It’s becoming unfashionable to have kids

People tend to only list the negatives of having children when they are being criticised for not having them or asked to justify not wanting them. You said yourself you’ve never been asked why you wanted children.

No-one’s saying your (or any parent’s) life must be awful. Just that it would be awful for them personally. Having a dog would be awful for me but most dog owners love their lives, clearly!

No but there have been plenty of posts on this thread talking about how awful my life must be. It doesn't bother me really but if I did the same thing - as in, listed all the negatives of a child free life - I'd be hauled over the coals!

But we don’t see the positives as positives, or don’t think they will be positive for us, or they are severely outweighed by negatives. Surely that’s not hard to understand? When you have no urge/desire, the decision can only be made by rational logic - how you’d make a decision at work.

For me there would be no positives to having a dog, as they make me nervous and I don’t find them cute or fun. The only positive for me would be companionship, but that would be outweighed by my allergy, costs, having to walk in rain, picking up shite, hoovering fur all the time, and having random people come up to me when I’m sitting in the cafe trying to have a conversation with a friend.

Every decision is taken by weighing up the positives and negatives, I see much more negatives than positives for me. Watching a child develop wouldn’t be a positive as I have no interest in child development - as much as I have no interest in Danish kings and queens of the 1600s. A child would hamper my ability to pursue my actual interests.

People who have chosen not to have children certainly do come u dear pressure to justify their choice. Much more than people who choose to have them. Have you ever been asked why you wanted children?

Because for some people there aren’t positives? And they’ll explain that when people enquire as to why they don’t want children?

There’s things that people absolutely adore that I can’t see the positives of beyond ‘it makes that person happy’, but appreciating that it’s a positive for someone else, and being happy for them that it is, doesn’t mean it becomes a positive for me.

One person’s heaven is another’s hell and all that.

It's a cost issue we have moved away from family supporting family, one income families to paying childcare.

Yes, this. My friendship group is broadly similar. I suffered from an abusive childhood where I was parentified and that’s a large part of why I never wanted kids, but my friends had great childhoods and just view the whole business as tiresome and unattractive. They don’t enjoy the company of children and raising them would be incompatible with the lives they’ve designed for themselves.

I wish we could get away from the narrative that you’re only childfree because something went wrong growing up. It reminds me of the narrative that you’re only a lesbian because you’re scared of men, or because a man hurt you.

Fair enough. There are a few posts however, like @notanotheronenow 's post that list negative after negative after negative. Something can be incredibly positive and still not be for you - I get that, which makes me wonder why the focus is on the negatives? Is it because people feel pressure to justify their choice?

I don't agree with using the word 'fashion' as I think it's flippant and judgemental but I do think the low birth rate is in some way due to how our society is at the moment - people's choices are being influenced, not by fashion, but by societal norms and attitudes as well as the things going on in the world around us.

“The positives may outweigh the negatives” works for stuff like camping, trying drugs or going to a new country you’re not sure about. Try it, it you hate it then you can never do it again and life carries on as normal. But with a kid you can’t just hand it back to a shelter.

I never saw any positives about the idea of having children. Don't like them, never wanted to put my body through that, never wanted that additional financial stress or the slog of putting them through school etc. Absolutely nothing about it, or them, appealed, or does now. Child-free sums up my attitude and desires about it.

I can see the positives. But they don’t outweigh the negatives for everyone.

That's not what happened on this thread. Someone listed the negatives and I asked if they could also see the positives. Context is important.

I've held a baby once - my best friend's newborn daughter, back in the 80s. Only did it because she wanted a photo. I'd had quite enough of children by the time I left school.

@Thepeopleversuswork excellent post, couldn't agree more.

I thought it was a bit of a status symbol to have kids now 🤷 Especially families who can afford to raise more than 3 children.

Yes. It’s not really surprising that when women do not instantly fall in love with their baby, as they have been repeatedly promised they will, they end up with PND.

I had a brother 10 years younger - and I absolutely hated it

I have one elder sister and three much younger siblings. I felt the same way about them. I found children dull and boring when I was a child. That hasn't changed now I'm an adult.

I don't have kids, and most of my close friends don't have kids. All by choice.

I think a lot of people are more clued into the stress of having kids, despite social media's best attempts.

I don't feel like kids would add anything positive to my life and just be a lot of stress. My partner and I are self-employed, we can travel a lot at the cheapest times of year, get up when we like, plan our work when we like, go out at night when we like, see our friends at weekends. Have time for hobbies and learning new things. Volunteer in the community outside our bubble, helping people in need and improving the local environment and services for people. We have enough money to be comfortable and don't have conversations that revolve around poo or homework.

Best case scenario I'd shit myself, rip my genitals, and deal with endless screaming followed by stage after stage of different problems, 24/7 for at least 18 years, by something that drains my time and money. All while telling myself it was worth it because they look cute asleep. "This too shall pass" just seems to involve every stage, with people saying "it'll get better" when what they actually mean is a new set of problems. Then they'll either never leave home and you never get peace, or they leave home and barely speak to you again anyway after the first few years, leaving you thinking, what was the point of all that stress.

Every time I see friends that do have kids they seem incredibly stressed. It's hard to have a conversation because they're demanding attention or listening in. Many of them regret it, or their partner, or their life in general.

I feel like the most common reason people give for having kids is that they worry they'll be alone in old age, which is one of the most selfish reasons and also you aren't going to be able to force your kids to look after you (and why should they give up their lives anyway).

I'll be in sheltered accommodation with all my friends, playing bingo 😂

@GratitudeGrump

To repeat what I actually said, I am sad and baffled when people who don't have children list the negatives of having children. If I did the same thing - listed the negatives of not having children - I'm sure child free people would be similarly not happy.

But the premise of this whole thread is people wondering why fewer people are having children. The use of the word “fashion” is also a giveaway as it clearly suggests some people are doing it to make a point.

When people seek to answer this from their own experience the reaction of a lot of parents to a) become defensive and express “bafflement” that people can’t see the positives and b) in some cases to imply that it’s because of social failure (lack of money usually).

However you look at it, most people are coming from the standpoint that it’s “natural” to want children.

I find it interesting that whenever someone posts about not wanting children, it's inevitable that someone will jump in and say "but can't you imagine all the positives?!"

Yes, I can, but I still don't want them!

I am child free not by choice originally and have learned to embrace it more as I have aged. I work with children and enjoy it, but that's enough for me.
I think there's more honesty around parenthood now. 30 years ago I worked with a woman who freely admitted she didn't love her child, she had never wanted him in the first place, fed him, clothed him, etc, but beyond that wasn't really interested. The child was a teen at this point. Everybody was horrified by this, that any mother could think like that, myself included (and sorry for the child, since she said she didn't hide it from him and had told him once she wasn't legally responsible he was on his own). But in latter years, more women have admitted they don't have the bond (albeit under the anonymity of the internet) and it wasn't PND, it just never really happened.
The internet has meant that women who don't get the instant connection can talk about it, not without judgement, but with anonymity. Gradually, we are hearing from parents who do regret it. It's more acceptable to talk about the negatives. And slowly we are getting better at acknowledging that the magical, automatic bond is a bit of a, not exactly myth, but not as universal as presumed.
I think people are less willing to have a child when they are unsure based on someone else gushing about how different it is when you have your own, the love as soon as you see the baby, because we do now hear about when that isn't the case. And it's a heck of a gamble with your own and a child's life to do something you aren't sure about on the off chance that you'll feel this.

Yep it's very depressing.

I don't know about "unfashionable", perhaps just more common. In my friendship ground, five of us have decided not to have children which seems quite high. A couple have had one child, and one wants them but hasn't been able to.