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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not spend the whole week in the All-Inclusive that my sister paid for? She called me a CF

438 replies

HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 17:48

I’ve ruffled a few feathers in the family but I personally don’t feel I’ve done anything wrong. My sister eloped with her lovely DH in March, they’ve been together over a decade and have 3 children already so they didn’t see the point in a big white wedding. They invited us all to lunch the day after to tell us the news then surprised us saying they wanted to take us all on holiday to a lovely all-inclusive. Invited on the holiday (other than them and their DC, obviously) was me, my DP, our brother and his girlfriend, and my parents. Her DH is Australian and his family are over there hence why his side of the family weren’t included.

They were very generous. We were only expected to pay for flights but that was fine given it’s a destination covered by dirt
cheap RyanAir flights. My parents have always been quite poor so the idea of a holiday abroad was a real novelty for them. We were all incredibly grateful, lots of hugs and tears over the dinner table.

We’re on the holiday now, 5 days in and it has been quite stressful. Sister and her DH have left the resort every day together so far for “couple time” leaving us with the DC for 6+ plus. They said it’s a wedding celebration combined with their honeymoon hence why they want time alone during the day but to then come and drink with us on the evenings (though my poor DM is usually stuck in the hotel room with sleeping children). One child is a toddler so it’s been hard work. My parents, me and my brother have been splitting childcare mostly. Nobody feels as though they can say anything because Dsis and her DH paid for the holiday.

Me and my DP have been getting a bit bored, and yesterday at breakfast we announced we were going out for the day. We’re on a gorgeous island in the Mediterranean with so much history and culture and we wanted to explore. We announced we were going to look at some buildings and then eat out for the evening and that we’d see everyone later. Nothing was said. We said anyone was welcome to come but nobody fancied where we were going.

When we got back we headed to our usual spot where we tend to congregate for evening drinks. We noticed a vibe from everyone so I asked what was up. Dsis then said she found it “fucking cheeky” for us to leave the resort for dinner when she has already “paid for all of your meals” and that she felt I was ungrateful. My dad said me and DH seemed off at breakfast and he also felt it was a bit cheeky of us to announce we wanted to get out of the hotel for the day. I tried to apologise and state that it’s been lovely and we adore the hotel but that we just want to see the island, but a few drinks had been had and it got heated (I did end up feeling quite hurt so made a comment about how they have used mum for childcare, which didn’t go down well) so everyone went to bed. I tried to reconcile at breakfast this morning but there was still a lot of tension, so we’ve mainly been in our rooms.

Were we cheeky?

OP posts:
Birdahoy · 18/08/2024 07:49

Redmat · 17/08/2024 20:18

You should all go out tomorrow and leave them with their own children. They've had plenty of free time. I would think its time for a small revolt. They are being extremely inconsiderate . Paying for part of your holiday ( not your flights) does not give them the right to dictate what you do.

This

GoldenLegend · 18/08/2024 05:58

I wouldn’t be doing any further babysitting once I got home if I were you.

Bluescapes9 · 18/08/2024 00:24

I think it's dreadful when people use money and gifts as a way of trying to control people. It is no wonder you feel upset OP. I hope you enjoy the rest of your time on holiday with absolutely no guilt in the process.

Constantcookies · 17/08/2024 23:38

Agree with most posters - YANBU.

I was invited to spend a few days with a friend and his wife and kids in an Airbnb they were staying in another city. They don’t have family over here so I honestly thought a big reason i was coming along to babysit as I assumed they’d want a break.

In the end they didn’t leave me with the children once although I wouldn’t have minded if they did and have told them next time I’m happy to look after the kids so they can go out for dinner or something!

Also the mother is kind of enabling the sisters behaviour by the sounds of it by not backing OP and letting her husband get away with not helping.

So I don’t think OP should need to back down for the sake of giving her mum
a break, considering she’s part of the problem. Maybe this experience will open her eyes a bit.

harmfulsweeties · 17/08/2024 23:32

God, these are CF's, aren't they?

So, they make out that they're doing this wonderful thing, inviting you all on a "free" AI holiday, but you have to pay for your flights and leaving you all thinking what a wonderful gift you've been given.

Only to get there and realise that far from the holiday you'd been promised-you've all been brought along as childcare so they can swan off and dump their kids on because...well, it's their "honeymoon" don't you know?

I think after 10 years and 3 kids, you can drop the preciousness about honeymoons for a bit.

Essentially, it sounds like they knew they couldn't get away with swanning off on a holiday by themselves and dumping their kids on someone-so, instead, they conjured up the next best trick-dupe you all into thinking you're nabbing a free holiday and then land you with the childcare.

And the best part (from their end) is that their "kindness" (re: cheek) makes everyone feel unable to say no and obligated to provide childcare at all times. Clearly, your Sis feels that she owns you because she paid for the holiday (bar flights) and thus, should be able to dictate what you do, where you do it and when on this time away.

If she'd have been upfront when offering the "holiday" and said that they need childcare whilst going abroad-and you all agreed before accepting the holiday-that would be one thing. Entirely another thing to land you with it after the fact.

And utterly ridiculous that the men are being let off the hook. And for the "useless men" comments-I'm so tired of that. We allow men to play the "oh, I'm useless at this" card so they continue to play it. No, your DF and DB need to step up and help your DM so she gets a break.

Or, ideally, the actual parents (who are solely responsible for these kids) actually whack their heads out of their arses and actually come back to parent their actual children instead of dumping them on everyone else. I hate parents like this-who think their children are everyone else's responsibility to sort and not theirs.

nosleepforme · 17/08/2024 23:32

It’s not a prison fgs

Oldinjuryhelp111037 · 17/08/2024 23:31

I can't believe people are suggesting its OK to leave kids alone at night to go drinking! Yes, not likely to get kidnapped. But 100s of other things can happen, just them waking up upset or ill or scared is enough.

theduchessofspork · 17/08/2024 23:29

JoBoJoBo · 17/08/2024 23:26

I wouldn't recommend having a drink near the rooms on holiday Remember Madeline Mccann who was kidnapped whilst her parents did this.In the UK this is child neglect.

Oh for heavens sake, no it isn’t child neglect in the UK or anywhere. Madeleine McCann was a rare and tragic case - kids very very occasionally get snatched from home or on the way to school or whatever, you can’t run your life around such a remote possibility.

Donenow1 · 17/08/2024 23:28

aloris · 17/08/2024 17:59

It sounds like she is highly offended that you have dared to leave the resort. What's the point of going abroad to a unique location if all you are allowed to see is the resort? Inviting you along doesn't make you her prisoner. Seems pretty clear the reason they invited you was for the free babysitting. It might be nice if you or one of the other "guests" could babysit for a bit so your poor mom could see the country too.

Personally, I wouldn't appreciate this controlling behavior of hers. Remember in future that her gifts come with strings attached.

THIS

JoBoJoBo · 17/08/2024 23:26

RaspberryBeretxx · 17/08/2024 20:08

I think the issue is that they should have said “we want a honeymoon but can’t leave the kids behind. If we pay for all of you, maybe you can provide round the clock on demand childcare for 3 dc of differing ages and needs and not expect much outside of that from your hol. That sound ok?”. Instead they made out like they’re doing you a big favour. Not on at all. They’re just pissed off that the paid childcare has done a bunk and they are thinking of overall childcare burden not their 9 yo when they chose not to send him on the trip with you. Really not fair. Your poor mum babysitting every night. Why can’t you all drink near to the rooms so you can all listen out for the dc?

I wouldn't recommend having a drink near the rooms on holiday Remember Madeline Mccann who was kidnapped whilst her parents did this.In the UK this is child neglect.

Scentedjasmin · 17/08/2024 23:21

Going out all day without their toddler is pretty unfair on the toddler. That's a long time to be away from such a young child in a new unfamiliar location. No wonder the toddler wants her Mummy all the time. It's also not fair to expect anyone else to look after her children at all.
Remember that the holiday cost was in lieu of having a wedding which would have cost a lot. You paid for your own flights. It was also compensation for you all not being present when they got married. They probably felt a bit bad about that. You have given up your time to be there doing what they want. Just because they have paid, it doesn't mean that they all own you!

Ohnobackagain · 17/08/2024 23:17

@HitTheLight I’d be doing less childcare for them when you get home too - they’re taking it way too much for granted.

SandyY2K · 17/08/2024 23:16

YANBU

Your sister is the CF here.

readingmytealeaves · 17/08/2024 23:15

Well I'm an old grump but I'd be getting up early and going out every day before they had the chance to drop the kids off with me - ideally taking mum with me but I'm sure she'd refuse to come, being too afraid to upset sister. So in that case I'd try and get an earlier flight home.

This is not a free holiday - some costs are covered but you've had to cover some yourself. You're not getting to do the things you want to do. You're being stuck with childcare you didn't discuss or agree to. For me the big insult would be the waste of my precious annual leave. I wouldn't be doing any babysitting after getting home either - happy to see the children at family events but no more favours. If sister fell out with me, frankly that's no loss, she's shown her true colours and really you must have had some awareness of this before? People don't suddenly change usually.

DorisDoesDoncaster · 17/08/2024 23:09

as a former people pleaser, I would have tolerated such a situation, just to keep the peace.

you have my full sympathy

JoBoJoBo · 17/08/2024 23:09

Qanat53 · 17/08/2024 18:32

Reading between the lines …. It was noted that you were a bit “off” at breakfast. Your demeanor was noticed, not viewed positively.

Perhaps it was timing and language used. Might have been more thoughtful to raise the outing at least a day before, and acknowledge the childcare needs and offer a day off to others the next day while you managed more childcare.

Why the children are not ops responsibility.Also why cannot the children go out with the family to eat in the evenings like most kids do .The toddler can sleep in a pushchair.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 17/08/2024 23:07

You all not to all

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 17/08/2024 23:07

elessar · 17/08/2024 21:03

Your sister and her husband are total piss takers!

The fact that she has the nerve to call you cheeky for leaving the hotel when she and her husband have been out every single day leaving her kids with you and your parents. It's breathtakingly tone deaf and selfish of both of them, they're treating you like second class citizens on this "holiday".

This^

Your DSis and her DH are CF and taking the piss. Of what they wanted was babysitters then they should have made that clear BEFORE you accepted the holiday, as you didn’t know there were strings attached. However, with your update that you look after her kids a lot at home, clearly they are entitled CF there too and just expect to all to fall in line.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/08/2024 23:05

That’s unbelievable CFery on the part of your Sister and BIL. Expecting the rest of the family
to do all the childcare.

And when your break it down, they’re really expecting your Mum and you (and possibly your DH to do it all - what with the Dad who is “traditional“, even at the expense of his own wife getting a holiday, the SIL with exhaustion (understandable) and the Brother who can only take the kids “ in small doses”.

Your sister and BIL should really have explained them selves at the start. No one should be sulking with you!

Wabberjockey · 17/08/2024 22:59

HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 19:25

Her husband also made a ‘joke‘ about how we’d offer to take the easiest kid out and not the others.

Your sister and her husband are the joke. This isn’t a holiday for you guys, you’re all just childcare for them.

Her reaction is insane.

Demonhunter · 17/08/2024 22:46

Wow this is one of the most CF things I've read and I don't mean you @HitTheLight

Imagine not telling you all in advance than this was the plan, and just letting you all look forward to a nice holiday, without knowing you'd all be the childcare!

Namechangeforthis88 · 17/08/2024 22:46

Bonus points for "free" holidays where flights, airport parking etc cost a fortune but you still have to be nice about everything that misses you off.

Winter2020 · 17/08/2024 22:46

HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 19:25

Her husband also made a ‘joke‘ about how we’d offer to take the easiest kid out and not the others.

This would have been the perfect time to say “How about you look after your own kids tomorrow so mum and dad can go out or get a break?”.

They have been duplicitous to invite you making out that you would all enjoy being together and that they wanted to treat you, when actually they want you beholden to them and babysitting their kids every day. Not nice at all.

Namechangeforthis88 · 17/08/2024 22:44

Free holidays always come at a high price, I have come to realise.

DustyGrapevine · 17/08/2024 22:42

So your sister and her husband are allowed to leave the compound every day but the rest of you are under house arrest? You are definitely NBU!

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