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Original poster

AIBU to expect my DS to have a key to his Dad’s house?

42 replies

SunMIA · 19/08/2024 20:47

Literally here for opinions.

My DS is 17 & has always spent his time 50/50 with his Dad & me - for the last 14 ish years.

His relationship with his Dad is a bit strained at the moment & something that has caused a few issues recently is that he doesn’t have his own key to his Dad’s house.

AIBU to expect a 17 yr old who lives at your house 50% of the time to have a key?

OP posts:
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BruFord · 20/08/2024 21:34

Yes, his Dad is going to reap what he’s currently sowing. You can’t do anything and if your DS chooses to spend less time with his Dad, so be it. Perhaps your ex will regret this and start treating your son like the adult he almost is.

Original poster
SunMIA · 20/08/2024 21:27

So, this weekend, he finished early from work, walked 40 odd minutes home at around 10pm & had to sit in the garden for nearly an hour until his Dad showed up.

On Sunday night, he was going to a party at a friend’s house & asked if he could come back to mine (not my night but of course I said yes) because he was going to be back late.

My DS is scared of his Dad’s reaction to anything (he’s quite an angry man - all 6’4” of him but certainly not violent). I’ve been trying to smooth the waters & improve communication between the two but I think I’ve given up now as I’ve been told to butt out by Dad in no uncertain terms.

The natural conclusion to all of this is that DS will stop spending time with his Dad & their relationship will suffer, I will stop trying to help as it’s obviously not wanted.

OP posts:
BCBird · 20/08/2024 19:04

It's his dad's decision

BruFord · 20/08/2024 18:58

I would honestly stay out if it, OP, and encourage your DS to discuss the situation with his Dad.

Let him know that if he gets stuck outside again and doesn’t want to wait, he’s welcome to come home to you. If his Dad complains, he’ll have to sort it out with DS. No court is going to enforce 50/50 contact when he’s less than a year from adulthood.

StarryDance · 20/08/2024 18:50

Northernparent68 · 20/08/2024 17:25

He’s old enough to ask his father when he will be in and not rely on his mother-this site is full of complaints about men who expect woman to do everything for them, well this is how it happens

He shouldn't have to ask his dad when he will be in, he should have a key to his own home. He is not just visiting. Are you saying he has to stay out until his dad is there to let him in?

Northernparent68 · 20/08/2024 17:25

He’s old enough to ask his father when he will be in and not rely on his mother-this site is full of complaints about men who expect woman to do everything for them, well this is how it happens

Reugny · 20/08/2024 16:12

SaltAndVinegar2 · 20/08/2024 15:40

Because her son has had to sit in the garden for hours? Of course it's her business.

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At 17 you should be able to use your mobile phone to phone your dad, and if you can't get through to him then phone your mum. You shouldn't need to be told to do this.

I've been in the office and someone's 13 year old son kept phoning their dad as it was the first time they had been allowed home alone for the day. (The boy was actually out with a friend.)

Ponderingwindow · 20/08/2024 15:47

Of course he should have full access to the house. At our house that is a code, not a key, but same idea.

if I was the teen, I would take that to mean I wasn’t really welcome in the home and stop going. What does he do when he gets there and no one is home?

StarryDance · 20/08/2024 15:42

Northernparent68 · 20/08/2024 15:34

He’s right, it is none of your business, why are you so involved

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I'd tell her DS to come to yours if his dad is not in. I'd make it my business so my DS didn't have to sit on his dads doorstep.

CandiedPrincess · 20/08/2024 15:41

SaltAndVinegar2 · 20/08/2024 15:40

Because her son has had to sit in the garden for hours? Of course it's her business.

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Not at 17 it isn't really.

CandiedPrincess · 20/08/2024 15:41

My DS is 17 and he is here 50/50 and he doesn't have one for my house because a) he'd repeatedly lose it as he has done with his dad's and b) he doesn't need it as there's normally always someone in.

SaltAndVinegar2 · 20/08/2024 15:40

Northernparent68 · 20/08/2024 15:34

He’s right, it is none of your business, why are you so involved

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Because her son has had to sit in the garden for hours? Of course it's her business.

Reugny · 20/08/2024 15:36

Well, his Dad has just responded to my text saying that our DS never needed one & it’s none of my business so that’s the end of that then.

Your DS needs to then ring and check whether his dad is going to be in when he wants to go to his house. If he then turns up and he isn't there he needs to stop going to his dad's house.

When I as 17 I used to have keys to various older siblings homes as well as my parents because they wanted a couple of people to have spare keys. I was actually about an hour away from all but one sibling.

Northernparent68 · 20/08/2024 15:34

SunMIA · 20/08/2024 09:36

Well, his Dad has just responded to my text saying that our DS never needed one & it’s none of my business so that’s the end of that then.

He’s right, it is none of your business, why are you so involved

BruFord · 20/08/2024 15:32

I agree that it’s odd, my DS (15) has had a key for a couple of years.

But at 17, I think that your DS needs to talk directly with his Dad about it. His Dad can explain his reasoning and perhaps they can compromise on a key safe.

Of course, if he’s regularly locked out, he may decide that he no longer wants to live with his Dad half the time.

BrightBreezy · 20/08/2024 15:21

Nothing you can do unfortunately. Dad's making it clear it's his house and his son can enter it only at his say so. It's no longer your son's second home I'm afraid (if it ever was). Some parents are quite cold towards their children tbh.

quickturtle · 20/08/2024 09:37

SunMIA · 19/08/2024 21:02

I have a key safe at my house that both my kids know the code to.

Most of them aren't that safe so make sure it's a good one

Original poster
SunMIA · 20/08/2024 09:36

Well, his Dad has just responded to my text saying that our DS never needed one & it’s none of my business so that’s the end of that then.

OP posts:
saltinesandcoffeecups · 20/08/2024 00:30

Has he asked his dad for a key?

Honestly it’s a bit weird… but it’s his relationship with his dad and he needs to be the one to negotiate it.

TomeTome · 20/08/2024 00:26

Procrastinates · 19/08/2024 20:57

How is it not the sons home? He's spent 14 years living equally with both parents of course it's his home.

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There are very few things that say firmly you are not part of this home and I would say not having a key would be one of them.

jamsandwiched · 19/08/2024 21:32

I have an adult child who lives independently now but he knows my house will always be his home and he can call in whenever he wants, however I took the key back when he moved out because I don't want to be having sex with H thinking we are alone and find he'd let himself in or not be decent thinking we were alone and "ooh hello"
I am an adult and with that I'm entitled to my privacy, having said that he always has had a key while living here and should have a key when living in the household and if he moved back home he'd have his key back.

Doingmybest12 · 19/08/2024 21:23

I think your child should talk to their dad about it. Maybe a key safe would be a good idea. Otherwise I think I'd tell them to come back to their home with you if they can't get in at their home with their dad. Perhaps that will focus their dad's mind.

mitogoshi · 19/08/2024 21:18

Yes it's odd, first thing I did when I moved in with dp was to cut keys for both my DDs and my dsd (all at university at the time) to make them feel like it's their house too

Original poster
SunMIA · 19/08/2024 21:12

School was never an issue as he was picked up / dropped off but he’s about to go into his second year of college & it’s starting to cause issues.

OP posts:
Strawberrycheesecake7 · 19/08/2024 21:08

I think it’s very odd. I had a key to my parents’ house as soon as I was old enough to be going places without them. They worked full time and it was the only way I could get in after school.

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