To ask if your adult dc live at home if they just come and go as they please?

The poster doesn't sound in the least bit overbearing. Her DD is rude and discourteous!

It's really not. It's common courtesy!

Mine's at Uni and working away over the summer, but if she's here I like to know if she's coming home at night or not, or if she wants dinner. A text takes seconds and it's just polite. I wouldn't disappear off the face of the earth without anyone knowing where I was and I'm 55.

Mine message me if they aren't coming home, or message me to say they are already home if I am out later than them. I don't cook for them but if I did I'd either plate a spare up or stick a portion in the freezer.

They message to say they are on their way home or staying out so I know not to save them food etc.. other than that they are young adults and I leave them to it

I would expect them to say if they were planning to be out overnight or missing a family meal, but aside from that, they can do as they please.

Mine are older teens 17 and 19. We’ve always asked them to let us know if they’re out when they are likely to be back. If DS1 stays over at his GF house he lets us know and we generally ask of they’re eating dinner with us - so we can plan mostly.
after my first failed marriage I moved back in with my parents in my early 20’s but always let them know if I was going out and what time I’d be back A just out of courtesy really

Dd lets me know if she will be back for meals or staying out. If her plans change she will always text me....eg if she ends up at a friend's instead of coming home as planned she will text me. I don't check my messages at 3 am but she knows I will see it in the morning!

Yes come and go as they please
No I don't cook for them. There used to be many a wasted meal.
There's food in the fridge / freezer if they are hungry

Here too. I have 2 x twentysomethings living at home at present. They have jobs and cars so they come and go as they please, we don't keep tabs on their whereabouts. But DH cooks from scratch most evenings and hates food waste so he does like to know in advance how many he is cooking for. As for staying out overnight, the only reason we need to know goes to whether we lock the front door or not!

Yes, anyone who lives in my house keeps the rest of us informed as to movements- usually verbally or on the family WhatsApp.
As a minimum, they'll let me know if they won't be in for dinner, and I'd expect that to be well before I start cooking it.
They can come and go as they please, but I want to know who's in or out, and I ask them to text me when they get in, even if it's 4am, so that a) I'm not worrying and b) I won't hoover outside their room if I know they're sleeping in!
The ones here currently are in their 20s, fully adult, and are only here temporarily.
It's never been an issue.

I think its common courtesy to let the people you live with have a rough idea of your movement and also a good safety check. If you cook for them then 100 per cent i would want to know plans.

I would say that’s common courtesy, not bizarre and paranoid.

It’s really not - when our flatmate and uni disappeared for 3 days it was worrying and although she would often disappear
for a day or two this was a day longer than normal we were about to call the police but not knowing whether or not we should was awful and she did sail v close to the wind with what she did

she now has a 20 year old and has apologised for disappearing.

it is just sensible to just say not home see you tomorrow etc so you know

We assume them out for dinner unless they tell us they’re in. They both have their own food they can make if they forget to tell us but there were too many occasions of us making food and they’d have forgotten they were out so we’re flipped it.
i expect to be told if they’re not home overnight but don’t quiz on where or why.
they do their own washing and I expect any mess in kitchen they’ve made to be cleaned up by them.
They walk the dog when they’re around but that’s not that much!
Unlike a lot here, I can’t wait for them both to move out, 24 and 23 years old so might still be a while…

Yes, dc (22) tells us roughly when he’s in and out, but partly so we always know there’s someone to walk the dog etc.

I don't think you're being overbearing for expecting a young adult to act like an adult Anonym00se. Communication is the expected norm between adults sharing a home.
Giving an approx idea of when you are and aren't going to be around isn't unreasonable, and if no real idea as having fun I'd expect to be told a wide range approximate; ie by late tonight, but if not, by tomorrow evening.
The rent is split between us fairly as adults, if they wanted to live by hotel rules, they'd be advised to move into one.

DD 21 cooks and shops for herself so it doesn't affect us if she’s here or not in that regard. She usually says roughly what time she will be back and if she is staying at her boyfriend’s house. To be honest I think that’s just common courtesy when you are living in someone else’s house. She is currently saving to move out.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. She's a cheeky little madam. It's just good manners to let the people you live with know if you're going to be in or out.
Our son is just waiting to exchange on a flat, he's 32 but the tables have turned with us DH and I like to go out during the day and we told him we were just going to Matalan and then we decided to go on somewhere else and when we got back he had a right face on and said "long queue in Matalan was it?" 😂😂😂 .

19 and a bit of a knob. I usually phone about 5ish as I'm just about to start tea to say, 'Do you want tea tonight?' If he answers and wants it then I cook for him too.

No answer, I don't. I assume he'll sort himself out.

If he's not coming home all night then I expect the courtesy of a text so I'm not worrying. He mostly manages that. Is mostly home for the night, to be honest.

I'd imagine DC over 18 would usually come and go as and when, but as adults would, they'd politely mention their movements in passing convo or if asked. I wouldn't be cooking meals for them or supplying food. So they could sort that themselves whenever.
If parents wanted them to do something as a favour then they should try and be available if not at work or college. And obviously always do own cleaning, laundry etc.

Pretty much this in our house too

I would appreciate a message to say not coming home tonight if you were expecting them just so I don't worry.

Likewise if not wanting dinner it's just courtesy to let you know

My dd is 21 and let's me know if she won't be home for dinner as most night we eat together if everyone is at home. She would let me know if she was staying out over night too.

I live at home as an adult but not out of çhoice. We alternate the nights we cook. I let stepdad know my general plans as in I will be leaving extra early or will be back after 10PM kind of thing.