Contributions from (pensioner) MIL to household

OP what rate PIP does your mil get? Does your do work? If your mil gets enhanced mobility then she can get a car again for you/dp/dsd to use for her needs, and you can use it at other times too - mil doesn’t have to be named as a driver. If your dp or dsd earn less than £151 per week then they can claim carers allowance, this does not affect your mil PIP.

I think you need to itemise and add up all your utility, food and petrol bills for each month and call a family meeting. Maybe your DMiL doesn't realise how much everything costs nowadays, especially energy. Is she intending to live with you permanently now? If so, it's only fair that she contributes her quarter of the bills.

She needs to stick to the agreement but you need to look at the long term implications of this. Its probably not sustainable as it sounds like she needs a lot of support. Look into assisted living now. Most places have waiting lists so you need to be organised. I suspect the minute you start quoting costs of assisted living she'll dig her heals in saying she needs to save for that. Its going to be tricky, but you need to stand your ground.

No I think £400pcm is fair. Anything more and you would be seen to be taking advantage of MIL. She is not requiring care home levels of care from you. We are supposed to look after our elders. Either stick at £400pcm or ask her to move out.

You aren't running a professional boarding house, therefore it's none of MILs business how much DSD pays, and I wouldn't be doing any behind the scenes calculations so it appears "fair".

MIL agreed an amount and is now reneging on that whilst getting a lot from living with you.I would be angry.

YADNBU

As a member of your household, your MIL offered to increase her contribution once she was in a position to do so. She is now in that position and her living expenses should be costed and presented to her for discussion, along with the comparative figures for assisted living.

It's likely that in the 18 months she's lived with and been cared for by you that she's got out of touch with prices even though she was previously fully responsible for her own living costs.

I hope you can resolve this amicably and your DSil plays a part as you and your DP look to be doing all the heavy lifting here

I would charge them both the same, but tell the daughter that a percent of hers will be saved to gift back.

Considering you are also buying her food and cooking for her then I agree the contribution needs to be increased, otherwise you are going to be left out of pocket with this arrangement.

Slightly different scenario here, but we built an annex for a family member. They are self sufficient and buy all their own food/do their own cooking etc, but we pay the overall bills (electricity, heating etc) for the whole household. They contribute £300 a month which is more than their individual household bills would come to, but I guess they're conscious that they didn't contribute much time the build costs (not that we expected them to)

@PaterPower I wonder if the payment is a red herring here. Isn’t there a bigger conversation to be had around whether you and her DD can actually continue to provide the care MIL needs long term in your home? Her needs will increase; you both work full time (one of you even works nights); when will you be able to care for her?

I know I couldn’t have supported my DM or MIL to live with us whether they were contributing £600 or £6000 a month!

She has no reason to renege on the original agreement.

Since she didn’t like you (your words), I wonder whether you’d still feel the same if she lived for another thirty years?

I think it's fair enough to ask for more, particularly as this conversation had already happened when she moved in! She is getting a lot for the money, and she now has a lot of disposable income. If my adult child moved back home I would probably only ask about £400, but he would not expect me to take him places, nor would I have the heating on in the daytime. I once had a conversation with an elderly person in a shop I worked in, and found out that their energy bill was three times what mine was, and I live in a poorly insulated, very draughty house! You're having to go that extra mile to accommodate her.

well I am glad you were ok with it....

So she's currently paying around £100 per week for all her board and lodging?
That's a very sweet deal indeed.
You're not at all unreasonable to ask for more now she has sold her property, this was the deal originally, after all.
£600 per month, all in, is still a very good deal fo her. Parhaps show her some care home costs, around £800 to £1,000 per week these days.

This post horrified me. This is disgusting. I would not in a million years would have charged my MIL who did not like me and moved in with us, half a penny for anything. She had the best of everything, she was prioritised in our home and it was my decision, not her son's. I am Asian and my husband is British. When she died, the bulk of her estate went to my husband's sisters and we had known it would, he was only left 10K in the will. She was not fond of me but she adored her gc. I felt so privileged she lived with us (she did not cook, clean) till the end. I felt, by taking her in, that I have outsmarted her own daughters by grabbing a treasure from under their nose, to be around my dc. Not that they would have wanted her in their homes - they were discussing with us a 3-way contribution for a care home. My dc grew up in the knowledge they were special because gran chose them to be with.

Oh what a wonderful and ideal world it is for some posters. Of course back here in the real world not everyone can afford to subsidise another adult indefinitely. If the OP and partner end up on the bones of their arses what will happen to MIL then?

OPs partner works nights so probably has some heating on in the day as they are home. Some bills won't change, council tax, some might go up a bit, electricity, some might go up in proportion, food, but expecting her to pay 25% of the house costs as some are suggesting is exploiting her. They aren't a business, they aren't professional carers.

Depends what you eat, you can eat well on half that.

She has sold her property and so there is an inheritance. It might be OK to subsidise her in the short-term if you can afford it, knowing that you'll get it back and more as a lump sum.

However, you are not entitled to any money she leaves to her son, as you are not married. This means the arrangement is leaving you out of pocket. This is especially pertinent if you have your own biological children, who could be benefitting from any spare cash that you're currently spending on her.

She can afford it, so she should not be keeping you short of cash.

Well it wasn't what they said, 1% of her former outgoings, her outgoings now are £400. I think the crux of that is resentment and going to an extreme about how much she is saving.

I assume OP meant 99% of the other outgoings related to running the house that she sold. Which then frees the cash to spend on living with OP. The £400 was a discounted rate to allow for the fact that MIL was paying two lots of living expenses. Now she's paying one.

I would give her the option of a care home or charge her 50% to live with you £400 doesn’t even cover her food and bills

This

I imagine they have to heat the house more for her if she's older and not well. Plus she's home all day when she's not at appointments. That's a huge cost for a lot of homes.

So that depends on your outlook, she isn't costing them 25% of the council tax, and would the heating and food bill would reduce by that much if she left. So you are left with should she pay 25% and the OP and partner make a profit or should she pay what she is costing. Everyone will likely have a view on that and I don't think there is a right or wrong answer.