secretive about "good" A level grades to family.

Don't be ridiculous. It was a congratulatory gift, not a payment for info.

I’ve learned that in conversation with most people, it’s best to simply say that your DC is really pleased/quite pleased and if you know, what they’re doing next. Further detail isn’t needed by most people. And people might see good results as bragging.

I also dont ask the details of others, just say I hope they were pleased.

But I do have a group of very close friends with kids of the same age and we do share the details…..regardless of if it’s good or bad. We are close friends though.

It’s a funny thing, because people can be very nosy about it. My DC say it’s all older people asked them about before results and after for months. People who were almost strangers wanted to know what they’d got. Especially if they are a bit sensitive about it, it really is private info that they shouldn’t feel obliged to share….and people should be wary of asking details about. If someone volunteers the info, that’s fine.

My parents also used to ask to see the kids’ school reports. But I didn’t show them - I felt it was unnecessary and their response wouldn’t be helpful - I know as I saw them respond to some of my nephews and nieces reports - commenting that X was pleasing but Y clearly needed some work etc. They weren’t sensitive enough to just be encouraging. They would also compare the cousins and say X used to be better at whatever ir X had done better or worse. I don’t think they intended to be hurtful but we’re lacking in awareness of how their responses would make the kids feel. And they never seemed to have any appreciation that people might have different abilities and it wasn’t all just down to effort.

Telling their aunt isn’t exactly “broadcasting” it is it though? How odd!

DD got her results on Thursday too - lower than anticipated but still going to her 2nd choice uni so worked out in the end. However as far as I'm concerned they're her results and she can share the actual grades with whoever she wants and if she chooses not to then that's her decision. I'm proud of her regardless and she knows it - if anyone was overly invested in the grades rather than whether DD is happy with the outcome I'd say that was their issue rather than hers and not really as supportive as they may think

Not saying this is the case with you OP but with one of my sister's when she talks of wanting to be close what she actualy wants and enjoys is hearing bad news. So none of us tell her anything good or bad.

My sister never tired of telling us how clever her daughter was - "Being moved up a year", "She knows more than the teachers" etc etc
The very least I was expecting was to be the high school Dux and have 5 As in her highers. When the results arrived she was very cagey and then mumbled that she'd got an A and some other stuff.

I just don't get why people do that and then they're made to look foolish.

In my family it led to my parent and their sibling not speaking for a couple of decades. The rhetoric was that cousin was Very Clever. Headed for uni etc. We were mediocre. Noone had any aspirations for us other than getting a job in a nice shop and finding a nice husband with a good job.
The way results went, that was upended. Noone was celebrating my results. In fact my cousin's parents didn't believe my parent when they told them. My parent was so under their control that they then told me I couldn't possibly have got those results. They finally believed the head of sixth form when they phoned to ask why I'd not gone to confirm A-level subjects the day after results.
Every achievement since then has been greeted with disbelief. Including my own parents calling me an evil liar.
So that sort of nasty, narcissistic person.
I'm now completely estranged from the whole lot of them.

And when you think about it, who really cares anyway? Only the bitches will use the information for one upmanship. And when you start to suss out who the bitches are in your life, you can start to distance yourself from them and your life will be all the more pleasant for it.

The nice people will use it as an opportunity to chat with the young person about the subjects they did well in and ask them more about it, giving them confidence, or empathise with them if they didn't do so well in a subject, or about how they didn't get the grade they wanted in X subject, but changed their mind about studying it further anyway and don't regret it and did well anyway (also giving the young person a boost of reassurance).

I just don't think it's healthy to say nothing when asked as it becomes overdramatic, like a shameful secret, and it just isn't!

Then again I don't see the fuss about gender reveals and that sort of thing either. It's of no consequence whether your baby is a boy or a girl really.

I don't think it is over sharing to say what grade your child got - in most families it would be normal. However if someone chooses not to say, this should always be respected of course.

We chose to not divulge specific grades, it's no one business. Some close members desperate to know, over shared their own child's grades and was raging that I didn't comment , want to know more. Sent congratulatory message to child but parent so nosy.

Do you have form for wanting to know other people’s business whether they like it or not, OP?

Perhaps you’ve been put on an “information diet” in an effort for others to be allowed boundaries or privacy.

If someone was close enough for me to talk about such details and they asked me how much it was, I'd just tell them! 😄(ie. my mum and sister). People in my extended family who are not as close to me/I don't see that often, wouldn't ask. And if they did it's easy enough to give a throwaway answer like "enough to order what we'd like from M and S this Christmas" and laugh.

If it was a less than satisfactory appraisal,? That's quite unusual in any workplace - it would have been obvious before then that it wasn't going to be good and I would already have had that conversation about work not going well with the person I was having the conversation with, so my answer would be "he's ok - a bit pissed off at his appraisal, he expected better but remember I told you about that fella on the other team and they don't get on? " etc etc....

I guess it does depend how close you are. I wouldn't talk like this to everyone in my extended family if I didn't see them often. There's no point.

These kind of family dynamic threads are always very educational as it makes you realise about the totally different "non-sharing" dyanamics in other families. Makes me very grateful for the members of my family who I can share things with.

I didn’t share my degree grade with many people. I was happy with it and that was all that mattered. I knew one family member would compare me/judge me in comparison to my cousins and so didn’t tell anyone at all bc I didn’t want her to find out and make comparisons. Been nearly a decade and still never heard her compare my grade to anyone else’s (in a good or bad way) so it worked 😂

Everyone saying OP should respect her privacy like she's asking her to send nudes!

Its

My DD had 11A for her GCSEs and AAAA* for A levels, but none of her friends know that as she feels like it would be boasting to say. If anyone asks she says she did well and was very happy. If anyone asks me directly I’ll say but I wouldn’t advertise it. I have friends with children in the same year so I want to avoid any sort of one up man ship.

@CurlyhairedAssassin quote from my reply above: I was the A* student in my family. It definitely caused a rift between my dad and his siblings when my cousins did not do as well. Certain family members started picking on me for being fat (I really wasn't) and not sporty enough to put me down, while praising my cousins who excelled at sports.

My grandma felt bad for my cousins so they got extra treats and more attention.

And actually it did get worse over the years as I went on to a great uni, be successful career wise while my cousins didn't do as well.

So when it comes to my DS, I will definitely think twice before sharing.

These are public exams, the results are a matter of public record

My best friend still hasn't told her parents her a level results....it's been 16 years!
They know she did ok based on jobs she has been able to start. She made the decision to take an alternative path and not go to university and this was behind her being quiet at the time.
No one has to share anything with you that they don't want to

I know someone who over the years consistently posted on social media grades of both her DC for the primary school they got into, 11+ scores, GCSE's (photo of the straight 9's grade letter for the 2nd DC) and first child's A'level grades and First Class Honours Degree - even educated the 'Dear Reader' on the ranking of the Russell Group Uni they got it from. When it came to A level results for second DC there was nothing, nada, absolutely nothing, no well done or congratulations, nothing. My DC knows that they didnt get their first choice Uni so drawing their own conclusion thought they didn't do so well but I really don't care, but I wonder if they do?? I am hoping that they told their mum that it was classless and embarrassing to do so and to stop. She is also someone who posts when she is in a dentist waiting room so nothing is sacred. I am extremely proud of my DC but I wouldn't dream of posting on their behalf what their results were, good or bad, its not my information to tell. Similarly I wouldn't tell our family unless DC wanted to themselves which is their call. Too much pressure as it is these days.

Her grades are nobody’s business but hers. Perhaps she didn’t do as well as she had hoped and doesn’t want to be judged or just simply doesn’t want to tell others as she is disappointed in herself.

Nobody has a right to know anything about another person's life, family or not. I hate the pressure of everyone wanting to know my buisness. I run my life keeping things my goals and achievements to myself now. I’m much happier without nosey buggers, because they don’t even know what I’m doing, so can’t ask 🤣

How do you get close and gain trust, though, if you only know the bare minimum of details about them? The same level of details that the postman, or the woman next door?

We have relatives on DH's side of the family who are so secretive about everything. I have no idea why but it means we just are all not close at all, because we know nothing about their lives! So chatting to them is like doing small talk with a stranger at a party. A generic, surface conversation. It's all meaningless without details.

My friends and family are very discreet. We all say well done if someone posts "they got what they needed" but are mindful others may not have got the grades they wanted, so the actual results are not shared.

CurlyHairedAssassin, all of that sounds fine to me but how would you respond to questions about HOW MUCH bonus your husband was getting? Or, if less than satisfactory at his appraisal - what did he do wrong?

In some families, general chit-chat is not deemed interesting, it's the nitty-gritty that allows and informs judgement so that is why I'm buttoned up. I totally understand that it's different in other families.

What OP wants is the equivalent of wanting to know exactly what marks DH had got for each element of his appraisal and exactly what the pay rise was.

She knows that niece is happy with the results and that family is proud; the rest is the "great detail" that you don't see the need for.