It’s becoming unfashionable to have kids

Maybe not if they too do not have family. I have a friend who, like me, is an only child and doesn't have children. We are very important to one another. I am trying to find more friends in the same position too. It's a bit like trying to find the siblings and wider family you never had.

Exactly this. My close group of friends are child free and not hugely family orientated. We are each others family.

I suspect many people form friendships with people who are similar to them, though.

My family all live overseas and I could walk past most of them in the street and not even notice, and a lot of my close friends are similar in that they live away from family (or just aren't close to them) and therefore don't really prioritise that relationship.

If I had children and lots of siblings (and friends) with children who all lived nearby, I suspect my experience would be very different.

Humans are very adaptable. With an increasing number of people choosing not to have children, there will be more people in the same situation that will focus on building communities and support networks not based on shared blood. The internet also opens up the works considerably in this respect.

The risk of being lonely when older isn’t personally enough for me to spend years of my life doing something I have zero interest in, that I would resent. I doubt that would result in me having much in the way of company in my dotage anyway.

Yes this is true

I haven't used the term 'bizarre' or insisted anybody is 'wrong'. I have simply expressed the view that the same argument is seldom applied to very young girls who express a desire to have children. I have, in fact, never heard the equivalent said of a teenager expressing a strong desire to have children. Cautions to wait a while before actually having them, yes, but never a suggestion that at such a young age they can't possibly know that this is something they definitely want.
I'm 50, with plenty of life experience of my own and not completely child free by choice, and I still stand by the fact that it is just as possible to know you don't want children before the age of 25 as it is to know you want them. I don't deny that people change their minds about not wanting kids. I just want to hear some acknowledgement that the same is true the other way about. The fact that you haven't come back to me with, 'I'd say the same thing if she'd expressed a strong insistence on wanting to be a mother' implies that you, like many others, only consider not wanting kids as a juvenile idea that might change, not the other way about.

I think even if you have good friends, most of them will prioritise and spend time with immediate family over friends.

I just don't see why a blood relative would be more likely to step up and support me than someone I've chosen to have in my life.

I barely speak to any of my relatives except my parents and a couple of aunts - not because we've fallen out or because we hate each other, but because we have nothing in common except blood. They're not bad people but they're just not people I would choose to spend time with.

My friends are far, far more likely to step up for me than anyone else. And that means more to me because they've chosen to support me, they don't feel obligated to because of "blood".

I also keep saying things like “not choosing” to have kids, I would and have chosen not to have them because it’s not compatible but it’s more than that because I still have no feeling of “need” or “desire” to have kids if that makes sense? I don’t feel like it’s 100% my choice if I don’t feel anything?

Perhaps if I felt the “NEED” to have them I might have had them? Who knows? All I know is they aren’t compatible with how I like to live and at the same time I don’t have a biological urge either so it feels like the decision has been made for me.

Added this to the bottom of previous post

I think we all know the implications but when people make childbirth decisions “societal impact” is generally not a consideration.

I am from a large family and honestly it made no difference to me when contemplating which life path I would take and decided that the best options for me would be the ones that unfortunately resulted in me not having children.

I get it. Evidently some of the people who are CF young remain so.

Many others do not. So if a young person tells me they don’t want kids I just say “that’s nice”.

And wait to see what happens once they hit their 30s.

The thing is having lots of babies to combat the challenges of an aging population is basically a huge pyramid scheme....

I am not saying CF don’t exist. Not once!

I am just saying I take people expressing the desire to be CF more seriously when they are older for the reasons stated.

I was surprised to learn this, they will soon be a shortage of working age people, I don't think we have fully grasped the implications of this.

It's not a guarantee no, but having family usually gives you roots, stability and the feeling that if the shit hits the fan, someone will step up for you. Not always, but having family gives you more of a chance than not having a family.

I think seeing what it takes I decided it's not for me.

I'm also an introvert, I'm happy with my own company I've never been someone that enjoys being round people. I like to chill out in the evenings, watch my favourite tv shows, walk the dog, read in peace with the dog asleep on my knee. I also love routine and knowing that when I've done whatever I need to do that day then I can chill out and do whatever I want without answering to anyone. It's the way I've always been, probably sounds like hell for extroverts but I love it.

As a child I'd go to the library every week, get my maximum amount of books and sit in my bedroom and read, I obviously had fun times with my siblings too but I just prefer my own company.

A child is not compatible with any of this. I also might be from a massive family but I don't go around visiting often or anything now that I'm older. I feel like I spent that much time being forced to be around lots of people as a child that now I can choose I mostly keep to myself.

ETA

I also keep saying things like “not choosing” to have kids, I would and have chosen not to have them because it’s not compatible but it’s more than that because I still have no feeling of “need” or “desire” to have kids if that makes sense? I don’t feel like it’s 100% my choice if I don’t feel anything?

Perhaps if I felt the “NEED” to have them I might have had them? Who knows? All I know is they aren’t compatible with how I like to live and at the same time I don’t have a biological urge either so it feels like the decision has been made for me.

Friends will become the new family. This is already the case in some communities (especially optically LGBTQ communities.)

I find, interestingly, because I am a childless woman, I have restructured my friendship circles so most of my friends are also other childfree / childless women. Makes it easier.

But having children doesn't mean you won't be lonely, just as growing up with lots of cousins or having lots of aunts and uncles doesn't mean you'll be close when you're all grown up.

Look at all the threads on here from people whose adult children have moved to the other end of the country, or to Australia, or who live round the corner but only bother to drop in at Christmas.

I mean, DH is from a big family, but until his mum died earlier in the year, he had a sister he hadn't seen or spoken to in a decade, and she lives about 300 metres from us. I also have loads of aunts, uncles and cousins but I've seen precisely one of them in the last six years.

I'm much closer to the people I've chosen to have in my life.

Birth rates are falling across the entire planet. The only region that is currently bucking the trend is sub-Saharan Africa and even then not in every country.

half of their heart, their human capacity to feel and experience the world will never be opened up.

Could you be any more insulting?

Just because I don't have a child I don't have the capacity to love wholeheartedly?

What a fucking nasty post.

So the point of you creating this thread becomes clear.

To belittle those without children. Not everybody who has children feels the way you do. Instead of pitying people for having a different life to you - why not just enjoy your life and stop needing others to validate your choices? Somebody else not having children does not impact you.

(And what an absolutely disgusting post for those struggling with infertility to have to see.)

When you say die alone what does that mean? Having children won’t prevent you dying alone.

I'm from a massive family, loads of younger siblings and cousins

@BeansOnToast32 I wonder if the fact you come from a big family means you have the security and company of lots of relatives and therefore are more secure in your choice to not have children?

Your comment is interesting. I always wanted children but only if I was married. Never married so never had kids. But like you I never had a desire to raise children.

I am not a nurturer - never have been, never will be and have no natural nurturing tendencies. When I became old and realised if I wanted to make kids happen some decisions would have to be made I realised that the driving reason for me still wanting them was

1. Curiositiy (about pregnancy and also to see what kind of child I would create)

2. Concern about who would help me when I was 80.

But I never had any desire to be involved in the daily care and development of a child. In light of that I felt my reasons were not good enough to settle for men who, while nice, I was not attracted to and had zero interest in being around.

So accepted kids were not for me.