secretive about "good" A level grades to family.

It reminds me of when I was on Facebook and people would write a cryptic post, cue everyone asking if they were alright. And they would reply to the chosen few 'I've inboxed you'

If you don't want to talk about an event in your life then literally don't . Don't act like it's some big secret that only a special few can access.

Of course you should still hand it over! It's the end of 2 years of work. The results themselves and the certificates are the reward for the actual achievement. Any presents and cards from relatives are for the effort, and can act as a celebration or commiseration. Who'd be so mean as to withhold that from a young person just because they don't know whether to hand it over with a "congratulations!" or not? A kind person hands it over with "Well done for getting through your A-levels, DN! Here's a little something to help you with whatever you're doing with the next stage of your life."

I can understand it. I have one friend who is constantly telling me what her kids results are then demands to know what my kids got (same age) I'm not interested in comparing her kids with mine I refuse to be drawn into competitive parenting.
My dad's partner is the same, wanting to compare her grandchildren with my dc's. I can't be doing with it. I'm happy for any child that does well, comparing then against each other isn't of any benefit.

I don't be telling anyone my DS's GCSE results. It's up to him. They are his results not mine. Just that he has ( hopefully) got what he needed to get to the next stage. I love my family but they don't need to know the exact results. Why would they? My DM and my dbro don't have a clue about the grading system so it will be meaningless.

My sister is the type of person who wants to know all your business but is very vague and non- commital about hers.

No. They are not. Don't be ridiculous.

I haven’t told anyone my son’s grades as it’s his information to share, not mine. I got his permission to tell his Dad. If someone asks me his grades, I advise them to ask him directly.

I don't know why grandparents do that - treat grandchildren differently. It doesn't matter how well or how badly they do in exams, they should just all get the same, otherwise it leads fo bad feeling. Why would a grandparent want to create bad feeling amongst her grandchildren?

My DB's family always do this. In their case I think it's because the DCs don't do very well and they don't want to have to admit that.

They could do better if given support for dyslexia and ADHD, didn't live in squalor and had somewhere to study.

Edited: this was supposed to be in response to whoever said it wouldn't be my information to share.

That's your view. It's not mine, and it's not my husband's either. We are supportive of each other whether it's "our" information or not. That includes sharing about when things are not going that great in our lives as well as the good stuff.

I guess we're just quite open people. I'm not bothered about being judged and neither is DH, because the quicker someone judged us the quicker we'd bin them from our lives! We've got through life quite well that way, I like all the people we have around us and vice versa. I don't think I know anyone who is judgemental, because they've been distanced a long time ago!

I’ve also had family who liked to give gifts for exam results….but what was given was determined by the results and only given if the results were shared.

I found this a bit unpleasant. Sometimes there was more than one kid taking exams in the family and some got given more than others as their results were better. Didn’t seem very encouraging. I think one of the family seemed to think that the kids would work harder if they thought they’d get more better results. To be honest they were imagining they had a much bigger impact on the kids than they really did - it became all about them and their largesse and impact, not about celebrating the kids’ success. I wonder if it’s a generational thing….perhaps in the past families felt entitled to know everything about the younger generation in their family and privacy simply wasn’t allowed. But today, many parents are more sensitive to the feelings of their kids and privacy. Perhaos grandparents etc can find this odd as it’s different to what previously happened.

No but even if they got their preferred uni but didn't quite their predicted grades maybe they don't want the kind of aunt who starts a thread on mumsnet about them to be going round saying DN didn't get her predictions on what went wrong? 🤔

Oh good grief, that wasn't a literal comment. It was illustrative of the daftness of needing to know exact results in order to feel closer to family.

But OP doesn't know if DN should be congratulated.

Sure she does, it's there in the OP.
Apparently DN was happy with her recent A level results as she passed them all, and my sister put on FB a pic of them out celebrating the results and how proud they were etc

That really is all she needed to know - her niece is happy with the results and her parents are too.

I wouldn't have handed over a gift in this situation.

Glad the OP isn't as mean as you then! What a weird attitude.

And most aren’t? 🤷‍♀️

Surely you must be aware that some adult sisters might be close enough to confide in one another when something unusual has showed up on a smear test? Maybe asked if they've ever experienced anything like that?

@CurlyhairedAssassin I don't feel as if it's about secrecy necessarily, but rather a quality of connection which isn't about 'information' but feeling?

I've got friends and family members whom I may not see or speak with for a year at a time, but when we do get together, we definitely feel deeply connected, even if ‐weirdly‐ we don't even do much by way of 'catching up', just spend time in each other's company, cooking or going for a walk or whatever. I feel I know everything they need me to know about them and vice versa. I don't get curious about the details of other people's lives, such as their exam results. Maybe that's odd?

I feel I have meaningful and close communication with my family, both immediate and extended, but I think we tend to operate in 'receptive' mode, including with our DC; if someone volunteers something we celebrate, commiserate or support as needed, but if it's not forthcoming, that's also communication and nobody would feel shut out or out of any particular loop. And we're not introverts or Trappist monks, quite the opposite. I have some friends who are much more 'sharey' and I can do that too.

OP, they might be disappointed in their grades. Can you understand that people don’t always like to share disappointing info.

Or that they simply don’t feel very close to you. Sharing grades doesn’t make you closer….you have to get close before this point so they feel they want to share with you, because you have that kind of relationship. Simply being family doesn’t guarantee that closeness ….it needs work. And it’s fine for not everyone to have that closeness. Being family doesn’t entitle you to information people don’t want to share, or wedding invitations or whatever. People have to choose to share and others should respect if they don’t want to. The

Some aunts are competitive judgemental asshats though.

YABU you don't need to know! It's only nosiness for the purposes of comparison

Please explain how knowing the grades will make you closer as a family?
Do you need to know everyone's smear test results in order to facilitate closeness?

“Why can’t I know what grades she got and be proud of her”

Why can’t you not know what grades she got and STILL be proud of her ?

A lot of parents just want to know so they can judge if their own kids have done better that other family/friends kids, just to feel smug.

I can’t believe you even need to ask the question, of course it’s none of your business. Move on and just be happy for her.

You think it’s no big deal for them to just tell you, maybe they don’t see the big deal for you to need to know.

If they want to say, great.
If they don’t, that’s up to them.

They got to the next stage in their journey, Uni.