Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Splitting my mum's ashes

120 replies

bodybrodyurgh · 18/08/2024 22:20

My brother is estranged from the rest of the family - he has refused to come to the scattering of my Mum's ashes and instead has said he wants half of her ashes to scatter elsewhere.

I hate the idea of her ashes not being together and think he should just come to the scattering - I think he's being selfish and it isn't want my mum would have wanted.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
bodybrodyurgh · 20/08/2024 22:04

Viviennemary · 20/08/2024 11:18

Your mums wishes take priority. I really don't get this obsession with ashes. THey aren't the person.

My Mum didn't leave any instructions re her ashes.

OP posts:
Original poster
bodybrodyurgh · 20/08/2024 22:03

He didn't steal but he did misrepresent quite significantly what he'd done in terms of her affairs. There are 4 of us and agreement to scatter the ashes happened before the reality of the mess emerged. I feel he's avoiding taking responsibility by refusing to attend but know my mum would have hated the split - I think he should take a deep breath and stick with the agreement. If not I'd rather he had them all - the splitting bothers me - not logical I know.

OP posts:
Round3HereWeGo · 20/08/2024 11:29

YABU

If he did most of the caring for her then he should get a big say in what happens (assuming she hasn't left instructions or expressed wishes).

tailofthecock · 20/08/2024 11:27

Dotto · 19/08/2024 00:54

Maybe it is carefully managed / very thinly spread. however the science is clear. Google it if you don't believe me.

Edited
Show quote history

funeral director friend told me this. I wanted to add ashes to the bottom of a hole I'd dug in the garden to plant a rose bush and she grimaced saying that it will be incredibly difficult to keep the rose alive with the ashes in the roots.

Viviennemary · 20/08/2024 11:18

Your mums wishes take priority. I really don't get this obsession with ashes. THey aren't the person.

FiveShelties · 20/08/2024 11:15

@bodybrodyurgh I am so sorry for your loss and the situation you are in with your brother.

I am also really sorry to see some of the posts on this thread, absolutely completely inappropriate.

noctilucentcloud · 20/08/2024 11:10

Could you and your brother decide on a place and you scatter half and then he scatters half (maybe doing it separately one after another at a set time with the other at a distance)? Or if the estrangement is at a point where you can't decide on a place together, that you think of two or three places you think and let him chose out of those?

RedHelenB · 20/08/2024 11:08

Mintypig · 19/08/2024 07:51

This. His choice. Come along or do not come. I wouldn’t be letting him call the shots.

Show quote history

Why doesn't he get a say too? Both he and UP are the dc, they should surely come to an agreement about whet happens to their mum?

CrispsAndWines · 20/08/2024 11:07

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Silvers11 · 20/08/2024 11:02

CrispsAndWines · Today 00:34

Lizzie67384 · 18/08/2024 23:53
What’s wrong with splitting ashes? My mum wants to be cremated and has asked for her ashes to be spread in a couple of different places that are special to her; also ashes separate anyway so not like they’d stay together in one spot?

It's just wrong.

@CrispsAndWines That is an opinion that you are completely entitled to hold, but it is an opinion not a fact. The person you were replying to says it is her Mum's wish that her ashes are put in a few different places and you are still saying that it is a wrong. Can I ask what your reasons are for feeling it is wrong?

urbanbuddha · 20/08/2024 04:25

Estranged or not he needs to say goodbye too.

NosieRosie · 20/08/2024 00:54

I’ve left instructions, in my funeral plan, for my dc, that I want my ashes to be scattered in 3 different places.

If there’s a Heaven my soul will go there. My bodily remains won’t.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 20/08/2024 00:42

My advice… don’t do anything for at least 2 or 3 years. Emotions are raw, it sounds like the estate is going to be interesting to settle. Just press the big pause button and revisit in the future when everything has had time to settle.

JMSA · 20/08/2024 00:36

sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/08/2024 09:19

Some people have the empathy of a forgetful goldfish. A grieving poster asks what they should do with regards to their late mothers ashes and pp come on to tell her the process involved in obtaining said ashes really not necessary or relevant.

Absolutely. The lack of sensitivity is astounding.

CrispsAndWines · 20/08/2024 00:34

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

JMSA · 20/08/2024 00:34

I'm not sure the OP needed to know some of the detail on here Hmm

I don't like the thought of ashes being separated, but that's just my initial visceral reaction to it. It's not actually based on anything, just a feeling.

Anyway, I'm sorry for your loss and YANBU Flowers

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 20/08/2024 00:30

OkPedro · 20/08/2024 00:22

Sounds like he messed up with paying bills/taking money and has run away because he was caught.

Show quote history

I thought it sounded more like investments that hadn't come through

If he was stealing I'd have expected OP to say something

OkPedro · 20/08/2024 00:22

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 20/08/2024 00:08

So he wasn't estranged from your mother, he spent his time caring for her and is now struggling with grief and with feelings of failure because he didn't act the way he wanted to whilst being the main carer?

Denying him the ashes he wants to scatter in his own way will only estranged him further and make a rift which may never heal...

Show quote history

Sounds like he messed up with paying bills/taking money and has run away because he was caught.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 20/08/2024 00:08

bodybrodyurgh · 19/08/2024 22:03

Thanks for the replies. My Mum died in early June, there was no funeral as she wanted an unattended cremation as she hated funerals. My brother wasn't estranged in fact was Mum's main carer but it's emerged since she died that he didn't actually look after her affairs in the way he claimed. It's all very complicated but he has estranged himself - I think - to try to avoid any need to face the mess he made.

Mum didn't leave any instructions about her ashes but she would hate the fact that the family has split. It's all very upsetting and I'm finding it very hard to deal with.

But I hate the idea of splitting her ashes - it feels horrible and the reason for it makes it even worse.

So he wasn't estranged from your mother, he spent his time caring for her and is now struggling with grief and with feelings of failure because he didn't act the way he wanted to whilst being the main carer?

Denying him the ashes he wants to scatter in his own way will only estranged him further and make a rift which may never heal...

Silver777 · 19/08/2024 23:37

Bobbotgegrinch · 19/08/2024 11:18

At least they're more or less where the family intended them.

Apparently Disneyland has a real problem with people smuggling in ashes to scatter. They've likely been powerwashed down a drain by the time the rest of the family have gotten off It's a small world!

Show quote history

🫢

Soccergearmissingagain · 19/08/2024 23:28

Agree with others. There is no rush, take your time. Sometimes the right decision is to do nothing, if only for a while.

Murphs1 · 19/08/2024 22:46

Sorry for your loss @bodybrodyurgh Maybe waiting a while like other posters have suggested, to see if you reconcile with your brother will help you to both decide where to scatter your mum. I’m the same as you and cannot bear the idea of splitting ashes either. If there’s no rush, you have time to think and hopefully discuss with your brother what’s best, when everything is calmer.

Silvers11 · 19/08/2024 22:42

@bodybrodyurgh So Sorry for your loss. Very hard to deal with.

I have to say that I agree, having read the update about him being your Mother's main carer, that you should try and wait to do anything at all, until the financial stuff is sorted and hopefully you are reconciled? It wouldn't be right IMO to just go ahead with scattering the ashes, without him being there, as you don't want to split them. He surely has equal rights with you to have a say in what happens?

There is no rush to decide right now, when things are still so raw. Many people wait months or longer after the funeral to decide what to do?

Beetrickspotter · 19/08/2024 22:30

bodybrodyurgh · 19/08/2024 22:03

Thanks for the replies. My Mum died in early June, there was no funeral as she wanted an unattended cremation as she hated funerals. My brother wasn't estranged in fact was Mum's main carer but it's emerged since she died that he didn't actually look after her affairs in the way he claimed. It's all very complicated but he has estranged himself - I think - to try to avoid any need to face the mess he made.

Mum didn't leave any instructions about her ashes but she would hate the fact that the family has split. It's all very upsetting and I'm finding it very hard to deal with.

But I hate the idea of splitting her ashes - it feels horrible and the reason for it makes it even worse.

blimey, I agree with PP. if your brother was your mum's main carer then he definitely needs to be involved with the decision about her ashes. Caring for someone is hard and I don't think he can be blamed for 'making a mess' can he 😬

Sugargliderwombat · 19/08/2024 22:29

I think you should wait to scatter until everything is reconciled.