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AIBU?

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To not spend the whole week in the All-Inclusive that my sister paid for? She called me a CF

438 replies

HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 17:48

I’ve ruffled a few feathers in the family but I personally don’t feel I’ve done anything wrong. My sister eloped with her lovely DH in March, they’ve been together over a decade and have 3 children already so they didn’t see the point in a big white wedding. They invited us all to lunch the day after to tell us the news then surprised us saying they wanted to take us all on holiday to a lovely all-inclusive. Invited on the holiday (other than them and their DC, obviously) was me, my DP, our brother and his girlfriend, and my parents. Her DH is Australian and his family are over there hence why his side of the family weren’t included.

They were very generous. We were only expected to pay for flights but that was fine given it’s a destination covered by dirt
cheap RyanAir flights. My parents have always been quite poor so the idea of a holiday abroad was a real novelty for them. We were all incredibly grateful, lots of hugs and tears over the dinner table.

We’re on the holiday now, 5 days in and it has been quite stressful. Sister and her DH have left the resort every day together so far for “couple time” leaving us with the DC for 6+ plus. They said it’s a wedding celebration combined with their honeymoon hence why they want time alone during the day but to then come and drink with us on the evenings (though my poor DM is usually stuck in the hotel room with sleeping children). One child is a toddler so it’s been hard work. My parents, me and my brother have been splitting childcare mostly. Nobody feels as though they can say anything because Dsis and her DH paid for the holiday.

Me and my DP have been getting a bit bored, and yesterday at breakfast we announced we were going out for the day. We’re on a gorgeous island in the Mediterranean with so much history and culture and we wanted to explore. We announced we were going to look at some buildings and then eat out for the evening and that we’d see everyone later. Nothing was said. We said anyone was welcome to come but nobody fancied where we were going.

When we got back we headed to our usual spot where we tend to congregate for evening drinks. We noticed a vibe from everyone so I asked what was up. Dsis then said she found it “fucking cheeky” for us to leave the resort for dinner when she has already “paid for all of your meals” and that she felt I was ungrateful. My dad said me and DH seemed off at breakfast and he also felt it was a bit cheeky of us to announce we wanted to get out of the hotel for the day. I tried to apologise and state that it’s been lovely and we adore the hotel but that we just want to see the island, but a few drinks had been had and it got heated (I did end up feeling quite hurt so made a comment about how they have used mum for childcare, which didn’t go down well) so everyone went to bed. I tried to reconcile at breakfast this morning but there was still a lot of tension, so we’ve mainly been in our rooms.

Were we cheeky?

OP posts:
Cem82 · 17/08/2024 21:45

Honestly you are being taken advantage of, they should look at the holiday as a thank you for all the unpaid babysitting you have done at home. I had a similar issue with my bro and his (now ex) wife thought they never paid for anything for me and I would say never again. Funnily the level of help you give is never reciprocated when you have kids of your own!

Hucklemuckle · 17/08/2024 21:44

Surely when she balled you out for going off you pointed out that she has give out every day

MadinMarch · 17/08/2024 21:44

Ohnobackagain · 17/08/2024 19:02

@HitTheLight “dear Sis and BIL, it was very generous of you to fund our holiday, however, had you explained up front how we’re not allowed to leave because Mum and Dad are stuck babysitting all day/evening while you do what you want, we would probably have said no, as might they have”

This this this.
Your sis and big are being incredibly manipulative and controlling!

MeridianB · 17/08/2024 21:43

No such thing as a free holiday. 😵‍💫

I agree they are total CFs and have behaved appallingly to all of you (apart from your Dad, who’s doing nothing but stirring - is your DSis his favourite by any chance?).

Turning down your offer to take your 9yo nephew for the day and then snarking about not taking the others really shows them up for what they are.

Agree with others who recommend setting firmer boundaries with them once you’re home, too.

TheSquashedPea · 17/08/2024 21:38

@HitTheLight

It’s a weird situation, and reminds me of family holidays with my DP and his family. I don’t pay and feel like I have no voice for the duration, and my main role is childcare.

No, you’ve done nothing wrong. And I know if I announced a view/choice etc during the family holidays I endure, it would just stir things up. So I don’t bother and just count down the days/hours/seconds…

MaryEllenWaldron · 17/08/2024 21:38

BeanCountingContinues · 17/08/2024 19:54

Yup, it appears from OP posts that the men are sexist assholes.
That cannot be changed in the next few days.

So in the circumstances OP has the choice to help her Mum out and put her Mum first, or not.

The OP has the choice of not being a doormat, and telling her father - the grandfather of these children - to put his wife first. You forgot that one.

ahjeez · 17/08/2024 21:36

So overall, I think that your sister and her husband wanted a child free holiday, but they perhaps felt guilty about doing this. I think that naively they thought that, as it is their honeymoon, you and everyone else wouldn't feel bad looking after the wee ones, but I think it is absolutely understandable that you all feel that you've been used! If they had been upfront about it, it would have been quite different, but instead it has built up resentment.
Essentially, I think they have been cheeky to do this, but I think there was a certain degree of not expecting it to be confronted. If it was to be a family holiday, it could have worked out that they had a couple of days to themselves as could everyone else.
I think the best move is to try and settle things with your sister. I think as well if it's possible, try and take your mum for a trip somewhere so she can have a holiday, although that is quite a big demand!
You haven't done anything wrong, I'd try and smooth things over with your sister as best you can. I hope it all goes OK.

whereisthelifethatirecognize · 17/08/2024 21:33

I wouldn't consider minding someone else's 3 young children full time 'a holiday', no matter where I was.

DesparatePragmatist · 17/08/2024 21:31

So sorry this has tainted your holiday. I've been on a similar receiving end, with a DSis with a wealthier husband, with lots more things in range for them than for DH and I. The dynamic and sense of entitlement can get really odd. Similar occasion happened when DSis offered to organise a long WE away for her family (DSis, DBIL, 3 DNs), mine (me, DH, DS) and our DPs. We all paid towards it having agreed affordability, but when we got there it was a gigantic manor house and I think DBIL had upgraded and paid the extra. We had agreed to divvy up the meals and all contribute a course to the main meal on the special occasion day. We turned up with a case of wine for the household and a big bootful of shopping. DSis swished around in elegant clothes, had the master suite (fair enough, they organised it), did no catering at all and lounged around with a book while DM and I entertained all 4 kids for the entire time. It somehow wasn't possible to get the balance back because she clearly felt entitled to be the lady of the manor and us the staff. Naming the dynamic then makes you the awkward one. On the way home she'd clearly had enough family times and dumped DPs on us at a service station (they were supposed to be staying with her and flying to where they live from the airport near DSis' house the next day). They were more than welcome with us, but so hurt and confused and DSis acknowledged no part in the whole thing.

I don't know that I have any advice which would help your holiday, but havibg tried honesty, open talks, ignoring it and every other tactic, I now just leave DSis to be herself and me do me according to my own values. So no tit for tat or withdrawing from my DNs, accepting her generosity if she's inclined to extend it, and not expecting any more empathy or grace than she can provide. In your shoes, I'd probably do that.

aloris · 17/08/2024 21:31

I feel quite upset for your poor mum, who you said has never had the money for a holiday abroad. And here she has spent her own money on plane tickets to this holiday, only to find she was only invited to be a week of free childcare, and not even allowed to go see the island let alone enjoy any of the vacation herself. It's almost worse than not ever having gone at all, because now she has spent the money, and she's ON the island, she just can't do anything fun with that time and she's supposed to pretend she's so grateful to your sister.

This was a terrible bait-and-switch by your sister, and a cruel way to treat her own mother. I would be highly tempted to have words with your sister here.

6pence · 17/08/2024 21:30

So you have paid for flights and paid with a week of your precious annual leave, to have the honour of being a prisoner in an AI with unlimited babysitting duties.

Thats one costly holiday.

Grammarnut · 17/08/2024 21:27

MumblesParty · 17/08/2024 18:26

I believe they could have married in England without parental permission as they were over 18, so they didn’t need to go to Scotland.

Not in 1966. You had to be over 21.
But they did elope - not just get married without anyone knowing. An elopment takes place where there is parental/familial opposition.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2024 21:26

FumingTRex · 17/08/2024 17:59

Yeah your sister messed up by not telling you she expected you to be scivvy in return for the holiday.

This

Furrydogmum · 17/08/2024 21:25

Your sister should have got married and had her honeymoon before having kids if this is the honeymoon she wants! She should, at least, have asked your parents to look after the children at home while they honeymooned, and paid for your parents to have a nice holiday afterwards.. You're not the CF.

JabbaTheBeachHut · 17/08/2024 21:23

BettyBardMacDonald · 17/08/2024 21:01

I disagree. Past time for them to be pulled up on taking advantage of everyone.

Clearly that was their plan.

Her mum can speak for herself.

DefyingGravitas · 17/08/2024 21:23

Floppyelf · 17/08/2024 20:16

Back in the UK does your sister also look after your kids?

I’m assuming she doesn’t have any? She does say she babysits for sister’s kids in the UK too though.

Momtotwokids · 17/08/2024 21:20

Everyday on here I read of people that do things I would never have thought of. I would take everyone but the two losers and go out everyday. They can watch their own kids and no more babysitting at home.

diddl · 17/08/2024 21:15

You should all go out for a day & leave them to it.

Better still-all go home!

DeadpoolvsBlackswan · 17/08/2024 21:11

no logical reason at all as I regularly babysit her kids or take them on days out.

She sees you as free childcare. The reason why your DSis if that's what you want to call her doesn't use nurseries or childminders it's not that she doesn't trust them it's because they are too expensive. You have fallen for it. That's why she treats you and talks to you the way she does she thinks you're easy to manipulate. I am guessing you are normally more reliable to her needs in the UK. It's up to you if you want to carry on being used as free childcare if it was me I would have second thoughts.

WhereDoWeGoFromHereBill · 17/08/2024 21:10

Well it's a silver lining for you then if it is still frosty and they aren't talking to you!!

Wayhaay - off you go and have fun on your own.

Let them cut off their noses to spite their faces

MummyJ36 · 17/08/2024 21:06

They’d have been better asking if you could take the kids for a few days so they could go on a holiday alone. I’d be really disappointed in your position. It’s normal for family to rally around when there are more adults than kids on holiday but this is ridiculous. Ultimately the primary childcare lies with the parents and they seem to have really hoodwinked everyone (particularly your poor mum) into being 24/7 childminders.

BettyBardMacDonald · 17/08/2024 21:06

I'd be rethinking all the free babysitting once you return home, too.

Clearly they don't respect you.

It's a pity that your mother who seldom travels is letting herself be treated like dirt on this holiday.

elessar · 17/08/2024 21:03

Your sister and her husband are total piss takers!

The fact that she has the nerve to call you cheeky for leaving the hotel when she and her husband have been out every single day leaving her kids with you and your parents. It's breathtakingly tone deaf and selfish of both of them, they're treating you like second class citizens on this "holiday".

BettyBardMacDonald · 17/08/2024 21:01

JabbaTheBeachHut · 17/08/2024 17:58

Your sister and BIL should've been upfront.

You shouldn't have dragged your mum into it and made the dig about childcare.

I disagree. Past time for them to be pulled up on taking advantage of everyone.

Clearly that was their plan.

MSLRT · 17/08/2024 20:59

I wouldn’t hide up in your room. You are not in the wrong. Your sister has a bloody cheek.

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