Splitting my mum's ashes

I'm sorry for your loss op. What did your mum want?

I’m so sorry for your loss, this must be really hard for you. And I’m also sorry that the conversation above went the way it did, I’m sure you didn’t need to read that at this stage.

what are you talking about? we are discussing ashes. my dad died 2 months ago, I don't think it's insensitive. but OP, if I have upset you then I am sorry

personally, the idea of splitting ashes is horrifying

If it's not what you're Mom would have wanted, then that should stand. These are her final wishes, and I wouldn't divide them to accomodate his estrangement choice.

I’m so sorry for your loss, this must be really hard for you. And I’m also sorry that the conversation above went the way it did, I’m sure you didn’t need to read that at this stage.

We’ve lost my mama recently, and my sister requested the ashes split, as she wanted to use some in planting trees. I was uncomfortable with it at first, but soon came to the conclusion that my mum would have wanted us to find comfort, in whichever way. And if that brings my sister comfort, she’d have been ok with it from where we believe she is now.

If your brother needs that comfort, would your mum have wanted to give it to him?

Wishing you so much strength. This is incredibly hard, is t it?

ah, that's lovely ❤️

must admit, we have no plans to scatter my dad. he is on the shelf by his chair and I also feel a sense of comfort sitting next to him 🥺

Something unexpected happened when I was handed my Dad's ashes (in a surreal green gift bag. I just got an overwhelming comforting sensation that, yes, this is you. It was reassuring, not scary at all.

I don't think you ABU.

Your brother has chosen not to come to the planned event, that's his choice and he can't expect to dictate what happens to your Mum's ashes.

I was really surprised by the weight of my dad's 'ashes'. it does make more sense now

well I never, every day is a school day

What's neat is that the weight of the remains following cremation are roughly that of a newborn baby.

If you have the ashes interred then you’d all be able to visit separately.

Nope, the consistency is like sand. The industry refers to it as ashes to gloss over this fact. Most of the body disappears up the chimney as smoke and vapours, but the bigger bones such as pelvis etc are left and crushed up.

The ashes of my grandmother were very lightweight and blew away immediately - was actually v hard to scatter properly as it was windy! (We think she would have found this funny!)

they are pulverised bone fragments

are they?? I didn't know that, I thought the bones weren't burnt to cinders by the high heat?

No, they are not technically ashes so they don't drift away, they're not light like wood ash. As they are pulverised bone fragments they remain largely where they fall, unless you throw them off a cliff or something into the air.

Go ahead with the scattering. He was invited, so his choice whether to attend or not. No other options were offered.

What’s wrong with splitting ashes? My mum wants to be cremated and has asked for her ashes to be spread in a couple of different places that are special to her; also ashes separate anyway so not like they’d stay together in one spot?

nothing could persuade me to split ashes, bad JuJu imo. I'd give them all to brother if it came to it, rather than split them

If ashes are scattered, they are not going to be together anyway. That's sort of the point, they blow and drift away, to become part of the cycle again. I know you're grieving, but she was his mother too.

Did she express any wishes as to what to do with the ashes? Was your brother estranged from her or other family members?
If affirmative I'd tell him no, he doesn't have any say.
We split my parents ashes. We took some to their house in Spain. I'm glad I insisted with my fathers ashes as my mother scattered the rest in a private park which we have no access to. I did point this out to her at the time.