Fed up with dh and sex life

My partner is 54 and we have sex every night pretty much and some mornings / he needs to have a frank conversation about needs and get a lock for the door

Sound advice

Get him to try focused shockwave for ed

He can pleasure you in other ways without penetration. He just being lazy and selfish

OP you need counselling. If he loves you and wants to keep his marriage and family, he will agree to it. Sex is a very important part of a relationship, otherwise you're just flatmates, friends. It is totally ok to break your marriage if you are unhappy sexually. Your happiness matters too. 50 is far, far too young to be needing viagra. He needs to find out what is physically wrong with him, go to the GP and get tests. He needs to put in the effort, or else go your separate ways. Because without the sex it's just not a marriage is it. It's just a friendship. Or flatmates. And his drinking needs addressing, clearly it's affecting his ability. He cannot drink heavily if he has ED.

If he drinks heavily it will be affecting his erections.

I think another poster gave a good suggestion, why not take penetrative sex off the table for the times around the 'scheduled' times, like say to him 'let's try and be spontaneous with intimacy at other times, with penetrative not being the end goal' so you both relax without worrying if he's going to get an erection?

If his drinking ia interfering with your sex life together then he is drinking to excess.

Men experience andropause in the same way women have menopause. Fatigue and erectile dysfunction being two symptoms from age fifty.

I've seen you post almost exactly the same post before. You know what you need to do and you can't/won't do it. What are you hoping to hear?

Have you actually spoken to him? If not this is your first port of call. This may be easily resolved, if you haven’t spoken to him you just won’t know

It doesn’t sound like he’s overly keen. Scheduled sex is always a bad idea. Consent cannot be granted in advance.

Yes, it is. 😁
My husband is three decades older (74) and very healthy, not indifferent to sex life.
I stopped voluntarily at 40, loathed sex since teenage years and couldn't be happier now.
He's fine with that.

Actually I think a lot of this can be fixed.
He stops drinking. That really is not doing his ED any good.
He gets a health MOT. Lots of health issues make spontaneous sex difficult.
You both are knackered. That's just something that happens when you have small children, especially if you both work too.
When would you like to have sex, if not early evening? How can you achieve that?
And please get a bolt for your door. Thinking you are going to be disturbed if you are having sex is really off putting.
If you don't find that scheduling sex works for you then what would?
Why do you think parents sometimes have early nights?

OP I think you need a reality check.

You married a man 14 years older than you.

It is hardly a surprise that he feels the strain more than you do of looking after young kids and trying to maintain the same sex life than when he was younger.

I wonder if he's mentally switched off because it's stressful to him having to schedule it in time with taking Viagra. However this is kind of selfish because it's not taking your own needs into account. How is he when you discuss it? Does he shut down talk about it or change the subject?

If he doesn't want to do it in the morning that doesn't mean he couldn't be open to trying new things with you then without the penetration? Would take the pressure of him but releases some of your sexual frustrations whilst still being close and loving towards each other. Then he can still schedule on an evening but it might perhaps not feel such a chore because he's given you some satisfaction at other times?

Just a thought.

Is it the amount of sex you're having which is disappointing or the quality? I only ask because I usually have sex once or twice a week. There are many weeks it's just the once. Sometimes I even go two weeks! However, the sex is really great, so it leaves me feeling satisfied. No complaints here. It seems like the quality of the sex isn't satisfying you here, which is an issue. Also, your sex drives aren't matching up. I would sit down and have a proper conversation about it and see how things could improve going forward

I suspect many people here haven't been in OP's position.

Why is sex scheduled? Because viagra takes time to work and it should be mutually consensual.

It also gives him unequal levels of control because penetration only happens when he makes it so.
Along with a whole bag of emotions about not feeling desirable.

It's a horrible situation all around.

Talking to him is extremely unlikely to change anything. Very few dead bedrooms are fixed and the OPs doesn't sound like it will be the rare one that will. She doesn't say how long she has been with him but he's had ED for the whole time they've been together. And it's an otherwise loving relationship, but yet he still doesn't want to do it.

The OP actually asked for ways to improve or accept the situation. And some are saying to go down the accept route

So? My partner is 69 - 21 years older than me and we have an active sex life.

PP - the OP knows vibrators exist. She doesn’t need MN to tell her that.

She’s not ‘never going to leave’ either, no one is. She just isn’t at that point yet.

Right now, here to explore her options on how to talk to him about this, and to find out how difficult other people would find it to be in her position.

It's a pretty big age gap, I know in previous generations and cultures it is/was normal, but it creates issues (like you're having) where people are just in different spaces and want different things.

I'm assuming at your current age he had a decent sex life? But he's asking you to give your sex life up, basically forever if you stay together or you are a young widow. It's a lot, especially as you are likely to become his carer for a number of your healthy years, just as you are released from the 'burden' of raiding your family, and possibly lose him when you hit retirement age and your health begins to decline

All so true. This is why I don’t date older men. The oldest man I’ve been with was 4 years older than me.

Yes obviously but he doesn't want to have sex with her, and she said she's not going to leave!

No wonder he has ED if he drinks