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AIBU?

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Original poster

To consider reporting him

215 replies

cantbelieveimaskingthis2 · 18/08/2024 17:25

I have a much younger brother who is now in his late 20s. He had a very difficult childhood as our parents have a lot of problems (disability, mental illness and some substance abuse), and whilst they love/d us, they often couldn’t care well for us. After I left home my bro was quite neglected, physically and emotionally.

I love him to bits, he was a gorgeous child. But I fear has not grown into a very nice adult.

The dilemma is this. He went to uni but having graduated with an ok degree, he has never had a job, ever. He doesn’t want to work in an office (fair enough) and has had various ideas but never settled on anything. However he rents a decent flat (i think a housing benefit scam maybe), always has plenty of disposable income. He travels extensively. He doesn’t live extravagantly but he has nice clothes, and travels well, ie: eats out for 3 meals a day for 6 months of the year when he is abroad.

It’s become apparent to me recently what is staring my family in the face which is there is no way he is coming by this money legally. My parents believe him when he says he’s just very frugal with his benefits money. But I know what things cost and there’s no way people on the dole can afford to be living it up in Thailand for months at a time? When I’ve asked him he’s given various excuses or deflections about investing in crypto but a few questions show he knows nothing about crypto so its obviously not true.

Our family are poor working class, there are no secret inheritances or anything.

So. I have concluded he’s probably up to no good but I can’t be sure. He‘s a gentle giant and i couldn’t imagine him harming anyone but he is a big bloke. He could if he wanted to. And with the amount of money and travel, it feels like he’s not small-time dabbling either. I have this feeling he’s doing something bad-bad. Something that could get him in real trouble. Or hurt. Or others hurt. But I have no evidence.

WIBU to report him to the police to try and force him out of whatever mess he is in?

I know for sure he will not listen even if I beg him to stop whatever it is I think he’s up to. After all he’s living his best life I guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
cantbelieveimaskingthis2 · 18/08/2024 18:56

BobbyBiscuits · 18/08/2024 18:40

I remember the last post too. You can't prove he's done anything illegal.
If you want to mess with his finances you could report to DWP for suspected benefit fraud? But on what grounds I've no idea.
And then he'd have no money whatsoever which presumably would make his circumstances worse. Plus I'd never do that to someone I cared about.
You can give him advice and guidance. But he seems like he doesn't want it.
If you think he's physically or emotionally abusing anyone then by all means involve the authorities.
But if you just disapprove of his perceived lifestyle then it's really not your concern.

a few things here.

i don’t want to mess with him or his finances. I love him. I’m worried he’s going to end up murdered or banged up in a foreign jail if my suspicions are correct. And i’m pretty sure they are.

I couldn’t care less about his lifestyle. I love him and want him to be happy. For some people that looks like a mortgage, 9-5 job and car in the drive, for others its not. If he wants to not settle and travel his whole life i couldn’t care less as long as he’s happy. Not that he needs my approval anyway.

But if he’s got himself in trouble, I’d want to help. If he does end up murdered I’d always regret not doing more to save him even if that meant doing something that would cause him problems in the shorter term.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 18/08/2024 18:51

The police won't be interested in a vague suspicion OP. They just won't.

Original poster
cantbelieveimaskingthis2 · 18/08/2024 18:50

Maddy70 · 18/08/2024 18:34

You have no proof of anything

Leave him alone you sound quite toxic. Hes not had a great family the last thing he meeds is you letting him down too

I think that’s unkind and unnecessary. I’ve made it clear in all my posts the reason I would even consider reporting him is because the only logical endpoint I can see is him getting killed, and I don’t want that to happen, because I love him. I’m worried just continuing to turn a blind eye isn’t going to help him with him getting worse and worse in trouble but I also don’t think just asking him nicely to change his lifestyle will work. I don’t see how that could be considered toxic? If you were worried about a family member being involved in crime what would you do? You’d ignore it?

OP posts:
Octonaut4Life · 18/08/2024 18:48

As a slightly different approach, you could consider reporting him to HMRC/DWP saying you suspect he is not paying tax on his earnings, may be committing benefit fraud and may be involved in something dodgy. They'd possibly be more likely to investigate than the police especially if he's on benefits but you share evidence that he has other sources of income.

sunsetsandboardwalks · 18/08/2024 18:42

Maybe he won the lottery and doesn't want to tell you.

At the end of the day, you have no proof of anything and it's not really any of your business. All you know is that he has money.

BobbyBiscuits · 18/08/2024 18:40

I remember the last post too. You can't prove he's done anything illegal.
If you want to mess with his finances you could report to DWP for suspected benefit fraud? But on what grounds I've no idea.
And then he'd have no money whatsoever which presumably would make his circumstances worse. Plus I'd never do that to someone I cared about.
You can give him advice and guidance. But he seems like he doesn't want it.
If you think he's physically or emotionally abusing anyone then by all means involve the authorities.
But if you just disapprove of his perceived lifestyle then it's really not your concern.

Demonhunter · 18/08/2024 18:39

There tends to be one of 3 reasons why men regualrly spend half of the year in Thailand when they are resident in UK, and none of them are nice, and only one technically legal!

Maddy70 · 18/08/2024 18:34

You have no proof of anything

Leave him alone you sound quite toxic. Hes not had a great family the last thing he meeds is you letting him down too

Octavia64 · 18/08/2024 18:34

You can report it to the police.

They'll add the information to their files (electronic)

Obviously without anything else they are unlikely to investigate further as they will have higher priority cases so in practice it's unlikely anything will happen.

Original poster
cantbelieveimaskingthis2 · 18/08/2024 18:30

BearPear · 18/08/2024 18:23

Where “abroad” is he going for 6 months? I didn’t think there was anywhere you could go these days without a visa (definitely not Europe unless he holds an EU passport.

He travels around moving from place to place just staying in airbnbs and hotels etc

OP posts:
Cuwins · 18/08/2024 18:27

I think you should report your suspicions- large amounts of unexplainable money combined frequent travel abroad. I think they may be interested in a very low level- for instance adding it to any intelligence they already have or highlighting him for extra searching at the airport. Probably can't do more than that without more evidence.

Startingagainandagain · 18/08/2024 18:26

OP you need to let go and focus on your own life...

Your brother is an adult and you have no evidence to back up your suspicions that would be useful to the police.

Your brother has made his choice. If he is involved in crime, sooner or later he will face the consequences.

Sometimes you have to let people face the consequences of their actions and hope they can turn their life around.

You brother can only change if he wants to.

BearPear · 18/08/2024 18:23

Where “abroad” is he going for 6 months? I didn’t think there was anywhere you could go these days without a visa (definitely not Europe unless he holds an EU passport.

Villagetoraiseachild · 18/08/2024 18:16

I can see where you're coming from@cantbelieveimaskingthis2, attempting to protect him or limit damage.
Maybe better to let go and trust whilst protecting yourself and kids.
The no boundaries behaviour could indicate addiction of some kind.
It's a concern but beyond your control. He can change if and when he wants to.

Original poster
cantbelieveimaskingthis2 · 18/08/2024 18:13

Thelittleweasel · 18/08/2024 18:09

@cantbelieveimaskingthis2

The Police will not - I fear - be interested.

I used to work [years ago] dealing with fraud. People would supply information but in probably 95% of the cases it was not either relevant or not true!

Thanks for this.

Clearly for me it’s easier not to do anything, just keep burying my head and telling myself how he makes money is none of my business even though people may be getting hurt and someone I love could be putting himself in danger.

But if I know the cops wouldn’t care anyway that makes it a bit easier.

OP posts:
Original poster
cantbelieveimaskingthis2 · 18/08/2024 18:10

PonyPatter44 · 18/08/2024 18:06

Oh, the drug trade hurts PLENTY of people, including the 12 and 13 year old kids (sometimes younger) who get caught up in county lines, the trafficked men and women working in grow houses, the completely innocent passrs-by who get caught up in stupid-arse gang violence... so it's a dangerous violent trade whatever some people would like you to think.

If you do decide to report it, you might find it easier to speak to Crimestoppers rather than the police. Do NOT tell him or anyone you've reported him.

Yes I hear you on the drug trade hurting people.

If you met him you’d think this guy could never hurt a fly he’s so gentle. But even if he never personally hurt anyone clearly this type of industry really does.

Drugs is one of two things I can think of that would explain all the cash and international travel. Well, three - another poster suggested he could be involved in sex work himself which I wouldn’t rule out, it’s possible. The third possibility is he could be involved in some way in trafficking people / women, like Andrew Tate style. But that’s even worse and I can’t bear to think it.

OP posts:
Clementine22 · 18/08/2024 18:09

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Thelittleweasel · 18/08/2024 18:09

@cantbelieveimaskingthis2

The Police will not - I fear - be interested.

I used to work [years ago] dealing with fraud. People would supply information but in probably 95% of the cases it was not either relevant or not true!

PonyPatter44 · 18/08/2024 18:06

Oh, the drug trade hurts PLENTY of people, including the 12 and 13 year old kids (sometimes younger) who get caught up in county lines, the trafficked men and women working in grow houses, the completely innocent passrs-by who get caught up in stupid-arse gang violence... so it's a dangerous violent trade whatever some people would like you to think.

If you do decide to report it, you might find it easier to speak to Crimestoppers rather than the police. Do NOT tell him or anyone you've reported him.

Original poster
cantbelieveimaskingthis2 · 18/08/2024 18:04

Fluufer · 18/08/2024 18:03

If you know him well enough to know the ins and outs of his finances and travel, just ask him.

To what end though? If he told me ‘yes i’m a gangster’ what should I morally do with that information? Should I report him?

OP posts:
Fluufer · 18/08/2024 18:03

If you know him well enough to know the ins and outs of his finances and travel, just ask him.

Original poster
cantbelieveimaskingthis2 · 18/08/2024 18:02

KerryBlues · 18/08/2024 17:54

But there’s nothing concrete to report, other than him living beyond his means.

Show quote history

True.

i suppose firstly i don’t know how the police works. If you need solid evidence or can just report a suspicion.

What if I could get evidence? Like a confession? I’ve never tried just straight up confronting him. If I did get a confession or something so I had evidence would it then be right in those circumstances to report a very loved family member for whom I only want good things? On the basis that if I didn’t, he is likely to end up in a foreign jail or dead?

Or I accept his fate is his own.

OP posts:
Original poster
cantbelieveimaskingthis2 · 18/08/2024 17:59

newyearsresolurion · 18/08/2024 17:55

Errrr reporting your baby brother to the POLICE when he hasn't committed a crime??? That's insane

But I think he has. Pretty bad crimes. Because nothing else really makes sense in terms of how he’s coming by all this cash. And I can kid myself probably he’s just doing stuff where no one gets hurt but really I don’t think you make that amount of money doing illegal stuff where no one gets hurt. I’m really worried.

OP posts:
newyearsresolurion · 18/08/2024 17:55

Errrr reporting your baby brother to the POLICE when he hasn't committed a crime??? That's insane

Original poster
cantbelieveimaskingthis2 · 18/08/2024 17:54

AyrshireTryer · 18/08/2024 17:51

Op - I think my brother is a drug smuggler
PC - What makes you think that
OP - He can afford many things I can't when he is on the dole.
PC - Have you seen him with drugs
OP - No
PC - erm...

I dunno - always has loads of cash (like money cash) and i suspect crimes… i sort of thought that would be interesting to the cops. Like a tip off. Maybe I’m being naive and they wouldn’t care.

OP posts:
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