secretive about "good" A level grades to family.

@DeclansAFeckingDream and @Spirallingdownwards this is not even the weirdest thing I've seen in the last ten minutes on MN!

I agree. And whatever people say about it being about wanting to celebrate with the family member, most of the time it was about one upmanship and boasting.
OP's DN said she was pleased with her results and is going to University. That is the culmination of two ( possibly 4 years including gcses) of extremely hard work, learning new skills and huge amounts of revision. Some kids do all that and get C's and some kids do bugger all and get A's. Their results don't tell you anything about what you should be congratulating her for, which presumably is doing her best and coming through an extremely hard period of study, then moving onto the next step.

Absolutely 100%. It's such an odd thing to start a thread about.

Maybe because the aunt started a whole MN thread about her. Maybe that is why you might think an aunt would be sich a weirdo. 🤷‍♀️🤔😜

This seems to be much more the norm nowadays and I think it‘s great! My curious side would love to know - who knows why as it would make no difference to my life - but I am really glad that it’s normal these days not to share. The most anyone needs to know (for appropriate response) is if the person themselves is happy or not. We don’t know my niece’s results from last year, except that she had to re-sit maths. My daughter has had all sorts of difficulties over the past four years so is unlikely to meet her potential, but I’m glad for her that she won’t feel the pressure to divulge each detail.

There’s nothing ‘secretive’ about fending off a nosy family member.

But why do you need to know her grades to celebrate? You were told she was happy with her results, you congratulated her and gave her a present of money — what would you do differently if you knew she had got CCB as distinct from AAA*?

From what you say about neither your niece or sister ‘being prepared to tell you’ the grades, it sounds as if you asked, which, yes, is nosy. Do you tell your family your exact salary point when you get a new job?

But did they get an ology?
Are they going to be a scientist?

You still haven't explained how knowing her grades will make you feel closer as a family

No. They’re public exams in that they’re set by external, public bodies, but the results are not published. Schools and universities get access but no one else can.

Well I've no idea about your family OP but in our family we are 100% certain we won't be sharing any actual grades with anyone on DH's side of the family, because his experience and his brother's experience growing up was that love and acceptance were directly proportional to and conditional on academic success. Our DC with additional needs and neurodiversity issues will probably not be getting stellar GCSE results and every pointed enquiry of "well how did he do" will be answered with a very imprecise "we're really proud. He worked so hard" because it's absolutely none of their business and I will not have a nasty comment about disappointment be uttered.

On the one hand, yes I understand she feels the need to modify her behaviour like that. On the other, it’s sad she cannot discern the people who will (genuinely!) be happy for her.

I think it's completely reasonable for a teenager to be supported by their parents to choose who to share the specifics of their results with. I would hope any adults important to that teen would respect their decision and be able to prioritise the teen's needs over their own.

Most of my wider family is not into the sharing of the nitty-gritty so none of us expect to be given the grades gained by nieces and nephews. DC1 was delighted with their GCSE results and as the first grandchild on both sides of the family there was no-one for their results to be compared with. Even so, I think the only people who were given any details of grades were those who asked DC1 directly. The nieces and nephews who've taken GCSEs since haven't come away with such high grades but none of my siblings or sisters-in-law know that because they don't know what DC1 got.

The same DC was quite unwell during A-levels and was disappointed with the A* and 2 x C grades they received on results day. Their uni place wasn't affected but DC didn't want anyone to know about their grades. It was only when they realised a grandparent thought their 'I passed everything' comment meant they'd got 3x E that they decided to take a different approach.

On results days I tend to message my siblings or friends with a, 'I hope X gets what they need today' or similar. And I mean it. I want them to know I've remembered and that I care about their child, I don't need details to do that.

My teen is quite private and didn’t want me to share her exact grades. She got her first choice uni place and is very happy as are we. She’s also having one remarked for her own peace of mind as marking seems very off.

I didn’t announce my DD’s grades- just told people that she had passed her A Levels. She was a bit disappointed with her grades- one in particular. I felt it was up to her whether she wanted to tell people her grades or not. She isn’t going to University so that isn’t relevant.

She didn’t do enough work, but without making excuses for her, she had a couple of tough spots during those 2 years including an eating disorder and an ADHD diagnosis (which didn’t come until too late) so I understand why she didn’t meet her potential and am just proud that she finished the courses and passed them, albeit not with stellar grades.

In my various WhatsApp groups (NCT, other Mum friends), I didn’t share the grades but talked generally about the results, and the other Mums were the same- very few announced the specific grades, even though we all knew that some of the kids would have likely got top grades.

Secretive OP?
What about 'not boastful'. What if you don't want to boast that you've got 3x A*.
Or 2 x A* + an A. ?

OP do you experience this black and white thinking in other aspects of your life? Have there been tensions with friends and colleagues when you don’t pick up on or understand boundaries or social queues. When your need to have answers takes over.

you describe yourself as a details person. Your need to have this information seems to override you ability to understand and respect your neices wishes and boundaries.

it’s worth taking some time to sit with this, think about why this is so important to you. Why your
need to be right trumps all else.

Maybe it's me just wanting to feel closer as a family.

Maybe others don't?

I take the view that family is there to support and celebrate with each other within a close unit.

Maybe others don't?

It's nothing to do with comparing people, everyone has different skills and strengths. I just find it sad/odd they don't want to share how she did with close family who would be delighted she has done well and is happy.

Maybe they don't?

I am a details person. I like to know details!

Maybe others aren't and don't?

I don't care who knows what grades my DC got. They both did themselves proud and that's all that matters. To me, it's not a big deal who knows their grades.

Maybe it is to others?

I'll take it from this thread though that I'm being nosy!

Maybe others think you are?

Can't you be proud of her with out knowing the details??

I am a "details" person too! I don't think it is nosy, but my many years on this earth have taught me others can find that intrusive and unsupportive. So when it is their details you need to respect that 100%. If you fish for details too much people who are not details people pick up on that and it makes them uncomfortable.

"I don't care who knows what grades my DC got." It doesn't matter if you care or not, they are not your grades, it is your dc's "details" and you need to respect whether they choose to share or not, whether those grades are good, bad or average. But this sentence illustrates your need to have and share "details", something I have learned to suppress.

Maybe it's me just wanting to feel closer as a family.................I just find it sad/odd they don't want to share how she did with close family" You don't need to know a set of letters to feel closer to your family. You want to feel closer to your niece then spend time with her, talk to her about teenage nonsense, take her on silly days out, have her over for sleepovers, watch chick flicks and do each others nails, (or whatever she is into) and over time if she feels comfortable, feels you are not being intrusive and she has your confidence she might open up to you, it takes being flexible, generous with your time and being a constant through their lives to get close to young family (although I warn you some of the things my niece confides to me can be heartbreaking to hear...)

Are you normally close to her? Do you know about her friends, her interests, her opinions on topical issues, her apirations for the future, what she likes to read and listen to?

Or are you more like my parents who rang up claiming to be very interested in DD's A Levels results who would have no idea about any of the above and haven't actually spoken to her in a year.

if you're genuinely close and she hasn't chosen to share her results, why not ask why?

I thought of that, but I'm not sure it will be taken well if results are bad. Sibling can catastrophise a bit, so if they aren't bad, but not what they wanted, it may be worse at the moment than it actually is iyswim. I might try that in a week or so time.

Currently my plan is to wait until they're off to uni and ask for their address so I can send a "new journey" type card, but if they have got great results, I'd have liked to celebrate that and make them feel special.

When I was at school, many schools used to put the A-level results in the paper!

That's not Public. You may have additional access to verify claimed qualifications through your employment. But that's not the same as publically available results.

well, I do, because of checking applications, That is what is meant by public exams.

Drop them a message and ask if a congrats card is appropriate?