To ask if your adult dc live at home if they just come and go as they please?

My young adult children come & go as they please, but we are close, so they always tell me their plans as part of a conversation about what they’ve got happening that day / week. I cook for them if I know they’re going to be home, but sometimes plans change when they’re out so it goes in the fridge for someone to have for lunch the next day.

They don’t contribute financially, but have offered to.

When mine were students, but home in the holidays, they didn't contribute anything financially. The money they earned in the holidays was for them to choose to subsidise themselves the next year, or saving for holidays or whatever.
Once they were earning however, yes, mine did contribute some housekeeping. Neither paid a commercial rent or anything, as they were here to save for their own places. That of course was only possible because we are in the privileged position of being able to afford to have them living here.

All adults share the rent and bills here, but house rules are you get rent free if working a gap year earning for uni, subsidized if at uni, pay your fair share if / once full time earning.

Covid shutdowns destroyed decades of hard work here so it's the only option.

Mine don't contribute either as we don't need it.

I'd think they should say if they're not going to be in until after your bedtime/ out all night but not apart from that.

DS pays £50 a week. He's 19 and working.

If he chooses to eat somewhere else or stay somewhere else, that's up to him. But the roof over your head needs paying for...and I don't knock money off.

You don't get the option to skip paying rent if you're elsewhere. So you don't argue at home.

A roof, wifi, all bills, shower, use of the washing machine, 3 meals a day if wanted - for £7 a day? I'd bite someone's hand off.

Mine doesn't contribute. She would if I asked her to but we don't need it and I would rather not take her money. Wouldn't hesitate if finances were tight though.

I lived at home until my mid-20s and always let my mum know my movements, as a family we were used to saying, I'm off to wherever and I'll be back later, tomorrow, whatever, we did this from when we were allowed out on our own and it seemed normal to continue to do it. When I was working my hours were set and if I decided to go shopping or out straight from work, I'd just leave a message on the home phone as this was way before text and What'sapp. Also as mum did the majority of the cooking if you wanted feeding it was only polite to let her know. There were never any restrictions or questioning, just common courtesy.

When my DC reached a similar age they just did the same, I may have had issues with DC2's attitude but they never stayed out without saying they were or dropped off the grid. Mine went to uni, came back, went to uni, Covid happened so they came back, went back to uni and now finally they both have their own places.

My dd is 19. She does absolutely come and go as she pleases, and often stays away from home/eats elsewhere etc BUT she always communicates her plans in advance so that we know what's happening. That is indeed just common courtesy and not too much to ask at all.

Mine says if away overnight or if they are going to be very late. They like their food so very much let me know if eating at home or want a plate saved.

This is what DS did when he was still at home. Just basic courtesy - he always asked if it was ok if his girlfriend came to tea and gave us notice as she is veggie.

As for getting home, make sure he has the local taxi numbers in his phone and never walk home alone late and a good distance to walk. Just while he gets used to going out independently. Just hop in a taxi.

Mine come and go as they please, but they always let me know if they are sleeping over at a friends. As for dinner I will always ask them if they are eating at home and if they don't know I will make them dinner and put in the fridge for them to eat the next day if they are not able to eat it that night.

We ask that they let us know if they change their plans or if they are not coming back.

One of mine has additional needs and it was tricky at first. We all struggled with it for longer than with the others.

My son is home from uni the moment. He comes and goes as he pleases but let's us know rough plans. If he's not coming home, he'll text to let us know, if he's said he'll be back for dinner and plans change, he'll let us know etc. It's just courtesy, we all keep each other informed.

My ds's 19 and 22 let me know if they are out overnight, so does my lodger. No restrictions, just like to know I don't have to worry if they are not in in the morning.

My DD has SEN, taken longer to grow up etc. She told me what she was doing until about 25. I now joke for her to post the odd thing on FB so I now that she is alive. When she is on holiday, I get messages because she wants favours doing. I don't cook for her, regularly, it stopped at about 22. She now (27) tells me her plans so I'm around for her cat.

We approach it as acting and treating them like adults. If they want to act like adults then thats fine with us. All we ask for is some mutual consideration.

We have a family whatsapp. Messages usually go like

"Staying at ......., be back tomorrow for dinner"
"Can .......... come for dinner please"
"Finishing work at 10pm tonight, dont wait up"
"Dont include me for dinner, going to cook for myself"

It takes seconds to communicate and sometimes it can break down but in general just let them get on with it.

This is the arrangement we have. If DS1 wants feeding he needs to let me know, but sometimes he will be back later and cook for himself. If he isnt coming home that night he lets me know, but only ebcause he knows I am a worrier. He spends about 50% of the time at his GF's.

When I was that age, the conversation would basically have gone 'Are you eating with us this evening?' and I'd have either said 'Oh, yes please' or 'No, don't worry, I'm going out'. I only really lived at home as an adult while I was working for a year before university, and then for about six months after I graduated, but I was at home during the university holidays as well.

I think I used to give my parents a vague idea of what time I'd be back, but nothing very precise. More like 'We're just going to the pub so I'll be back after closing' or 'Not sure how late I'll be out, but it might be the early hours of the morning so don't worry if you don't hear me come in'.

I expect to know if I’m cooking for them, don’t need to know if they are not coming home for one night as that’s pretty common but like to know if I’m not going to see them for a few days. Proof of life so to speak.

I think that sort of situation can happen to any young person, they do not need to have additional needs to be taken advantage of by others. My parents tried to 'smother' me and it really backfired because it took me much longer to learn resilience and to trust my own judgement. My first summer holiday home after a year away at college was really a turning point for my relationship with my parents. I politely pointed out that for about 9 months of the year they had no idea where I was or the time I got home. Yes I told my parents when I would not be home and where I was staying and would let Mum know if I would or would not be home for an evening meal, but it cut both ways in that my parents would let me know if they were going to be out too so I would not worry about them.

Mine do. But we do talk so they would say if they want food together, otherwise we do our own thing.

Yeah, ignore all the posts telling you otherwise. They obviously don't have kids with the same issues and are very happy to tell you how wonderfully independent their kids are and how cool they are as a parents and they wouldn't dream of trying to keep tabs on their child. But it's not helpful.

The best you can do is let them get on with it but try to get as much info out of them, and maybe arrange to pick them up if you can? We all learn by our mistakes, so if you can let them make mistakes but minimise the fall out, you are doing good.