her pictures show a group of “normal” friendly looking people of varying ages lots 30s/40s not all retirees.

Hey @CobaltQueen . My twenties were spent like how you are describing. I was probably in a slightly better situation as I had a friendly office to work in, a couple of good friends who were a plane ride away and I am a raging introvert, so probably didn’t feel the weight of loneliness as much as you do. But it crept in all the time, even so. There’s no magic solution. I met my DH by sheer chance and had the planets not aligned at that moment, I am sure I would still be single.

I want you to know that I understand what you are saying. There are people in the world who can go on a holiday alone and make 10 new friends while they are away. There are people who can join a book club or a salsa class or a hiking group and have endless coffee meets, nights out and catch ups coming from these. Then there are people like us and no matter how much we put out selves out there, we don’t exude the pheromone or whatever it is that makes people connect with us. People don’t dislike us. They just don’t see us. Doesn’t mean we are bad people. I’m a very well-liked person with good friends (only a few though) who can make almost anyone laugh once they know me. But most of them never get to know me. It’s not their fault, it’s not my fault.

Here’s my tailored suggestion. It’s easy and low demand. I have to admit that if someone suggested this to me in my twenties I would have been insulted and annoyed and would have ignored them because I knew it just wouldn’t work for me. I would have been wrong. I don’t mean to patronise so disregard this at will!

Get whatever the UK equivalent is of a Working with Children Check and a Responsible Service of Alcohol certificate. Should be very cheap and can be done online.

Email a couple of local sporting clubs and say you are looking to do some volunteer work in their canteen as you are new to the area and are looking to meet people. I can guarantee that they will be falling over themselves to get you to help out as every local sporting club on earth is run by overworked exhausted volunteers.

You can work in the canteen on game nights (probably every second week) for a few hours. You can have brief friendly closed end chats with heaps of people. No demands. No awkward deeper friend talk required. Friendly, brief and serve next person. At the end of the night the canteen volunteers will probably have a drink together. You are there and don’t need to be invited. You are now part of a group, even if small. You then go home. All loose ends tied off.

People will eventually start to recognise you at the supermarket. They will stop for brief friendly chats. You will have friendly acquaintances everywhere. You are now known in the community. I do it and honestly, it is so completely different to walking into a room of strangers for an activity. You may not find life long friends or a partner doing this but you will start to build your community.

Agree with this re WFH and self service everything means you don't even get basic interaction with people. If you wanted you could completely avoid interacting with another human being which is not a good thing!

This is a much more helpful response from someone who actually understands what OP is going through (and am also happy things changed for you). Unlike the 'i'd love to be on my own' and 'join salsa' posts which show a complete lack of understanding about what it feels like to be truly lonely.

It's shit OP, really awful. I'm alone in the sense I live alone with no partner or kids and work from home too, but am lucky to have some friends and family. Despite generally being introverted and liking time alone, I do feel crushing loneliness at times, the evenings and weekends often feel very hard and I find it very painful to see people out and about with their families and partners. I get really frustrated with having to make the effort to plan every social interaction I have..it just feels like really hard work. Like you I spend a lot of time wondering where I went wrong, what it is about me that has led me to this place and have a lot of dark days. I did recently get a dog which is helping with the casual low key unplanned connection and forcing me to leave the house, but I love dogs and have wanted one forever so know that isn't for everyone (or possible financially and practically) and ultimately I still feel very lonely at times.
I hope things find a way of feeling easier for you soon

I expect OP has left the thread but if you haven't, I totally hear you.
.Loneliness truly is the scourge of modern life. And only got worse with WFH, increased mobility, the pandemic, everything moving online.

I really prefer a home alone Christmas with food treats, my few self-ordered present, Christmas/classic films or carols, candles and other comforts to being a fifth wheel perched on the edge of someone else's sofa.

So do I. I spent the last two Christmas Days alone, and loved it. Every time someone asked me what I was doing I told a white lie and made it sound like I was spending time with friends (well I was, my cats!). I have a lovely meal, and make sure I order myself a few nice presents to myself, and I am as happy as can be.

I'm sorry you're facing loneliness in addition to your physical challenges. (Perhaps many don't think about that impact of ill health. Or even be under a misapprehension that someone with physical limitations might be more supported via care services, volunteers, relevant organisations than someone without)?
I hope that you have some support from a carer. Are there no organisations in your area with a befriending programme for <50 adults? (I'm guessing you're 20/30s, though being on mumsnet could be 40s or 50+)? MIND have a directory that it might be worth checking; ditto local churches, if you've not already? (I'm a befriender after answering a church group appeal in our local paper (though religion or lack of plays no part, neither I nor my befriendees were/are). Nor that old (>50, but only 55 & 60 when we met); both also lived with family, but had health and mobility difficulties. Mostly I visit, sat on sofa or end of their bed, sometimes we just have a call. Is becoming a telephone befriender something you could consider? A call is all that some people want. I realise that wouldn't help your desire for physical company yourself though).
I hope you can find/develop some local support and ultimately friendships. Speaking to MIND might be a good start?

That's such a good idea, a befriending service! I for one would love to visit a new friend watching films eating Chinese food. I'm sorry you're in this position ❤

This is how you make friends. I have my best friend ever now, but years ago we had to meet and make an effort to be in each others lives to become the best ever friends we are now. We both hate other people and situations, but we had to make effort to become best friends x