Contributions from (pensioner) MIL to household

This

What DSD is paying is irrelevant. Different position in life and presumably can cook and clean up after herself and doesn't need 'care' and taking to multiple appointments weekly, etc

MIL, otoh, needs everything done for her, which costs time and money, energy and patience.

SHe can pay more and get less elsewhere if she doesn't want to contribute more to your household financially to cover her presence. I'd tell her that.

OP, you and your partner are being totally reasonable and fair in this. You need to sit MIL down and talk to her kindly and sensitively, but be very clear and matter of fact about what is happening. She can afford to pay more and she needs to do that asap. A carer twice a day would be around £600 - £1000 a month (and that would be very limited compared to what you provide) and a care home would be more like £5000 a month.

Well it goes two ways, living for £600 a month might be a bargain but is her staying in the house costing £600 a month? If it isn't I think you have to decide if it is morally right to be making a profit by housing her.

Actually the OP sounds very resentful of the money she has which I think is colouring the argument. If all she had was £400 a month would she get thrown out?

I might be tempted to add up all the household costs - including food etc. then divide by four and charge her for 25%. Say you are choosing to pay your DD's portion.

Then add on top of that the costs for her specific expenses, like travel mileage etc.

I think £600 is a bloody bargain. Is she in receipt of a full or part state pension?

Well you need to come to an agreement or she gets her own place but 99% per her outgoings have stopped? You mean £400 is 1% of what her outgoings were, £40k a month seems likely to be an overestimate or she was living in a very large palace with lots of overheads.

How much is she realistically adding to your bills?

1. It’s a mistake to agree to raise a price with an arbitrary date in the future, with no set price explained. Ideally, this should have been written out, with dates and prices clearly outlined, and signed by all parties. But we are where we are and you live and learn.
2. Why does MIL know DD’s rent? Who has been oversharing financial details?
3. An easy option could be to raise DD’s rent to £600 and save the £200 in an earmarked account for her deposit. BUT DO NOT OVERSHARE THIS WITH MIL.

I just can’t imagine either of my parents sitting on unspent income every month whilst watching the family I live with and who care for me pay increased costs effectively freeloading off them. Looking after family goes both ways!

I would do two things -

1 - increase dds rent and agree with her privately how much will go into savings
2 - split your MIL contribution in more detail - a nominal amount of rent plus 25% of council tax, fair share of every utility (including an uplift for having heating on all day), cost of petrol and wear and tear on car for hospital, doctor etc visits. Charge her that, she can cut anything like heating during day or being driven about if she doesn’t want it.

not sure if you feel like calling her bluff with supported living costs but I’d try that first.

Did you read that she is an old lady, on various medications, who quite recently slept most of the time ? I don’t suppose she is thinking clearly.

Be a bit kinder

Do you actually understand what poa is???

Do not speak about what you don't understand.

I don't think you are unreasonable. Especially as her needs will increase over time.

If she won't budge on the money side of things, then you may have to reduce the things you do for her. My first thought is that all the ferrying around should stop. If she needs to get to appointments, she will have to take a taxi.

A conversation needs to take place, and I agree that you should work out what it would cost her to live independently again, with a care package.

If course you are not trying to rip her off, but this is your life, free time and good will and she needs to be paying her way.

But why does she have to know what DD is paying?

Why does she know what DSD pays? That transaction has nothing to do with her. I’d probably sit them down together and tell them rent was going up to X for both of them, but in reality divert the extra from DSD back to her savings.

I think that's quite enough for her to contribute.

It's not just board and lodging she's paying for it's care too. Kindly explain this to her and offer to support her to find her own over 55s flat and find a care agency as an alternative.

Your house, your rules 🙂

If DSD is her argument I would put both their rents up. But explain to DSD that you'll be putting away the additional for her; this is simply to justify it to your MIL.

When the time comes turn the heating off and put the woolly jumpers on. Explain to her you can't afford to heat the home without more money.

Although I did say £500 a month was enough, now having more knowledge of the MIL’s finances and her previous bills, I agree with OP and hope they come to an agreement about a reasonable monthly sum. £600 seems fair.

Have a look in the elderly parents forum. These are people who have lived with, cared for, experienced most things with their elderly parents, relatives etc. They have good sound advice having been there, seen it, done it.

YANBU and bringing in what her granddaughter pays - shameful. She pays up or moves out. Not sure if dementia is in play here but they become fixated on money.

DP's mum lives alone and has the heating on full blast twelve months of the year,I'd hate to see her gas bill.