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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not spend the whole week in the All-Inclusive that my sister paid for? She called me a CF

438 replies

HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 17:48

I’ve ruffled a few feathers in the family but I personally don’t feel I’ve done anything wrong. My sister eloped with her lovely DH in March, they’ve been together over a decade and have 3 children already so they didn’t see the point in a big white wedding. They invited us all to lunch the day after to tell us the news then surprised us saying they wanted to take us all on holiday to a lovely all-inclusive. Invited on the holiday (other than them and their DC, obviously) was me, my DP, our brother and his girlfriend, and my parents. Her DH is Australian and his family are over there hence why his side of the family weren’t included.

They were very generous. We were only expected to pay for flights but that was fine given it’s a destination covered by dirt
cheap RyanAir flights. My parents have always been quite poor so the idea of a holiday abroad was a real novelty for them. We were all incredibly grateful, lots of hugs and tears over the dinner table.

We’re on the holiday now, 5 days in and it has been quite stressful. Sister and her DH have left the resort every day together so far for “couple time” leaving us with the DC for 6+ plus. They said it’s a wedding celebration combined with their honeymoon hence why they want time alone during the day but to then come and drink with us on the evenings (though my poor DM is usually stuck in the hotel room with sleeping children). One child is a toddler so it’s been hard work. My parents, me and my brother have been splitting childcare mostly. Nobody feels as though they can say anything because Dsis and her DH paid for the holiday.

Me and my DP have been getting a bit bored, and yesterday at breakfast we announced we were going out for the day. We’re on a gorgeous island in the Mediterranean with so much history and culture and we wanted to explore. We announced we were going to look at some buildings and then eat out for the evening and that we’d see everyone later. Nothing was said. We said anyone was welcome to come but nobody fancied where we were going.

When we got back we headed to our usual spot where we tend to congregate for evening drinks. We noticed a vibe from everyone so I asked what was up. Dsis then said she found it “fucking cheeky” for us to leave the resort for dinner when she has already “paid for all of your meals” and that she felt I was ungrateful. My dad said me and DH seemed off at breakfast and he also felt it was a bit cheeky of us to announce we wanted to get out of the hotel for the day. I tried to apologise and state that it’s been lovely and we adore the hotel but that we just want to see the island, but a few drinks had been had and it got heated (I did end up feeling quite hurt so made a comment about how they have used mum for childcare, which didn’t go down well) so everyone went to bed. I tried to reconcile at breakfast this morning but there was still a lot of tension, so we’ve mainly been in our rooms.

Were we cheeky?

OP posts:
Jellybeanbag · 17/08/2024 19:11

Doseofreality · 17/08/2024 18:02

just tell her you didn’t realise the holiday came with a clause of temporary hostage status.

😂

Your sister is being very unreasonable. So they get to leave the kids in safe hands and go out, but you all have to stay in the resort and babysit. No thanks. I'd go out again tomorrow and take your parents with you.

Berlinlover · 17/08/2024 19:10

Your sister and brother in law are the cheeky ones expecting other people to look after the children they chose to have.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 17/08/2024 19:09

Your sister has been really cheeky to treat you all as the paid help. The only thing you could have done differently was to let your parents and brother know that you were planning to go out for the day. Making an announcement at breakfast didn't really give them time to decide whether they'd like to come with you, or who was going to look after the kids!

A better plan would have been for you, your DH, your parents and your brother to get up early and just go out for the day. And leave them to look after their own kids!!

Weiredeout · 17/08/2024 19:08

Sounds like your dad thought you would be main childcare.

A 4yo and toddler isnt that much only really needs one of your group at a time

Raree · 17/08/2024 19:07

Yanbu, but holiday with extended family rarely works, we went to a villa once with various family,NEVER again, fucking sulking teenagers, people that paid for villa having expectations cos they paid naaah fuck that you've had a lesson op, nothing is ever free, they paid for you to come for the childcare, cheeky gets.

BreadInCaptivity · 17/08/2024 19:07

Emptyheadlock · 17/08/2024 19:04

Make a fucking rota? For them to watch someone else's kids?

Exactly.

I'd say with the 5 days/evening's childcare they've already had they've done pretty well already.....

Viviennemary · 17/08/2024 19:06

They are using you as unpaid baby sitters. They are the cheeky ones.

HeyJackKerouac · 17/08/2024 19:06

Did your DSis and her new husband go out for their usual 6 hour day trip while you were out, leaving just your DPs and brother on childcare duties? Maybe they had a tricky time of it without you and then by the time you got back, resentment has kicked in, a few drinks had been had and they all ganged up on you.

YANBU in any way. A holiday with strings attached is no holiday.

Parrish · 17/08/2024 19:05

You’ve been had….your sister and her DH should have been upfront about the baby sitting

Emptyheadlock · 17/08/2024 19:04

Make a fucking rota? For them to watch someone else's kids?

BreadInCaptivity · 17/08/2024 19:04

The having paid for dinner is a red herring.

They just want you in the resort for childcare.

They a bloody cheeky going out every day but not allowing anyone else to explore.

In this situation a couple of days/evenings for them to have some couple time is fine, but abdicating parenting every day and evening is really rude of them.

Personally I'd be tempted to arrange for all the family except them to go out for the day and evening so they spend at least some time with their own kids.

Upshot is she's pissed off you didn't do her bidding and called her out on using your mum but tbh you're all enabling this crap.

2chocolateoranges · 17/08/2024 19:04

This is the reason I’d never go on holidays with others or accept a “free” holiday because they tend to come with expectations and someone always wants to be in control.

your sister sounds incredibly selfish and controlling, she should have explained the free holiday comes with strings.

WobblyBoots · 17/08/2024 19:04

llamajohn · 17/08/2024 18:54

Kids dropped on you all day without notice or asking are a fucking nuisance. A toddler and. 5 year old, and then an older semi-independent 9yo?
You have to keep the peace, make sure they've got sunscreen, read to them, make sure they've not drowning in the pool, sort out snacks, make sure they'vre drinking enough, herd them into the canteen, getting the little ones food and making sure they don't go AWOL, checking they're where they're supposed to be, keeping them in shade where needed etc. all while their parents have fucked off and left them for the day.

Exactly! I have three of very similar ages and I don't leave them all with my DM for a whole day because it's hard going. And every day for a weeks holiday!?

I would absolutely not be up for this holiday!

BeanCountingContinues · 17/08/2024 19:02

HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 18:50

Mum doesn’t want to ruffle any feathers. She’s made comments to me about how she isn’t a fan of it but when we have offered she feels guilty and she won’t say anything to Dsis. My dad isn’t the best with it either, he’s a bit old fashioned in that he automatically assumes the women will rally around the kids.

Your DM has 'made comments' to you because she wants you to do the evening babysitting.
Pregnant DSIL can't do it, and the menfolk won't, so that only leaves you. She may put up a show of objection and 'feel guilty' but really she wants you just to insist harder that you will do it and make her go downstairs for an adult dinner.
DSis has no say in this - and I expect she won't even care whether it is you or DM doing the evening babysitting.
For the rest of the holiday work out a rota for the daytimes - there are three couples and your DF and DB will just have to do their share.

Never ever go on holiday with DSis again.

Ohnobackagain · 17/08/2024 19:02

@HitTheLight “dear Sis and BIL, it was very generous of you to fund our holiday, however, had you explained up front how we’re not allowed to leave because Mum and Dad are stuck babysitting all day/evening while you do what you want, we would probably have said no, as might they have”

BetterThings · 17/08/2024 19:00

Did you know before the holiday, you were expected to provide childcare?

Your Dsis and her DH are CF. So is your dad for leaving it all to your mum. I cannot believe the honeymooners and other grown ups have left her in every night. Your dad is doubly unreasonable for being mad at you for not helping with the DC and doing feck all himself.

One day and one overnight babysitting would have been more than generous. Your Dsis and her DH decided to get married after having DC. They have DC on holiday and need to look after them

Greytulips · 17/08/2024 18:59

I would honestly have grabbed a few drinks and gone and sat with DM whilst the children were asleep.

It should’ve been fair, each of you taking a turn to sit with the kids.

DP, you, their parents and DB - could all have offered a night or two - or even 2 nights early shift with DPs doing the later shift.

There certainly shouldn’t be an expectation of full childcare!!!

I hope you have found something really interesting to do tomorrow!!

lubl · 17/08/2024 18:58

the most I would hope for (not expect) is that relatives might do the odd evening or two of babysitting for us, in this situation. What she's expecting is just cheeky as fuck and well done you for calling her out!

HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 18:57

The reason we offered to take the 9 year old specifically is because we had included some medieval dungeons on our itinerary (as I said, we wanted to have a bit of a ‘culture’ day) and he has been learning about stuff like that in school and is absolutely fascinated. He’s a bright kid and loves history. I think he’d have bitten our hands off and later on when we got back he was asking questions about what it was like. We would’ve taken him for dinner afterwards too and paid. We had already researched and knew it was age appropriate for the 9 year old. It didn’t occur to us to offer to take the younger children and I think that pissed Dsis off.

OP posts:
Tulipsareredvioletsarebue · 17/08/2024 18:56

StaunchMomma · 17/08/2024 18:55

Why aren't DS's husbands family pitching in with the childcare?

From the sounds of it, this isn't a great holiday at all. It's highly controlled babysitting and lounging about in a hotel.

If you read the OP, it explains why...

llamajohn · 17/08/2024 18:55

Id just go out each day and tell them you'll give them the money they paid for the AI for the days you went out...

StaunchMomma · 17/08/2024 18:55

Why aren't DS's husbands family pitching in with the childcare?

From the sounds of it, this isn't a great holiday at all. It's highly controlled babysitting and lounging about in a hotel.

IDontHateRainbows · 17/08/2024 18:54

Someone had to say it ( that they really just wanted free childcare)

I commend you for being that someone!

llamajohn · 17/08/2024 18:54

DogsDinner · 17/08/2024 18:45

@MumblesParty

I don’t think it was unreasonable to go sightseeing for the day, but it might have been tactful to be back for dinner.

A big family holiday like this is not really a do entirely what you want deal, especially if you’re not paying!

I wasn’t worried about the Granny babysitting. I’m late fifties, and would much prefer babysitting after dinner than staying up drinking.

But if she was unhappy, why on earth didn’t you all take a turn? It would have been one evening each.

The kids are your nephews/nieces/grandchildren. Surely you would want to spend some time with them? You make them sound like nothing but a nuisance.

Kids dropped on you all day without notice or asking are a fucking nuisance. A toddler and. 5 year old, and then an older semi-independent 9yo?
You have to keep the peace, make sure they've got sunscreen, read to them, make sure they've not drowning in the pool, sort out snacks, make sure they'vre drinking enough, herd them into the canteen, getting the little ones food and making sure they don't go AWOL, checking they're where they're supposed to be, keeping them in shade where needed etc. all while their parents have fucked off and left them for the day.

DowngradedToATropicalStorm · 17/08/2024 18:53

If you can't leave the resort, you might as well be at Butlins.

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