Page 6 | To think that they had no self-awareness? (It's a child-free wedding one)

Daisyoopsies · 2024-08-19T10:03:30+00:00

One of my close relatives got married last year. It was child free but I was breastfeeding. I asked him if husband could bring baby to venue car park so I could breastfeed and then take baby away again during the day (it was in the middle of no-where) so that I could still attend and he said no because it was unfair on other guests. Fair enough. We decided to decline. They've just had a baby and got invite to a child-free wedding and BROUGHT THE BABY ANYWAY and are now appalled that they were asked to leave. Do people have no self-awareness? Do people just not care about things until it affects them?

Winederlust · 19/08/2024 13:14

VictoryCity · 19/08/2024 11:44

It's so tricky though as until you have gone through pregnancy and birth you simply don't understand.

I remember being annoyed at a heavily pregnant friend (not to her face, just a bit grumbly behind her back) who couldn't come to a special event I was having because she was too uncomfortable.

It wasn't until I was in the same position several years later that I understood how tough pregnancy can be.

I'm sorry, but no it isn't true that people without children don't understand.
Selfish people - regardless of child situation - are just selfish people.

ABirdsEyeView · 19/08/2024 13:10

YABU for not reminding them in great detail what arseholes they were to you when your baby was tiny. And why they think they have a right to ignore a B&G's request for their own wedding, given that theirs was child free. Sorry, but I wouldn't have been able to let that pass. Glad your mum made a barbed comment.

Am pleased the B&G asked them to leave - cheeky fuckery should always be dealt with at the time. I don't like this thing we do of saying nothing but quietly seething or just bitching behind their backs.

I understand child free weddings - there are some parents who you just couldn't rely on the manage their children appropriately. The sort of parents who'd think it cute if their child ran up and down the aisle, chattering while the B&G were trying to say their vows. Or who wouldn't remove a crying baby from the church.
But you can't have child free and then moan if other people also have one down the line.

nosleepforme · 19/08/2024 13:05

Daisyoopsies · 19/08/2024 13:03

@Miffylou I actually agree with all you've said. I think he really, really had no clue. The annoying thing was now that he had a clue he brought it up to me even though he had done the same thing and clearly forgotten!

But yes, it was petty of me not to hold the baby, I agree. I was just a bit cross to be honest and it was a bit of knee-jerk reaction. To be clear, I did bring the new parents gifts when the baby was born and have messaged back and forth with my relative when he's asked for my advice re baby stuff but in that very moment, I was a bit upset.

It's all a bit petty really, it's just one of those things that's easier to vent about on the internet than to drag up the past in real life. What does it all really matter anyway? They're still married, I'm still on decent terms with my relative, they're parents now and clearly get it, even if they didn't at the time. Ultimately, it's all good and I've got plenty of time to cuddle the baby going forward and I'm sure we'll all be over it soon.

But I was a little cross at the time...

That’s fine. You’re human. If you didn’t feel like holding the baby in the moment, that is valid and it makes sense.

Original poster

Daisyoopsies · 19/08/2024 13:03

@Miffylou I actually agree with all you've said. I think he really, really had no clue. The annoying thing was now that he had a clue he brought it up to me even though he had done the same thing and clearly forgotten!

But yes, it was petty of me not to hold the baby, I agree. I was just a bit cross to be honest and it was a bit of knee-jerk reaction. To be clear, I did bring the new parents gifts when the baby was born and have messaged back and forth with my relative when he's asked for my advice re baby stuff but in that very moment, I was a bit upset.

It's all a bit petty really, it's just one of those things that's easier to vent about on the internet than to drag up the past in real life. What does it all really matter anyway? They're still married, I'm still on decent terms with my relative, they're parents now and clearly get it, even if they didn't at the time. Ultimately, it's all good and I've got plenty of time to cuddle the baby going forward and I'm sure we'll all be over it soon.

But I was a little cross at the time...

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hairbearbunches · 19/08/2024 13:00

When people put rules in place, they don't ever EVER mean those rules should also apply to them. EVER.

nosleepforme · 19/08/2024 13:00

Good for your mum!

Est1990 · 19/08/2024 12:58

Your mum reply at the right time!👏👏👏

MeYouAndAQuestion · 19/08/2024 12:56

I went to two weddings with my first baby who was usually a really quiet mellow baby and he shouted out in both weddings. I think it was the echo'y sound in the churches that made him do it. He was happy but it was disruptive. Obviously I left straightaway but I can really understand why people don't want babies at weddings.

Miffylou · 19/08/2024 12:54

I think some people with no experience of babies or young children just don’t understand until they have their own. It was ridiculous and stupid of him to say you couldn’t feed your baby in the car park but perhaps he was just ignorant (with its true meaning) and clueless. Lots of young men are, about babies and their needs. (Perhaps the bride might have said something different.)
Tbh I think you declining to hold their baby is taking it too far and holding onto a grudge for too long. They understand now. Better late than never. Let it go and resume your close relationship. In future years you can laugh about it with them.

Original poster

Daisyoopsies · 19/08/2024 12:53

@nosleepforme yup. I really think it highlights how for some people their outlook on some things really, really changes once they have kids.

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nosleepforme · 19/08/2024 12:51

DonttouchthatLarry · 19/08/2024 11:10

If you were happy with the feeding in the car park arrangement you should have just done it without asking permission! They can dictate who attends the wedding but surely don't control the car park. However I would have declined anyway.

So you couldn’t bring baby to car park but they brought a baby into a child free wedding? Lol

Original poster

Daisyoopsies · 19/08/2024 12:50

@Josephinesnapoleon ah, but you see, I didn't want to bring my kid! I wanted to breastfeed with my kid outside and then go back in alone.

That aside, I think having a newborn and trying to figure out your new place in the world with this brand new person who 100% depends on you can feel like the trenches sometimes and sometimes it can be a real life saver to have family to make slight accommodations to help you (like allowing your baby into a carpark outside a venue and them allowing them to have the baby taken away again). Totally get that they didn't have to and we respected that when they told us we couldn't, but it was sad at the time to miss out on going to the wedding just because I was a brand new mum and had to breastfeed. These things happen.

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Original poster

Daisyoopsies · 19/08/2024 12:44

@rainbowstardrops I genuinely just think they were so caught up in their own little world (at the time, planning a wedding and now with their own tiny baby) to even think about how the two situations were related. It really felt like they were complaining to me like "you're a parent too, you get it" so I really think they've probably just done a complete 180 in terms of perspective and forgotten the part of their life where they caused the same problem. To be fair, I obviously declined but I didn't really go into detail other than that I couldn't find childcare so I'm not even sure they ever knew how pissed off me and DH were at the time. Seemed pointless to argue at the time, we weren't going to change their minds!

As for the asking about the carpark, I literally only mentioned it as the groom was asking me after I declined if I could find childcare and I said no but that me and DH had come up with this possible feeding in the carpark plan. Agree that had I never mentioned it he probably would never have even known... we really did used to have a really good relationship before all this and I guess because he had expressed that he really wanted me there after I had declined I thought he might be open to working with me on an alternative plan. 🤷‍♀️ I was wrong. And then I think I was just a bit too stunned (and knackered no doubt 😝) to fight it any longer.

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Josephinesnapoleon · 19/08/2024 12:39

It's very passive aggressive but the way I got my own back was to politely decline when they asked if I wanted to hold the baby... it's not the baby's fault, I was just angry in the moment and was just thinking "I'm not going to literally physically support your baby when you wouldn't support us when we were in the trenches..."

that’s a bit much. You weren’t in the trenches you just could not bring your kid,

Purplebunnie · 19/08/2024 12:38

We had a child free wedding but someone still brought their child, think they were 8-10 years old

MissAppley · 19/08/2024 12:38

Penguinmouse · 19/08/2024 12:05

I’m more appalled that they said you couldn’t leave the wedding to go to the car park?! I would have just done that regardless.

this 100%! and I wouldn't have asked in the first place, my god you just wanted your baby to be brought to a car park!!

Original poster

Daisyoopsies · 19/08/2024 12:36

@queenMab99 oh that's awful, I'm sorry. Weddings really can bring out the worst in people.

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rainbowstardrops · 19/08/2024 12:35

Why on earth did you ask for permission to have your husband bring your baby to the car park for a feed??? Do they own the car park?!
And how on earth did you keep your mouth shut when they were retelling their wedding story?
Bonkers.

Original poster

Daisyoopsies · 19/08/2024 12:34

@AFmammaG they're close family. I've known him since he was born, we've been big parts of each other's lives. Our family is quite tight and I have to see them about once a month at a family gathering or some such event. It'd actually be a lot harder to cut ties with this person than it would be to just try and get along.

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Jennyathemall · 19/08/2024 12:34

JabbaTheBeachHut · 19/08/2024 11:18

Or why the OP felt the need to ask them

Show quote history

Indeed

queenMab99 · 19/08/2024 12:33

I was not allowed to take my 3 month old to my brother in laws wedding, it wasn't a child free wedding and they weren't worried about noise, it was that he was a new baby, and the bride was worried that guests might be more interested in him than her. I was flabbergasted that anyone would admit to being jealous of a tiny baby. This was 50 years ago and I have been divorced from their brother for 30 years. (I don't hold a grudge.......much!)

Didimum · 19/08/2024 12:33

What's occurred isn't OK, but I'm mainly confused why you even asked if your husband could bring the baby to the venue carpark – I don't see why that's anything to do with them and they wouldn't have even have known about it. it wouldn't occur to be why anyone would need permission for that.

whereisthelifethatirecognize · 19/08/2024 12:22

Borninabarn32 · 19/08/2024 11:09

Please tell me you reminded them how they treated you?!

When SIL was towards the end of her pregnancy she put a rant on fb about people asking if baby was here yet etc. I sent her screenshots of all the messages she sent me not a year prior doing the same thing to me.

People without children genuinely have no idea.

You are my hero.
Hope she apologised.

gardenmusic · 19/08/2024 12:21

Reminds me of a wedding I went to. I was the plus one, it was his colleague's wedding. There were a couple of children there, but the 2 bridesmaids were her adult sisters.
Another colleague turned up with her little girl in a full on bridesmaid dress, clutching a silver horseshoe. Nothing like the bridal choices. They were not in contact outside work!
Kept trying to insinuate her child into the photo's. Called the photographer over to take child's picture numerous times. Young child had no idea she was a rogue bridesmaid.
When the woman was questioned by the bride's mother she replied that she had put her in the frock as she had been a bridesmaid recently, and had the dress.

yikesanotherbooboo · 19/08/2024 12:19

One thing about this that I find hard to accept is the hosts of the event not considering their guests needs. Yes, lots of children who are old enough to need meals are expensive and I can understand when limits are put on , particularly if everyone lives nearby, but babes in arms cost nothing and it helps their parents if they are welcomed.