To ask if your adult dc live at home if they just come and go as they please?

i'm an adult who still lives with a parent.. i'm much older though. I still let my 72yo mum know what i'm doing, to a point. I'm 43, and you're welcome to point this out to your DD.

Its courtesy to let the others in the house know if they need to include you in evening meals, and if you'll be home before/after the front door is locked for the night/away for the whole night.

The rest is none of anyone elses business.. IE.. where i'm going, who with..etc.

Our youngest ds22 is a student and works evenings in a pub, also goes out with friends a lot. He generally let's us know his plans as a courtesy in terms of cooking, and texts when he gets home on a night - this is, I think, habitual from when he was younger. I usually find his text when I wake in the morning!

I think it's courtesy to say if not coming home, and also a safety thing. And a manner of respect too.

Also to let you know if home for dinner. But I would also expect them to chip in with cleaning and house work and to make meals too.

OP. My cautionary tale when a DS with additional needs started going out and about on his own.

He was 20, but young for his age. Was working and had bought a nice watch and a nice necklace. We told him not to go out wearing them, but he wouldn't listen.

He started off with friends we knew, then bumped into someone he had known at college and decided to go with that person instead. He didn't know their full name or where lived, just a nickname.

We got a call about 5 a.m. from A&E. He had been found, high as a kite, lying in the main road. He had no phone, no watch and no chain. Totally taken advantage of by someone he hardly knew and had left him in the road after robbing him.

So although you can say you want to know where they are and what they are doing, once they have left the house there isn't a lot you can do.

That experience did shock him and he was very wary of actually going anywhere unless we took him and collected him. But that was a couple of years ago and that shock wore off. We ask that he stays in touch when he is out and whilst we can't insist he comes back at a set time, we do encourage him to do so.

When I moved back home for a bit after uni, my parents just asked me to let them know if I would be in for dinner or was sorting out my own food and also if I was not going to be back overnight. They didn't need to know where I was going or what I was doing but both of those are think are just common courtesy or for safety.

Mine both lived with us for short periods in their 20s.

In both cases, they came and went as they pleased but I expected them to tell me if they weren't planning to eat at home or if they were going to be out late.

My DS lived here over lockdown and until he went back to Uni .
Eventually he got a job in a bar and did shifts around his uni work
Always text to say whether in or out
I always left a portion of dinner in the fridge.
It got hoovered up either when he got in or the next day for brunch
Zero food waste here 😂
It's basic manners and the rude DD would be told or she could move out

My 2 DS’s 28 and 31 (I know) still at home, are really good at keeping us informed of things and always have been. Youngest is stuck to phone and messages DH several times a day anyway. We’ve had bust ups about not letting us know things like meals in the past, but it’s a lot better at the moment.

A text message if they are not coming back to eat, or staying out late. Most meals could be kept in fridge for a microwave restoration. I always asked my adult DCs when they come home late, to take shoes off & leave inside front door, that way, I know they were in, without having to break into their room. Definitely text rather than WiFi message, as their signal might not be great.

Common courtesy when you share with anyone, whether family, roommate or partner. Let them know when or if you'll be back, update if appropriate, whether you want food (depending on your arrangement). No difference who you share with. Courtesy.

Mine come and go as they please. I like to have an idea where the 18yo is but don't tend to ask the 24yo.

I do expect them to let me know if they plan to eat with us and if they are coming home or not so I don't worry.

Pretty much. We all let each other know our plans for the day and check if that changes.
It works both ways though in our house

Exactly this. It is not overbearing to want to know they have plans that involve staying out overnight. I don’t need to know what (or who!) the plans are just not to worry if they don’t come home. As lots have said that is courtesy and a safety thing.
Also had a housemate in uni who was very unreliable in that regard. She might say one thing then a message would get to us asking for someone to pick her up from a random pub/club or house because she was too drunk to be safe on her own.

Mine have all come and gone since about age 16. They've all been happy to update me on plans, and give me a heads up if they're having friends over.

Not ok to just do whatever without informing you. it’s thoughtless and rude.

My son is 27 and always let's me know about dinner, and where he is etc, even when he is miles away at his girlfriends, he still keeps me updated about how he is. I'd be out of my mind. He wasn't always sure himself so he'd get annoyed with me asking, especially when out and about, trying to be cool,but I'll give him his dues, he never stayed out all night and didn't check in

All of us communicate. So we let each other know who is in for dinner, staying elsewhere, got a friend coming over. Everyone can do as they like but it seems only polite to let one another know.

Aside from that we often chat about where we are going and who with.

I have a 17 year old and a 24 year old. The 24 year old moved out last month but prior to that came and went as he pleased. The only thing I asked of him was to let me know if he was staying out all night.
17 year old DS is a dream, he still asks permission to stay out late for parties or to stay out all night at friends. I’ve told him he doesn’t need to ask permission, just keep me in the loop… he still asks.
He’s a proper homebody though, he’ll ask to stay at a mates, then turn up back home anyway because he prefers his own bed.

I totally disagree @notanotheronenow - @Anonym00se you don't sound overbearing at all. Your daughter sounds rude and thoughtless.

Mine have all spent time, living at home, as adults, and yes, they would obviously let us know if they weren't coming home or if they wanted food / were eating out etc. That's just common courtesy. DH, or I would show the same respect.
That doesn't mean anyone had a curfew or anything - as adults they make their own choices, but they are also adult enough to understand if people just disappear without telling anyone, then that is worrying for people.

24 yo son has been back at home since graduating 2 years ago. I do most of the cooking, so ask before shopping which nights he is working away from home, and if he has any other plans that week. Obviously things can change on the day, and he will message if he's eating out or going to be much later home than normal. On the rare occasion he forgets and I cater for him one of us will have the meal for lunch the following day. He does all his own laundry and is supposed to clean the family bathroom though sometimes needs reminding! We also let him know if we are out for dinner or having friends round. Generally works well for all of us. He's about to move out into his own place, intending to have him round for dinner at least once a fortnight so we get to see him.
Daughter has not returned home post uni, but when she stays we expect communication re meals she will be in for and if she will be out late. Both have house keys and (dire financial circumstances excepted) know there will always be a bed for them at home, but not necessarily their bedroom - we plan to redecorate for guests and to use as sewing room/home office too.

I'd want to know a basic plan, especially if they're staying out.

Surely that's just common courtesy plus a safety issue 🤷‍♀️

My DD is late 20s and she always lets me know when she’s coming and going. She still asks if it’s ok to have friends over, she’s very respectful that way, I love it 🥰