Am I really that U to change name at work?!

People can be pretty judgemental about judging people on their name changes after marriage. I’ve had someone shout me down and call me not a feminist for changing my name to my married name, which I object to. To me havingmy father’s name as my surname, when I have no contact with my father and I didn’t choose that name is not something I want. I chose to have my husband’s surname. My husband’s name is not his surname passed on through generations either it came from a remarriage, so again it’s just a name we both share. He probably would have changed to mine if I had wanted mine. I don’t have to explain that to anyone but people assume they know why you are making a certain change but you don’t always know why someone wants to change their name via marriage and that’s entirely up to you.

You can legally change your name. Married or not. No idea why your employers or colleagues have a problem with it. Just do it, ignore their nonsense and embrace your new name.

I changed my name back after divorce. It was a bit annoying having to tell everyone at work, sort out email etc but nobody queried it. Whatever people might think privately, it’s unprofessional and inappropriate to make patronising, judgemental comments to a colleague.

I was ironically fortunate when I lost my job shortly after getting married as it meant my new job didn't know me by any other name. Although a mistake on my NI number meant I didn't actually exist tax-wise for a few years...

If you'd changed your name by Deed Poll they'd have a legal obligation to use the new name. If you've got everything else with your new surname I feel they are being petty and lazy to not change it. I know I'd feel weird if anyone used my old surname and I lost a whole lot of prejudice when I changed mine which I didn't know existed.

Surely it’s the woman’s right to choose what she wants to do.

Are you not in the UK? It’s pretty much the norm here.

I worked for a large, as in global-large, IT company and saw many people change surnames and some first names - it was never an issue for customer facing staff or SME's.
The issue with the "IT" department is typical, they are never people-people and just can't be arsed - so, follow your company procedures (change request etc) and ask the IT lot to pull their heads out of their arses.

It’s not like you’re changing your first name.

They will get use to it, it’s their problem, not yours! Who cares what other people are or aren’t doing.

You change your name and don’t let anyone make you feel crap for doing so. No one should be commenting as it’s none of their business. As for IT, like someone else said, it’s their bloody job.

I told my husband that I would double barrel my name but in reality this has only extended to Facebook 😂 I wouldn't change my name at work and I don't see others doing so very often.

That said, I ran into an old work colleague last week who said she recently got married and was in the process of changing her name on everything. I felt a bit taken aback by it. I've always had a lot of respect for her (and still do!) and she's a strong professional woman, I'm not really sure why I had that reaction. I suppose I must be a bit internally judgemental of it.

I admit I had a friend who used to go on and on about wanting her boyfriend to propose so they could share a name, and I found it all a bit pathetic!

Notice that you referred in your example to the woman's surname as having been got from her father, and added no such condition to either the husband or the woman's father himself. Despite the fact that they probably got theirs the same way.

That use of language says a lot, even when you don't want it to.

Is no one changing their name when they get married these days and especially not at work?

Not sure what you mean by ‘these days’? I’m not young, have worked for several decades and during that time I can’t think of any direct peer colleagues who changed their names on marriage. I think a few may have double-barrelled but it would be on the rarer side. There have been plenty of other non-direct peer colleagues who I have seen change their names over the years though.

You will notice I referred to 'my' surname, not my father's. I also made no reference to a husband.

I think my point was lost on you

I had 2 friends change their names and it made me assess whether we shared the same life values. I was very upset when my sister changed her name

Not friend related as I couldn’t care what anyone else did/does in this regard but I did have the same experience with DH. At some point before we married I thought to say ‘you realise I’m not changing my name right’, and he said something to the effect of ‘well, yes, because if you did I wouldn’t be marrying you’, and it’s at that point you do appreciate you are with someone who shares your values.

Can also relate to the sibling aspect. Again, not personally as could not have given a flying fuck what my own siblings did, but I do know that none of my kids would be at all happy if their siblings changed their name. The one thing they do like is sharing the same name (which is different to mine and DH’s, it’s unique to them).

I couldn't wait to be Mrs X and I don't care what anyone else thinks!

Counter-argument: women have more socially accepted options for their names than men do. While there’s a decades-long history of women keeping their birth names or hyphenating their names, men taking their wives’ names is rare and seen as strange.

Funny how it's only ever the men who get their own names in this argument, isn't it? You refer to both the woman's father and her husband as having their own names, with no conditions, even as your first paragraph says nobody owns a name. And of course, there's no mention of the woman's own mothers involvement in the naming process either.

I changed my surname when I had kids. The surname I chose also happens to be their father's surname. It isn't 'his' surname. No one owns a surname, the same way countless baby name threads observe no one owns a name.

Prepared to bet that most of the ardent, not changing their surname group have a surname that came from their own father. I can't see that keeping that surname is any more a feminist act of revolution against the patriarchy than changing to the surname of a person you have chosen to share your life with.

I changed my name personally but not professionally. And not doing so professionally (but having done so legally) caused a headache at work with IT systems etc.

You do what’s right for you. I work in a highly regarded professional career and I’d say most of my female colleagues changed their names.

Rubbish! And so smug...😏

Well, perhaps as a DV and CSA survivor the opportunity to eschew connection to my bio family and be included within a new extended and loving family meant more to me than it might do to you? The safety and unconditional acceptance his family offered, symbolised by taking his name, was a true gift.

22 years later, we are still happily married. 59% of first marriages do not end in divorce, you know, and that statistic improves by 39% if you have been with your premarital partner for more than 3 years (we were together for 10years before we married).

And if we ever had divorced… so what? My kids and I would have the same name. Not all marriages end in divorce and not all divorces are traumatic and acrimonious.

My father changed our family name when I was 5 in the early 70's so as I was at school I had a new name to learn to write double barrelled at that 🤣....then in my 30's I got married and took my husbands name....early 40's got divorced and gladly went back to my name change name from +5 years of age. Then 3 years ago mid 50's I got married again and double barrelled my name with my husbands actually loosing my birth surname in the process 🤣 husband stayed with his surname.
I've changed my name a lot in my lifetime and not once has it crossed my mind it wasn't by my choice ( or my dads) or for my enjoyment....as for IT auck it up buttercups that is the sort of stuff you are paid to do not sneakily play games and drink energy drinks

That’s a change of title, but there is no automatic assumption that a “Mrs” is lesser than a Miss or a Ms. So the status in society remains the same.

Also, titles are barely used these days except on forms. At work, none of my colleagues or clients have any reason to address me as Mrs or Ms or Ms. They just use my first name. Colleagues who did not work with me prior to my name change have no idea whether my name is my married one or the one I was given at birth.
Paper correspondence at work is rare these days and would just be addressed to first name surname. Same for the men.
My son’s teachers address us as Jane and John. My doctor and dentist call me Jane.

The only people I can think of whose marital status titles are used at work are teachers and surgeons.

I put Ms on forms. There is no situation I can think of in which I would be treated differently depending on the title I used.

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