To be sad about never having grandkids

YANBU to be sad. Its natural. YABU if you mention it to them.

My friend married and, after being told they could not have children, decided not to adopt/foster or try IVF. Being an only child his parents would never have grandchildren. Years later his wife left him. He began a new relationship and, in his early 50s, had a son. His parents are now grandparents, in their 70s. So you never know what the future will bring.

I would be very sad - for myself and for my children (even if that was their choice - I'd believe they were missing out).

I would be sad if my dc didn't have children. I'd want them to do what they wanted though, so if they felt their lives would be better/happier without them then of course I would support them.

My parents adore their grandkids, and I was adored by my grandparents. It can be a very special relationship. Children bring me a lot of joy (prob why I had them and work with them).

From personal experience, for what it's worth, it stopped after 40.

But I agree. Don't guilt-trip. Many of us look at the state of the world and have decided not to bring children into it. The choice should be respected.

I’m 43, single, only child and no children. My parents prefer me to be happy than being feeling awful with a partner and children. They knew that they would never have grandchildren when I was in my early twenties.

Yet I was with my ex for 4.5 years and his mother wanted us to have children. Even on my last birthday with him, I received a box of ovulation test kits. Didn’t see my ex MIL after that - that was 6-7 months before my ex and I split up. Plus that put a strain on my ex’s relationship with his mum,

Parents should not be forcing their children to become parents themselves. Having children should be the choice of the couple, not their parents or other members of the family.

My ex’s brother has 5 children of his own plus two step daughters. Plus ex MIL is still in contact with his ex step children. So 9 grandchildren and step grandchildren. So she isn’t without grandchildren but all come from one son.

As I say to my toddler, all feelings are valid. But you need to be careful how you express them.

Of course it's okay to feel sad and seek solidarity on here. It's hard when life doesn't turn out as you expect and can feel like a loss. However, try to keep your feelings from your DC. Having children is so personal and complicated without parents hopes and expectations. Remember that those who have been unable to have children will of course not become grandparents either. Families can be wonderfully complicated but just as full of happiness and love.

How do you know your children will never have children @Jjiillkkf ???

I have 2 DC (both around 30,) one married, (2 and a half years now,) and one getting married in 2025, and both have said they're not sure if they want children, and are not in any hurry to have them! They said they have seen their once fearsome, bold, and ambitious professional friends have babies - and it's wrecked them.

All the kids are feral demons apparently LOL. I said 'well you two were fab kids and I never regretted a single second of having you, and neither did your dad! I'm sure any kids you have will be fine' I know a number of women who say the best thing they ever did in their life was having their kids. Clearly there are some women who regretted it though.

I think motherhood is what you make it, and the ones who struggle/struggled (IME and IMO,) are the ones who left it a little bit later (mid 30s+,) to have their first. They were feisty, professional, career women, and had total control of their lives and their careers, but couldn't control this tiny human they created, and it messed with their minds, and they couldn't cope. Many of them got back to work ASAP and passed the childcare onto a nanny or childminder. Quite a few of them regretted having a child for a while. (Some still do.)

I definitely don't regret having mine and wouldn't change a thing! Never been a professional though, had them both just before 30, and never been fussed about my job, or climbing the career ladder! Just a regular admin worker who has worked part time (18-20 hours a week,) since my children were born! My 2 DC are both well-educated professionals.

As for me, I really don't care that much if my DC don't have children. I will be happy if they do, and will love them to bits, but at the same time I'm not fussed if they have children. It's very hard to explain. Basically, it would be nice to have grandchildren, but also I am not going to be 'sad' or upset if I never have them!

I have said to my DC though, that if they DO decide to have them a bit later (like nearly 40 or something!) I will be around 70, and will be a lot less likely to be able to help them. I am 60-ish now, have moderate health issues, and struggle a bit with my mobility. I would be reasonably OK with babies/toddlers now - but in 10 years time (or even 5 or 6 years,) it will very likely be a different story.

YANBU to feel sad, we can't help how we feel about anything, but YUBVVVVVVVU to convey that sadness to your DC.

I think there's a few slightly disingenuous comments here.

Children are delightful, most people who have children love children. Knowing that there will be no more children in your family can be really sad.

But, having those feelings and expressing them to your children/ guilt tripping them are two different things.

So YANBU to be sad, YWBU if you told your children that.

I think my daughter would have a much better life if she didn't have children. From one perspective she has a lovely small daughter and son, lives in a large house, has a successful husband and no money worries.

From another viewpoint, it's very unlikely that one of the two children will ever be able to live independently - because of a marked degree of difference - constant appointments with professionals to get the child's needs met. The other one doesn't want to sleep and seems permanently to have a virus/a fever/teething pains. Trying to get them to eat anything but fromage frais and Weetabix seems impossible. Her husband is a workaholic who doesn't do any of the tough bits of parenting and is always away/out/in a meeting/off with the lads. (He's not a bad man and does love the children but he is also selfish and set in his ways.) Working part-time and looking after the children with little support exhausts her. She doesn't get to do stuff with friends or for herself.

It's as if feminism never happened.

And they're at the other end of the country, so though I am fortunate in being able to see the children - both lovely in their different ways - it really is nothing like my fantasy of being a grandparent.

@Jjiillkkf yes I understand it’s disappointing because in a perfect world it’s expected , find a guy , get married have babies . But try to never mention your disappointment to your children as you never know what they are going through , some people have infertility problems that they would never discuss with anyone , or can’t have kids for some reason , and imagine if you said to your child that you’re disappointed that he/she doesn’t want kids , just imagine how she would feel inside if she has fertility problems … she would feel like a failure . I’m in the same position , I’m my 30’s , fertility issues and people in family asking when I’m having a child not knowing I’m struggling with it . Oh if they only knew that I’d love to have at least one child but at the moment this has not happened , and I wish to god it does on day . But even if no fertility issues , it’s still okay for adults to decide what’s best for their life , because at the end of the day , having a baby is going to mess a lot with the baby’s parents life more than anyone else’s and maybe they are not ready for this kind of commitment to give up their freedom .

I'll be very sad if any of my DC desperately want children but aren't able to have them, for any reason.

But if none of them want children then I think overall I will be relieved.

YANBU to feel the way you feel but YWBVU to mention it to your DC

I understand OP. A loss of what might have been.

I’m not sure if either of our DC will have children of their own. To be perfectly honest though, with the state of the world, I don’t think it would be a bad idea for them to remain childless. I’ll be sad though.

DH and I build our businesses and manage investments to accumulate wealth and security. I do wonder who will inherit our money, properties and things after without grandchildren in the picture.

I would be sad too, but I would keep it to myself.

One of kids won't have children, the other I think might do, but if he leaves it until his thirties like me and DH I will be in my seventies, so won't have that many years of active grandparenting.

I have often thought that the world is getting harder and harder to live in and if dc decided they didn't want children I would totally understand why and wouldn't be upset at all.

I'll never have grandchildren because my only child died. It would have been lovely, but I don't dwell on it, what's the point? Just make the most of what you DO have.

Not unreasonable to feel sad. Your feelings are your feelings.

If you were to voice those feelings to your children or put pressure on them that would be unreasonable (but you've not said that this is happening)

Have you considered working with young children to bridge that gap?

Your feelings are your own, but need to be kept to yourself.

There really needs to be a facility to match people who want to be grandparents with parents who want their children to have grandparents, but either have no parents, or disinterested ones. So many threads on that side of the coin too.

I accepted long ago that my DC would not give me GC. My SD does have a DC, which I hoped would give me the opportunity to play a GM role, but sadly that DC has additional needs which mean they will never have a proper relationship with either of us. That causes more pain than I can ever express, except to my therapist.

No YANBU to feel that way, I'd be sad too. It would only be unreasonable if you tried to guilt trip your DC into becoming patents.

I have 2 siblings and I and them don't and won't have kids.
My mum was always so stressed bringing us up and it seemed like she resented doing everything a mum does. I have always been a disappointment to her.
Honestly although it may be disappointing, I don't think you should have kids with the expectation you will get grandkids. It isn't the default option that people feel they have to have them anymore.