To be sad about never having grandkids

My mother wasn’t fussed about having grandchildren, I think she would have been happier without children either. Not that she didn’t love us but motherhood did not seem to make her very happy. When I was thinking about having children she talked about the downsides, I think she genuinely thought I would have a nicer easier life without children. It didn’t put me off but in the event I wasn’t able to have any. She did eventually become a grandmother courtesy of DB but by that time she was 85, too old to be an active grandparent and losing her mental faculties as well.

I've literally stated 'not about sadness which is fine' - I was just sharing an experience from the other side of view. Conversations starting from sharing sadness with those DS and DD can soon turn to pressure. I don't think they are being unreasonable, I just shared my experience and opinion because I find this helpful when I don't know if I am umreasonable.

No one, including OP, has suggested anyone should have children to enable someone to be a grandparent. How have you extrapolated that from this thread?

OP just expressed a feeling of sadness that she keeps private in real life, particularly from her children. People are allowed to have feelings.

Your own situation as described is exactly the opposite of the OP.

This topic has been brought up my MIL on many spread out occassions and not about sadness which is fine, but trying to convince me and I just get angrier because it is my body and our life (me and DP). People shouldn't have children so that someone can experience being a grandparent. Maybe you could look into fostering or other services to fulfill your life that entails supporting children in a different way? Community volunteering etc.

Jesus, calm yourself down. The woman is just having a bit of a vent. She’s said she respects the boundaries and doesn’t say these things to her children.

Not really the point of the thread but this comment leaped out at me. I couldn't disagree more. Life is supposed to be as easy and enjoyable as possible. It's OK to reject a life that makes you unhappy.

My only DS says he doesn't want kids, although he's only 16 so plenty of time to change his mind.

I won't be bothered if he doesn't have them though. I had him when I was young so I plan to do a lot of travelling and holidays in the upcoming years, I won't be thinking about grandchildren!

This is actually really sad. I'm sorry OP.

I just want them to be happy. If they go on to have their own children then that would be lovely, but it's their own happiness I'm focused on, not their ability to produce grandchildren.

That sums it up for me as well @JudyJudeplusOne. If DD is happy then so am I.

Yep, there's too many variables for this kind of generalisation to hold water.

I dunno, I had my two mid and late 30s. And I adore being a mum. A few friends who were on the fence about kids soon followed suit after our first, and also say it is the best thing they ever did. They are all still and were feisty career women.

No one is entitled to grandchildren.

Just as there are many ways to become a parent, there are many ways to become a granny.

Think about what it is that you think you will miss out on, then find it elsewhere.

I have two late teens who I adore. They're thriving in different ways, but are both neurodivergent and at least one is possibly gay.

I just want them to be happy. If they go on to have their own children then that would be lovely, but it's their own happiness I'm focused on, not their ability to produce grandchildren.

In fact I haven't given it much thought tbh.

I also feel sad at probably never having any. You just get to a stage when everyone you know of a similar age have grandchildren. I feel my son would really have made a great father and likes children but his wife doesn't really want them. My daughter is single and 40. I really enjoyed becoming a mum and would hated to have missed out on it. You do feel it's the end of the family line which just feels strange. I was a nursery teacher so always worked with little ones and used to think of all the things I'd do with my grandchildren. Although people have suggested volunteering I don't think that would fill any void as they are not your family.

I think you also see it from people who have been SAHM for all or most of their children’s lives and as the children become adults and no longer need them in the same way there is a void which can only be filled by grandchildren.

None of my children want children of their own. I don’t blame them and am not sad in the slightest. Of course that may change their minds but I think they’re very sensible not to bring kids into this crazy world,

I'd love it to be normal for "grandparent type" relationships to be formed. My parents live far away and when I split with my (abusive) ex I would have loved a bit of grandparenting, and so would my children

Growing up we did see a fair bit of one set of grandparents (the others lived abroad) and our next door neighbours became our bonus grandparents and it was so lovely. They loved chatting to us and treating us and we continued to see them regularly as teens and young adults (until they both died). They didn't have children or grandchildren of their own but had a handful of children like us that they took a huge interest in. They also had lots of interesting and fulfilling hobbies once they retired, so they had a very full life and I loved chatting to them. They both did degrees during their retirement and travelled to all sorts of interesting places. I hope I love to have a retirement like that

I would be sad to.

Definitely give volunteering a go. The groups will probably be very glad to have your time and passion for kids. Otherwise look at opportunities for mummy's help or I think there are social service programmes where one takes kids out to give the parents a break. That way the kid is also dependent on you growing a more longstanding relationship.

If I don't have grandkids (due to mine not wanting them rather than infertility) then I'd hope to see it as an opportunity for me to help other children.

I totally understand why you feel sad, I will feel the same if my DS decides not to have children.
My Ds is 18 now and when he was young I really really wished he had a dotting grandparent who really wanted to enjoy him and always had a fleeting thought of how good it would be to match people who wanted grandchildren with children/mums who would have greatly benefited from that grandparent role!

@DancingLions

People often say Grandparents get all the good bits and get to hand them back. But they are also at the whim of the actual parents! They still have all the worries about their GC while at the same time none of it being within their control. What I've seen of it, I'm not sure I want! Of course if I had a GC I would love them dearly but I'm just as happy without.

This is pretty much how I feel. I have seen many an older person - like me - have grandkids dumped on them left right and centre.

Another cousin of mine who is 3 years older than me, got married at 17 to a man of 19, and had 3 kids when she was between 18 and 23, (2 boys first at 18 and 20 - then a girl at 23.) At 24 she took the little girl and ran off with another man (and she announced on leaving that he was the father of the little girl.) Her husband was stunned and so was the whole family. He worked full time and plain and simple couldn't cope on his own with the boys. He told my aunt he was going to put them into care. (Cousin was a full time SAHM.)

My aunt) who was 52 ended up having to look after them. She didn't want social services involved (and didn't want to lose the boys,) so she took them in. Looked after them for FIVE YEARS whilst my cousin lived the life of Riley with her new man and their daughter. This man then left her and the little girl (she was 6 by now,) and moved in with another woman. Cue my cousin and her daughter moving in with my aunt and 2 sons who she had left. (Her DH had divorced her by then.) She was housed by the council shortly after, met another man within a year - and had 3 kids with him all within 5 years. Split when the youngest was 5. My aunt spend her 60s and 70s looking after my cousin's children 80% of the time they weren't at school!

The fact my cousin had fucked off for 5 years and abandoned her sons and dumped them on nana was never mentioned again.

But yeah tl;dr, some grandparents can - and DO end up getting used. Many grandparents get used as free childcare. I sometimes suspect that being a grandparent isn't the rosy, shiny, painting it's portrayed as. Despite all the vom-worthy 'my grandchildren are the best/my world/my everything' type shite you read from people on facebook. And the hilariously cringeworthy posts that say they wish they'd had their grandchildren first (as they prefer them to their children clearly LMFAO!)

I also have a pretty strong feeling somehow, that despite all the suggestions aimed at the OP to volunteer to work with children - and with single mums who are struggling etc - that she won't do it. She won't offer to volunteer anywhere.

@Jjiillkkf

I hear you. Our DS1 has always said he doesn't want DC and we see no sign of change at almost 40. DS2 early 30s really hasn't said much one way or the other. He's painfully shy and has just embarked on a new relationship but is the type to take it at glacial pace so who knows. At any rate, DH and I have 'painfully' put that dream away. There's no sense in pining for something you have no control over.

And of course we'd never dream of saying anything. I'm sure they both 'know' we would have liked DGC, but we never mention it.

Instead, we're enjoying traveling and spending money on ourselves that we'd probably otherwise spend on grandchildren.

Absolutely. All this stuff about materialism, “living too much in the moment”, regret and lack of fulfilment is so fucking patronising and offensive.

Of course it is fine to be sad. It's the norm to have grandchildren, and the breaking of a line that has passed down since humans began. Biologically speaking, it was the whole point of having children.

I understand people who feel relief that they won't have to worry about any hypothetical grandchildren living in such a fucked up world, but don't let others guilt you for feeling a very understandable sadness about what might not be.

You never know what may happen. My ds met her dh when he was 45 and they now have 2 dc. Although, yes as time goes by, the chances get smaller.