To think you should compliment someone’s home?

What's wrong with just saying: "Thanks for having me round, it's lovely to see you." I don't get the pressure to compliment the house itself.

I have thought about this way too much. I think the 2 camps just engage in different types of friendships, like the rules of engaging is different. 'being polite' isn't something I expect or want from my friends. thats for the hundreds of aquaintences and strangers that people interact with. I value honesty, integrity, authenticity, humour blah blah blah. but being polite does not feature. I don't want a friend to tell me that my hair is nice, when it isnt I want to be able to trust that a friend will tell me the truth

Yes, as it can’t be easily changed. Sometimes a little white lie to make a friend or loved one feel good about themselves is a good thing to do. Why make someone feel shit by pointedly ignoring something.

And if the haircut looks awful but they've had it done to (say) impress an ex at an event they are going to, or because they will be in the spotlight (e.g. bridesmaid at a wedding) is telling them it looks great really the best thing to do?

My house is not gorgeous. It is perfectly nice, but it's also very cluttered and some areas are badly in need of decoration.

If a friend came round and told me it was gorgeous because they felt it was a nice thing to say, I would make a mental note not to trust that friend's opinion on anything in the future. And, as I would know they were lying, it wouldn't make me feel good - it would make me wonder why my friend thought I needed buoying up.

I value my friends' honesty more than their fake compliments. If they've come round to see me, I hope they enjoy the time they spend with me, and maybe they could make a remark about that instead?

Yes because what harm is there in making someone uou love or care about feel good about themselves. If you’re so so focused on you must never tell a little white lie. Ever. Like you’re 4. Then phrase it in a way that’s true. The length is great, the colour is great. The shape is fantastic , whatever.

If they love their new home and it's the first time I've been, I would certainly find something positive and enthusiastic today.

'What a bright room'
'This is such a lovely size'
'I wish our garden was as a big'
'I'm so happy for you, it's lovely'

It would feel been strange to me not to be positive about something so important.

“This room has exactly the same proportions, on a smaller scale of course, to the throne room in Buckingham Palace!”

So you’d compliment a bad hair cut, allowing a friend to think it’s a good thing and repeat the style? Whereas I wouldn’t comment and I’m the rude one?

Then you are a disingenuous friend

The amount of times I’ve said ‘love the new hair’ when someone’s had an obvious change even if I think they look considerably worse….!

I agree OP and all those saying ‘I wouldn’t lie’…I bloody would! ‘Ah your house is gorgeous’ when invited round just feels the nice thing to say and makes people feel good. Why wouldn’t you?

But this is exactly it... a compliment delivered in a heart felt manner. What the OP and others are talking about here is "shoulds", "manners", "being polite", "finding something to like". It is all forced and fake.
And if you refuse to fake it, you are now labeled jealous. Total madness.. It's like people forgot how to have relationships and, instead, are walking around with rule books.
Compliment the house. Tick

It is of no surprise at all that the posters who have - in a spectacular misinterpretation of the OP - turned this into a thread about “deliberately lying to a friend” are the same posters who think paying compliments is weird.

Agreed, but that isn't what the OP asked

@NewName24 I was responding directly to the poster who I quoted who was claiming it’s not normal to to say nice things about the things your friends care about or see interested in, not the OP

although in any event the Op explicitly asks about how you behave on a first visit, so I don’t think she does mean paying a compliment on every visit

the idea that those of us that don't feel the need to make insincere comments about a person's decor are the ones with poor social skills is ridiculous

I think what it shows is that the house-commenters should all stick together, keeping each other happy with weird platitudes. and the none-house commenters can just avoid the inanity of it. and best the 2 groups don't mix!

how would I know if my friends were making weird small talk about the inside of my house and lying about admiring parts of it?? give over! 🤣

🤣🤣🤣

and also lying to your friends is damn rude. if they have something new in their house, then you would comment wouldn't you. but it's flipping weirdly formal and insincere to comment on someone's house for the sake of it. its more LIKELY that you might be moved to comment on a new hairstyle, jumper, pet etc...but otherwise don't you just get down to the chat about what's going on in each others lives?

Agreed, but that isn't what the OP asked.

She seems to suggest that every time you go into a house, you should comment on it.
That's just weird.
I'm picking my sister up tomorrow to go somewhere - I'm not going to say "Ooh, nice carpet / settee / curtains" when I get there. I've seen them before.

Two weeks ago, I went to the home of someone I've known a few years for a BBQ. Their home hasn't (to my eyes) changed from when I was last there about 2 years ago, so I didn't comment on it. I asked about her, and her life and what she was up to now, and what the dc were up to now. Because I am interested in her not her house.

It’s always possible to say something positive.

My favourite example of all time, from The Good Life. Barbara and Tom had made Margot and Jerry (hideous) jumpers on their home made loom. Jerry opened the newspaper package, looked at the contents askance for a second or two then said along the lines of “I can honestly say, that on the right occasion, these would be the perfect things to wear” . Boom. 🤣

For the vast majority of people of course saying nice things about the things your friends care about or interested in is totally normal.

Of course it is.

especially if they went out and bought the curtains last week.

obviously you don’t compliment the curtains every time you go round until the end of time. Once will do, and if they’re absolutely ghastly then you’re not compelled to say something nice but really none of this is hard!

if your friend has been excited to get the curtains and she’s saved up for months/had the especially shipped from Mongolia/ hand sewed them herself then it’s actually quite mean to ignore them entirely

As usual, the MN ableism is strong.

I wouldn’t lie because it’s not in my natural due to my neurodivergence so I wouldn’t compliment something I didn’t think needed complimenting.
I would show my friendship by asking my friend about themselves and if they’d just moved house or redecorated etc I would probably ask a logistical question about whatever the scenario is.

Yes it is, it's making conversation.