secretive about "good" A level grades to family.

Agree with this reply.

I mostly agree with the OP.

"They've done very well and we're pleased" could mean anything from "they've done terribly at the whole lot and we're trying to pretend we're not upset" through to "they went up 2 grades in every subject and we're delighted but don't want to sound like we're boasting".

It means it's hard to know how to pitch congratulations for them.

I'm in similar position. My sibling who normally overshares on FB (think paragraphs taken from reports in primary school years), including GCSE results has said precisely nothing about dn's results.

I don't know whether to send a congratulations card or not. I know when sibling didn't do as well as they hoped at O-levels, they hated cards saying "well done" so I don't want to be guilty of causing more upset if that is the case, nor do I want them to think I'm ignoring it because I'm not interested.
Even if they'd just dropped a private message "he got the results he needed, going to Liverpool uni" or whatever then it gives me something to write in a card.

In all honesty, I don't mind what they have got; I do mind if they're upset, and I do mind if I do something that causes them more upset.

To me, it's not a big deal who knows their grades.

But it's not (or shouldn't be) all about what YOU want. Surely what the recipient of the grades wants should factor into who gets told what?

The lassie is a teenager so who can guess what's going on in her teenage brain. Either way, I think it's right that her parents are honouring her feelings on the matter. No-one needs to know her exact grades.

🤣🤣🤣

No they're not.

What planet do you live in where you can find out any person's exam results? Go on, ring up the some exam boards and get your colleagues exam results .. go on, let us know how that goes.

My son asked me mot to share his A level results, as although he did very well, his cousin is less academic, and he didn't want family members to compare them.

What bullshit.

If you want to be proud of her then be proud when she tells you she is happy.

She obviously feels you are unsupportive, judgemental and gossipy and your posts and your supposed need to get to the bottom of her supposed ‘secrecy’ by turning this back on her and disrespecting the boundaries they have set is showing you up in spades. What you should be doing is using it as a wake up call to self reflect it. What else are people not telling you and why not?
Your family obviously have a good measure of you.
.

I haven't shared my daughter's grades with family. They are her grades and up to her who she shares them with.
My sil makes everything a competition that her children always have to win and I wont play the game.

I'm really not. I'm struggling to see that the family's making the grades out to be anything better than 'no worse than good enough'. They don't seem to be lying or exaggerating, they're happy that the girl worked hard enough to be able to do what she wanted to.

My Niece is doing her GCSEs next year and has already done mocks - My only question when she got her mock results was “are you happy?” I have no idea what she got and don’t need to.

Its nothing to do with not caring - I have seen her nearly daily since she was born - and everything to do with ensuring the focus isn’t on a grade but on happiness.

where on earth have you got that from? Where has the op said she’s going to “go around”‘ saying anything.

MN is mad sometimes. We keep perfectly innocuous information highly secret from our own close family. We don’t answer the door. We find people saying good morning to us intrusive. And then we bemoan the lack of community and inclusion in society today. I really do wonder if I live in a parallel universe to a lot of you.

But why do you need to know? It could easily be argued that the nasty family is the one who needs to know the results in order to feel they can be happy for them. Surely the happiness comes from the fact they are happy and as such to anyone other than the person who is getting the results the actual result is irrelevant.

I do t think you will ever understand your adult neices desire for privacy. Out of interest, how much of your personal information do you share? Where is your line?

you have no good reason to know her a level results. She has no good reason to know your salary or savings. Would you be happy to share that information with her?

salary is a reflection of your success - how can she know whether she should be proud of you or not if you don’t Tell her your salary?

You may be supportive but there may be others in their lives who would take shine off results - so if they tell no-one actual results and focus on next steps may just be easier for the teen in question.

I started replying and then realised you’re being g deliberating obtuse.

I told my DS aunt and she attempted to take the shine off it (!) ( see my previous comments)
I could have said DS got 4 a stars and I can bet she would have said she knew of someone having five!
As a parent I get why people don’t tell. Not everyone is nice - even family.

*Very pleased and proud of DN's grades, congrats!"

"Very pleased and proud of DN's grades (AAA), congrats!"

The second looks better to you?*
Or even 'Very pleased and proud...(CCC)". She may have worked her butt off for 2 years to get that. No skin off your nose if she's worked hard and got into University with those grades, and it's no skin off your nose if she struggles with the course. If you think she's a lazy madam or you don't think she deserves the money, don't give it to her. If you want to reward her for doing her best and to do something nice for her, give it to her. Her grades don't matter to anyone but her.

@4andnotcounting 😂
After years of bragging about her daughter, both my children got much better results than her and I just did a little smug inward smile.

"Very pleased and proud of DN's grades, congrats!"

"Very pleased and proud of DN's grades (AAA), congrats!"

The second looks better to you?

Put simply, its none of your business, and to then say this feels like being put at arms length and that youre not close reeks a bit of emotional manipulation

At age 18 your DN has the right to choose what to share (or what not to share) with anybody, and yes that means you darling auntie as much as you might think its all about you, its not.

Do we have the same sister 😂

Speaking from very recent personal experience (A level results) my DS got accepted for his medicine course. Paternal aunt asked what he got - we told them AAA. She replied - “there were people who got straight A*’s.” I asked who - thinking a relative or friend of hers “no, on ticktoc”.
And yes it did make my son feel a bit pants, the fact she felt the need to say that? We are well aware lots of students got straight stars(!).

I informed her my son has had no tuition not even for his ucat (scored 2920 band 1
five weeks practice) , she knows he goes to a deprived state school, has had to deal with a whole heap of rubbish thrown at him from his dad since a young age to date, social care involvement etc to name a few. I did go on and talk about his extra work he has done that is required for a med school that wouldn’t necessarily be required for other degrees students who can solely focus on study - unlike my DS. Etc .

I was cross with myself afterwards for justifying his mere AAA in chem bio maths.

If someone tells me their great news - I congratulate them- not tell them about someone getting better.
Aibu?

There’s quite often a reason they haven’t shared it with you.

do you have a reputation for being judgey; or making remarks, or gossiping?

@CurlyhairedAssassin while I agree with pretty much everything you have said, families are or can be a lot more complicated than that and sometimes you just want to protect your children from it.

You can have a nosy aunt you don't want to cut off entirely because it will affect all other relationships, but also you don't want to give them ammunition to slag off your child.