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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not spend the whole week in the All-Inclusive that my sister paid for? She called me a CF

438 replies

HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 17:48

I’ve ruffled a few feathers in the family but I personally don’t feel I’ve done anything wrong. My sister eloped with her lovely DH in March, they’ve been together over a decade and have 3 children already so they didn’t see the point in a big white wedding. They invited us all to lunch the day after to tell us the news then surprised us saying they wanted to take us all on holiday to a lovely all-inclusive. Invited on the holiday (other than them and their DC, obviously) was me, my DP, our brother and his girlfriend, and my parents. Her DH is Australian and his family are over there hence why his side of the family weren’t included.

They were very generous. We were only expected to pay for flights but that was fine given it’s a destination covered by dirt
cheap RyanAir flights. My parents have always been quite poor so the idea of a holiday abroad was a real novelty for them. We were all incredibly grateful, lots of hugs and tears over the dinner table.

We’re on the holiday now, 5 days in and it has been quite stressful. Sister and her DH have left the resort every day together so far for “couple time” leaving us with the DC for 6+ plus. They said it’s a wedding celebration combined with their honeymoon hence why they want time alone during the day but to then come and drink with us on the evenings (though my poor DM is usually stuck in the hotel room with sleeping children). One child is a toddler so it’s been hard work. My parents, me and my brother have been splitting childcare mostly. Nobody feels as though they can say anything because Dsis and her DH paid for the holiday.

Me and my DP have been getting a bit bored, and yesterday at breakfast we announced we were going out for the day. We’re on a gorgeous island in the Mediterranean with so much history and culture and we wanted to explore. We announced we were going to look at some buildings and then eat out for the evening and that we’d see everyone later. Nothing was said. We said anyone was welcome to come but nobody fancied where we were going.

When we got back we headed to our usual spot where we tend to congregate for evening drinks. We noticed a vibe from everyone so I asked what was up. Dsis then said she found it “fucking cheeky” for us to leave the resort for dinner when she has already “paid for all of your meals” and that she felt I was ungrateful. My dad said me and DH seemed off at breakfast and he also felt it was a bit cheeky of us to announce we wanted to get out of the hotel for the day. I tried to apologise and state that it’s been lovely and we adore the hotel but that we just want to see the island, but a few drinks had been had and it got heated (I did end up feeling quite hurt so made a comment about how they have used mum for childcare, which didn’t go down well) so everyone went to bed. I tried to reconcile at breakfast this morning but there was still a lot of tension, so we’ve mainly been in our rooms.

Were we cheeky?

OP posts:
pinkspeakers · 22/08/2024 10:01

VickyPollard25 · 19/08/2024 23:44

You have to kidding. Madeline McCann would still be alive today if her parents were not neglectful, selfish, terrible human beings who left their children alone in a hotel room so they could go off drinking with their friends. This is the definition of neglect and they should be in prison.

This is an awful thing to say.

user1492757084 · 22/08/2024 09:29

You are not unreasonable but perhaps you should suggest that you three other couples take turns to escape and explore for half days every single day, as you loved what you saw so much.
Encourage the lot of you to make better plans for the remainder of the holiday.
Can each couple take one child?
Can the couple going out take one child with them, leaving two kids for the others?

Remember to thank your sister for the holiday.

Tiddlywinkly · 22/08/2024 09:24

Wait, so they get to go out and have lunches away from the resort, but you're not 'allowed' to?!

Their behaviour sounds really weird. What is said when they're heading out? Do they ask or is it assumed that they can just leave their kids? If the latter, why is no one pulling them up on it? Has anyone raised the option to have a big day out all together as discussed pre-holiday? Seems like there's some communication issues on all fronts.

Welshmonster · 22/08/2024 08:19

They feel they have paid for to childcare and entitled to your time. Your parents haven’t been abroad and are stuck babysitting rather than making use of this opportunity. If they wanted a Honey moon they should have asked for kids to stay and be looked after at home.

you already save them
a fortune on childcare with their shifts and so they owe you as if you withdrew your goodwill then they would be stuck

rentersleaf · 22/08/2024 08:15

Are you home yet @HitTheLight ?

Strugglingforanamechange · 22/08/2024 07:52

yanbu she has paid for you all to be there for childcare and dressed it up as a gift. She’s a cf. I have done this myself but I was upfront with my parents and asked them if they would accompany us on a trip to London in order to provide childcare on two out of 3 evenings as we had tickets to a show and a new born baby. I paid for all travel and accommodation. My intention was also to pay for all meals but we ended up splitting them.

Grammarnut · 20/08/2024 18:04

VickyPollard25 · 19/08/2024 23:44

You have to kidding. Madeline McCann would still be alive today if her parents were not neglectful, selfish, terrible human beings who left their children alone in a hotel room so they could go off drinking with their friends. This is the definition of neglect and they should be in prison.

I think they were mistaken to leave their children in an unlocked room, 80 yds away from them. I would not do it and nor would any member of my family - but we are working-class and keep our children near us, have them join in with the evening meal and entertainment, and if necessary hire a babysitter. We don't leave them alone. Nevertheless, I do not blame the McCanns' for behaviour I would classify as pretty stupid, and for which they (and their DD) paid a high price. I do blame the resort they were staying at, which had concealed that apparently there had been a known paedophile in the area fairly recently - Amity denying the shark.

inappropriateraspberry · 20/08/2024 13:46

So they are 'allowed' to leave the resort and do whatever they want, but god forbid anyone else does the same? So cheeky! I'd be going out every day from now on.

Aria999 · 20/08/2024 01:28

@HitTheLight what happened? Did you talk to them about it or is it all still just very uncomfortable?

blueshoes · 20/08/2024 00:10

OP has probably gone back by now.

VickyPollard25 · 19/08/2024 23:44

theduchessofspork · 17/08/2024 23:29

Oh for heavens sake, no it isn’t child neglect in the UK or anywhere. Madeleine McCann was a rare and tragic case - kids very very occasionally get snatched from home or on the way to school or whatever, you can’t run your life around such a remote possibility.

You have to kidding. Madeline McCann would still be alive today if her parents were not neglectful, selfish, terrible human beings who left their children alone in a hotel room so they could go off drinking with their friends. This is the definition of neglect and they should be in prison.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 19/08/2024 22:40

How was today OP?

Turfwars · 19/08/2024 22:05

I learned the hard way to never accept a holiday someone else pays for. In my entire life that one holiday was the most unpleasant and boring holidays I have ever had.

She is being a CF. Never go anywhere with her ever again.

Skodacool · 19/08/2024 21:06

FionnulaTheCooler · 17/08/2024 18:00

I think your sister is the cheeky one. You don't just bugger off and leave your children for others to look after unless it's been previously agreed on. Sounds like she wanted a child free honeymoon and is trying to guilt you all into it.

It's extremely bad manners to expect someone else to look after your children. I would be inclined to give her your share of what the holiday cost then do your own thing.

laraitopbanana · 19/08/2024 18:56

JabbaTheBeachHut · 18/08/2024 20:29

Her Mum's a grown woman who can speak for herself.

The OP should've left her out of it.

Maybe the mum was indeed very much aware of this hence not reacting and trying to steer everything the way she wanted…and kinda assumed that the youngest will just get along… that is, of course, not understanding the correct balance of the two sisters relationships… not counting that the two partners were present and so the role of « daughter and sister » was comibg after the one of « partner ».

it seems that this holiday was a first for everyone so big expectations were there and noone talked about nothing and assumed everything. I bet noone will make that mistake a second time and I hope they will laugh it off at Christmas 🌺

neverbeenskiing · 19/08/2024 18:38

YANBU in the slightest.

Your Dsis and DBIL are not daft. There is a reason they didn't say

"we'd like you all to come along on our honeymoon to look after our 3 kids as we'll be out for most of the day, everyday and don't want to take them with us. We'll also be out drinking in the evenings, you're welcome to join us but one of you will need to stay in with the kids every night. We'll pay for All Inclusive accommodation but you will need to pay for your own flights, and you won't be able to leave the resort so don't expect to see any of the island".

Because no one in their right mind would agree to it!

Fraaahnces · 19/08/2024 15:02

Nope… You want to know what’s cheeky? Using money to imprison your relatives with implied obligation to babysit in return without ever having the common courtesy to even ask. This is the epitome of entitled. The fact that she called YOU cheeky for wanting to GTF out of there and see the island was gaslighting. No less.

PeachyPeachTrees · 19/08/2024 14:54

She can't go out everyday and get angry when you go out 1 day! DB and girlfriend should go out 1 day and parents 1 day. At the least! I hate it when things get twisted to make you look bad when you've done nothing wrong. Does she appreciate all the child care you do back at home in the UK? It would be a shame if her CF attitude made you scale that back!!

campertess · 19/08/2024 14:52

I think you might have blinkers on when you are all at home and jump to any command she gives to you or your parents. She said it would be a family holiday with days out, and the only people who are doing that are her and her husband. As for her husband making a sarcastic remark when the nine-year-old would have had a lovely day which would have made him feel special as I'm sure there are a lot of times when he is told to keep an eye on your little brother/sister. I wonder how she would be if you decided to have children. Maybe decisions need to be addressed when you all get home and reassess just how much help you really do give to her.

ABirdsEyeView · 19/08/2024 13:40

I certainly wouldn't express any gratitude for this 'holiday' - they have lied to you all and used you - there's certainly nothing for you to be grateful for

Lovethat · 19/08/2024 12:40

Sounds like they invited you there to be baby sitters whilst them enjoyed some child free time. Would have been better if they'd informed you of this and you could have decided if you wanted to be a babysitter in a place with free food and good weather. Tbh if I'd been presented with this I might have turned it down as it's holiday used with work.

campertess · 19/08/2024 12:25

I would treat your mum and dad to a day away. It sounds like they deserve it.

Goodtogossip · 19/08/2024 10:54

Once you're home talk to your Sister & ask her what her expectations were for you all when you were invited on the holiday. Let her know you were very grateful to her & her new DH for paying for you all, however it was never made clear that they only paid for you all to go so you could babysit their kids every day. Explain that you didn't mind helping out now & then but to be expected to be at her beck & call the whole week wasn't fair or hadn't been agreed before you took them up on the offer. See what she says & then hash it out if she's still annoyed at you. She's a CF expecting to have a child free holiday/honeymoon without discussing with anyone beforehand.

appleicious · 19/08/2024 09:49

OP, this breaks my heart for your nephew (I have 3 DNs of my own). He has an interest in something, you could have shown him a real life example, gotten him out for an exciting and interesting day but his mum would rather he be lumped in with his younger siblings or go nowhere because that's what suits her. I'd imagine if he was really interested and keeps talking about it, his mum and dad will end up bringing him there before the holiday is over (hopefully).

Please also think about suggesting a family day where you all spend the day together OR a special night out for your parents before the end of the holiday. Either suggest Dsis takes them out to thank them for their childcare (but that will leave you babysitting) or offer to take them out with you and DH for a night. If they don't go on any kinds of holidays abroad, they should get to enjoy some of this one, especially after all of the unexpected childminding. Can you imagine being excited for your first holiday in ages only to find you're actually there to babysit and can't leave the resort?

Starlight1979 · 19/08/2024 09:43

HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 19:12

So there was tension even before we left for the day because when I suggested 9 year old nephew would probably enjoy where we were planning to go, Dsis just said “Nah, he’s happy enough here.” and we didn’t even get to ask him. I was hurt by that. And as I said, later on when we got back he was showing an interest in where we’d been and it made it all very awkward.

Aw that's so sad for him! So they were basically saying you take all the kids or he can't come with you. What lovely parents.

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