Contributions from (pensioner) MIL to household

The situation changes a little from your updates about her fiances. It sounds as though she can more than afford to contribute fairly, and is well aware of modern costs. I think the fair thing to do here is have a family meeting, involving your sil, where you break down to her exactly what she needs to be contributing to cover her costs. If your life is on hold because of her care, then she needs to be considering paid help in addition, to take the load off your dh and you.

I think some are losing the gist of the original query. The MIL agreed to cover her costs once she was rid of her house and associated bills. Now doesn't want to so has reneged on the understanding reached when she moved in. I can understand why that leaves a bit of a bad taste given the level of care and attention and available funds which are continuing income and not from her savings. It would be different if there was no money, but the fact remains that there is and banking it into savings for HMRC to swipe later, while costing the OP's family significantly more than planned is a bit unfair.

But I do acknowledge that she's an elderly relative with dementia and this is a really tricky line to walk before you look exploitative.
I do think that expectations have been set and not met and the reality is reasonably significant financial and support overhead for the OP and his partner. So they can either suck it up or sit down with the MIL and either ask her to cover some care and support costs with an independent provider, or to make more of a contribution to her costs. Personally I'd be more inclined to look at the independent provider as it is likely she will need more care down the line, interim respite care in the meantime and the precedent is then set while she has the capacity to sign off on it.

A lot of these responses are unrealistic in the light of the dementia dx.

It can be very hard to discern or work out how a person with dementia, even early on, perceive facts and put things together (or not) on their minds. Logic does not apply. It can affect emotional responses. Memory can be very patchy and inconsistent. Cause and effect lose the connection so an ultimatum is not really an ethical basis for forming a decision.

People getting older and frailer feel defensive. Even without dementia many older people are in denial about how much help they actually need.

There is no doubt, OP, that asking for , and needing more contribution, is not unreasonable.

Unfortunately being reasonable is often difficult for dementia sufferers.

I wonder if your DP’s sister can help? Be firm, reassure her Mum that the ££ is reasonable and that her Mum has loads of money etc, and tell her firmly that it is the right thing to do?

OP, in your shoes I would ask her where she wants to live. No one gets a free ride I’m afraid.

You and DP need to be on the same page and present as a united front too -you can’t be the “bad guy.”

If she doesn’t want to pay more to you then she pays a lot more to someone else. That’s it in a nutshell. I think it is ultimatum time.

presumably you will benefit when you inherit her cash which will not be depleted by care home fees.

Not necessarily. The OP is not family. Family are the two sisters. I wonder what the other sister's thoughts are about this money OP is proposing to take from the estate. And what her thoughts will be at the time (which will come) when the POA she has is activated, or when her mother's care needs increase, or when her mother passes. What will she think then, about all of this "who is working, who is cooking, who is funding my house" dog in the manger talk.

I expect it sounds like a lot to her because, assuming that her mortgage was paid off, she was probably paying less than that for food and bills.

But her circumstances have changed and she can't live independently, so needs to accept your genuine calculation of what it costs you to have her in your home.

I think you need to properly itemise the costs involved with keeping her, and show her that.

I don't think you should be asking for more than what it genuinely costs to keep her - she is family, and presumably you will benefit when you inherit her cash which will not be depleted by care home fees.

If you can show her that it costs you £600 to keep her in your home, then yes she should pay that or take steps to move out.

This. Especially when the weather cools and she wants the heating on all the time

Is she claiming attendance allowance, then you can claim the carers allowance?

She's not even his mother in law. Her daughter is just his partner. But here he is muscling in on the financial affairs of the family. It's for them to sort. The lady's care needs are going to increase and her finances are going to decrease as she gets older. Particularly as she approaches the end of her dementia journey, her costs will increase substantially. At that point the quality of care she receives is crucial. She should not be doing anything that depletes her financial resources (which she has spent her life building up) and therefore restricts choices about the type of care she can access at that time.

I don't think it's making money. It's cutting even.

Thank god someone else has said that. This thread is shocking. Making money off an elderly woman with dementia.

You're getting boring now

Yeah, l guessed there was back story of tightness! £1,400 a month to spend on herself is a lot. I don’t even get a quarter of that to spend just on myself and l work full time! She’s taking the piss especially when you factor in the care you give. She also needs to keep her beak out of how much her grandchild is contributing. It’s not her house or her rules, especially as she isn’t actually contributing to the house -she is a drain. £400 is very little these days, wouldn’t even get you a room in a house share where l live, that’s before you even get to bills, food, caters etc

I would calculate the cost of her actually paying her way at the house and present it to her. If she doesn’t want to pay then fine and she can move out. I wouldn’t be guilted into sucking all of this up as it could go on for years and her needs most likely will massively increase. You haven’t said her age but l know from my own grand parents how long dementia can go on for some people

I don’t have any advice other than the excellent support you have already received. I wish your MIL knew how very lucky she is to have such a kind and responsible SIL.

💐

Agreed. It says a lot about MIL. Has MIL always been so tight and selfish?

I think her casting up how little her GD pays is a big issue and her using that as a reason to not pay more is really shitty.

I'm going against the grain here, I wouldn't dream of charging my parent for living with me unless I couldn't afford it. I appreciate that once her care needs accelerate she could pay for carers to attend to her personal care.

My mum lives in a sheltered flat. £925 pm is her rent. A couple of hundred on bills. Probably £300 on food. She sold her house but can manage her bills on her pension.