Contributions from (pensioner) MIL to household

I’d be finding out about assisted living in your area and tell her as she’s not living up to the agreement, it is no longer witching for both of you and by the way, what DSD contributes is not part of the equation nor part of the agreement made between yourself, your partner and her mother.

tell her you’ll be taking her to view these places in such and such date. Then it will be up to her to either take a space at one of these places within the next two months or she can stick to the agreement and increase her contributions to the household. Her choice but only between these two choices - move out or increase contributions.

if she doesn’t choose, go on strike as regards taking her places etc. give her the number if local taxi firm. Don’t do her laundry. She’ll soon see the error of her ways

They aren't a business, they aren't trained, they aren't being inspected by CQC. If you can't understand the difference between needing to be in a dementia care home and living with family I guess you won't get it.

For comparison, my friend (with dementia) went into a care home, £1850 per week! I think you are selling yourselves very short.
Good luck, remember to look after yourselves, caring is very hard work.

Jesus people are weird. I think you are being very reasonable @PaterPower. People who say it’s not your business or your overstepping are plain weird. You are doing the caring of running around and making sure your MIL is ok. That gives you every right to an opinion. My father had dementia and my poor mum had the lion share of caring duties. It almost killed her, I did all the appointments as she couldn’t drive. I was lucky I was working p/t and had flexibility in my job.
my DP did the 3am picking my dad off the floor caring as neither myself nor my mum could do that. He would also sit with my dad so I could take mum to appointments or to get a break. So he very much got a say in the discussions we had about possibly moving them both in with us. We had to consider the financial impact of that as there is additional costs and we aren’t sitting on a huge pot of savings but go pay check to pay check like a lot of people.
I personally think what you are doing is wonderful and you don’t deserve the nastier comments. You should absolutely make sure that you aren’t out of pocket for doing something that has made your MIL’s quality of life better while massively impacting your life.

I think you’ve had it harsh @PaterPower i absolutely think you need to up her contribution but don’t think £600 is reasonable. Nearer £1k would be reasonable for her accommodation/all bills/food/care etc. and that’s still massively discounted. Don’t undersell your value. It’s not about what savings she has or what is left for her monthly. It’s what you are currently doing for her that needs remunerated.

I'm sorry you've been getting some really nasty responses. You and your partner sound like really lovely, caring people and your MIL is lucky to have you. It must be hard to work so hard looking after someone and then feel unappreciated and taken advantage of. I don't think you're trying to make money off her, and that the details regarding how much you do for her are just to add more context to the situation. Paying what was already agreed as a contribution to a household that love and care for you is just basic fairness in my opinion. I would be so grateful to be so looked after like that in a time of need. Good luck going forward with this.

It sounds like this is the kind of care and living accommodation she'd need if she wasn't living with her daughter. Costs might vary somewhat around the country so it might not be exact but even paying the proposed £600pm to live with her daughter this lady is getting an absolute bargain.

@PaterPower given how difficult it is to get this increase in place you may be better increasing it to £750 or £800 so that you don't need to increase it again for several years. Energy costs are going up in October and as she ages she is going to need her room warmer and warmer plus her care needs are likely to increase slightly each year. If you only increase it to £600 then in a year you might be feeling it's not enough whereas if you make it higher now than you might not need to have the conversation again for three years or more.

Last line of the first post: he's looking to up it to £600 p m. Nothing like the £1,000 plus a WEEK that care homes cost.

Look up local care homes and have some brochures delivered to her in her own name. Tell her she has 2 choices, up her contribution or start viewing the care homes

She agreed that her contribution would go up when her house was sold and now she's backtracking. And how mean-spirited and miserly to be comparing her contribution to that of her granddaughter? Not to mention the ingratitude towards you and her own daughter. Don't let her gaslight you about what 'fairness' actually looks like. She pays more - AS AGREED - or she can find a care home.

OP if you charge her care home rates and considerably reduced her savings, the local authority may in the future question the validity of this approach. You can't just charge older relatives care home fees rates.
It may be that if you have to approach your local authority in the future for help for your MIL, they will take into account the sum in total that you've charged her. They could ask you and DP to pay towards your MIL care fees, to make up the difference.
I suggest you get some advice from a solicitor on the care homes/ elderly care panel.
There's no arguing with the local authority if they decide you've taken too much from your MIL.

To rent a room where I live is around £800/£900 a month with bill but no food, lifts or extras

I know I'm talking about almost 30yrs ago, but my mil lived with us and she only contributed £10/week, which didn't even cover her food!
What was worse was that she had a boyfriend who arrived at our house at 4pm and left at 10am the following morning every single day.
He expected to be fed, watered and waited on, but never ever put his hand in his pocket to contribute, and when questioned about who he expected to pay for his food and endless cups of tea, he said that my mil paid more than enough to us to cover what he ate!
At that time, our weekly grocery bill for the 4 of us adults and my 2dc (aged 8 &1) was somewhere in the region of £100, so the mil's £10 didn't even cover ¼ of their share (I'm basing this on 2dc=1a, therefore, dividing groceries between 5 adults).
On one occasion, he offered to re-felt our shed roof and I thought he was doing it as a kind gesture in lieu of the food he ate. So I went out and purchased all the necessary materials and left him to do the job whilst i was doing jobs in the kitchen and keeping an eye on him.
Two days later, he presented me with a bill, not only for his time (which was greatly exaggerated, the job took him less than 2hrs and he was trying to charge for 7hrs), AND he had the nerve to add on the cost of the materials that I'd been out and bought/paid for myself. Needless to say, I told him what a cf he was, especially as I had the receipt for said materials with my credit card details on, and said that he get nothing for doing the job as he'd already had 7 breakfasts, 7 evening meals, at least 50 mugs of tea and countless biscuits each week for the past 4 years, and if he expected me to pay him for the couple of hours (max) it took him do the shed roof, then he could expect a bill for all the aforementioned sustenance!
He really was a massive CF and my mil wasn't much better. So, not long after this incident, we kicked them both out to, and sent them to go and live 2 miles down the road in HIS massive empty house!

My aunt lives in an assisted living facility- she has a lovely private flat- bedroom, bathroom, living room and kitchen plus help when she needs it (4x a day) + extras. The care is there on a 24 hour basis.

In the 4 x 1/2 hours (£18 per half hour = £72 a day) They :
Help her shower and dress and make her breakfast and make her bed
Make her lunch
Make her a snack at teatime
Help her get ready for bed
Dispense her medication
Do anything else she requires

In addition they (3hrs x £36= £108 a week) :
Do all her laundry and change her bed
Do her shopping
Do her housework once a week (and small clean ups of kitchen and bathroom and bins while they are there daily)
She has a button round her neck and they come immediately if she needs help

Her rent (inc service charges for building )is £220 a week
Her personal care is £72 a day = £504 a week
Laundry/shopping etc = £108 a week

Total = £832 a week, plus council tax, gas and electricity, home insurance and food.
So approx £1000 a week.

Horrible room in unpleasant residential home was costing her £1650 a week.

Your MIL is getting an absolute bargain. I don't know how much privacy she has but overall it is a very good deal.

🤣🤣🤣

yes, MIL are excellent at making decisions that impact their child partner well knowing their child won’t « push the issue ».

I would trade only through your dp and carefuly. Either she talk to her mom or her mom needs to move out as you do not want her there anymore.

Is she measuring what is done for your stepdaughter against what is done for her?
Do they both get bed linen changed, meals cooked for them, some admin stuff done & some lifts?
if she knows what your stepdaughter pays in housekeeping does she also know what she earns?

Rather than causing an argument can you maybe say to her that you would/are charging daughter say 700 and explain that daughter is showing you that she is saving that monthly. You are showing trust to your daughter by allowing her to be responsible for the saving for a deposit rather than handing most of it back to her when she does find a house (as many parents do)

This way you can show some equity to their situations without causing a rammy. Just an idea

Sad to read all this! Writing down to costs and showing to her what it would cost if she had care. Thank God in our culture we look after our elders no matter what. That's her mom, who brought her up , gave her care and shelter and now it's her turn

Much sympathy for your situation. Well done with what you have done so far. Your MIL may no longer have logic to see the facts. If my children end up caring for me, I do not want them to suffer financially as well as the mental and physical drain I would be on them.

When mil dies who will inherit the money she has from the house sale etc? My guess is her dd!!

And those of us who love our adult kids do not want to be a burden to them any more than is necessary. I'm getting to the age where the stage of needing support might not be far away. And if my kids want to provide it, the least I'd want to do is make sure that they don't lose financially. Far from it, I'd want to be very generous.

If I need that care, my financial situation will be similar to OP's MIL's and I'll be taking the chance to help my kids, while they help me.

I find it appalling that someone in my position would renege on an agreement to make a fair financial contribution to the bills. Just because we're older doesn't mean we should take financial advantage of our children.

Hi OP,

I hope if/when I'm an older lady in this situation and I'm living with my DC that I'll be giving them every penny I can.

I think in this instance you should look at the additional costs incurred

So utilities, food, taxi service and then add something small in for the admin/time

Ignore any expense you would have had anyway (mortgage, council tax, broadband, subscriptions)

If you've lost income due to her using the room then consider that perhaps.

Then use the additional costs only to set a rent amount.

I think the fairest thing to do is only ask for the extra costs plus a little bit.

Remember energy costs rising soon.

I wholly agree that we should respect and care for our parents who did so much for us in childhood. Those that love their family uphold this.

Looking after a child who progressively becomes independent, is very different from taking care of an elderly person in the early stages of dementia and with physical limitations. The latter is only going to need more and more of much more stressful and difficult care.