Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider reporting him

215 replies

cantbelieveimaskingthis2 · 18/08/2024 17:25

I have a much younger brother who is now in his late 20s. He had a very difficult childhood as our parents have a lot of problems (disability, mental illness and some substance abuse), and whilst they love/d us, they often couldn’t care well for us. After I left home my bro was quite neglected, physically and emotionally.

I love him to bits, he was a gorgeous child. But I fear has not grown into a very nice adult.

The dilemma is this. He went to uni but having graduated with an ok degree, he has never had a job, ever. He doesn’t want to work in an office (fair enough) and has had various ideas but never settled on anything. However he rents a decent flat (i think a housing benefit scam maybe), always has plenty of disposable income. He travels extensively. He doesn’t live extravagantly but he has nice clothes, and travels well, ie: eats out for 3 meals a day for 6 months of the year when he is abroad.

It’s become apparent to me recently what is staring my family in the face which is there is no way he is coming by this money legally. My parents believe him when he says he’s just very frugal with his benefits money. But I know what things cost and there’s no way people on the dole can afford to be living it up in Thailand for months at a time? When I’ve asked him he’s given various excuses or deflections about investing in crypto but a few questions show he knows nothing about crypto so its obviously not true.

Our family are poor working class, there are no secret inheritances or anything.

So. I have concluded he’s probably up to no good but I can’t be sure. He‘s a gentle giant and i couldn’t imagine him harming anyone but he is a big bloke. He could if he wanted to. And with the amount of money and travel, it feels like he’s not small-time dabbling either. I have this feeling he’s doing something bad-bad. Something that could get him in real trouble. Or hurt. Or others hurt. But I have no evidence.

WIBU to report him to the police to try and force him out of whatever mess he is in?

I know for sure he will not listen even if I beg him to stop whatever it is I think he’s up to. After all he’s living his best life I guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
cantbelieveimaskingthis2 · 18/08/2024 19:48

WorriedMama12 · 18/08/2024 19:45

Would he necessarily tell you if he had? There are still high levels of shame for some people having mental health issues. I've not told my brother that I have a therapist, I know it's silly but I'm embarrassed.

I mean your brother won't engage with banks as he "doesn't trust them", random out of character bursts of anger/violence. A strong family history of mental health issues etc....do you think there's a possibility that he could have a diagnosis of something?

Edited
Show quote history

well mistrust of psychiatrists, being very critical of me getting a diagnosis for one child etc is pretty strong with him

OP posts:
Original poster
cantbelieveimaskingthis2 · 18/08/2024 19:47

As a general point on this thread it’s quite interesting. I’ve come on as I have a genuine moral conundrum - that i’ve sort of felt maybe i should be morally obligated if I suspected wrongdoing to report it.

Very much the mood music is no, just leave it. I tend to follow group consensus which is why I asked the question, because I want others’ input.

BUT one more question. Because I wonder is this the case for ANY scenario with a family member, we should never report to the police?

what if i suspected he was abusing his girlfriend?

what if i suspected he was a murderer?

what if i suspected he was a bank robber?

It seems to me that because I suspect he’s involved in drugs that maybe sways people as it’s seen as a victimless crime? But if i’m right (spoiler alert: i’m certain i’m right), loads of people will be being harmed as a result of his actions. I guess I’m just surprised.

Either way, I’ll follow the group view. I’ll tell him what I suspect. I imagine he’ll admit it (i know him and when cornered i think he’ll fess up). I’ll ask him to change his ways. He won’t, but at least i’ll feel i’ve done what i can.

OP posts:
WorriedMama12 · 18/08/2024 19:45

cantbelieveimaskingthis2 · 18/08/2024 19:38

Hm i don’t think so. I know he’s never engaged with MH services as he doesn’t agree with labels.

Show quote history

Would he necessarily tell you if he had? There are still high levels of shame for some people having mental health issues. I've not told my brother that I have a therapist, I know it's silly but I'm embarrassed.

I mean your brother won't engage with banks as he "doesn't trust them", random out of character bursts of anger/violence. A strong family history of mental health issues etc....do you think there's a possibility that he could have a diagnosis of something?

Original poster
cantbelieveimaskingthis2 · 18/08/2024 19:38

WorriedMama12 · 18/08/2024 19:33

Could he be on the high level of disability benefits for mental health? Due to trauma or other MH conditions? If so, he could be on a fair whack of money, especially if he doesn't have many other outgoings. 6 month trips abroad to SE Asia - can be done cheap as chips, you could live like a king out there really quite cheaply. £500 a month would be plenty for accommodation for the month and 3 meals out a day.

Hm i don’t think so. I know he’s never engaged with MH services as he doesn’t agree with labels.

OP posts:
Original poster
cantbelieveimaskingthis2 · 18/08/2024 19:37

ZippyDenimBear · 18/08/2024 19:29

Green eyed monster

I have said about a zillion times i am not jealous. I love him. I would be happy for him were it not for my concerns for his safety and my worries that people may be coming to harm along the way which I have a genuine moral dilemma about.

I have been very successful professionally so I have plenty of money of my own, that no one’s been harmed for.

OP posts:
Original poster
cantbelieveimaskingthis2 · 18/08/2024 19:34

ZippyDenimBear · 18/08/2024 19:28

I think you are really really jealous of your brother! You have no evidence at all of any (serious) wrongdoing, yet you want to report him to the police? For his own good?

Yeah right!

None of your business.

What would you do if it was your family member? As someone else posted a blind idiot could see he’s up to no good. Sure i don’t have proof-proof like a drugs-r-us ad with his face on but i am pretty sure legitimate people aren’t walking round with 2k in notes in their pockets because they ‘don’t trust banks’

OP posts:
WorriedMama12 · 18/08/2024 19:33

Could he be on the high level of disability benefits for mental health? Due to trauma or other MH conditions? If so, he could be on a fair whack of money, especially if he doesn't have many other outgoings. 6 month trips abroad to SE Asia - can be done cheap as chips, you could live like a king out there really quite cheaply. £500 a month would be plenty for accommodation for the month and 3 meals out a day.

cantbelieveimaskingthis2 · 18/08/2024 19:32

This reply has been hidden

This reply has been hidden until the MNHQ team can have a look at it.

ZippyDenimBear · 18/08/2024 19:29

Green eyed monster

ZippyDenimBear · 18/08/2024 19:28

I think you are really really jealous of your brother! You have no evidence at all of any (serious) wrongdoing, yet you want to report him to the police? For his own good?

Yeah right!

None of your business.

Original poster
cantbelieveimaskingthis2 · 18/08/2024 19:25

JLou08 · 18/08/2024 19:22

I would talk to them. You can't really think that reporting him to the police if he is smuggling drugs is the answer for your brother? Morraly for other victims of smuggling, maybe. But do you really think your brother getting caught with a large amount of drugs would save him? Those drugs confiscated by the police will be someones, they will belong to someone very dangerous and your brother losing them will put him in a lot of debt and potentially lead to his murder.
How do you know the trip was 10k? If has CCJs he has form for getting in debt so could be in debt again. He will probably be claiming ESA or PIP aswell as UC. You reporting him for being out of the country a lot will probably lead to his benefits being stopped. At which point crime would be his only means of an income.

Show quote history

All fair points.

i know the cost of the trip as i can do some basic maths on what the costs of flights is, accomodation per night etc. I travel a lot myself.

Also he often gives my dad big chunks of cash, many thousands (paper money cash) to wire to him in different places because he ‘doesn’t trust bank accounts’ 🤨

OP posts:
Deipara · 18/08/2024 19:23

I'm reading your posts OP and the sense I get is that you don't actually want to help your brother; but you're dressing it up like that. You want to grass him up for 'pretty bad crimes' that you have zero evidence of. Are you jealous of his lifestyle? That what this really is? Surely the first thing you would do if you are genuinely concerned is speak to your brother directly.

Original poster
cantbelieveimaskingthis2 · 18/08/2024 19:22

hereismydog · 18/08/2024 19:13

If I thought my little brother might be up to no good, I’d speak to HIM about my concerns before I went running to the police to tell them that I ‘just had a hunch’ Confused

You can say you’re doing it for his own good all you like, but I think the crux of it is that you are jealous of his lifestyle.

No very much not jealous. I’m happy with my life and i’d love his for him if i wasn’t worried that people are getting killed (ie: through the drugs trade) so that he can fund the lifestyle.

I can only keep saying this.

OP posts:
JLou08 · 18/08/2024 19:22

cantbelieveimaskingthis2 · 18/08/2024 19:09

Very much not the case. I love him. I have been very successful myself so I am not jealous of his money. But I can do the math and see that you can’t afford a £10k trip to asia by being really frugal and saving your universal credit.

he’s not in debt - he has ccjs against him so can’t borrow.

again, serious question, if you had a family member you had strong reasons to believe was involved in crime, would you just ignore it? If you worried a loved one was putting themselves at serious risk you wouldn’t do anything?

Show quote history

I would talk to them. You can't really think that reporting him to the police if he is smuggling drugs is the answer for your brother? Morraly for other victims of smuggling, maybe. But do you really think your brother getting caught with a large amount of drugs would save him? Those drugs confiscated by the police will be someones, they will belong to someone very dangerous and your brother losing them will put him in a lot of debt and potentially lead to his murder.
How do you know the trip was 10k? If has CCJs he has form for getting in debt so could be in debt again. He will probably be claiming ESA or PIP aswell as UC. You reporting him for being out of the country a lot will probably lead to his benefits being stopped. At which point crime would be his only means of an income.

Original poster
cantbelieveimaskingthis2 · 18/08/2024 19:17

Fiery30 · 18/08/2024 19:04

Please don't waste police time by reporting something for which you have absolutely no proof of. What do you expect the police to do- give him a caution to spend less? If you are that concerned about him, why don't you have the courage to ask him directly? Tell him you are worried. Instead of snooping around, handle the issue as a family.

Ok I’ll engage with this as though it’s a genuine comment though from your tone it sounds like you just want to have a pop at me.

I can ask him directly. But at this stage I’m certain I know the truth. So suppose he tells me the truth? I imagine he would if confronted. But then what? Ask him nicely to stop?

as for dealing with things as a family, not sure which family you’re referring to! I’ve explained parents with addiction problems and disabilities. They absolutely do not want to engage with reality and prefer to pretend it’s all fine and totally normal. There is no extended family, grandparents dead etc. No one who could help me with an intervention.

OP posts:
hereismydog · 18/08/2024 19:13

If I thought my little brother might be up to no good, I’d speak to HIM about my concerns before I went running to the police to tell them that I ‘just had a hunch’ Confused

You can say you’re doing it for his own good all you like, but I think the crux of it is that you are jealous of his lifestyle.

Demonhunter · 18/08/2024 19:13

Have you asked him how he's making a lot of money? Could you say you're struggling a bit financially and are looking for ways to make an extra income and wondering if he can give you some suggestions? If there's a perfectly innocent explanation would he not say "oh I've been doing such and such online work" or "it's just the benefits I receive so I can't help sorry" if he's a nice man surely he will have a reasonable reaction if you seem sincere.

Original poster
cantbelieveimaskingthis2 · 18/08/2024 19:09

JLou08 · 18/08/2024 19:04

Who needs enemies with a sister like you? Wow. You describe him as a good, kind man but are considering reporting him for something you think could be happening but have no evidence for.
Maybe he is on high level disability benefits due to mental health from the trauma of neglect. May also be in a lot of debt too. Sounds like he wants some luxury after having nothing as a child.
I honestly think you and the family you have spoken to are jealous to see your brother enjoying himself and want to tear him down.

Very much not the case. I love him. I have been very successful myself so I am not jealous of his money. But I can do the math and see that you can’t afford a £10k trip to asia by being really frugal and saving your universal credit.

he’s not in debt - he has ccjs against him so can’t borrow.

again, serious question, if you had a family member you had strong reasons to believe was involved in crime, would you just ignore it? If you worried a loved one was putting themselves at serious risk you wouldn’t do anything?

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 18/08/2024 19:07

@cantbelieveimaskingthis2 I totally understand your concern for him. But the problem is he doesn't seem to want your help or advice.
I can't think of a way to help him other than just keep being supportive emotionally from afar. Or not if it's too upsetting.
I think assuming he may be murdered might be a reach. If that is a genuine concern, I guess you should speak to the police. But with no evidence I don't know what they'll be able to do.

Original poster
cantbelieveimaskingthis2 · 18/08/2024 19:06

DadJoke · 18/08/2024 19:04

I don’t think that snitching on your brother as your go-to first option if you are concerned about him.

What would you do? Genuinely open for ideas here.

he is a very stubborn man and I am absolutely certain he will not change just because i ask him to.

if you had a family member you thought was doing possibly bad crime would you just ignore?

OP posts:
JLou08 · 18/08/2024 19:04

Who needs enemies with a sister like you? Wow. You describe him as a good, kind man but are considering reporting him for something you think could be happening but have no evidence for.
Maybe he is on high level disability benefits due to mental health from the trauma of neglect. May also be in a lot of debt too. Sounds like he wants some luxury after having nothing as a child.
I honestly think you and the family you have spoken to are jealous to see your brother enjoying himself and want to tear him down.

Fiery30 · 18/08/2024 19:04

Please don't waste police time by reporting something for which you have absolutely no proof of. What do you expect the police to do- give him a caution to spend less? If you are that concerned about him, why don't you have the courage to ask him directly? Tell him you are worried. Instead of snooping around, handle the issue as a family.

Original poster
cantbelieveimaskingthis2 · 18/08/2024 19:04

Maddy70 · 18/08/2024 18:57

Surely you would have a conversation with him rather than report him to the police for something you have no idea about and is in your head ?

That is toxic. It may be well-intentioned but if you can't see that then well...

Show quote history

I’m not averse to talking to him. I imagine if I set it out logically he’ll probably admit the truth. I haven’t done so far as I think on some level until recently I haven’t wanted to know the truth, i’d rather avoid it.

But I know him well and I know that even if he admits the truth he will not change his behaviour which has him on a one way track to a sticky end. It may be I just have to watch in horror and can’t save him. But i’d want to do something, anything.

I think we have different understandings of what toxic means. I don’t want to hurt him. I want to help him.

OP posts:
DadJoke · 18/08/2024 19:04

I don’t think that snitching on your brother as your go-to first option if you are concerned about him.

Maddy70 · 18/08/2024 18:57

cantbelieveimaskingthis2 · 18/08/2024 18:50

I think that’s unkind and unnecessary. I’ve made it clear in all my posts the reason I would even consider reporting him is because the only logical endpoint I can see is him getting killed, and I don’t want that to happen, because I love him. I’m worried just continuing to turn a blind eye isn’t going to help him with him getting worse and worse in trouble but I also don’t think just asking him nicely to change his lifestyle will work. I don’t see how that could be considered toxic? If you were worried about a family member being involved in crime what would you do? You’d ignore it?

Show quote history

Surely you would have a conversation with him rather than report him to the police for something you have no idea about and is in your head ?

That is toxic. It may be well-intentioned but if you can't see that then well...

Swipe left for the next trending thread