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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not spend the whole week in the All-Inclusive that my sister paid for? She called me a CF

438 replies

HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 17:48

I’ve ruffled a few feathers in the family but I personally don’t feel I’ve done anything wrong. My sister eloped with her lovely DH in March, they’ve been together over a decade and have 3 children already so they didn’t see the point in a big white wedding. They invited us all to lunch the day after to tell us the news then surprised us saying they wanted to take us all on holiday to a lovely all-inclusive. Invited on the holiday (other than them and their DC, obviously) was me, my DP, our brother and his girlfriend, and my parents. Her DH is Australian and his family are over there hence why his side of the family weren’t included.

They were very generous. We were only expected to pay for flights but that was fine given it’s a destination covered by dirt
cheap RyanAir flights. My parents have always been quite poor so the idea of a holiday abroad was a real novelty for them. We were all incredibly grateful, lots of hugs and tears over the dinner table.

We’re on the holiday now, 5 days in and it has been quite stressful. Sister and her DH have left the resort every day together so far for “couple time” leaving us with the DC for 6+ plus. They said it’s a wedding celebration combined with their honeymoon hence why they want time alone during the day but to then come and drink with us on the evenings (though my poor DM is usually stuck in the hotel room with sleeping children). One child is a toddler so it’s been hard work. My parents, me and my brother have been splitting childcare mostly. Nobody feels as though they can say anything because Dsis and her DH paid for the holiday.

Me and my DP have been getting a bit bored, and yesterday at breakfast we announced we were going out for the day. We’re on a gorgeous island in the Mediterranean with so much history and culture and we wanted to explore. We announced we were going to look at some buildings and then eat out for the evening and that we’d see everyone later. Nothing was said. We said anyone was welcome to come but nobody fancied where we were going.

When we got back we headed to our usual spot where we tend to congregate for evening drinks. We noticed a vibe from everyone so I asked what was up. Dsis then said she found it “fucking cheeky” for us to leave the resort for dinner when she has already “paid for all of your meals” and that she felt I was ungrateful. My dad said me and DH seemed off at breakfast and he also felt it was a bit cheeky of us to announce we wanted to get out of the hotel for the day. I tried to apologise and state that it’s been lovely and we adore the hotel but that we just want to see the island, but a few drinks had been had and it got heated (I did end up feeling quite hurt so made a comment about how they have used mum for childcare, which didn’t go down well) so everyone went to bed. I tried to reconcile at breakfast this morning but there was still a lot of tension, so we’ve mainly been in our rooms.

Were we cheeky?

OP posts:
misscris · 18/08/2024 19:33

Perhaps the three couples (parents, you and DH, brother and DP) could each take a day off from the childcare - it surely doesn’t need six adults to look after three children, especially if the day is being spent in the resort. Is there a children’s club? I appreciate that a responsible adult might have to stay on the hotel premises with children in the club, but that would be easier than having to entertain them all for 6+ hours.

MrsWinkly · 18/08/2024 19:32

Eeek!
It's very nice of your sister but it sounds a lot like you're all there for the childcare? 😯
The staying onsite in the resort all week for everything would make me so unbelievably claustrophobic, especially when there's loads of culture to absorb 😬

I don't blame you OP!

dcthatsme · 18/08/2024 19:27

I guess what's tricky here is everything has been done without anyone saying anything overtly or upfront. Your DS and her DH didn't ask if it was ok for them to go off and leave the family to look after their DC. Then you didn't raise it with them and say you'd like a day away - was it OK etc etc. It's like no one is actually being upfront. I don't think either party has done anything 'wrong'. It's a shame they weren't more honest and straightforward in the first place and asked you all - would it be ok for us to have some time alone as it's our honeymoon? You could then have planned with them and your parents how to spend the holiday factoring a bit of you time for you and your parents as well. They assumed it was fine to just go away and leave you all. I think you're going to have to have a proper honest conversation with them to clear the air.

hettie · 18/08/2024 19:20

LilMagpie · 18/08/2024 18:53

As someone who actually did pay for my parents to come on holiday to help with childcare, they are the CFs.

They needed to be clearer with their intentions. I.e. “would you fancy coming to help with the kids if we pay for you?” And then make sure that the childcare is limited to 2 or 3 times for a couple of hours max. My parents were happy to let us have a couple of child free meals. The rest of the time they did their own thing or we all did stuff as a family so they could share in the memories. But we all talked about our expectations from the start so no-one felt taken advantage of.

Exactly... Make it clear up front otherwise you have cruely this people they are getting a lovely holiday/celebration when I'm fact you are getting hot childcare off children who are out or routine and likely also got and cranky no thanks

MikeRafone · 18/08/2024 19:19

sounds like the free holiday was in fact childcare for them each day. Was all this explained when they announced they were paying for everyone - or was that part of the deal kept secret?

Coco2024 · 18/08/2024 19:19

It’s also not your responsibility to be taking all 3 of her kids All the time! The expectation from your sister is so entitled

DoughBallss · 18/08/2024 19:18

Did your sister mention that the only reason she was taking you all on holiday was for childcare or did that piece of information slip the net?

Of course you’re not unreasonable for wanting a day to yourselves, and out of the hotel. She can’t expect you to stay there the whole time, and she hasn’t paid for all of your meals she has paid all inclusive which we all know can be a bit same same. She’s being a CF

DisabledDemon · 18/08/2024 19:16

You were perfectly right to call them out and I don't see any issue with bringing in how they've treated your mother - after all, that's what they've done and it's undeniable.

Last time I looked, indentured servitude had been banned.

Coco2024 · 18/08/2024 19:11

It’s also soo unfair for EVERYONE except the newly wed couple to be mucking in with childcare and affecting their holiday just so 2 people can have it 100% their way. I’ve Been in this position before (without the holiday paid for) and it’s exhausting/l. You don’t feel like you’ve had a holiday. I think fine it is their honeymoon but you didn’t know that!

laraitopbanana · 18/08/2024 19:11

JabbaTheBeachHut · 17/08/2024 17:58

Your sister and BIL should've been upfront.

You shouldn't have dragged your mum into it and made the dig about childcare.

That. You throw your mom under the bus hoping to get people’s votes and you found out.

you should have asked if that was ok for you to leave to your mum and dad or actually suck it up and stayed.

it isn’t nice I know but then you would have had your turn next instead of a stir :/

apologize to your mom, she will make the others quiet about it 🌺

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 18/08/2024 19:03

Holidaying together and sorting out money after a family death are the two things that will bring out the very worst in people.

I’d be giving her a wide berth for the foreseeable, but it sounds like you wouldn’t want to cause more upset for your parents in particular.

Can you be the bigger person and say “I think we all need to talk because these problems are arising through lack of communication. You should have told us that you expected childcare in return for our bed and board, and you should have said in advance that you thought it was wrong of us to leave the resort.”

Then stop talking and let her respond.

LilMagpie · 18/08/2024 18:53

As someone who actually did pay for my parents to come on holiday to help with childcare, they are the CFs.

They needed to be clearer with their intentions. I.e. “would you fancy coming to help with the kids if we pay for you?” And then make sure that the childcare is limited to 2 or 3 times for a couple of hours max. My parents were happy to let us have a couple of child free meals. The rest of the time they did their own thing or we all did stuff as a family so they could share in the memories. But we all talked about our expectations from the start so no-one felt taken advantage of.

Havinganamechange · 18/08/2024 18:49

Your sister is a CF and she clearly bought family along to do the childcare for free. Surely she didn’t expect to control everyone’s movement because they paid for the holiday. I think she is a CF, stick to your guns! Fuck that!

Maddy70 · 18/08/2024 18:47

No idea why you are all cooped up. Take the childrem out for the day. See the island

Coco2024 · 18/08/2024 18:45

How strange to invite everyone on holiday together and then the newly wed couple e to keep dumping their kids on you and other relatives so they can go off and have alone time.
and even if you go to an all inclusive it’s not mandatory to eat EVERY SINGLE MEAL there! They seem to think because they’ve paid for the holiday they dictate how you have your fun

SouthernBelle2 · 18/08/2024 18:43

I would have been looking to see if it was possible to get a flight home early.

blueshoes · 18/08/2024 18:41

@HitTheLight any update, OP? How did today go?

LifeExperience · 18/08/2024 18:38

It sounds to me like your sister invited all of you along to babysit and didn't bother to tell you that ahead of time. She's the CF and your parents are enabling it.

T1Dmama · 18/08/2024 18:29

YANBU
If my sister offered me a free holiday I’d be thrilled… if she then said I would be looking after her kids every day I would politely decline the ‘free’ holiday…. I literally can’t think of anything worse!
I think you should be upfront with her that this is also your holiday and you’d actually like some ‘couple’ time too!!

PrettyParrot · 18/08/2024 18:27

How long is the holiday, OP?

betterangels · 18/08/2024 18:25

You're not the CF sister here, OP.

betterangels · 18/08/2024 18:22

So you're basically on the holiday to be childcare. They should have told you.

Jumpingthruhoops · 18/08/2024 18:22

notanotheronenow · 18/08/2024 18:13

Why didn't all you adults who were getting a free holiday all club together and pay for resort childcare, or at least an evening nanny service? I would have done it as a wedding present or a thank you for the trip, it's not going to be cheap for them to have paid for everyone.

The couple had already paid for the childcare... by inviting their family on an all expenses paid 'holiday'!

Jumpingthruhoops · 18/08/2024 18:19

JabbaTheBeachHut · 17/08/2024 17:58

Your sister and BIL should've been upfront.

You shouldn't have dragged your mum into it and made the dig about childcare.

But it's true though. What you call a 'dig' is someone realising they've been taken advantage of and merely calling it out.

The fact there was truth in the comment and it hit a nerve frankly isn't OP's problem. 🤷‍♀️

Wheresthebeach · 18/08/2024 18:13

Iwantamarshmallowman · 17/08/2024 18:02

I think your sister is the CF here. she should have discussed her expectations before the holiday was booked, especially regarding childcare. she's being a hypocrite for having a go at you for leaving the hotel one day when she has left every day.

This. So they can go out but you can’t? Leaving the kids is cheeky as well and really quite unfair.

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