To ask if your adult dc live at home if they just come and go as they please?

Dd is just about to turn 21. She generally comes and goes as she pleases but does let me know if she won’t be in for dinner and if I’m in bed texts me a ‘home’ when she gets in just so I know she’s here.
she doesn’t generally stay out overnight unless she has booked to go away somewhere it I know that’s she’d let me know if she was staying out overnight. It’s just polite to let other people in the house know who is in and who isn’t rather than keeping tabs on her. If dh and I are going to be late or out we let everyone else know too.

My children have all lived at home at various times since becoming adults. Generally they have let me know their vague plans ie out overnight,away for a week etc .
Plans changed regularly so they were self sufficient food wise if that was the case.

There are additional needs here, we all automatically let each other know if not coming home, hoping to get fed, and when I'm hitting the launderette with a family wash. We all come and go as we please, but communicate. We're adults, but a family with some intertwined needs and it's courtesy not the Spanish Inquisition.

One AN family member not here the whole time, who isn't and never will be independent, and who's in and out can allow me some breathing spaces.

Other AN Dc has tracking app as do I. It's there for emergencies only, we don't go spying on each other. Trust is important.
Also letting me know if they're coming home in the early hours so I know when I hear noises on the doorstep etc it's likely to be them, and don't go into defense mode. (had a few intruders over the years)

In the early days expected to say where they were going to be staying, and changing mind over food was ok, but as they got more competent, not expected to say where but we generally do, and expected not to seek feeding then cancel willy nilly as may result in irritated cook and that's not smart.

Biggest transition issues with AN Dc, was ensuring everything locked behind them, frequent loosing keys, and occasional chancers trying to follow them in at night, but that's our area and they've learnt better awareness. Air tag helped with keys a bit, and at one point we used a key safe.

I should add - none of my dds have to ask my permission to go anywhere and they come and go as they please. It's just about keeping me informed of general plans.

I don't agree with you @notanotheronenow in either of those posts. It's courtesy for anyone in the family to let others know that they won't be in that night. It stops people worrying and also if something does happen to the family member who doesn't come back it means that you will be aware of that sooner.

I don't think that either @KerryBlues or @Anonym00se are being unreasonable! I have dds home for summer from university- one permanently as she's graduated. I have had similar behaviour to your dd @Anonym00se and found it completely unacceptable. I have now asked to be kept broadly informed of my dds' whereabouts - so I know whether they're working (they all work in pubs), are going out, are sleeping out or if they are coming home for dinner. I also quite like to know if they're not working and are in during the day as I'm attempting to wfh at that time and I can try to go elsewhere if I know they are around - this gives them freedom to watch tv and constantly use the kitchen.

I also ask them to tell me if they have a boyfriend staying over as I don't want to bump into him in my underwear in the morning.

I tell them all of this information for me too. I exchanged the same information with my house mates when I lived in a shared house, so I don't think this is unreasonable.

I would find that very stressful @Anonym00se . I don't think it is overbearing to know if DC intend to come home for the night or be away.

My 19 year old comes and goes as she pleases including staying at her boyfriend's (well his parents' 🤣) and going on holiday with friends or her boyfriend - "as she pleases" in that we don't tell her when to be home, but she always, always lets us know.

We're really lucky that communication is pretty smooth with all the teens, and the fact I worked shifts and DH in the office throughout a lot of their childhood and teens had the bonus of making it second nature for everyone to put absolutely everything in the family calendar (in part because unexpected things not in the calendar largely couldn't happen because where we live they generally needed lifts!).

So family calendar and WhatsApp mean we always know who's going to be where, when, but we don't tell the eldest what she is or isn't allowed to do as she's an adult (and has her own car now so isn't asking for lifts).

17 year old DS still has to negotiate somewhat about staying out very late late and sometimes has to be reminded to put the address of where he'll be in the calendar just for safety but also for when he needs fetching at midnight, which is mostly his curfew unless staying with a friend or unless he's negotiated staying out later in advance and has a safe way to get home (I don't mind fetching in the early hours if I'm not working the next day but won't if I have to be up early unless of course it's an emergency).

Hope that helps a bit!

Ds, nearly 20 and off to uni next month after a gap year, he usually lets me know his rough plans but is track able via “Find my phone”. He has no problem with me being able to see where he is because it saves him having to text me. It’s also useful when he can’t find his phone. I have had requests via his friends, who have my phone number, to ping his phone so he can find it. He doesn’t see it as intrusive because he also uses to see where I am.
He will be at uni with a number of his friends so I don’t suppose anything will change, since his untidiness is unlikely to change and I’m sure I will be pinging his phone for some time.

The only time he messages me while out is to leave a key out for him or if he needs a lift ( very rare). We often chat via WhatsApp, he’s been working away over the summer so will touch base from time to time.

Since teenagers tend to stay out until the early hours I will check if hes home or at a friends if I wake up. Mostly I don’t bother.

He was spiked not long after he was 18, which was an horrendous experience and it took me a long time to relax when he was out but it was a big learning experience for him and all his friends.

I don't think it's bizarre! To be honest, it's not even really about safety - I'm not inclined to worry and know rationally that when they are living on their own, I don't know whether they are in or out and don't worry. It's about knowing whether to lock up, whether to leave lights on, and just knowing whether I am likely to see someone else around the house or not! We have recently hosted Ukrainian refugees. Women in their thirties. I asked them to let me know if they were going away over night at all, or if they were likely to be back particularly late. They didn't think it was bizarre.

They come and go as they please, but they will say if they’re out for dinner.

Yes come and go as they please but they communicate if not coming home

Do you think so? Maybe 🤷🏻‍♀️

you do sound very overbearing unless you're asking for legitimate reasons like because you want to know whether to keep or use up leftovers or because granny is asking if she'll be at xyz family event.

bizarre and paranoid

Yes, they come and go as they please.
Yes, they let us know their plans if it involves travelling further than local city or if it involves staying overnight somewhere.
Yes, they let us know if they will be having dinner with us or not on each evening.

Day to day- going to gym, going to city, going for a walk- no they don’t tell us and that is ok.

They did the same with Uni flatmates- it is a safety & courtesy thing than permission because we make no comment on where/when they are out.

DD20 still staying in the hotel living at home. I never know whether she’s in or out, or when she’ll be back. She went out on Saturday, I text her on Sunday morning to ask when she’d be home and got a one word response - “later”. She came home at 10.30pm. Apparently I’m overbearing and unreasonable to even ask. Sometimes she disappears for days at a time (staying with friends) without telling me. Even when she’s home I only see her for approximately 3 minutes per day. I’m beginning to look forward to her moving out as I find it really stressful.

I'd expect an adult of any age to let someone know if they're staying out overnight. Not asking permission, just letting people know they're safe.

I would assume basics like DH and I would for each other.
Where they are going (friends, partners, town, pub, for a run, gym, etc) and rough time home, i.e., I'll be an hour, or don't wait up, etc
If we're are still cooking family meals, I would expect sufficient notice to include or not.
Friends and GF have always been welcome (we are a feel free to pop in household), but overnight, I would expect notice.
I have no idea how I would feel about ONS DS is only 16, so it hasn't happened yet
Other than basic courtesy, they are adults so yes come and go as they please.

My young adults live upstairs in my house. They have their own fridge and kettle but still use my kitchen to cook. They both work (and oay housekeeping). They work odd hours so often aren't here at meal times. Because they are upstairs and they have quite a bit of space they can entertain friends up there etc, we're almost two households in one dwelling.
They generally communicate quite well anyway in terms of where they're going, what their plans are. It just comes up in general conversation. There are no curfews etc.
Meals are opt-in here. If I'm doing a favourite, or Grandma is coming for dinner etc then I might mention it. Xmas Day/birthdays are a bit different. Otherwise they sort themselves out. It's sometimes annoying when they decide to cook a spag bol at 9pm but they always tidy up after themselves. I don't interfere with the state of upstairs, although I accept that when they do leave it'll need new flooring and decorating.
I think because they still use my kitchen we all communicate quite well, we know quite a bit about each other's lives, and often enjoy a good late night kitchen table gossip. We still have the odd board game night too.
I'd rather have them here (even with the late night garlic smell) and saving for deposits, than paying big rent for a grotty rental and saving nothing.

Oh and we report if we are going away and/or there's no dinner service!!!

Dsd, and dd before her have to say if they are going to be honest for dinner or none will magically appear on the table. We also have them check in if they are not going to be home, they send a simple text saying staying at xxx. Neither had casual relationships and we were introduced to whoever if they were staying over, one married her second serious relationship, one is living with her third serious relationship and the other is buying a house with her first serious relationship so will be moving out (empty nest, can't wait!)

Yeah she comes and goes. If she's in il make her dinner, if she's not and I've not heard she's coming back I don't. I do usually know what her schedule is roughly when she's working as she works night shifts and shel be in asleep during the day but when it's her days off I don't always know what she's up to and she does as she pleases.

I've always made it clear that they don't need to ask me for permission or give me specifics but it's decent and responsible behaviour to let me know if they are in or out for meals/overnight.

Just as I would do the other way round.

We are all adults and able to be in charge of ourselves but we are also people sharing an environment and informing others on your general movements is polite and respectful.

i think it is always good practice as an adult to inform people where you are - had a flatmate who would just disappear for up to 3 days at a time ans it was impossible to know if you should be worried - hence the letting people know if you are out of dinner and the night

It is a family home not a HMO or student house? So yes expect to be kept informed what meals they will be home for and where they are sleeping