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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

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215 replies

cantbelieveimaskingthis2 · 18/08/2024 17:25

I have a much younger brother who is now in his late 20s. He had a very difficult childhood as our parents have a lot of problems (disability, mental illness and some substance abuse), and whilst they love/d us, they often couldn’t care well for us. After I left home my bro was quite neglected, physically and emotionally.

I love him to bits, he was a gorgeous child. But I fear has not grown into a very nice adult.

The dilemma is this. He went to uni but having graduated with an ok degree, he has never had a job, ever. He doesn’t want to work in an office (fair enough) and has had various ideas but never settled on anything. However he rents a decent flat (i think a housing benefit scam maybe), always has plenty of disposable income. He travels extensively. He doesn’t live extravagantly but he has nice clothes, and travels well, ie: eats out for 3 meals a day for 6 months of the year when he is abroad.

It’s become apparent to me recently what is staring my family in the face which is there is no way he is coming by this money legally. My parents believe him when he says he’s just very frugal with his benefits money. But I know what things cost and there’s no way people on the dole can afford to be living it up in Thailand for months at a time? When I’ve asked him he’s given various excuses or deflections about investing in crypto but a few questions show he knows nothing about crypto so its obviously not true.

Our family are poor working class, there are no secret inheritances or anything.

So. I have concluded he’s probably up to no good but I can’t be sure. He‘s a gentle giant and i couldn’t imagine him harming anyone but he is a big bloke. He could if he wanted to. And with the amount of money and travel, it feels like he’s not small-time dabbling either. I have this feeling he’s doing something bad-bad. Something that could get him in real trouble. Or hurt. Or others hurt. But I have no evidence.

WIBU to report him to the police to try and force him out of whatever mess he is in?

I know for sure he will not listen even if I beg him to stop whatever it is I think he’s up to. After all he’s living his best life I guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
cantbelieveimaskingthis2 · 18/08/2024 23:26

MissPeaches · 18/08/2024 23:23

They definitely wouldn’t give any credence or waste resources on a random woman’s vague suspicion about her brother appearing to live beyond his means, enjoy travel, and carry cash. Hope that helps.

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It does.

i do have more than vague suspicions, but whenever i post them mumsnet filter out my posts so we’ll just leave it there.

OP posts:
MissPeaches · 18/08/2024 23:23

cantbelieveimaskingthis2 · 18/08/2024 18:13

Thanks for this.

Clearly for me it’s easier not to do anything, just keep burying my head and telling myself how he makes money is none of my business even though people may be getting hurt and someone I love could be putting himself in danger.

But if I know the cops wouldn’t care anyway that makes it a bit easier.

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They definitely wouldn’t give any credence or waste resources on a random woman’s vague suspicion about her brother appearing to live beyond his means, enjoy travel, and carry cash. Hope that helps.

Original poster
cantbelieveimaskingthis2 · 18/08/2024 23:21

Lizzie67384 · 18/08/2024 23:21

Why don’t you just confront him then?!! Text him now and keep us updated? 😬

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I was thinking of doing that. I think it’ll need to be a call though. A text he can just delete

OP posts:
Original poster
cantbelieveimaskingthis2 · 18/08/2024 23:21

Lizzie67384 · 18/08/2024 23:20

And the multiple burner phones 🤣 I don’t think anyone even uses them anymore??

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I see him with more than one phone! Cheap ones. That he changes.

OP posts:
Lizzie67384 · 18/08/2024 23:21

cantbelieveimaskingthis2 · 18/08/2024 23:13

that’s an idea.

Like i said though i know i’m right. And i think if i confront him he’ll admit it.

My original question what seems about a hundred years ago now though is what i do with that knowledge.

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Why don’t you just confront him then?!! Text him now and keep us updated? 😬

Lizzie67384 · 18/08/2024 23:20

YouLookLikeStevieNicks · 18/08/2024 23:18

A lot of your posts don't really make sense OP, particularly the housing benefit stuff. If he's entitled to UC then he will get the housing element part of that which is a fixed amount (not very much for a single man with no dependents). That amount would be the same regardless of how expensive his flat is. There's no way he could be making a significant amount of money by "scamming" it. For example, where I live I think the housing element is capped at about £400 for a single person. You couldn't get even a studio for that, you would probably only just get a room in a shared house.

You also said he claimed unemployment just to do this housing benefit scam. Well surely if he was already unemployed he was already claiming UC? If not then he wasn't claiming benefits he was entitled to, doesn't sound like much of a scammer.

Based on this, I'd say you don't know as much as you think you do and in your position I wouldn't be risking my relationship with my brother with no evidence.

I also think "most drug dealers end up murdered" is a massive over exaggeration. That and some of the terminology you use ("the cops", "gangsters") make me think you're probably watching too many American crime dramas!

And the multiple burner phones 🤣 I don’t think anyone even uses them anymore??

Original poster
cantbelieveimaskingthis2 · 18/08/2024 23:19

YouLookLikeStevieNicks · 18/08/2024 23:18

A lot of your posts don't really make sense OP, particularly the housing benefit stuff. If he's entitled to UC then he will get the housing element part of that which is a fixed amount (not very much for a single man with no dependents). That amount would be the same regardless of how expensive his flat is. There's no way he could be making a significant amount of money by "scamming" it. For example, where I live I think the housing element is capped at about £400 for a single person. You couldn't get even a studio for that, you would probably only just get a room in a shared house.

You also said he claimed unemployment just to do this housing benefit scam. Well surely if he was already unemployed he was already claiming UC? If not then he wasn't claiming benefits he was entitled to, doesn't sound like much of a scammer.

Based on this, I'd say you don't know as much as you think you do and in your position I wouldn't be risking my relationship with my brother with no evidence.

I also think "most drug dealers end up murdered" is a massive over exaggeration. That and some of the terminology you use ("the cops", "gangsters") make me think you're probably watching too many American crime dramas!

Cops is quicker to type on phone 😂

OP posts:
YouLookLikeStevieNicks · 18/08/2024 23:18

A lot of your posts don't really make sense OP, particularly the housing benefit stuff. If he's entitled to UC then he will get the housing element part of that which is a fixed amount (not very much for a single man with no dependents). That amount would be the same regardless of how expensive his flat is. There's no way he could be making a significant amount of money by "scamming" it. For example, where I live I think the housing element is capped at about £400 for a single person. You couldn't get even a studio for that, you would probably only just get a room in a shared house.

You also said he claimed unemployment just to do this housing benefit scam. Well surely if he was already unemployed he was already claiming UC? If not then he wasn't claiming benefits he was entitled to, doesn't sound like much of a scammer.

Based on this, I'd say you don't know as much as you think you do and in your position I wouldn't be risking my relationship with my brother with no evidence.

I also think "most drug dealers end up murdered" is a massive over exaggeration. That and some of the terminology you use ("the cops", "gangsters") make me think you're probably watching too many American crime dramas!

Original poster
cantbelieveimaskingthis2 · 18/08/2024 23:18

Bournetilly · 18/08/2024 23:08

Ask him then go from there. If he’s carrying around thousands on him why would he bother with the housing benefit scam for £100 a week.

Unlikely but it is possible he’s won the lottery.

Edited

I have no idea on the housing benefit scam.

he did mention at one point he had 40k in an offshore account but he said it was from crypto.*

i don’t know why he’d say that (which was easily proven to be untrue) if he could have just said he’d won it on a bet or lottery or something.

*before anyone jumps on me because he’s said he doesn’t trust banks I KNOW none of this makes sense. I am repeating various things he’s done and said at various times, all of which point in the same direction. But I have preferred to turn my head for years when i got this nonsense from him, to keep the peace. And now it’s just too obvious.

OP posts:
LibertyPrime · 18/08/2024 23:14

cantbelieveimaskingthis2 · 18/08/2024 23:13

that’s an idea.

Like i said though i know i’m right. And i think if i confront him he’ll admit it.

My original question what seems about a hundred years ago now though is what i do with that knowledge.

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holy trinity the amount of assumptions you have there, even if you had truth serum it would be no certainty that you would get the intel you wanted

Original poster
cantbelieveimaskingthis2 · 18/08/2024 23:13

lolit · 18/08/2024 23:08

Does he have an ex you can ask if she knows anything about what he's up to?

that’s an idea.

Like i said though i know i’m right. And i think if i confront him he’ll admit it.

My original question what seems about a hundred years ago now though is what i do with that knowledge.

OP posts:
Original poster
cantbelieveimaskingthis2 · 18/08/2024 23:11

BarHumbugs · 18/08/2024 23:07

Do we all have a moral obligation to report OP to the police and HMRC for paying her builders with cash and therefore most likely avoiding tax?

You’d be most welcome to. I’d be able to show the invoice showing i paid the vat. If the builder’s preference is for cash thats his business.

Tax avoidance is wrong. Benefits fraud is wrong. Drug trafficking is really super duper wrong.

OP posts:
LibertyPrime · 18/08/2024 23:09

Bournetilly · 18/08/2024 23:08

Ask him then go from there. If he’s carrying around thousands on him why would he bother with the housing benefit scam for £100 a week.

Unlikely but it is possible he’s won the lottery.

Edited

that too,

LibertyPrime · 18/08/2024 23:08

@cantbelieveimaskingthis2 The other option then is the 3 wise people, hear no evil, speak no evil and see no evil ?

Bournetilly · 18/08/2024 23:08

Ask him then go from there. If he’s carrying around thousands on him why would he bother with the housing benefit scam for £100 a week.

Unlikely but it is possible he’s won the lottery.

Lizzie67384 · 18/08/2024 23:08

BarHumbugs · 18/08/2024 23:01

Maybe you should tell him it's not the 1990s anymore, modern phones take more than one sim card at a time so you can use multiple numbers but not look like a drug dealer.

Edited
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I’m imagining “the wire” right now

lolit · 18/08/2024 23:08

Does he have an ex you can ask if she knows anything about what he's up to?

imverynosey · 18/08/2024 23:07

Omg leave him alone! Don't be a grass, and also don't get involved you don't know how dangerous things like that can be if there's drugs involved etc. seriously you need to back off

BarHumbugs · 18/08/2024 23:07

Do we all have a moral obligation to report OP to the police and HMRC for paying her builders with cash and therefore most likely avoiding tax?

Original poster
cantbelieveimaskingthis2 · 18/08/2024 23:06

LibertyPrime · 18/08/2024 23:01

he could be a stock broker on wall street etc

He definitely isn’t!

i don’t think it‘s feasible that he has a legitimate, yet secret job. Thats so secret he has to make out on his socials that he’s unemployed? And that lets him travel all the time?

c’mon. I’d love that to be true. But I don’t think it is.

OP posts:
Lizzie67384 · 18/08/2024 23:06

BarHumbugs · 18/08/2024 23:03

Same reason he's flashing wads of £1000s but letting her always pay for dinner I assume!

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I thought drug smugglers were known for their generosity 🤷‍♀️ 🤣

Testingthetimes · 18/08/2024 23:04

Hi op
I don’t have a clear view on this so I suspect what I write will be a bunch of a contradictory things.

  • you are right. A prison sentence in the UK is so very much more favourable than court proceedings and punishment elsewhere. The UK, whilst not perfect, has a judicial system, and prisons that meet some criteria.
  • It sounds as though you are very clear what the reality is regarding his income and that it’s not a suspicion. That’s a hard thing to live with.
  • prisons in the UK, whilst better than Mexico or Dubai, are still awful places to be. Not many people come out ‘better’ than they went in. Their ability to get employment, get a bank account, rent a home, get insurance are all very damaged after. Of course on top of that there is the complete degradation of physical and mental health that happens to most who have to spend time locked up. It’s better than death in Mexico but still not an experience tahg I believe helps 99% of people.
  • you are his big sister and your instinct is to fix this. It might be that you can’t. Drug money is easy. And after making that amount of cash people don’t want to go and work in Tesco or go back into education etc and earn tiny sums (in comparison).
  • drugs , crime etc takes people into a certain world and you remain a link to who he is, his family background etc. I think keeping that connection open is key.
  • boundsries are also vital. If trouble does come knocking you need to protect your family and children.
i wish you well. It can’t be easy.
cantbelieveimaskingthis2 · 18/08/2024 23:04

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BarHumbugs · 18/08/2024 23:03

Lizzie67384 · 18/08/2024 23:02

Also why would he be flashing his multiple burner phones to his sister? Wouldn’t he just use telegram, kik or a similar app?

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Same reason he's flashing wads of £1000s but letting her always pay for dinner I assume!

LibertyPrime · 18/08/2024 23:03

BarHumbugs · 18/08/2024 23:02

And probably loves winding up his fantasist sister!

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i did not think of that aspect, it could be that too

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