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Original poster

To feel annoyed when he tries to compare my achievements with himself?

82 replies

PrueHal · 19/08/2024 21:50

My partner is a professor at a university. He's a wonderful guy but occasionally has the ego to go with it I have to say.

I have a full time job and I'm a creative writer. Over the last 10 years I've had several short stories published and my first novel is out on submission which is very exciting.

Sometimes, if I mention something that has happened at a previous book launch or event, he'll say 'oh yeah I remember that kind of thing from when I was writing fiction.' Except he wrote fiction when he was 16 and never published anything. He also talks about a novel he wrote when he was 15 seriously when I am talking about my own book as a 31 year old.

So I silently seethe and move the conversation on when he does this but I actually want to say 'your attempts as a teenager don't compare with my success as an adult. Do shut up.' Because you know what? As an adult he's very successful and it makes me feel like I can't just have this one thing for myself.

OP posts:
allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 19/08/2024 22:45

@PrueHal why are you with such an arrogant bore boy????

LouH5 · 19/08/2024 22:43

PrueHal · 19/08/2024 21:59

@Jeschara he's usually lovely, so yes!

But I don't enjoy it in those moments.

It almost feels like his attempt to relate to me the way people do sometimes 'oh yeah me too' but it isn't appropriate and I feel undermines my success. Should I actually say this to him?

Depending how comfortable you are with what you’re saying, I’d maybe start with something like… next time he does this just put your hand on his arm to silence him and say “hey, let me have my moment!” and see if he clocks it. This may be all it needs if he’s switched on enough and he’ll stop doing it.
If this doesn’t work/isn’t enough, I’d definitely bring it up after the moment has gone, when it’s just the two of you back at home. So he knows you really mean it and you’re raising it. Just say how it makes you feel and ask him in the future to let you talk about your achievements, of which you’re very proud, without him making it be all about him.

Hope it goes well!

HellonHeels · 19/08/2024 22:35

He sounds tedious. Is he Adrian Mole?

Aquamarine1029 · 19/08/2024 22:33

Loloj · 19/08/2024 22:26

Yes you should say exactly this to him.

Show quote history

Absolutely say this to him, you should have years ago, and be fully prepared to see a side of this "wonderful" man you've never seen before. If you had started challenging him on this earlier in your relationship, he wouldn't still be with you.

Loloj · 19/08/2024 22:26

PrueHal · 19/08/2024 21:59

@Jeschara he's usually lovely, so yes!

But I don't enjoy it in those moments.

It almost feels like his attempt to relate to me the way people do sometimes 'oh yeah me too' but it isn't appropriate and I feel undermines my success. Should I actually say this to him?

Yes you should say exactly this to him.

cupfull · 19/08/2024 22:26

Most men do this, annoyingly! They always have to turn it around to something they relate to and make it about them!

Original poster
PrueHal · 19/08/2024 22:22

Yes @Seasidesunn I did a dissertation at uni but couldn't deign to compare it to his PhD. If I did, that would definitely piss him off.

Yeah it is rude isn't it? I don't think he means to be but it's utterly annoying.

OP posts:
Seasidesunn · 19/08/2024 22:18

Ask him questions like who was his publisher, how many copies did he sell, what were the reviews like? If he carries on then do the same to him, when he mentions studying for his phd compare it to a loosely similar but much less impressive course of study like a work place first aid course, the longer you can string out a boring explanation of how it’s exactly the same as his phd the better.

It doesn’t really matter if his achievements are more impressive, he’s being boastful and rude.

Original poster
PrueHal · 19/08/2024 22:13

@Ivesaidenough I'm laughing thinking about how he'd react to that...🦕

OP posts:
LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 19/08/2024 22:13

MasterBeth · 19/08/2024 21:58

He probably thinks your achievements so far aren't comparable to his and, with respect, he's right. No need for him to be an arsehole about it, though.

How is he right?

Ivesaidenough · 19/08/2024 22:11

When he talks about his job, tell him you remember lecturing because you gave lectures at primary school about dinosaurs for show and tell. So you know just what he means...

heinzseight · 19/08/2024 22:11

PrueHal · 19/08/2024 22:10

@heinzseight law. So, no...

Smile
Augustisnearlydonesogoodbyesun · 19/08/2024 22:11

He is actually envious you didn't give up your dream. ..

redalex261 · 19/08/2024 22:10

I wouldn’t “silently seethe” about this. A bit of gentle mockery could nip it in the bud. Laugh and ask him how he’s comparing the unpublished bedroom scribblings of his teenage self with your published fiction writer book launch. Get him to justify the comparison as it seems totally unrelated based on your account.

MintyNew · 19/08/2024 22:10

Your fault for silently seething. Why?

Tell him exactly what you think of it. After 10years, if you can't even point something out so basic to him it sound like the relationship is over anyway.

Original poster
PrueHal · 19/08/2024 22:10

@heinzseight law. So, no...

OP posts:
heinzseight · 19/08/2024 22:09

What is he a professor in? If it's creative writing I see the problem.

Original poster
PrueHal · 19/08/2024 22:09

Ha ha @Jokingnotjoking I love it!!

Has a ring to it no?

OP posts:
Jokingnotjoking · 19/08/2024 22:08

Tell him with all your publication success and burgeoning published novel you’re going to scope out lecturing positions. Then you’ll be Prof. PrueHal.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/08/2024 22:07

Why you are wasting your life with a narcissistic, petty arsehole who goes out of his way to lessen your achievements and refuses to champion you is absolutely beyond me. I would think you are far too intelligent to be in any way dazzled by this pathetic douchebag.

He's usually lovely? Right. When his fragile little ego isn't being threatened and he's the one getting all of the attention.

Fucking hell. Get rid of him.

Original poster
PrueHal · 19/08/2024 22:07

@Augustisnearlydonesogoodbyesun I hadn't thought about that. Maybe he misses doing it and that's why he brings it up.

But it's irritating in context!

OP posts:
AnyThoughtsWelcome · 19/08/2024 22:06

Talk to him. Be really honest. There’s no other way forward.

Augustisnearlydonesogoodbyesun · 19/08/2024 22:05

Ime he is reiterating the only thing interesting about himself!! My dh used to live in a fab part of the world and it's inserted into every initial meeting of every person he ever comes across. It is cringe and boring...

MaybeImbad · 19/08/2024 22:05

Yanbu to be annoyed.

Yabu not to calmly tell your partner he’s out of line and undermining your achievements.

How he responds to that would impact on whether I decided to continue the relationship.

Original poster
PrueHal · 19/08/2024 22:04

@Quitelikeit well I won't deny that.

But he hasn't even had those experiences. He stopped writing fiction when he was 16.

I don't try to compare myself to him when he talks about his journal publications.

OP posts: