To think many people don't understand true loneliness?

The poster is just telling the truth. There are so many places and opportunities for meeting people, the OP isn't using those.

@BeaRF75 what you're referring to is enjoying your own company/solitude and it sounds like you don't get enough in your life. Most people need a degree of quiet time/on their own. That is VERY different to the soul crushing loneliness OP is describing. You don't know that if she was constantly mixing, she wouldn't need down time. Your post is totally off kilter and you simply don't know what you're talking about.

Yes, the depth of it is truly awful and most people don't have a clue. I do wonder if sometimes other people can sense this and it's off-putting to them - does anyone else feel that?

Sometimes the clichéd suggestions do help, so for example with evening classes, my tip is to do courses that have an experiential element, where you have to do practical tasks with others like counselling. I've met some friends that way.

I am sorry to hear you are so miserable. I don't understand what you mean about the suggestions people make about classes, church, rambling, hobbies, volunteering etc being unhelpful, as this is where we all meet our friends. You say people suggest things they wouldn't do themselves, but I think people suggest things that they actually have done themselves.

My best friends were made through work, hobbies, volunteering and baby activities. Not through family.

I don't think people have that "natural support network" you are talking about automatically. Even If you have a large family, it makes no difference to you socially by the time you are an adult. if you are having supportive, meaningful relationships with family members, you have worked on that, just the same as any friendship.

I have no regular contact with my family now, as none of the surviving relatives live in the same country as me.

Do you have a job OP? That is a good way to meet people, so if you are not meeting people, then maybe a different job might help?

It’s not just you. I also find it hard to make connections with people. I suppose I’m “lucky” as due to cultural aspect I had an arranged marriage so I have a DH and children but if I had not been born into this culture I would have been exactly like you. I remember when I went to university I spent all my time in my room by myself so I can understand what you going through. Please have hope and I will PM you and we can talk in more detail if you feel like it. If you don’t respond I won’t take offence but just want to let you know there is nothing wrong with you and you are not alone xx

Wind your neck in @CherubEarrings. Mumsnet is all about offering different perspectives and nothing you have quoted there is "disgusting".

Oh ffs, it’s easy to seem prickly and defensive when there is absolutely no one in your life at this point in time that would be bothered to listen to your deepest worries, even if you trusted them, and not be judgemental or dismissive.

@CobaltQueen I hear you.

I'm sorry you are feeling like this OP.

Would you be able to get a dog or a cat? They aren't human but do provide companionship, company and affection. They don't judge.

Churches and community centre type places usually run coffee mornings.

Could you volunteer? Most charities are crying out for help.

I'm not saying you'll suddenly meet your best friends for life, but they would provide some human connection.

Gosh some of these replies are so insensitive! Shocking. I’ve been in this position and sometimes it’s just how life turns out!

Read the room. Terrible response.

Do you have Mind where you live. They do lots of in person and online groups where you're in a safe space to be able to talk about loneliness....most people are there looking for connection, just like you seek. İt's not like going to a dance class or book group just to have something to do, it's about seeking companionship and having a place to open up about how life affects you.

I've been there. I moved to a new place put of circumstance and went through a good few years of having no one really to properly talk to, but recently made a lovely friend who introduced me to some new people. I met her at a drop in place for lonely people which runs a couple of times per week. İt's so hard whilst you're trying to build that new network of friends, I understand fully. Xxx

I’m sorry to hear how alone you feel. A really good therapist can help you through this and it doesn’t need to stay like this 🌺

There are a lot of places you can go for a cup of coffee and a chat.

Sorry you’re experiencing this op. I experienced extreme loneliness when I moved abroad and was tied into a contract with my job that meant I felt I had to stay although I didn’t really gel with people there and was desperately homesick and depressed. I remember podcasts being very helpful - I listened to one called Strangers (a collection of various life stories from random people) and an uplifting one, Feel Better Live More - actually has several episodes on loneliness. I can also relate to how it’s like a vicious cycle as it gets harder and harder to put yourself out there but at the same time you’re desperate to have connection with others. Joining a class can help to if you can afford to, I joined an art class and even though I didn’t make friends from it, it added something more to my day other than work, and the teacher was lovely too. I hope you find something that helps you

Several people here gym have said that they understand, so saying that it's only you could come across as invalidating what they've posted.

Yes loneliness is hard, I see that due to my work, but quite often there are things people can do to change the situation in the medium to long term.

Firstly remember there are others out there who would love to be friends or at least acquaintances with you. You are worthy of their friendship!

Secondly you need to put yourself in the position of being able to make relationships, so this means potentially taking chances eg we have a meet up group in our town and anyone can go along, they post times on the local facebook group. Perhaps you can join clubs, attend a regular gym class, start attending church, volunteer etc. you might not immediately make connections but you might. Taking up a hobby at least gives you something extra to do anyway.

Thirdly and perhaps more importantly, most of us aren't socialising with lots of friends regularly, I know lots of people but I don't call them true friends, they are simply acquaintances in chat to at work, in the pub in the supermarket car park (small town). Fomo means often we can think everyone has amazing social lives but in reality no we don't.

Finally if by chance you are in the greater Bristol area, I've moved here and would love to meet people for a coffee etc. I haven't got a full diary at all!

@CobaltQueen I could say a lot, but I won’t because I will probably end up feeling worse too. It can be luck of the draw who sees your post and who actually reads the words you posted.

I will say I don’t think it’s you.

I saw a post on one friendship thread saying that it now seems to be a norm not to have friends. I had them till lockdown. I feel embarrassed even though I’ve realised it’s not me.

Honestly I despair. Some of the replies here are horrible.

OP I am so sorry. I do understand. I have grown up children and married friends so am often alone at weekends. I have made lots of acquaintances from walking my dog at weekends.

I hear you. It is lonely and all the well meaning "join a club" suggestions don't take account of how debilitating it is

It's a vicious circle. You feel unworthy if no one wants to be with you and it gets harder and harder to be open and friendly and approachable

I've got a big birthday coming up. My parents are no longer here and I have no real friends to do anything with. No one will take me out for a birthday lunch or a weekend away

I'm sorry I can't suggest anything OP other than to say you're not the odd. I bet there's more in this situation than will admit it

I have a really good friend who is in a similar position to you. Her family are not super supportive and live a long way away and over time a lot of her friend have married/had children/moved away. I'm married and still see a lot of her but I think I do struggle to imagine that kind of disconnect in life. I am very extroverted and lived with family until I got married so used to the bustle of a busy house and the idea of spending a whole weekend alone does alarm me.

When she feels low she also feels it's a her problem but it's absolutely not. She's an amazing person and a brilliant friend and there's no real reason why she's still single and in the position she is in. I love her to bits and it really upsets me to hear her talking about herself as an unloveable person when that's absolutely not the case.

Obviously I don't actually know you in person OP but I can confidently say it's not true that just because you have ended up lonely in this season of your life it is any reflection on you as a person

I'm so sorry. Life can be unfair and unpredictable and loneliness is horrible. I don't think classes in the evening help because everyone just packs up and goes home to their lives, but I do think volunteering can be good as there is a real sense of purpose and connection. PPs idea of a therapist is also good, you could probably get referred for CBT by your GP and that could make a difference. I am glad you posted, it is hard to admit to being lonely, but it needn't be forever. Fwiw I am lonely at the moment too due to various circumstances (long term illness means I am mostly housebound and friends have drifted away). I do get it.

13 responses and already the horrible posts have started to what I read as a heartfelt post.

I could be you @CobaltQueen if I wasn't married. I have a few acquaintances, no real friends, no family. If my husband goes away for work, I like it for a night but any more than that I realise I would be totally alone if I did not have him. I am an independent person, we are not codependent but it is scary to just have one person.

Even now when we go out I see family outings, gatherings, friends having coffee and I also feel resentful I don't have that. People don't realise how isolating life is when you don't have people.

I feel for you @CobaltQueen. No advice but just wanted to offset the snarky posts. Take any good advice given. Totally ignore the nasty posters.

I told my therapist that when I make a real connection with a cashier, or bus driver, or librarian etc. then tears come to my eyes. Like if I crack a joke and they really laugh. She was pretty shocked!

I totally get this OP. Its really tough. My family (some of whom I'm estranged from) are in another country and I live alone (single) in a small town. I have friends but they have their own families now mostly and they aren't around as much as they used to be. The loneliness of life is soul-crushing some days. Like you, I've had people suggest joining clubs etc which I have done but it can't compensate for having people who are close to you nearby. The only thing I would say is its not uncommon at all. A lot of people are in this position, and its very hard. You aren't alone in your loneliness.