secretive about "good" A level grades to family.

@CurlyhairedAssassin but that's not your information to share!!

Maybe I'm odd, but I often tell my mum or sister if DH has done something good at work, eg got a bonus because of a fantastic appraisal. It just comes naturally to me to give details when they ask "How is DH? Got a lot on at work?" Rather than just say a boring "Yeah, something like that" which just shuts the conversation down, I'd continue the conversation by saying "Yeah, he's been working really long hours on this project/learning this new skill. It's paying off though as he's just had his appraisal and got Exceeding which means he gets a bit of extra money in his paypacket at Christmas, which is nice for him." It's just friendly chit chat to me. I'll always say if he's pissed off with work too. Neither of them have to be in great detail, do they, but it's just a close family having a conversation about their family member's life and wellbeing to me. I'd also talk about my own work in the same way, when asked.

I get where you are coming from. You feel a bit insulted as they are essentially saying that you can’t be trusted not to judge the child or share the information more widely. You on the other hand are used to families sharing this level of detail because they trust each other.

I don’t think most of the responses on here are representative of society as a whole, but it’s their choice and it is a legitimate, if minority, one.

We said nothing other than DS got what was required to move on to his next chosen stage.

Partly because we had other family getting results at the same time and didn't want to brag! Surely it's enough to know that they can do what they want to with what they've got, grades are just not that important to anyone but the person who took the exam.

My DD did really well last week and, with her permission, I shared a photo with my small FB account of family friends just to ‘enjoying a well deserved celebratory lunch - on to X course in September’. It was enough.

I've never really thought about it, but our 'system' is that I tell friends/family that the kids passed history or whatever, and it's for the child themselves to share the grade if they want to.

I wouldn't ask someone what their specific grades were even close family. I'd ask if they were happy with their results and if they had got what they needed. If they volunteered the information, I'd be interested, but I'd also get that there may some disappointment there that they don't want to share.

I didn't tell anyone but my parents what I got, just that I had got into uni. I was happy with my grades, I got AAB and was pleased.

However I got way above my offer to get into uni, so I didn't want to be asked why I didn't take a gap year and go to a "better" uni

What kind of nasty individuals do you have in your extended family who practice such horrible one upmanship? Can't everyone just all be happy for all the kids in the family, whatever they get? And who gives a damn, anyway, if your child got a grade higher in a couple of subjects? It means very little really, there could only be a few marks between those grades - no-one asks what marks they got! And anyway, the higher grades don't necessarily guarantee you a more successful career or wealthier life.

I'm curious as to how it caused a rift - what did they do? It's a shame if you liked these people before that happened, and vice versa. Imagine how silly it will all seem in 10 years' time at parties, once those young people are in a job. Avoiding each other because a long time ago, one of the young people got some higher grades than the other. The young people themselves probably wouldn't even remember the details!

I don’t think it’s weird not to reveal the exact grades. Could be all sorts of good reasons.

Not aimed at you, StormingNorman but that's a good point.

Hopefully you/whoever will just have to go on thinking what you like without the verification. I'm not at all surprised that people don't want to share - I wouldn't either. The default is always this, no matter how people try to hide it:

Grades not as good - faux sympathy but hidden delight
Grades really good - faux congrats but hidden gnashing of teeth

You don't need to know. Nobody needs to know other than the people concerned and saying that 'it makes me feel closer to family' is your problem, not theirs. If you want to share the results of your car MOT/smear tests/husband's late nights in the office then knock yourself out - you don't get to decide for other people what they ought to be sharing with you.

Using 'but Family!' as a lever to get what you want is pathetic.

I got top grades and still wouldn’t share with anyone outside immediate family. I think it’s entirely her choice so I can understand why you’re surprised but I think you’re a bit unreasonable.

Yes, from a personal point of view I also had a couple of Exceptionally Brainy Cousins who were much lauded in our family but who due to their work ethics significantly underperformed in exams - both GCSE and A Level. I always felt bad for them that their underperformance was publicly known and talked about, and so it meant that when I got my (better) results after they did I was a bit embarrassed to share them and also didn't want mine to be scrutinised. Fortunately it didn't cause any rifts, but the discussions about results always felt a bit intrusive to me.

I find it refreshingly healthy that in the age of social media over-sharing a young person chooses not to share absolutely everything. Their wishes should be respected.

It’s odd behaviour.

I completely understand. Some of our students last week didn't tell their friends their grades. Usually this was because they didn't get the grades they wanted. You'd be surprised how many of them were disappointed with their grades even if they had missed their entry requirements by one/two and their firm choice university had taken them anyway. Perhaps that applies to your DN.

I know that you have no judgement but exams, results, university debt, peer pressure and so on are exceptionally "high stakes" for young people now, so if she's not met her own high standards, I understand why she wouldn't want to publicise it, even to family.

It's very strange not to share with a aunt with who you have a close relationship.

More likely that niece does not consider their relationship as close as OP does, which may be the real reason that OP is miffed.

I chat with my sister from time to time about school stuff and how they're doing in each subject and that has included university applications and the grades they need (we have similar aged children). So obviously I would find it really odd if there was some secrecy on results day in our family.

Actually I'd find it odd in most families not to say what grades they got. It's all depends what the individual needs anyway. I suppose a parent could say when asked "Yeah, she got what she needed, thanks" but you also might have their sibling interested in what grades you need for particular courses or unis, for their own children's applications, so they might want to ask.

On social media there's absolutely need to put any grades. It's enough to state that the young person that all their hard work paid off, they what they needed,and will be going to X uni to study Y and are very happy and parents very proud etc. If such a post doesn't appear, then people will assume that if there are no posts on social media on results day that things have gone a bit tits up, but a plan will be forthcoming, and won't ask any more about it. If they do, fuck 'em.

We have exactly this problem in our family. We are keeping our kid's results secret.

For a close auntie - yes I find this strange.

@wheresmymillionaire Being "...a details person", as you describe yourself, is all very well ‐you share away when it comes to your own details. Over-sharing falls into this category. But for many, just sensing that someone really wants to access the details of their lives, is a massive turn-off.
We don't get closer through enmeshing ourselves in each other's lives through the minutiae of 'details'; we gain trust and closeness paradoxically through allowing each other space and privacy. In my book, at least.

In my view its more healthy rather than this bragging everywhere on SM that happens and just is damaging to all - if grades not good enough, a bit of a fluke etc etc some cruel things are said and opens up quite young people still to this whole braggy culture that is just unnecessary

But that’s because they standardise the results and adjust the boundaries to make it fair and equal every year. Otherwise if you had an easy paper one year or harder one the next you could be disadvantaged.

OP - I think the conclusion to draw is that your DN just doesn't want the grades shared and her parents are following her wishes.
I would have done/do the same if either of mine made that request to even though the norm is to share stuff like that in our family.
Nothing to read into it, she just wants to keep it to herself

I would like to think that if your child did not want to share that information you would respect that even if it caused you some drama.
You should advocate for your child in the face of your Mothers unreasonableness as many of us have. Good opportunity to show your children that its ok to say no to people even if they have a tantrum over it