Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did my fiancé cheat or AIBU?

81 replies

UmberKoala · 17/08/2024 20:32

I (F31) have a partner (M33) I've been with for 8 years. I wish we were married with kids already but, we're happy and are planning to have a baby soon.
We share a computer, a few months ago I went on and his Facebook account was already open when I went to log in.
A message popped up from a women, I didn't recognise her so I snooped through the messages which, I know was a bit wrong of me! There was nothing too bad and it was mainly her messaging him. I just think what she was sending was weird, she sent a selfie of herself at Easter wearing easter bunny ears and she was constantly trying to start chats with him and asking why he doesn't reply. Another thing I found weird is that she had asked him to have a phone call at one point and he said to give him a few mins as I was upstairs in bed and he'd go for a walk to take it. I confronted him and he said there was nothing to it, she's a colleague from work that messages him and needed some advice. I let it go!
Fast forward a few months to a couple of weeks ago. We had a major argument, I said I was finished - sick of waiting for marriage, kids e.c.t. I've apologised for this and said I was in the wrong. After the argument he stayed at his parents to get some space. I since found out he wasn't at his parents he was somewhere else. I snooped again, there were bookings for two on his emails and a restaurant booking. I saw a future booking for a hotel bar. I confronted him - he said he cancelled the booking and it was originally for me and him. Fast forward to yesterday and I'm absolutely devastated I found him at that booking at the hotel bar, with the colleague I was worried about a few months ago.
He still says he's never cheated. I'm so angry, I know we had a massive argument and I wasn't perfect but for the last few weeks I feel like all he's done is lie to me.
He's obviously been a massive idiot and crossed the line but AIBU to think he's fully cheated. I'm just so confused, I trusted him so much and it feels like my life's just been destroyed.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
MeliBee · 26/08/2024 19:18

Even if he wouldn’t have cheated, you want some important things for your life that he obviously doesn’t want. Time is precious. You deserve someone that wants this things too or at least to be free to start something with a serious man that wants the same things that you want when that person comes up, not to be tied to a life you don’t want with someone that doesn’t even care about your wishes. That’s not fair for you. You deserve better. Maybe he’s doing you a favor by being such an idiot.

Nantescalling · 26/08/2024 14:17

You will definitely be better off without him. You may never know whetherhe got herr nto bed or not but does it matter? Months of innocent advice iving - my ars...!

Diarygirlqueen · 26/08/2024 08:39

I'm so sorry to hear this, but you've done the absolute right thing, 8 years and this is how he treats you?. Please don't let this spineless and weak man take any more from you. Sending positive vibes and wish you the best of luck.

Original poster
UmberKoala · 25/08/2024 23:26

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 22/08/2024 20:20

Presumably you confronted him at the hotel bar?

What happened?

I said hello to the woman, asked her if she's friends with him. She said yes, I repeatedly asked her for a name, she wouldn't tell me. I asked her if she knew this was my fiancé, she stopped talking at this point.
He said "my name, do not do this".
I told him it was the final straw e.c.t and walked off.

I've left him now. Apparently, he came after me. Obviously he didn't try too hard since he never caught up to me What pissed me off even more and made me ring the estate agents the next day....he said she was upset.
I'm beside myself, I'm raging!! I'm also completely done!

OP posts:
EC22 · 25/08/2024 14:27

You said you were done, be done, don’t waste any more of your life with him.

wingsanddreams · 25/08/2024 14:16

He's cheating. No need to feel bad about checking him behind his back, how else are you going to find out the truth? Cut it sooner than later you can recover from it sooner. Don't have a baby with him.

AmIEnough · 25/08/2024 08:40

It really makes no difference whether he’s cheated or not, it’s how he’s made you feel that’s important and now that you’ve lost trust in him and he’s hurt you so deeply I can’t see any way forward. You need to end the relationship, you deserve better. I’m sorry for you and wish you all the best.

Mrsgreen100 · 24/08/2024 08:05

Lying
cheating
find your power and get rid
thank goodness you didn’t have knee do with him
sounds as if he is spinning you a lot of crap
do not believe a word of it
been there , very similar situation, only I just
kept on thinking I was overreacting etc
get on get rid

helpplease01 · 24/08/2024 07:13

Leave him. He’s not committed to you, do not waste any more time with him. Move on.

AccidentalTourism · 23/08/2024 22:19

Aquamarine1029 · 17/08/2024 22:06

Your life hasn't been destroyed, op, it was just saved. Finding out now what a piece of shit he is is literally the best thing that's ever happened to you. I appreciate you may not realise this yet, but you absolutely will in the future. Finding out he's shit now has saved you immeasurable grief and hardship.

Dry your eyes and forge ahead. Your relationship with him is complete, and now you can move on.

A thousand times this. Get rid of the man, get rid of the drama.

2sisters · 23/08/2024 21:28

Just walk away. You can't trust him. He's a liar at best. I wouldn't get married or bring a baby into this relationship. It's done.

Ellie56 · 23/08/2024 21:26

Chickychoccyegg · 17/08/2024 20:36

From what you've written it sounds like he's cheating, and along side his reluctance to commit, I'd move on.

As is often the case the first post has nailed it.

You're worth more than this. Dump the twat and run for the hills.

Alwaysinamood · 23/08/2024 21:18

Sounds like he’s been gas lighting you!! You deserve better x

Toptops · 23/08/2024 21:13

It's over. He's cheating at worst and refusing to commit to you at best, looking for a better offer.
Sorry. Please dump him and move on.

Shazam2 · 23/08/2024 21:02

I would say it’s time to dump him and move on

Proudofmynane · 23/08/2024 20:49

How much worse will you feel in your future with him, pregnant or with a child at home, knowing that he's out with someone else? Fully cheated??? Really?? Booking places to go and spend time with another woman is CHEATING whether they had sex that time or not!! It is cheating, and you deserve sooooo much better. Your dream man, and the future you want is out there!! You're not going to find him while you're hanging onto this dead relationship!!

Cnf1 · 23/08/2024 20:39

This must be so painful for you, OP. After all the years, I know how reluctant you must be to leave the relationship but it would be throwing good money after bad. You can't trust him anymore. You're lucky that you're young enough to leave, find someone new and have the family and future you want. Take this opportunity!

MustWeDoThis · 23/08/2024 19:12

UmberKoala · 17/08/2024 20:32

I (F31) have a partner (M33) I've been with for 8 years. I wish we were married with kids already but, we're happy and are planning to have a baby soon.
We share a computer, a few months ago I went on and his Facebook account was already open when I went to log in.
A message popped up from a women, I didn't recognise her so I snooped through the messages which, I know was a bit wrong of me! There was nothing too bad and it was mainly her messaging him. I just think what she was sending was weird, she sent a selfie of herself at Easter wearing easter bunny ears and she was constantly trying to start chats with him and asking why he doesn't reply. Another thing I found weird is that she had asked him to have a phone call at one point and he said to give him a few mins as I was upstairs in bed and he'd go for a walk to take it. I confronted him and he said there was nothing to it, she's a colleague from work that messages him and needed some advice. I let it go!
Fast forward a few months to a couple of weeks ago. We had a major argument, I said I was finished - sick of waiting for marriage, kids e.c.t. I've apologised for this and said I was in the wrong. After the argument he stayed at his parents to get some space. I since found out he wasn't at his parents he was somewhere else. I snooped again, there were bookings for two on his emails and a restaurant booking. I saw a future booking for a hotel bar. I confronted him - he said he cancelled the booking and it was originally for me and him. Fast forward to yesterday and I'm absolutely devastated I found him at that booking at the hotel bar, with the colleague I was worried about a few months ago.
He still says he's never cheated. I'm so angry, I know we had a massive argument and I wasn't perfect but for the last few weeks I feel like all he's done is lie to me.
He's obviously been a massive idiot and crossed the line but AIBU to think he's fully cheated. I'm just so confused, I trusted him so much and it feels like my life's just been destroyed.

Since when does a cheater admit they are cheating? Of course he's going to gaslight you and play dumb. That's what they do when caught red-handed.

pomers · 23/08/2024 19:11

He does not want marriage with you. End this relationship now and leave with your dignity. Do not be surprised when he’s in a relationship with this woman shortly after you have broken up

CathyCatnip · 23/08/2024 11:38

I am so sorry you are going through this. The thing is there is someone out there for you who does want marriage and a family and perhaps staying with your current partner will prevent this from happening. Hold your head up, you've done nothing wrong and you deserve better.

Jennaxoxox · 23/08/2024 08:10

I've been with my bf 19 years, we are not married but we do have kids. We were prob about 8ish years in when he gave me an engagement ring, but he has NEVER made me feel like he's not fully commited and has absolutely NEVER arranged romantic dates with someone else.

Not only does your bf/partner refused to commit he treats you horrendously. Lying, sneaking off with other women, messaging other women behind your back etc etc.

The person that said it's not that he doesn't want to commit it's that he doesn't want to commit to you was 💯correct.

He keeps you there for convenience whilst he's out looking for a girl he does want to commit to. Your relationship has run his course, if he proposed after a huge argument is that the kind of proposal you want? Surely you would want one where it was it was fully his choice because that's what he wanted not because it's going to keep you quiet for a while! Have some dignity and move on!

Doodledeedum · 22/08/2024 21:38

Does he need to have cheated ?? He's broken your trust. More than once. That's enough now.

Creamteasandbumblebees · 22/08/2024 21:35

If my Husband and I stropped off and made reservations for hotels and dinner with other people every time we had a fight we'd have divorced years ago. Instead, we choose to cool off for an hour or two then talk. We are always honest (brutally sometimes) and open.
He is cheating on you.
You need to leave.

Amy1117 · 22/08/2024 21:28

The 8 years with no marriage or kids is not a deal breaker. Me and DH.were together for over 10 before marriage and now have a DC. However you can't trust him and it's.weird that he is meeting her without you knowing.

sunseaandsoundingoff · 22/08/2024 20:58

he's not that into you