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Original poster

To not spend the whole week in the All-Inclusive that my sister paid for? She called me a CF

438 replies

HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 17:48

I’ve ruffled a few feathers in the family but I personally don’t feel I’ve done anything wrong. My sister eloped with her lovely DH in March, they’ve been together over a decade and have 3 children already so they didn’t see the point in a big white wedding. They invited us all to lunch the day after to tell us the news then surprised us saying they wanted to take us all on holiday to a lovely all-inclusive. Invited on the holiday (other than them and their DC, obviously) was me, my DP, our brother and his girlfriend, and my parents. Her DH is Australian and his family are over there hence why his side of the family weren’t included.

They were very generous. We were only expected to pay for flights but that was fine given it’s a destination covered by dirt
cheap RyanAir flights. My parents have always been quite poor so the idea of a holiday abroad was a real novelty for them. We were all incredibly grateful, lots of hugs and tears over the dinner table.

We’re on the holiday now, 5 days in and it has been quite stressful. Sister and her DH have left the resort every day together so far for “couple time” leaving us with the DC for 6+ plus. They said it’s a wedding celebration combined with their honeymoon hence why they want time alone during the day but to then come and drink with us on the evenings (though my poor DM is usually stuck in the hotel room with sleeping children). One child is a toddler so it’s been hard work. My parents, me and my brother have been splitting childcare mostly. Nobody feels as though they can say anything because Dsis and her DH paid for the holiday.

Me and my DP have been getting a bit bored, and yesterday at breakfast we announced we were going out for the day. We’re on a gorgeous island in the Mediterranean with so much history and culture and we wanted to explore. We announced we were going to look at some buildings and then eat out for the evening and that we’d see everyone later. Nothing was said. We said anyone was welcome to come but nobody fancied where we were going.

When we got back we headed to our usual spot where we tend to congregate for evening drinks. We noticed a vibe from everyone so I asked what was up. Dsis then said she found it “fucking cheeky” for us to leave the resort for dinner when she has already “paid for all of your meals” and that she felt I was ungrateful. My dad said me and DH seemed off at breakfast and he also felt it was a bit cheeky of us to announce we wanted to get out of the hotel for the day. I tried to apologise and state that it’s been lovely and we adore the hotel but that we just want to see the island, but a few drinks had been had and it got heated (I did end up feeling quite hurt so made a comment about how they have used mum for childcare, which didn’t go down well) so everyone went to bed. I tried to reconcile at breakfast this morning but there was still a lot of tension, so we’ve mainly been in our rooms.

Were we cheeky?

OP posts:
crockofshite · 17/08/2024 22:36

Why can't the rest of you go out and explore with the kids when the CF couple do their disappearing act ?

Greenhedge1 · 17/08/2024 22:36

Your sister and husbands are some CF's.
What a horrible way to trick your family.
Your poor parents.
I would be so pissed off to have used annual leave to be free childcare for someone.
Your partner has every right to be pissed off.
I would be a lot less generous going forward and I would be firmly putting her in her place.
She basically lied to you all for free childcare.
I would rather stay at home than do childcare for someone in this situation.
She clearly believes she owns the lot of ye.
Shabby was to treat anyone, not least their own children.

jannier · 17/08/2024 22:36

DogsDinner · 17/08/2024 18:18

I do think you're being a bit unreasonable. There's 6 extra adults to look after their kids for 6 hours a day.

Surely you could have managed this between you and still had plenty of free time?

It is their honeymoon, they've paid for an expensive holiday for everyone. I don't think it's unreasonable to fit in with their plans somewhat.

Are you the sister?

Kisskiss · 17/08/2024 22:35

VaccineSticker · 17/08/2024 22:30

She should have been honest with you from the start …. BUT it is way cheaper for her to hire a nanny for week to come with them on holiday and look after the kids than invite you all and hear you complain and snap at her.

I would definitely help my sister out with her kids if I were in your place as it’s a one off and it’s a very special occasion- but that’s me.

Actually it depends on how expensive the resort is- holiday Nannies can cost a lot, people ask for the standard hourly rate plus 100 for overnight and all costs and sometimes more than the standard hourly rate because they are away ( and 20/hr on weekends)
and it’s easier to have your kids with people you already know than to have to find a new nanny you don’t know. Also Nannies charge more when you have 3 kids ( or you might need 2 Nannies, not just one)

VaccineSticker · 17/08/2024 22:30

She should have been honest with you from the start …. BUT it is way cheaper for her to hire a nanny for week to come with them on holiday and look after the kids than invite you all and hear you complain and snap at her.

I would definitely help my sister out with her kids if I were in your place as it’s a one off and it’s a very special occasion- but that’s me.

theduchessofspork · 17/08/2024 22:30

… it also sounds to me that they are used to taking advantage of you and your mother, so I’d pull back on the babysitting at home.

It sounds like you and your DH like to get out and experience things, while your family just like to sit by the pool, the men leaving the women to do the work.. I would give yourself some space from the lot of them, it all sounds very dull and dated, though I feel sorry for your mum.

BakeOffRewatch · 17/08/2024 22:30

The reason your DSis and her DH are unreasonably and irrationally annoyed with you is because they’ve deluded themselves that paying to trap you in a hotel in a Mediterranean country is good enough for what they’re expecting from you and your family. You and your DP going out for the day threatens to shatter that illusion and make them confront the reality that they’ve actually been deceptive and controlling, and quite unkind and inconsiderate actually. Even to their own kids. Everyone would have been happier if they left the 3 kids in the UK with their doting grandparents and aunt and uncle, even the kids. How confusing for the toddler to have mummy and daddy be there every morning and disappear. Toddler would have forgotten about them completely if not on holiday nd doing days out with granny and auntie.

When people have these delusions of themselves they act aggressively towards any one who brings them that reality. They probably had your behaviour on their mind all day and couldn’t forget about their kids, or feel smug and pat themselves on the back about bringing their impoverished parents or in-laws on such a nice holiday. So you really have ruined their day!

If they’re not usually like this, they’ve probably really mistook how this would all play out. They would have used the money completely differently.

Theres not much you can do, don’t rise or act on your feelings of hurt. Keep planning days out and offering to take the kids. You should try to give your family and their kids a lovely time. Did they even bring anything child holiday friendly like a travel buggy or a car seat? Just organise it and get out and about. You won’t escape their ire so don’t bother trying to minimise yourself to avoid it.

theduchessofspork · 17/08/2024 22:26

No.

Not explaining she wants constant daytime childcare is cheeky. It doesn’t matter if she paid for you to come, she needed to explain the terms.

If you want to be generous, suggest to your mum and dad they take a day out and you two take the childcare.

Or if they won’t and everyone is huffy, then crack on with some more excursions

All you can do is chalk it up to experience

CinnamonTart · 17/08/2024 22:25

Can you call them on it and just say there seems to have been a misunderstanding. That you thought it was a family holiday, where normal family holiday stuff occurs - but were they actually intending for you all to look after the kids? That if that had been the case, you would have liked that discussion to happen before you accepted to join them?

Kisskiss · 17/08/2024 22:17

Your sister is being pretty horrible! Yanbu. Just because they paid for the holiday ( which is a very generous and lovely gesture) doesn’t mean they get to dictate that you stay in the resort like you are their prisoner/childcare? even paid holiday Nannies get to leave and have “off duty” time. She’s taking advantage of all of you.
if it was truly a gift she should be happy for all of you to go out and enjoy the island.
when I read your post title I assumed you meant you left the paid for holiday early ( ie went back home) . That would be cf as you would be wasting someone else’s money, but in this case she is very much the CF

fashionqueen0123 · 17/08/2024 22:17

HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 20:08

We’re quite stunned to be honest by the whole thing. They are usually really attentive parents in the UK. I babysit often but that’s because of their shift patterns and because I adore the kids. I’ve never felt taken advantage of at home, I’m the godmother of one of the children. But they just weren’t honest about their intentions for the holiday, they spoke about all the great things in the area we’d be going and implied we’d all go together. But they just sod off out and leave us at the hotel with their kids. The fact that they have paid for this holiday seems to have bought out another side to them.

I’d pull back on the babysitting at home a bit.

Why are they having a 4th child if they can’t seem to manage the three they already have?! You even offered to help with one and they say no out of spite. Your mum needs to also say she needs a break. You can’t expect people to babysit every day on holiday for you! When my parents have come we’ve maybe asked for a couple of hours or something!

Biffbaff · 17/08/2024 22:14

This is unbelievable CFery on the newlyweds' part!

I feel so sorry for your mum. She would have been better off if she'd had the 3 kids back home in the UK while your sis and her h went abroad, at least she'd be able to please herself more in her own home.

I also feel sorry for the kids, who are being fought over for who gets to NOT look after them in this way.

I don't think you've done anything wrong in calling a spade a spade here!

Can you take your mum out for cocktails and tell everyone else to fuck right off?

LindorDoubleChoc · 17/08/2024 22:13

Your family all sound faintly ridiculous op. Make a vow not to do anything like it again!

LindorDoubleChoc · 17/08/2024 22:12

FFS! Why are people STILL quoting the entire op to make a post!?

Itiswhysofew · 17/08/2024 22:10

In your DS & BIL minds, you were all there to take care of their DC, not to have any personal time.

Don't go in holiday with family & friends.

Greytulips · 17/08/2024 22:07

What’s the plan for tomorrow?

Grammarnut · 17/08/2024 22:06

Choochoo21 · 17/08/2024 19:35

If my sister paid for an all inclusive holiday then I’d be doing childcare all day and night.

She should have been more clear about her childcare expectations so that you and her mum weren’t feeling so much resentment but I would have assumed they expected childcare anyway.

If she had an issue with you leaving the hotel then she should have told you that when you told everyone your plans and not waited until after you got back.

You shouldn’t have brought your mum into the argument as now she is involved and that’s not fair.

Speak with your sister 1-1 and apologise but you didn’t realise you exploring the island would be a big deal.

Tell her you think it would be lovely if your mum and dad went out for the day either on their own or with the stater and her DH and you and your DH can look after all of the kids.

Really? She offered to pay for the hotel and food for a family holiday and then no-one is allowed to leave the hotel. I would not expect to babysit my DSis children on a regular basis whilst she went out all day without them if we were on a family holiday - I'd expect us all to go out together. If everyone else minding her children was what OP's DSis expected she should have explained - and then no-one (or pos only DPs) would have gone.

StaunchMomma · 17/08/2024 22:06

StaunchMomma · 17/08/2024 18:55

Why aren't DS's husbands family pitching in with the childcare?

From the sounds of it, this isn't a great holiday at all. It's highly controlled babysitting and lounging about in a hotel.

Thanks - I read it wrong. I thought they were taking OP's family to where the husband's family were but all inclusives in Oz aren't so much of a thing 😂

Cerealkiller4U · 17/08/2024 22:05

HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 17:48

I’ve ruffled a few feathers in the family but I personally don’t feel I’ve done anything wrong. My sister eloped with her lovely DH in March, they’ve been together over a decade and have 3 children already so they didn’t see the point in a big white wedding. They invited us all to lunch the day after to tell us the news then surprised us saying they wanted to take us all on holiday to a lovely all-inclusive. Invited on the holiday (other than them and their DC, obviously) was me, my DP, our brother and his girlfriend, and my parents. Her DH is Australian and his family are over there hence why his side of the family weren’t included.

They were very generous. We were only expected to pay for flights but that was fine given it’s a destination covered by dirt
cheap RyanAir flights. My parents have always been quite poor so the idea of a holiday abroad was a real novelty for them. We were all incredibly grateful, lots of hugs and tears over the dinner table.

We’re on the holiday now, 5 days in and it has been quite stressful. Sister and her DH have left the resort every day together so far for “couple time” leaving us with the DC for 6+ plus. They said it’s a wedding celebration combined with their honeymoon hence why they want time alone during the day but to then come and drink with us on the evenings (though my poor DM is usually stuck in the hotel room with sleeping children). One child is a toddler so it’s been hard work. My parents, me and my brother have been splitting childcare mostly. Nobody feels as though they can say anything because Dsis and her DH paid for the holiday.

Me and my DP have been getting a bit bored, and yesterday at breakfast we announced we were going out for the day. We’re on a gorgeous island in the Mediterranean with so much history and culture and we wanted to explore. We announced we were going to look at some buildings and then eat out for the evening and that we’d see everyone later. Nothing was said. We said anyone was welcome to come but nobody fancied where we were going.

When we got back we headed to our usual spot where we tend to congregate for evening drinks. We noticed a vibe from everyone so I asked what was up. Dsis then said she found it “fucking cheeky” for us to leave the resort for dinner when she has already “paid for all of your meals” and that she felt I was ungrateful. My dad said me and DH seemed off at breakfast and he also felt it was a bit cheeky of us to announce we wanted to get out of the hotel for the day. I tried to apologise and state that it’s been lovely and we adore the hotel but that we just want to see the island, but a few drinks had been had and it got heated (I did end up feeling quite hurt so made a comment about how they have used mum for childcare, which didn’t go down well) so everyone went to bed. I tried to reconcile at breakfast this morning but there was still a lot of tension, so we’ve mainly been in our rooms.

Were we cheeky?

Fuck no!!!

I think it’s fucking disgusting that your poor mother who is quite poor who doesn’t get a holiday abroad is having to babysit every fucking night.

it’s grim. I’d never have anything to do with them again.

jazzchilli · 17/08/2024 22:04

It sounds like your sister sprung this on you all so you didn't have a chance to ask the questions that would have revealed you were simply being taken along to babysit for them, and then possibly turn it down (as I think most people would).

HoneyLimesBlossom · 17/08/2024 21:56

OP- this SHOULDNT be relevant and in no way is it relevant to me BUT has your sister (how do I say this without sounding …) has she ‘married UP’??

Something in your post stood out to me and it stood out (and i’m not ‘judging’ you ..I just pressed the vote that ‘you are NOT being unreasonable’
but you worded something that rarely hear or see people say (or type) you said - ‘paraphrasing here’ -
Mmu parents have always been poor so a free holiday abroad is a luxury for them ‘
(DISCLAIMER- no glasses/ very poorly / tired so I am simply paraphrasing
BUT you definitely said ‘my parents have always been poor’

My mum and her second H are relatively and comfortably comfortable- off / well off even whereas my workaholic menial paid father is not comfortable in fact FAR from it
but i can’t call anyone ‘poor’ maybe im being ‘weird’ ..

Could (and please don’t come at me anyone reading ..) but ‘could’ your sister think of you and your parents as easily bought and will just shut up types? because she looks at you as the ‘poor relations’ ? only i’ve seen this a million times .. the family members who are multi millionaires- when they have a birthday coming up everyone (and of those - mostly not in a financial good place at all) rally around and try to impress the rich ones

If your parents have always been ‘poor’ (i hate writing that :(
then chances are that nothing really is going to change dramatically in their financial part of their lives in their twilight years …

Could (and i say a very big ‘could’ cause i think your sister is a CF) could sis think ‘well they’re all so poor .. we are getting and paying for a holiday that cost thousands so why the hell SHOULDNT they give us free childcare .. after all not like they’re stuck in a high rise flat and we’ve gone galloping off to a bed island?!

You yourself have said you ADORE the nephews and your own parents do too

could S think she’s killing two birds with one stone …

family get together

children (cousins all play make memories)

in your sisters eyes had she not paid for you then you wouldn’t have been able to have such a beUday out in the first place ,?

Yes if she is how it’s been said on here she’s a p taker!

but what if you all fall out over lack of communication, expectations and boundaries?

apart from your (hopefully LOVELY) day and your brat of a sisters response
has there been plus points ? cousins bonding?

does your mum as she’s older than you all could she actually WANT to maybe be up in an air con room with sleepy / sleeping grandbabies etc .. if everyone makes sure she’s got some crisps / bar shack and bring up some nice cold drinks .. children all bushes and whacked out .. maybe it’s nice for her ?!

be a bigger person

wipe the slate clean but DO NOT apologise for having a day out

learn from this

mixing ANYONE + holidays = DISASTER imvho

EVERYONE has different expectations , some want days out , kids get short with everyone , tantrums , heat stroke, sun stroke , different tastes of cuisines snd what restaurants can end in ww3!
a ‘simple’ choice between
‘beach day or pool day ‘ can also be a war! some hate getting sand everywhere and no shade hence they will happily be by the clean pool others love jumping into the cold but exhilarating ocean

anyone reading OPs thread - please do t ever accept a ‘free holiday’ unless gifted you ! but no ‘freebies’ that involves everyone going it’s just a nightmare waiting to happen and as my late grandmother said ‘no such thing dear as a FREE SCHOOL LUNCH’…

KreedKafer · 17/08/2024 21:55

DogsDinner · 17/08/2024 18:18

I do think you're being a bit unreasonable. There's 6 extra adults to look after their kids for 6 hours a day.

Surely you could have managed this between you and still had plenty of free time?

It is their honeymoon, they've paid for an expensive holiday for everyone. I don't think it's unreasonable to fit in with their plans somewhat.

If there are six extra adults to look after the kids, why is it a problem if two of them (the OP and her husband) aren’t around for one day? And what ‘plans’ are there for them to fit in with? The OP’s sister didn’t make ‘plans’ - she didn’t discuss any of this with the OP in advance. She just invited them on holiday and then fucked off for couple time every day without asking anyone in advance if that would be OK.

By deciding to go out for one day, the OP didn’t leave her sister in the lurch in any way. There were four other adults who chose to stay in the resort. The OP wasn’t preventing her sister from going anywhere.

Expecting all six adults to stay round the pool for a entire week eating at a buffet and looking after her kids every day is fucking awful behaviour from the OP’s sister.

llamajohn · 17/08/2024 21:52

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Well she can look after her own kids then, can't she?

MaryEllenWaldron · 17/08/2024 21:51

BeanCountingContinues · 17/08/2024 20:11

OK, to tone down my language a bit, DB is not yet a father and has no experience of looking after three children of different ages whilst his GF rests. DF is of a different generation where men simply weren't expected to step up.

That still leaves just OP and her Mum.

Show quote history

How old is the grandfather? I think the OP mentioned her mother was 55 (?) - which is at least 20 years away from being an old granny who doesn't mind sitting in the children's bedroom all evening while her husband drinks and enjoys himself downstairs. They're my generation, and men of that generation were darned well expected to be involved with child-rearing. I feel very sorry of the OP's mother. Her husband clearly doesn't care whether she's happy. Poor woman.

TheGander · 17/08/2024 21:49

L’enfer c’est les autres.