Contributions from (pensioner) MIL to household

My df has a 30 minute carer everyday to chk he's OK and help with medication.
That alone is £450 per month.

Your mil is totally unreasonable.

What has your MIL done with the money from the sale of her house ? Invested / saved prudently would give her extra income. Surely she can pay you out of that ?

I agree re increase. Whilst ur partner does not like confrontation I thjnk this must vone from.her sbd not u. She will cast u as the villain, she is unlikely to do this with her daughter.

Bearing in mind my dad was paying £1,050 a week for his care in 2012 I would say she is getting a good deal!

My MIL pays £1000 a month to live with my BIL. She did not sell her house but rents it out and part of the money comes from this. Along with a state pension she gets a teachers pension (not a full pension).

They do a lot for her cooking, cleaning, clothes washing, taking her to appointments, etc. They never leave my MIL in the house on her own for more than two hours, so it is quite restrictive. My BIL is retired so that helps. She has limited mobility so my BIL has also adapted their home (stair lift, ramps, etc).

My MIL is happy to pay this amount and thinks it is fair.

I would avoid trying to buy in retirement sheltered / assisted living if you can
1- they are only good for that are moderately independent and don’t have complex needs

if there is serious care needs like dementia/ Alzheimer’s then a lot of the help goes out the window and some places have asked people to leave

someone posted about this a few months ago

They are a bitch to sell - and you often have to sell at huge loss

you will have to pay service charges / maintenance charges council tax while trying to sell somethin that only a tiny percent of the population want

If she has been diagnosed with dementia she is no longer understanding the value of money. Tbh the best thing would be to look at supported living accommodation for her where they would provide a certain amount of care hours a day. Or if you feel she is getting beyond that stage look in to nursing homes.
Yes, it comes at a cost as she will have to self fund from the proceeds of her sold property. Possibly is this the reason you have not gone down this route already?

Do you know what her income is and whether she can afford to pay you more? it sounds like she could be claiming attendance allowance - is she? If so then you or your wife could potentially claim carer's allowance.

What does it actually cost you to have her living with you?

Id be getting in some brochures for local care homes

I gthink the cost she'd pay without you is actually irrelevant. What's relevant is a) what she can afford to pay and b) what is reasonable for you to be compensated for the cost of having her with you.

So, assuming she has at least a decent pension and/or assets, then yes, £400 is ridiculous and it's reasonable for you and your DP to feel frustrated that she is adding quite a lot of financial, emotional and practical burden to you, without any sort of compensation. For example, if she was paying £700 ,the time you're spending taking her to appointments etc is time that perhaps you'd usually be doing cleaning or other chores which could now be outsourced to make life easier for everyone.

What’s her monthly income?

Personally I wouldn’t charge my DM more than a nominal amount to live with me, but that’s my own view. My DF only lived for 3 years following a dementia diagnosis, so she may not have long left sadly.

If she had an early dementia dx and is finding it hard to cook herself a meal etc, you could probably get Attendance Allowance, which is not means tested. She may find it easier to then hand this over to you.

Has your DP gone through her money with her? Shown her just how much she has in the bank now she has sold her house? And how much interest she is making by having it in a high interest account. Likewise how much she spent on energy in her own house, plus insurance, CT etc.

Another way to look at it could be that the less she pays over to you now, the more that will be left (presumably) to your DP in her Will. Though obviously there are a lot of ‘what ifs’ in that presumption.

You are very much not unreasonable in asking £600 pcm (and it is none of her business to even know, let alone comment, on arrangements with her granddaughter) but personally I would not want to go straight to threatening a family member with dementia with ultimatums over eviction, or create an irreparable rift between mum and Dd if it can be avoided.

Could you up DSD rent? You could then pay it back into a savings account in her name. Or ask her to put £300 into your account and £300 into another account, so that you can truthfully tell MIL that she is paying £600.

Maybe it would just be easier to lie and say the daughter is paying more now and she has to match it.

Uncalled for and unpleasant.

Why are people saying they should charge DSD more?! She’s saving up to move out. MIL is never going anywhere and she’s requiring a massive amount of support. The ridiculous comparison alone would have me insisting she coughs up and now.

Was this meant to be a permanent arrangement? She needs a full time career by the sounds of it. Who’s going to do that if you 3 all work? I echo pricing up sheltered/warden controlled accommodation and taking her round. Many places also offer activities which would be great for her.

One way to approach this would be to charge your stepdaughter more, with the agreement that part of her contribution is automatically put aside for her as savings for a future deposit.

Then up your MIL's contribution to the same amount. I feel for you- caught in the in between position of supporting both generations and effectively subsidising both of them.

What are the long term plans?
MIL is not going to become more able. Had you decided that this is her home for the rest of her life, or was it a stop-gap? Had you envisaged becoming carers at some point?
The cost of her 'rent' is the tip of the iceberg, I would be more concerned about how the future is to pan out.
Presumably she still has the money from her sale, so could purchase sheltered accomodation?

Your MIL is getting a bargain. I wouldn't take on what you have taken on for ten times what she is paying.