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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Prison life choice?

190 replies

Hceey · 17/08/2024 19:42

I don't understand my DN. He is in prison and has been in and out for years on short sentences.

He comes out, lives in a homeless group for a bit, robs food and drink. No drugs to what I know to. He then goes back in prison at some point.

The whole thing is fucking ridiculous and I want to help him. But, I don't understand him and his way of thinking. The support from the system is not there. Yes, I don't know the full facts, I admit.

He comes out and does the same thing over and over. He has no support, they send him out and what? I don't understand how the system is meant to work?

He will be out soon with nothing, no home and no job. I think they give him some cash, but that's it.

I can offer him a sofa, but not long term. I cannot afford to support him though and so he will go back to robbing.

I feel useless.

AIBU to feel the system is shite?

I'm posting because I'm hoping to hear from someone who knows or been through this. Realistically, how hopeful is it he will ever get a job with his past?

Is his future really gonna be prison then retirement?

OP posts:
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PassingStranger · 20/08/2024 15:13

Sausagenbacon · 18/08/2024 08:10

I don't understand why the OP is so cagey about his parents' role.

exactly, not answered where his parents are?
surely this is their problem,

Mischance · 20/08/2024 12:32

Unfortunately your brother's repeated incarcerations will mean he has been exposed to the hardened criminals and the drug pushers - they have no compunction about threatening others to do their dirty work. Extracting oneself from this mire is very very hard indeed, especially as it has been going on for years. Please be aware of the dangers of his possible associates - you do not want to bring this misery down on your family. Once they have you in their clutches you are pretty sunk, as it seems your brother is.

I am all for compassion - but compassion with your eyes open.

ClareBlue · 20/08/2024 09:45

And all those without compassion. It can happen to any of us. Mental health breakdowns that are psychotic are often dealt with in the criminal justice system, desperation to feed or house yourself leads to poor decisions, trauma responses, addiction. The list is long and if you are not on it then be thankful because it's rare that it's some kind of moral fibre that keeps people on the straight and narrow, it's usually circumstances.

ClareBlue · 20/08/2024 09:38

There's actually only a small percentage of the prison population who are hardened criminals that need to be locked up for years. The vast majority have come through the care system and are institutionalised with no support once it dumps them at 18, are from toxic family backgrounds with extreme trauma, have addiction issues or mental health issues or can not get off the revolving door situation of doing time then having no way of getting work or housing and having to stay doing crime. The cycle can be broken but it's hard. You have to be very sure he wants to. If he is not committed then don't get involved. If he is, then look for charities that can help along with all the statutory agencies. Charities help with housing and employment.
Don't get invested without him really wanting to change.

Mischance · 20/08/2024 08:38

Whatafabulousoaktree · 19/08/2024 14:50

https://key4life.org.uk/programme-overview/
Could these people help, OP?

I have experience of this excellent scheme. Sadly it did not work out for my relative as he did not have the cognitive skills to engage fully. I think it is quite localised too.

sashh · 20/08/2024 03:04

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 19/08/2024 13:52

How will he afford a bedsit?
My son is 28, works full time and has to rent in a shared home because on his full time earnings the estate agents say he can't afford a bedsit or 1 bed flat.

It depends where the OP is, there are places where a bed sit can be had for not very much.

FunLurker · 19/08/2024 15:02

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 19/08/2024 13:52

How will he afford a bedsit?
My son is 28, works full time and has to rent in a shared home because on his full time earnings the estate agents say he can't afford a bedsit or 1 bed flat.

I live SE and bedsits are similar price to nice house shares. I don't know what benefits people are entitled to. House shares also normal require deposits and guarantees where as bedsits don't and often run/subsided by charities/churches.

Whatafabulousoaktree · 19/08/2024 14:50

https://key4life.org.uk/programme-overview/
Could these people help, OP?

KeyboardCat · 19/08/2024 14:16

Sorry if someone has already mentioned it, but can he see if there's a Prison Employment Lead (PEL) at the prison he's at? They will be able to help him look for work if so. The system is shocking though. If he's in and out I assume he's being held for his recall sentences at a cat B reception prison? Frustratingly there are a lot of situations where we start working with men and then they get early release before we've had a chance to get everything in place. it's a constant battle.

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 19/08/2024 13:52

FunLurker · 17/08/2024 20:35

Giving him a sofa is a start as he can then use the address to sign on. Once he's signed on he'll get benefits so can feed himself and then start looking for a bedsit, once in bedsit he can then start looking and applying for jobs.

How will he afford a bedsit?
My son is 28, works full time and has to rent in a shared home because on his full time earnings the estate agents say he can't afford a bedsit or 1 bed flat.

SquatWeightaMinute · 19/08/2024 13:47

Mischance · 19/08/2024 13:17

98%? - that is very precise. Source of these statistics?

It was a tongue in cheek comment not an actual statistic, sorry if my sarcasm wasn't clear there, I forget at times that tone doesn't convey well on the internet.

Mischance · 19/08/2024 13:17

98%? - that is very precise. Source of these statistics?

SquatWeightaMinute · 19/08/2024 12:36

HelloMiss · 19/08/2024 08:28

It's always someone else's fault why these 'poor souls' end up in prison!

Always!

98% of them are innocent..... They were stitched up/wrongly accused/will be out on appeal soon.

zingally · 19/08/2024 09:45

HelloMiss · 18/08/2024 19:09

Have you stepped foot in a prison before?

Why do you ask?

IsItAMidLifeCrisis · 19/08/2024 08:48

If you have a sofa, offer that to him. He repeats the cycle because its all he knows and tbh being in prison he’s getting shelter, food and drink plus hot showers. Its a horrible life to lead. If you could offer him some support this time around with strict boundaries then there might just be a chance. Ultimately its up to him to change his life around. I have a local homeless shelter in my city which helps support hundreds each year go from the street into accommodation and sometimes a job.

HelloMiss · 19/08/2024 08:28

It's always someone else's fault why these 'poor souls' end up in prison!

Always!

CheeseandOnionCrispFan · 19/08/2024 06:58

OP, I can understand that you're incredibly concerned about your nephew and want to support him but what are his immediate family doing to help & support him? What do his parents do/say? Why are they not offering him their sofa? Did he have good friendship when growing up? Is he close to his parents / siblings? Understanding his homelike & growing up might help to understand his incentives more. You seem to have evaded those types of questions. Maybe he finds the reality of life & having to work hard to achieve something 'normal' too much like hard work. As well as the system needing to help him, he has got to help himself too and realise these things aren't just served up on a plate.

sashh · 19/08/2024 05:47

PassingStranger · 18/08/2024 21:12

Why would you choose losing your freedom. etc as a choice?
Odd, I couldn't think of anything worse than being locked up, I think I'd rather not be here.

You probably sleep in a bed in a house with heating and electric light. You probably don't have an addiction.

We should be moving towards the Norwegian model.

www.kriminalomsorgen.no/informasjon-paa-engelsk.536003.no.html#:~:text=In%20total%2C%20Norway%20has%20a,those%20in%20pre%2Dtrial%20detention.

Lovelysummerdays · 19/08/2024 00:32

PassingStranger · 18/08/2024 21:37

Prisons obvs not hard enough then is it?
Also it's not actually like that for everyone.

You've overlooked the fact that child abusers don't mix in.like that they are segregated.

People also appeal their sentences, if they liked it that much they wouldn't appeal.

I used to work with people doing community payback. Lots had already had a short stint in prison. The main comment about prison was it was really boring. I don’t think it would bother me as I’m pretty content in my own head but lots of people find it hard.

PassingStranger · 18/08/2024 21:47

Aquamarine1029 · 18/08/2024 07:34

No, you are right. I don't know what life he has led in prison. I don't know who any of these people are he hangs out with inside or the homeless groups over the years. But, does it matter?

Of course it matters. You are contemplating bringing this man into your home, when the reality is it's clear you barely know him. It's very sad, but he is not the boy you knew when he was a child. He is an adult with a violent past, and most likely, very significant emotional/mental health issues. You must prioritise your own well being and safety. You will not be able to fix him, no matter what you do.

Exactly let it go. It's not as if it's your son.
Why would anyone go looking for stress and trouble. Enjoy your life.

PassingStranger · 18/08/2024 21:37

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 17/08/2024 20:30

In prison they have clean clothes, a bed, a tv, 3 meals a day, snacks they can "buy", friends, a community. Then they come out, they get given less than £50 and now they need to find somewhere to sleep, something to eat, something to wear.

You can see why they then want to go back in.

Prisons obvs not hard enough then is it?
Also it's not actually like that for everyone.

You've overlooked the fact that child abusers don't mix in.like that they are segregated.

People also appeal their sentences, if they liked it that much they wouldn't appeal.

Littletreefrog · 18/08/2024 21:15

PassingStranger · 18/08/2024 21:12

Why would you choose losing your freedom. etc as a choice?
Odd, I couldn't think of anything worse than being locked up, I think I'd rather not be here.

People do. Some people leave such disordered and dangerous lifes that prison is preferable to being outside. I'm no one of those who thinks prison is all PlayStation and cups of tea either. Prison is not nice but for some it is preferable to what is on the outside.

PassingStranger · 18/08/2024 21:12

Littletreefrog · 17/08/2024 20:23

Does he want to stay out? Until he wants to stay out there is nit much anyone can do. For some it really is a life choice.

Why would you choose losing your freedom. etc as a choice?
Odd, I couldn't think of anything worse than being locked up, I think I'd rather not be here.

Manyshelves · 18/08/2024 20:51

This thread has made me really sad. Some people are such massive cuntts

Manyshelves · 18/08/2024 20:50

HelloMiss · 18/08/2024 20:06

You really think that? Why?

Because I know from working in the tiejd

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