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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not spend the whole week in the All-Inclusive that my sister paid for? She called me a CF

438 replies

HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 17:48

I’ve ruffled a few feathers in the family but I personally don’t feel I’ve done anything wrong. My sister eloped with her lovely DH in March, they’ve been together over a decade and have 3 children already so they didn’t see the point in a big white wedding. They invited us all to lunch the day after to tell us the news then surprised us saying they wanted to take us all on holiday to a lovely all-inclusive. Invited on the holiday (other than them and their DC, obviously) was me, my DP, our brother and his girlfriend, and my parents. Her DH is Australian and his family are over there hence why his side of the family weren’t included.

They were very generous. We were only expected to pay for flights but that was fine given it’s a destination covered by dirt
cheap RyanAir flights. My parents have always been quite poor so the idea of a holiday abroad was a real novelty for them. We were all incredibly grateful, lots of hugs and tears over the dinner table.

We’re on the holiday now, 5 days in and it has been quite stressful. Sister and her DH have left the resort every day together so far for “couple time” leaving us with the DC for 6+ plus. They said it’s a wedding celebration combined with their honeymoon hence why they want time alone during the day but to then come and drink with us on the evenings (though my poor DM is usually stuck in the hotel room with sleeping children). One child is a toddler so it’s been hard work. My parents, me and my brother have been splitting childcare mostly. Nobody feels as though they can say anything because Dsis and her DH paid for the holiday.

Me and my DP have been getting a bit bored, and yesterday at breakfast we announced we were going out for the day. We’re on a gorgeous island in the Mediterranean with so much history and culture and we wanted to explore. We announced we were going to look at some buildings and then eat out for the evening and that we’d see everyone later. Nothing was said. We said anyone was welcome to come but nobody fancied where we were going.

When we got back we headed to our usual spot where we tend to congregate for evening drinks. We noticed a vibe from everyone so I asked what was up. Dsis then said she found it “fucking cheeky” for us to leave the resort for dinner when she has already “paid for all of your meals” and that she felt I was ungrateful. My dad said me and DH seemed off at breakfast and he also felt it was a bit cheeky of us to announce we wanted to get out of the hotel for the day. I tried to apologise and state that it’s been lovely and we adore the hotel but that we just want to see the island, but a few drinks had been had and it got heated (I did end up feeling quite hurt so made a comment about how they have used mum for childcare, which didn’t go down well) so everyone went to bed. I tried to reconcile at breakfast this morning but there was still a lot of tension, so we’ve mainly been in our rooms.

Were we cheeky?

OP posts:
Danglers · 17/08/2024 18:53

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ApplesOrangesBananas · 17/08/2024 18:51

So basically they just wanted free childcare?

Whats her side of the story…

HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 18:50

llamajohn · 17/08/2024 18:48

Why are you letting mil do all the evening sitting?

Mum doesn’t want to ruffle any feathers. She’s made comments to me about how she isn’t a fan of it but when we have offered she feels guilty and she won’t say anything to Dsis. My dad isn’t the best with it either, he’s a bit old fashioned in that he automatically assumes the women will rally around the kids.

OP posts:
DarkForces · 17/08/2024 18:50

I'd be super pissed off if someone expected me use my precious annual leave to babysit without asking me free holiday or not.
I'd never held a baby before dd. We managed fine. She's taking the piss

serenavanderwoodsenn · 17/08/2024 18:50

It’s not a game of sims where she can control everyone bloody hell

BleedinghellNora · 17/08/2024 18:49

So you’ve been tricked into using up a week of your annual leave to provide free childcare?

I’d be fuming with her tbh.

To answer the question in your title, YANBU to go home early.

llamajohn · 17/08/2024 18:48

Why are you letting mil do all the evening sitting?

HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 18:47

DB and his girlfriend have been doing their bit with the children but she is pregnant with their first and has exhaustion so often she will take herself to their room for a lie down, which is understandable. DB can handle the kids in small doses on his own but not for the whole day. Sister has made lots of comments about how he needs the practice.

OP posts:
Iwantascone · 17/08/2024 18:45

They are being ridiculously precious about needing 'private time' because they got married a few months ago. They've been together 10 years and have 3 children!

Most people who stay at all inclusive hotels don't sit in them all week. We still travel about and eat out a fair bit. Why are they allowed out but the rest of the family are trapped there?

DogsDinner · 17/08/2024 18:45

@MumblesParty

I don’t think it was unreasonable to go sightseeing for the day, but it might have been tactful to be back for dinner.

A big family holiday like this is not really a do entirely what you want deal, especially if you’re not paying!

I wasn’t worried about the Granny babysitting. I’m late fifties, and would much prefer babysitting after dinner than staying up drinking.

But if she was unhappy, why on earth didn’t you all take a turn? It would have been one evening each.

The kids are your nephews/nieces/grandchildren. Surely you would want to spend some time with them? You make them sound like nothing but a nuisance.

BreadInCaptivity · 17/08/2024 18:45

Whilst your sis and her DH win the CF prize, I think the fact that all you seem to think it's ok for Grandma to do ALL the evening babysitting means the rest of you are verging on CF territory....

Snugglemonkey · 17/08/2024 18:44

DogsDinner · 17/08/2024 18:18

I do think you're being a bit unreasonable. There's 6 extra adults to look after their kids for 6 hours a day.

Surely you could have managed this between you and still had plenty of free time?

It is their honeymoon, they've paid for an expensive holiday for everyone. I don't think it's unreasonable to fit in with their plans somewhat.

That is ok if that was the proposal and everyone agreed upfront. It is entirely unreasonable to act as the benificent when actually you have an ulterior motive.

HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 18:41

We invited everyone out with us but we particularly made a point of inviting DParents but they said they needed to be with at the hotel to support with the children.

After all the adults said they didn’t fancy it, we then mentioned that maybe Dsis’s 9 year old son would like to come. We were going to visit some old dungeon’s in the local town (it was suitable for kids with staff dressed up to interact with, and lots of interactive elements) and knowing his interests I think it would’ve been right up his street. He was playing on the park during this conversation so I thought Dsis would tell us to go and ask him but she fobbed us off immediately. I expected maybe she was annoyed we offered to take the 9 year old but not the 4 year old or toddler. From her perspective maybe she found it cheeky we offered to take the laidback 9 year old and not the younger kids.

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 17/08/2024 18:40

Not only is your DSis a bit of a CF but also rather controlling. She thinks it's fine for her and her DH to go out for the day but you're all supposed to be there in the evening to have dinner with them. If there's still an atmosphere I'd point out that when you were offered a holiday there was nothing said about being the childcare or that you had to eat together every day. Learn a lesson from this Op, your Dsis likes her own way a bit too much, in future if she invites you anywhere find out exactly why.

Schoolchoicesucks · 17/08/2024 18:37

Your DSIS was obviously being U getting cross with you for exploring the island.

However you were U by retaliating about your DM being forced to babysit. I agree with the PP who's said there are 6 extra adults plus them to care for 3 DC - why on earth haven't you taken it in turns if they can't stay up later with you in the evenings?

I think DSIS has been a bit U expecting that she can go off exploring every day leaving the kids without actually asking, but you should have said something before it annoyed you and sorted out a plan so everyone got to do some of what they wanted rather than wait for it to get to this point.

How long do you have left? I don't think the idea of you all being there and doing some childcare so they could have a honeymoon was so terrible. They just should have been a bit more upfront about their expectations and so should you.

Along the lines of - you and DH look after the kids in the morning, your brother and his gf in the afternoon and your parents on the evening shift. And switch it up each day, including the newlyweds.

CrotchetyQuaver · 17/08/2024 18:37

How long are you away for? ground rules need setting up for the time remaining so your DM gets a break too, and they've had 5 days child free so it's time they spent a bit of time dealing with their own kids now. They've basically scammed you all into going if this wasn't discussed before you left. Perfectly reasonable for you to leave the hotel and see the sights - why are they allowed to and you're not?

Justcallmebebes · 17/08/2024 18:37

There's only one CF in this scenario and it isn't you

I hate these huge gestures of kindness and goodwill that come with totally unreasonable conditions attached

FionnulaTheCooler · 17/08/2024 18:36

Qanat53 · 17/08/2024 18:32

Reading between the lines …. It was noted that you were a bit “off” at breakfast. Your demeanor was noticed, not viewed positively.

Perhaps it was timing and language used. Might have been more thoughtful to raise the outing at least a day before, and acknowledge the childcare needs and offer a day off to others the next day while you managed more childcare.

They're not the OPs children though, it's not her responsibility to sort out the childcare it's the children's parents.

holju · 17/08/2024 18:36

I think you shouldn't have dragged your mum into it, but aside from that, you've done nothing wrong.

SummerSplashing · 17/08/2024 18:36

Trox · 17/08/2024 18:04

So, you've paid for flights out to a babysitting gig with a running buffet?

@Trox

that sums it up pretty well!

when I was younger I used to go with families on holiday. But it was an agreed 'deal'. They paid for transport & accommodation.meals & id get x number of days/nights 'off'.

I could do what I wanted. Run my own schedule with the kids & had various budgets to do stuff with the kids (from 0 to generous!)

I've also been on holiday with friends with kids & happily had them for some of the time, but this RUDE sister could GTF, pretending she's 'shouting them a holiday' then expecting childminding every day & evening, even more so when they've had to pay their own flights and it wasn't discussed BEFORE the trip!!

Maria1979 · 17/08/2024 18:33

SwedishEdith · 17/08/2024 18:29

At the point your sister said "I've paid for you to come on an AI holiday with us" would have been the time I'd have said I've already got something else booked then. Hideous idea to assume everyone wants to go on a joint family holiday.

Well to be fair to the OP one doesn't assume that coming on a joint holiday is a synonyme to you are hostages at the hotel to take care of our DC... eller hur?:)

mcmooberry · 17/08/2024 18:33

Hmmmmmm I think knowing how my own sister might have reacted to this I would not have been "announcing" my plans but been a bit more diplomatic. The trip wasn't suitable for a toddler presumably so offering for anyone to come sounds like a pointless offer. I also see her point about wasting money. I would have asked her if she minded as your host to avoid this sort of bad atmosphere.
Totally agree she has been a CF with the childcare though. And a different kind of sister wouldn't have minded.

Qanat53 · 17/08/2024 18:32

Reading between the lines …. It was noted that you were a bit “off” at breakfast. Your demeanor was noticed, not viewed positively.

Perhaps it was timing and language used. Might have been more thoughtful to raise the outing at least a day before, and acknowledge the childcare needs and offer a day off to others the next day while you managed more childcare.

Summerisgoinggreat · 17/08/2024 18:32

the only thing you are being unreasonable for is apologising. this is some weird family dynamic and i wouldn't let other people's expectations of you dictate your holiday.

itsgettingweird · 17/08/2024 18:31

I also think your dads got some front - he's been happy to leave his wife in the room babysitting whilst he drinks with you all!

Tbf actually you could have all relieved your mum - although I don't think you should all do it every night (why can't the kids be down with you?) using your mum doing it alone when none of you offered to help probably wasn't your best argument 😂

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