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Original poster

Will poor relationship with SIL evaporate as PIL get older?

34 replies

NoddyNameChanger · 19/08/2024 12:48

Honestly, I feel shit writing this, but I just can’t stand my SIL any longer and I need to hear from others that this dynamic is going to change at some point.

Briefly: SIL favourite, DH very little relationship with PIL. FIL massively favours SIL. He hates me, SIL hates me. MIL would be OK if on own, but won’t do anything to upset her. SIL same age as me (50’s FFS), in LTR (she doesn’t get on with his family). SIL is on some power trip and thinks she is head matriarch of the family, now her mum is older. I am 50, have grown DC, may be a GM soon, and she dictates what goes on in the wider family. If you go against it (which I do) she’ll bitch and moan to PIL and there will be consequence's. Every special occasion is dictated to by her. E.g. DH wants parents to come Christmas Day, they say they’ll let us know as not sure what she’s doing. Then say yes to us, but cancel day before as she’s now free.

So, as I said, she is on some kind of power trip. We fell out a while ago as she suddenly took over her mums role of dictator, and when I just laughed and said no, we aren’t doing that, I was rounded on, and they didn’t speak to me for months (which I really enjoyed). My SIL seems to want to create a pecking order in the family, with her and her mum at the top, my kids in the middle, and me at the bottom. They’ve tried to get me down over the years, in my place, but failed.

I just don’t see how this power trip is sustainable though. Her sole power is her parents favouritism and having them in her corner. PIL are 80’s and actually not in great health. By the way, she’s told DH there’s no way she’s looking after them. Nice!

How’s this going to play out in the future? My DH doesn’t go up against her as he wants a peaceful life with PIL, but once they are no longer here he won’t be so passive. I’ll not need to worry about keeping the peace with PIL, and not take her crap, and my DC have no cousins or anything, and don’t like her that much, so no one to worry about offending.

I’m just interested to hear from others who have got tricky SIL’s and how it’s panned out in later years.

Honestly, I’ve gone very LC with her, but she’s still massively interfering in our lives from afar!!! Christmas is not too far ahead (sorry) and I’ll have to witness my DH waiting patiently to be thrown a fish.

AIBU to not wanting her interference in my life?

OP posts:
tailofthecock · 19/08/2024 13:29

It must be upsetting for your DH to have asked his parents for xmas day, for them to say yes, and then cancel the day before i.e. xmas eve?! Who the hell does that?! (Even if it were my own parents that did that, in favour of a sibling, it'd be the last time I'd invite them for xmas!) So in this scenario, I can understand your DH being upset but that is for him to sort out. If this upsets him to the point where he gets anxious, he really needs to talk to his parents about it.

It would appear that SiL is deemed to be queen bee of the family and all must adhere to her demands...well, no. They don't. And you saying 'no' to things is fine.

If something gets organised that doesn't suit your plans as a family, the answer is 'ah, thank you for the invite but we won't be able to make it'. on repeat.

MintyNew · 19/08/2024 13:17

Sorry but your dh getting upset is really something for him to manage. You can support him without letting it get to you.

cromwell44 · 19/08/2024 13:15

Surely your SIL and PILs having so say or anything to do with what you and your family so. Just ignore them. You have your own tribe of DCs and their partners so why worry about the ILs? Support your DH in not getting drawn in to their nonsense. He's got you and his DCs too and might need help rejecting the established patterns of behaviour with his family.
Leave them to it and don't ask for or expect any 'fish' to be thrown. Sounds like they'd be smelly fish anyway.

Sicario · 19/08/2024 13:14

pleaser not pleasure!

Sicario · 19/08/2024 13:13

Extract yourself. Remove all his family phone numbers from your phone and block them all. Carry on with your life and don't give them any head space.

However - your DH is the one with the problem, not you.

He is stuck in the FOG (Fear Obligation and Guilt) and is mistakenly thinking he can keep the peace by being a people-pleasure and allowing himself to be dragged into your SIL's love for drama and "power play".

He is on a hiding to nothing and might want to think about counselling to help him unpick this unhealthy relationship with his family dynamic.

Continue to say No very clearly to anything you don't want to do. If your DH has an issue with that, then he can go on his own.

Your SIL can go whistle. As you already know, she has absolutely zero "power" or influence over your life.

Knittedfairies2 · 19/08/2024 13:10

She only has the power you give her, so just drop the rope and don't play her games. The relationship may change over time, but not necessarily for the better. Stop giving her headspace and follow your own star.

Original poster
NoddyNameChanger · 19/08/2024 13:06

Consequences are; not speaking to us for months. I don’t care, my DC wouldn’t give a toss, but my DH gets upset and anxious about it. I feel sorry for him. The women in his family are awful.

SIL has no DC, and her latest LTR is in trouble, that’s why she’s so invested in PIL and what my family are doing.

I’ve 5 adults in my house. Pretty soon it might be double this with spouses and DGC. I just don’t see how what we do, has fuck all to do with her.

I don’t want to speak to her, hear about her, or be in the same room as her.

I get to hear about it via DH and PIL. It’s all “SiL said this about……” or my favourite, “ well, SIL won’t be happy about that”.

OP posts:
MintyNew · 19/08/2024 12:58

Honestly take a step back. You are 50years old. She doesn't have power, it's only what you give her. You're speaking about a 50yo and 80yo, what on earth can they possibly do to affect your life so much.

Just don't invite PIL over for special occasions- why give them the opportunity to disappoint and openly let you know how second your family is.

What are the consequences that a 50yo can exert over you? Are you going to be in trouble with the 80yo?

We don't have contact with some very close family members. I couldn't care less about cousin relationships, keeping the peace, dancing around other people and allowing people to treat me badly.
My family health (mental and peace) is far greater than any relationship with people.

Thunderboltandlightningveryveryfrightening · 19/08/2024 12:58

How do you hear about gbsi stuff she does /says? Block her number. Dh can deal with her. Tell him you don't want her name mentioned in your home. We did this about mil before dh went nc for good with her. Much better atmosphere and less stress in your relationship.. In the past I have had a sil. We never got on. No words or nastiness ever spoken we just didn't figure in each other's lives whatsoever..