To expect a 13/14 yo to get themselves out the door in the morning

my son is the same age and has to get himself out the door in the morning, we make sure his bag is packed the night before (gym kit/homework etc) and uniform is out and ready, I wake him before I leave - he used to have alarms on his phone to keep him on track

• get in shower
• eat breakfast
• get dressed
• 5mins until you need to leave
• time to leave

In my experience some kids just need someone there to chivvy them.along. . u can't be there, so she will just hsve to leave the same time as u and wait for bus

My father always helped me pack my bag and keep my uniform, socks, shoes all ready in the night. Yes, occasionally there was a last minute rush, mostly due to me being slow.

I’d add these supports op, but the bottom line is many children start boarding at 13 and have to manage so I don’t think you are asking something totally age inappropriate. You might also find building in some of the tips for adhd might help ( setting alarms for different stages, start breakfast etc).

I think a good talk is necessary too, about how you have no option but to do things this way, what way can you best support etc . The phoning you en route gives me a slight suspicion there might be an element of attention-seeking from you in it. Normally by this age they might think “ oh crap: I can’t find my charger” but would know that you can’t find it from the car …

What sort of disasters are you talking about OP?

I'd be (getting her to) do a print out of her timetable so she can see what lessons she has the next day, including marking the calendar up with A and B weeks if necessary.

Then it's a main list for "normal lessons" and subsidiary lists for anything where she has to take weird stuff e.g. food tech, PE etc. If it fixes it you might be well off having one list for each timetable day. Yes it feels crazy but if what you're doing at the moment isn't working the only solution is to change what you're doing.

Then it's getting her to do the whole list the night before so that everything that has the potential to be a disaster is run through. Then if she has a disaster like sleeping through her alarm or whatever you can at least just stump up for a school lunch and she can zoom out the door.

The alternative would be to suggest she gets up earlier and then does an hour's homework before she leaves (alarms set to remind her to stop and lock up etc on a smart speaker?). You never know, she might prefer this if she's struggling.

Some people always struggle to get out the door so it's about working with them to create a scaffolding that allows them to then create their own scaffolding for things they need to do as an adult.

She packs her bag the night before and gets uniform ready. You check it. She gets up same time as you and b the morning and gets dressed and ready before you leave. Bag is by the door and she's eating breakfast. All she has to do is walk out the door. Alarm on her phone for time she needs to leave.

You could also create an incentive for getting to school on time.

It's not an unpopular opinion, more a completely irrelevant one. OP doesn't have the option to not work.

As PP have said, I would make sure she is fully ready before you leave the house. 13 is a tricky age, your expectations are not unreasonable but your 13 is not unreasonable to not be able to manage them,

It really isn’t - you are talking about learned helplessness there, which can be caused by over parenting

Some kids need more help, like the OP’s, but most can sort it by this age fine. Even the more organisationally challenged can be sorted - the OP is not going to have to give up her job..

On average yes, but clearly yours struggles with organisation so she can’t.

So help her build that skill by using checklists, getting everything prepped the night before etc - she’ll get it she just needs more help than most (does she struggle with this at school too)?)

Work with her to see what will work for her. Ask her where she thinks the problems are and get her to suggest solutions (or make her think they are their idea) maybe a white board with each day on? Or up and dressed and ready when you leave then can have an hour having breakfast, homework or chilling with everything ready. Mine dither about after shower etc and I try to encourage them to only do that (pick up phones etc) after they are totally ready

Nah, my DS managed it from age 11 with no disasters, I worked full time.

Sit down with her and ask her what she thinks would help.

Checklists etc more likely to work if she has written it, been involved in the idea.

Don't lay out her clothes and pack her bag. Encourage her to do it the night before. I do that for my 5 year old, the 7 year old sorts himself out...

My 13 year old can and will and has done for over a year

It's rare that he has to . His dad starts work at 7am so leaves 6.30, DSs school bus is 7.45. Most days I leave for work at 7.50 but I do an on call overnight once a week so if I've been called in then he may be getting himself up and out. I do text him to make sure he's up and he will text me to say he's on the bus.

Does your daughters high school offer a breakfast club? Our high schools offer this, it isn't something they have to sign up for as it's available to all students, so they open the doors 1 hour early for students who wish to attend.

If this is an option, could you drop her off after dropping your younger 2 off or vice versa?

Can you put together a check list, and also get her to do what she can the night before

I don't think the age that a child "should" be able to do these things is a helpful way to think about. Just like adults, they're all different so just because some could completely do this at 11, another may not be able to at 17. Plenty of adults on here still disorganised, late, messy etc. If you can't change the logistics, as others have said, it's about doing as much as possible the night before.

I’ve got one who could do it with no problem and one who is hopeless and would be late every day if we didn’t encourage him along. I’m at home so I can do it. In your case I agree with the suggestion that she gets up earlier and gets completely ready before you leave then she can have some free time or homework time with an alarm set to be out the door for the bus.

This is unpopular opinion, but this is exactly the reason I was a sahm mum for so many years. Then when I did work, I never started before 10am. My kids can get home on their own, but waking up and getting out the door with no parental supervision is just a disaster waiting to happen.

You need to help her help herself.

So night before get everything ready by the front door. Lunch if she needs it...ready in fridge next to water bottle and in some place every day. Pe kit and school books already sorted out so she just needs to pick up and go. School shoes and coat next to them and bus pass. Uniform laid out in her room.

Not everyone is naturally organised and it is a skill which needs to be learnt.

Help her run through her routine and time it, OP - then set up a run of alarms on her phone so she knows how much time she has for each task.
My daughter (slightly younger) has no concept of time so this helps her to focus on what she needs to be doing and when.

I agree with getting her up and completely ready before you leave. Then all she has to do is walk out the door at the right time. However, maybe she is just not ready to be left for that hour?

My DS is exactly the same age. I need to leave for work an hour before he needs to be at school. When he started Y7, I tried leaving him to sort himself out so he could sleep longer. He soon started being really sad and anxious. When we dug into this it became apparent that he wasn't coping with waking up alone and then also coming home to an empty house sometimes.

Now, he gets up and ready an hour earlier and I take him to his dad's office and they go for coffee together every morning (DH goes to work at 5.30am and has a coffee at 7am ish anyway). DH just asked him yesterday whether he still wanted to do coffee in the mornings next year or take himself to school later- he still wants the coffee. He should be OK to be alone at his age- but he isn't and we just have to work with that.

i did this from age 11. I even had to feed the dog and make my mum a cup of tea. Yes, there were days that i messed up but mostly it was fine. Can you not practice with her at the weekend? Or set reminders on her phone?

I have a 13 year old and yes, I am around in the morning but he gets himself up and ready and ready to go. He packs his bag the night before and checks his timetable to see if he needs things like PE kit. He hangs up uniform the night before so he knows he has everything.
I make breakfast for him and his brother but he knows what time he has to leave so works back from then.
It really only works though because of night before organising.

so because she cannot organise herself I would tell her she has to get up much earlier and be completely ready for school before you leave for work in a morning? then all she has to do is use the extra hour to perhaps have breakfast and read until it’s time to leave. Alarm set on phone as a reminder, 5 mins before she has to set off for the bus. If she wants the extra hour in bed she has to prove that she is capable of organising her time effectively so that she isn’t late?