Fed up with dh and sex life

Sex is quite a key part of marriage though - and more importantly, treating your partner like their needs matter is a really key part of marriage.

If he won’t do this, it doesn’t bode well for your long term emotional intimacy, and you’ll end up with a dead marriage, which isn’t a good example to your daughter.

And that’s apart from the drinking which I’d be really worried about for everyone’s sake.

If it can’t be resolved and you really won’t consider separating, then another option is to talk to him about opening your marriage up - which is pretty last resort for most people.

But she won't leave him and she said that he's not willing. She said he is loving though.

If he's not willing and she won't leave then she doesn't have many other options.

It wouldn't be a solution that's very tasteful, but would he be up for you having a more open marriage? He's prioritising his boozing over your sex life, maybe he wouldn't be bothered if you went out with a FWB while he stayed in drinking?

It's a pretty big age gap, I know in previous generations and cultures it is/was normal, but it creates issues (like you're having) where people are just in different spaces and want different things.

I'm assuming at your current age he had a decent sex life? But he's asking you to give your sex life up, basically forever if you stay together or you are a young widow. It's a lot, especially as you are likely to become his carer for a number of your healthy years, just as you are released from the 'burden' of raiding your family, and possibly lose him when you hit retirement age and your health begins to decline.
You would think he would be more appreciative of you, but I guess he's starting to slip less into middle-age and more into old age?

Sorry but it sounds like you are so hyper focused on the intercourse part. You both need to stop seeing that as the end goal. Kissing, cuddling, spending time together is what matters. Sex may or may not happen as part of that intimate time, and that’s okay. Chill out about penetration.

You say But he doesn't prioritise my feelings or needs, it's all about getting it done when's convenient for him, but also When we have sex it's good it just feels like such an effort to get it going.

Does he prioritise you during sex, or is the end point you’re both aiming for his orgasm? Would he have sex without the viagra? You could have sex without the aim being PIV, and him climaxing. Do you ever do that? Is he excited by the idea of satisfying you?

The drinking sounds like it might be a significant problem. But also, is he stressed out? Is his job stressful/shift work/long hours? If you’re financially dependent on him, is that taking a bit of a toll? Having a young child in the house is often a dampener on sex lives because parents often find it hard to relax, to make the time and to be healthy (especially if they’re on the older side). You may just need a bit of patience until your DC gets older (but don’t have another or it will take longer and you’ll both find it even harder).

Why are you scheduling sex?

Does he watch porn regularly op? Not as an attack comment. Xx

You are mismatched sexually IMHO. But I think you have unrealistic expectations, you have a young child and a husband who is quite a bit older than you. He isn't going to have the stamina of a young lover.

What was your sex life like before children?
Im asking as this might manage your expectations. If it was amazing before then there is a good chance you will get it back once your child is older (able to sleep through the night etc) however if it was only average during your dating phase it's only going to get worse and so you need to mentally accept an unsatisfied sex life if your not willing leave.

She's saying that she won't leave though. And she's not going to have a healthy sexual relationship with this man. So what other option does she have?

This isnt to do with his age. What you're describing is normal for men with ED and who needs Viagra.

He's a bit young though. Is there an underlying reason?

What age was he when you met?

@Quitelikeit no he doesn't stay hard continuously for 3 days only when he becomes aroused.

I think he’s showing his age here. And others will come along and say no it’s not that and they know plenty of 50 plus men (and women) who want a lot of sex and whatever else - but - generally people do slow down when they get to 50 odd and don’t really want to be having sex at bedtime when they’re knackered and most just want to sleep. I know that doesn’t really help you though but I really do think the age thing is massive thing here; just in terms of energy levels. There’s an 8 year gap between me and dh (I’m older) and we laugh about it but we really notice it now.

A vibrator is not a replacement for an actual sexual relationship

Has he had a checkup? ED can be down to cardiovascular problems for example. Is he under a lot of stress? That can lead to lack of libido and ED. Is he a heavy drinker or overweight?

If he's tired in the evening, what about the morning or the weekend? Can you get a wedge or a lock for the bedroom door to allow him to feel secure?

Have to spoken to him honestly about how you feel? Is there any other intimacy in the relationship? Can you both work on rebuilding that?

Oh my god a vibrator doesn’t exactly replace proper sex ??

it sounds a bit rubbish op

@Mamofteenager what so you stay erect for 3 days?

how on earth can he leave the house

Get a high inside lock on the door, then he doesn’t have to worry about your child coming in

.. but obviously that’s not the main issue.

The drinking sounds a real cause for concern, but basically I would tell him that your marriage is in danger if this doesn’t improve.

Ultimately though the chances are it’s just run its course.

Why can’t you make a plan to leave if he doesn’t make an effort?

Just buy a vibrator?

Has he tried Cialis OP? It is similar to Viagra but lasts 72 hours so in theory he could take it and then know he is "good to go" for the next few days. This may allow for a bit more spontaneity.