To be sad about never having grandkids

You are not being unreasonable. Two things can be true at the same time - 1. You love your children and respect their right to choose how they live their lives, AND 2. You would have loved to be a grandmother and you are very sad it's not going to happen.

It's not the same looking after other people's children, taking up a new hobby, travelling etc etc. For some people being a grandparent is a uniquely fulfilling part of later life. There is plenty of sympathy, quite rightly, for those who can't have children, but little understanding of how painful it can be for some not to be a grandparent.

There's a very good book called Guide To No Grandchildren, by Emily Wells. You can get it on Amazon.

What a patronising post! Don’t you think the OP knows this??

@Jjiillkkf I just came back to tell you about something I saw today, our local hospital had volunteering opportunities to cuddle babies in the neonatal unit when parents can’t be with them and to help their development as staff don’t always have time. I wondered if there might be something similar in your area.

Have you considered being an after school nanny?
Koru kids app may suit you. You wouldn't have to do everyday, just 2 or 3 if you wanted.
I know mums who would have snapped you up to look after their kids.

"No one will remember me"

I sometimes think about my father who died when he was 60. I remember him with love and it's possible that my sister sometimes remembers him, but after we have gone I doubt anybody else will as even my oldest two children have no memory of him, though they met.
Having grandchildren won't make a difference to whether the average person is remember in the long run, nobody beyond their grandchildren would have known them.

@JudithOx
Where did OP even hint that her children owe her grandchildren? She expressed a private sadness which, as she said, she would never share in real life. Did you read her post?
I don't think she needs 'fixing' with a bit of rather patronising advice.

Your children do not owe you grandchildren. It's their life, their decision. If you've placed your hopes on being a grandmother to cover for empty spaces, think about what's missing in your life... Perhaps you need a passion, study, hobby, or a new life plan. Whatever yoo do, never tell your children how you feel. Their life, not yours.

😵‍💫

no one will remember me

If it makes you feel any better:

Even if the human race does manage to not end itself, eventually the sun will swallow and destroy the earth. If still humanity has escaped to the stars, it won't escape the eventual heat death of the universe.

Our greatest artists, writers, celebrities, scientists. No one will be remembered past a certain point at all. Every monument, work of art, book and landmark will be destroyed.

So cheer up.

@Sskka

I’m really surprised at just how widespread the view is on here that it doesn’t matter whether people choose to have children or not, or even that it’s a good thing not to.

At the end of the day somebody has to have the children, or we’re all sunk. It’s not just a matter for the individual, separate from every other individual. Nothing wrong with collectively giving people a nudge in that direction imo.

@Sskka

Not really. It’s more that for obvious reasons it seems like we should collectively act like the default is in favour of having children, and being surprised that that very much doesn’t seem to be case on this thread.

There are enough people in this world who want children, (and some end up having quite a few!) for some people to NOT have them. The population of the world is THREE TIMES MORE than it was in 1955. Just 2.7 billion people in the world then, it's now 8.2 billion.

The world population of humans is not going to die out. Even if a third of adults decided now that they were not going to have children, the human race would not die out. As a poster said, it's ridiculous to have babies as some kind of duty to society!

No one will remember me

In all likelihood, most people aren’t remembered after a couple of generations. I couldn’t tell you the names of my great-grandparents.

People who are remembered do something that makes a difference, and you don’t need kids to do that.

Do you know for sure? My parents must've given hope in their 70s of having them but suddenly they got 3 in the same year as we all became parents later in life! Xx

After lots of ivf we came to the sad conclusion there wouldn't be any children.
Now that I'm older I do find it sad that I'll never be a grandmother and as you said there's something about it being the end of the line .
No one will remember me .

My Mum's friend had one son and no grandkids. She was so sad about it but totally out of her control. She heard all her friends talking about grandkids and probably felt left out. My DC have brought so much joy to my Mum.

There are far too many people. It would be good to have a significant drop in the burden we place on the planet.

Not really. It’s more that for obvious reasons it seems like we should collectively act like the default is in favour of having children, and being surprised that that very much doesn’t seem to be case on this thread.

You think people should have children out of duty/obligation to society, rather than because they want them?

I’m really surprised at just how widespread the view is on here that it doesn’t matter whether people choose to have children or not, or even that it’s a good thing not to.

At the end of the day somebody has to have the children, or we’re all sunk. It’s not just a matter for the individual, separate from every other individual. Nothing wrong with collectively giving people a nudge in that direction imo.

You can’t help how you feel.

However, YABVU to assume having children and being a parent would have or will fulfil your adult children because you found it fulfilling.

I know many grandparents feel like you and look forward to being grandparents, but I can’t help but think it puts unnecessary pressure on adult children who actually may not want them but feel they have to because of their parents’ desire for grandchildren.

I have children, wanted them but I found it bizarre and insulting after I graduated uni being asked when I was going to settle down at 22 and then again at 24 with my parents and younger sister saying I should have a baby and telling me their plans for said baby with no thought to what I wanted. I would live with them, they would turn one of the rooms in their home into a nursery and they would help me take care of the baby. No mention of DH who I was in a relationship with in this scenario. I was working minimum wage jobs at the time after moving back in to help them care for my maternal grandparents while they were at work.

My father’s reasoning was that many of his friends had grandchildren and he wanted some too and both my parents pointing out they had me at 23, ignoring that I was 2 months early, needed care, my mother had almost died, and they were struggling financially for the first few years of my life where my mum moved with me hours away for a job for a year.

I love my children and a part of loving them is wanting them to be happy. If being a parent makes them happy, great, if it doesn’t, that is great too. It is their choice if I become a grandparent so to me it is not my concern or anything I have control of, therefore it doesn’t matter to me if I become a grandparent.

There are plenty of ways to interact with babies and children without becoming a parent.

I wont be having gandkids because i never had kids my self.
And it dont bother me.
My mother always told us growing up (think before you open your legs and make sure hes dressed for the occasion if not walk away a child is for life not for 18 years) she was very blunt.
Along with if you have them you look after them kids are a big responsibility and you will always worry for them you may have grandkids that you will worry over.
Life will never be the same again.
What you earn is not yours its for the child you will come second for a very long time.
What if the kid grows up to hate you what if the dad legs it.
She was not wrong just blunt.
I knew from about 13 i did not want kids on the pill at 15 till 22 then had sterilisation done.
I still make suer hes dressed for the occasion i will not risk it.
I dont get on with my mother but i do thank her for being upfront and blunt.
Watching the struggle she had raising 5 kids as a single mum.
She didnt want us to go through the same.

I'm hopeful I don't have them due to climate death

There's no need for more children/grandchildren

I'm not bothered if mine do. Call me cold and heartless.

Volunteering is a good idea. What about Squirrel Scouts? They are aged 4-6. This will be my third year as a Squirrels leader and I love it!

You can be sad but you can’t do anything about it, so you need to get over it as much as possible.

I love my kids but it wouldn’t bother me at all if I didn’t become a GP. I’ve had enough worry bringing up two children I don’t really want to be worrying about gc as well if I’m honest. Great if I am a GM but not an issue if I’m not.