To be sad about never having grandkids

Serious mental illness runs in our family, and both my sons (early to mid twenties) are experiencing the debilitating effects of trying to start life with such problems.

At the moment, I am glad that neither of them express any desire to be parents. Secretly, I hope that this remains the case and they can live their best lives, without the prospect that their children will experience the hell they have been through.

If I feel grandparent broodiness as I get older, I will foster kittens.

I absolutely don't want to be a grandparent! I have 2 children 1 is disabled and will not live independently and the other she may have a child but I secretly hope she doesn't! I would never tell her and would be supportive with whatever she chooses but I am secretly wishing she doesn't. The way the world is going with climate change and also I don't think having children was this massive profound thing If I could decide again I wouldn't have. I know having a disabled child has a lot to do with that but it's the life with have and wouldn't wish it on anyone honestly. It's genetic condition and we all as family have it various degrees and that could also effect my independence daughter' potential child. Which is another factor.

..there are no guarantees in life…it would be her decision in the end …but choosing to live with open heart, optimism, and faith in people worked well for her…. .It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all…

Definitely do a playgroup or something, it isn't weird on your own. I've already decided I want to help at one (any one will do) when I'm retired because I know I'll be bored at home 😆

Yes but the difference is you'd feel sad for THEM not yourself.

I have 2 sons and a daughter, none want children!
Initially I felt sad about it, but hey ho not my decision. And honestly the way the world is now, I don't blame them one bit!

It is what it is.

I see nothing wrong with sharing with her that I would absolutely love her to have children when she is ready…(also because she is a lone child and I would love her to have her tribe when I’m gone, and most of all, I would hate her to regret or miss on the joys of the motherhood journey..

Dear God, do not share that with her. What if motherhood is a journey she has no interest in already and you’ve heaped pressure on her, or she comes to regret “the motherhood journey” (not everyone finds it a joy, you know)?

Don’t be “that” parent.

I know a lady that volunteers and helps out at a baby and toddler group, and her own children are grown up. I always thought that it was really nice of her to volunteer and take the trouble to drive quite far and give up her time every week to help out at the group and share her experiences and wisdom with the newer mums.

Mine and my partner's mothers first became grandmothers in their 80s. And partner became a Dad in his late 50s.
I would love to have grandchildren too.
I'd love to have another child too, in a hurry because of biological clock. I love them so much. So I kind of understand.
xx

I know for a fact that I will never have grandchildren. Both of my children cannot or just don't want them and I have got used to this. Funnily enough I am the person my friends grandchildren come running to when they want unbiased, non-judgemental advice/have a bitch session/sounding board for decisions, etc.
My son just laughs and says its just that I am unshockable and tell it as it is.

What if your daughter regrets having a child? People do.

Not a given

It‘s not unreasonable to feel sad (without pressurising your children in anyway) but you can’t know you won’t have grandchildren unless your children have died - they may change their minds or end up unintentionally pregnant and decide they want it after all (I have a friend about to gain a second grand child this way, from a child to who was definitely never having children).

Unless you don’t have children you literally can not know so I’d focus on trying to enjoy what is your power to choose. I Hope you find happiness.

OP, I totally get it. I am in the opposite situation. I have two very lovely spirited boys (3 and 5) and they don’t have grandparents. (They have one grandmother but she is very unwell and has been for some time). I wish things were different.
They are hard work but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I think it’s lovely that you want to volunteer at a playgroup. :)

Yanbu to feel that way at all. My dd are only 10 and 12 but when they talk about having babies I know how how excited I’d be and that I’d want to be part of their lives. Of course we don’t know how things will play out at all. I hope my dd will be happy with their paths whatever they choose.

my parents never put me under any pressure about having kids and I was always very grateful for that. I didn’t think I wanted kids in my 20s, met Dh late and was 35 before we had dd1. I knew my parents would love to be gp but I’m glad they didn’t try to persuade me in any way.

My daughters don’t want children and my son may or may not but I’m happy if they’re happy. I’m not fond of many children tbh. obviously I’d adore their children although (because?) I wouldn’t be a full on/doing all the babysitting kind of granny.
But. I would be rather sad if my genetic line which has successfully reproduced and survived since the dawn of life were to die out with my children. I’d feel that I’d failed a bit.

YANBU 🩷 I have 2 children with severe autism and learning disability so I know I’ll never have grandchildren which makes me feel kind of sad 😢 but I have my children with me and that’s the most important part and beautiful thing 🩷💙

I’m not looking forward to having grandchildren as I brought 3 up with no real help from anyone (their dad always working) I had my first at 22 and the youngest at 40, it’s a long time to be responsible for kids and I don’t want to be dumped with them anymore.

I totally understand your sadness at the thought of not having biological grandchildren, the feelings that this ends the line…many people feel instinctively strongly about continuity of a their blood line…about passing their genes…(it’s a form of immortality.. part of us continues to live after we are gone..). I understand that this is a need which is beyond a need to be around small children or just having a role of a GP…it’s a different need… (and sure, one can be an amazing grandparent to amazing grandchildren of adopted or step children etc.. .. which can be super fulfilling and joyous…but not everyone is for adoption , just like not everyone is for biological parenthood..).
personally, I share this need… I have one daughter in mid 20’s …successful and living her best life… and while it’s too early for her to have or decide about children at this point of her life, I see nothing wrong with sharing with her that I would absolutely love her to have children when she is ready…(also because she is a lone child and I would love her to have her tribe when I’m gone, and most of all, I would hate her to regret or miss on the joys of the motherhood journey..)…. I don’t see an issue with being open about how i personally feel about it, and hope she can also be open about her feelings about this … as they develop, change and evolve…I feel this is a healthy thing , rather than pressure…in the end …wouldn’t you prefer to have known how your loved ones feel about things that matter to them , rather than make them feel they aren’t allowed to be open, or to have those feelings …?! In the end, whether they do or don’t, for any reason, is always a possibility, and something that everyone has to accept, accept and make the most of what is there …… life is a journey, it just doesn’t play out according to our plans and wishes, and there are so many ways to love a fulfilling life and find joy…

It’s perfectly normal to feel sad at the thought of not having something you were looking forward to in life, whether that's grandchildren, a career in musical theatre or retiring to Provence. People have different wishes in life.

Why on earth is everyone assuming the OP is going to pressure her dc, or that she thinks everyone should have children?

I know that I will never have grandchildren. I feel immense sadness about it. I will never tell my kids that, but I think I am entitled to feel that way. We can't help how we feel, and that applies to lots of situations. I don't feel this situation is any different.

As a stepchild of an otherwise childless man (who passed away recently), I feel immensely saddened by this comment. My children have lost their Grandpa. The fact that they had no biological relationship with him made absolutely no difference to their relationship.

I don't have grand children and I'm not sad about it. Well, not most of the time. When I see wee babies I have a pang of longing but it passes.
I would feel sad if I thought my son wanted children and was unhappy that he didn't have any. But as far as I am aware he is OK with being childless.

Mine says she will adopt which is pretty much how she came along. She says we have a history of adoption since I was too.

I don't mind if there are no grandchildren.

I have two but I am estranged from their parents, not my choice. Having them but not being able to see them makes me beyond sad.

I have four children, one DD is nearly 50, mental health problems, she did not have children because of the medication that she takes.
One son, mid-40's, awkward and seems unlucky in love. He loves children but unlikely to have any.
One son has followd the conventional route and had two DD. I suspect that it was my DIL who wanted children, if the decision had been left to him it might well not have happened.
One daughter who was unable to have children but has adopted.
I feel immensely grateful that I do have grandchildren but only one of my four has "natural" children and so many people do end up childless because they leave it too late. If either of those who do have DC had chosen not to go down that route it would not have been anything to do with me and I would have accepted that it was their choice.

I’m approaching 40 with a 20,16&11 year old. As it stand now, my 2 older ones are adamant they don’t want children.
I see it isn’t my right to insist they do.
I saw my paternal aunt and uncle only have 1 child to please my grandmother who put an immense amount of pressure on them. Otherwise they were a let down. That wasn’t a pleasant childhood for him or life in general for my family.

I want my children happy - with or without children - it’s their life to live. Not mine to insist on grand babies.