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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not spend the whole week in the All-Inclusive that my sister paid for? She called me a CF

438 replies

HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 17:48

I’ve ruffled a few feathers in the family but I personally don’t feel I’ve done anything wrong. My sister eloped with her lovely DH in March, they’ve been together over a decade and have 3 children already so they didn’t see the point in a big white wedding. They invited us all to lunch the day after to tell us the news then surprised us saying they wanted to take us all on holiday to a lovely all-inclusive. Invited on the holiday (other than them and their DC, obviously) was me, my DP, our brother and his girlfriend, and my parents. Her DH is Australian and his family are over there hence why his side of the family weren’t included.

They were very generous. We were only expected to pay for flights but that was fine given it’s a destination covered by dirt
cheap RyanAir flights. My parents have always been quite poor so the idea of a holiday abroad was a real novelty for them. We were all incredibly grateful, lots of hugs and tears over the dinner table.

We’re on the holiday now, 5 days in and it has been quite stressful. Sister and her DH have left the resort every day together so far for “couple time” leaving us with the DC for 6+ plus. They said it’s a wedding celebration combined with their honeymoon hence why they want time alone during the day but to then come and drink with us on the evenings (though my poor DM is usually stuck in the hotel room with sleeping children). One child is a toddler so it’s been hard work. My parents, me and my brother have been splitting childcare mostly. Nobody feels as though they can say anything because Dsis and her DH paid for the holiday.

Me and my DP have been getting a bit bored, and yesterday at breakfast we announced we were going out for the day. We’re on a gorgeous island in the Mediterranean with so much history and culture and we wanted to explore. We announced we were going to look at some buildings and then eat out for the evening and that we’d see everyone later. Nothing was said. We said anyone was welcome to come but nobody fancied where we were going.

When we got back we headed to our usual spot where we tend to congregate for evening drinks. We noticed a vibe from everyone so I asked what was up. Dsis then said she found it “fucking cheeky” for us to leave the resort for dinner when she has already “paid for all of your meals” and that she felt I was ungrateful. My dad said me and DH seemed off at breakfast and he also felt it was a bit cheeky of us to announce we wanted to get out of the hotel for the day. I tried to apologise and state that it’s been lovely and we adore the hotel but that we just want to see the island, but a few drinks had been had and it got heated (I did end up feeling quite hurt so made a comment about how they have used mum for childcare, which didn’t go down well) so everyone went to bed. I tried to reconcile at breakfast this morning but there was still a lot of tension, so we’ve mainly been in our rooms.

Were we cheeky?

OP posts:
CormorantStrikesBack · 17/08/2024 19:28

HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 19:25

Her husband also made a ‘joke‘ about how we’d offer to take the easiest kid out and not the others.

I hoped you joked back that at least that’s one more than they’re bothering with.

CormorantStrikesBack · 17/08/2024 19:27

There’s two cheeky fuckers here and it’s not you, nor your dh, or your dad or your mum.

HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 19:25

Her husband also made a ‘joke‘ about how we’d offer to take the easiest kid out and not the others.

OP posts:
WiddlinDiddlin · 17/08/2024 19:24

Yeah, the error you've made was in not realising that you're just part of the child-care entourage, and this is not actually a holiday for you at all!

This is a childcare solution for their honeymoon, because your Dsis is well aware her feckless husband is useless at parenting his own kids and shes knackered in the process of baking yet another kid he'll struggle to manage. A fact she well knows, so childcare will be a touchy subject for her.

She's cut off her nose to spite her face not letting the older boy go out with you, and again probably knows that and thats making her feel grumpy too.

They are very much the CF's here, not you.

Scorchio84 · 17/08/2024 19:24

HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 19:23

she doesn’t trust kids clubs

Oh god she just gets worse! How bloody convenient

HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 19:23

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I found it odd because I regularly take her kids out in the UK. I expect if I’d have offered to take all 3 out she would’ve been fine.

OP posts:
HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 19:23

Scorchio84 · 17/08/2024 19:21

Also is there not a kids club?

she doesn’t trust kids clubs

OP posts:
SunshineDucks · 17/08/2024 19:23

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 19:23

I adore all of Dsis’s children and regularly see them in the UK so it’s not a case of me finding them a nuisance, I was gutted when sister fobbed off my offer to take DN out. The younger kids wouldn’t have gotten anything out of it.

The toddler is lovely but is in the “mummy mummy mummy” phase and tantrums whenever Dsis hands him to somebody and walks away.

Dsis and her DH made out we’d spend all holiday together and go out together then it just played out completely differently as they bugger off without inviting anyone, even their own kids.

OP posts:
BeanCountingContinues · 17/08/2024 19:22

CeruleanBelt · 17/08/2024 19:19

Then her mother should say no.

Ideally yes, Mum should stand up for herself. But she won't - she "feels guilty" and is I expect conditioned to always put her offspring before herself.
So OP has to step up here for Mum's sake.
OP has lots of opportunities for other holidays, but this one is special for her parents.

Scorchio84 · 17/08/2024 19:21

Also is there not a kids club?

anyolddinosaur · 17/08/2024 19:20

Well what an ungrateful lot. No you shouldnt be confined to the hotel but you could have gone after breakfast and joined everyone for dinner. And make the useless men step up and either you all go out for the day or they do some childcare.

How much longer do you have? Surely 7 adults can tell the parents their children need time with them too.

CeruleanBelt · 17/08/2024 19:19

BeanCountingContinues · 17/08/2024 19:12

Unfortunately that is the situation OP finds herself in. Because if all the adults don't step up and take turns, it will fall to Mum which would be totally unfair.

Yes Dsis and BIL are assholes. But DB's girlfriend (I said DSIL before) is pregnant and needs rest, and DF and DB are being useless men.

OP could try and arrange for DF, DM, DB, and DB'GF to sneak out for the day with her, leaving DSIS with her own children, but I doubt Mum would agree to do this. So the only way to rescue her parent's rare and special holiday abroad is to do a rota, so that at least DM and DF have some semblance of a holiday.

OP has to step in now for her Mum's sake, and never ever forgive DSis or forget this.

Then her mother should say no.

Zanatdy · 17/08/2024 19:19

You’re not unreasonable, they are for not adding the fact you’d be looking after their 3 kids all day in exchange for them paying for the holiday. It would have been easier if they’d have just gone on honeymoon and you’d all shared the childcare at home

RedRobyn2021 · 17/08/2024 19:19

YANBU

Londonrach1 · 17/08/2024 19:18

Yanbu. ..they are totally cf. Even if they paid for the holiday. If you were paid staff you get time off. You not a nanny. Tomorrow take your dm and df, bil and pregnant sil and go out. They need to step up and parent your DS and dbil. Shocked. Your poor mum stuck in A resort not able to see the country.

bloomingbonkerz · 17/08/2024 19:17

Cheeky sods

mrlistersgelfbride · 17/08/2024 19:15

YANBU.
Your sister has 3 kids. She should look after them or be upfront about trying to sort childcare with you before the holiday. It's so bloody cheeky to blackmail other people into free babysitting.
I feel sorry for your mum, poor woman is getting a raw deal out of this.

Scorchio84 · 17/08/2024 19:13

YADNBU! This all should have been explained before hand & if it had been you all could have made plans about who takes a day each or something, your poor mam being left in the room
This could have been so easily decided about & planned for if they'd just been honest

chuckingfarities · 17/08/2024 19:12

Bloody hell ... did she see you all as the flipping nanny? Absolutely not on for her and dh to do this. That'd royally piss me off. Your time can't be bought. Why on earth would she try this on?!

Wouldhavebeenproficient · 17/08/2024 19:12

So she's allowed to leave the resort but you're not?

BeanCountingContinues · 17/08/2024 19:12

Emptyheadlock · 17/08/2024 19:04

Make a fucking rota? For them to watch someone else's kids?

Unfortunately that is the situation OP finds herself in. Because if all the adults don't step up and take turns, it will fall to Mum which would be totally unfair.

Yes Dsis and BIL are assholes. But DB's girlfriend (I said DSIL before) is pregnant and needs rest, and DF and DB are being useless men.

OP could try and arrange for DF, DM, DB, and DB'GF to sneak out for the day with her, leaving DSIS with her own children, but I doubt Mum would agree to do this. So the only way to rescue her parent's rare and special holiday abroad is to do a rota, so that at least DM and DF have some semblance of a holiday.

OP has to step in now for her Mum's sake, and never ever forgive DSis or forget this.

HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 19:12

So there was tension even before we left for the day because when I suggested 9 year old nephew would probably enjoy where we were planning to go, Dsis just said “Nah, he’s happy enough here.” and we didn’t even get to ask him. I was hurt by that. And as I said, later on when we got back he was showing an interest in where we’d been and it made it all very awkward.

OP posts:
CeruleanBelt · 17/08/2024 19:11

So none of these kids are even yours?

She should have told you all that you are there as unpaid childcare so you could have made a decision of whether to go or not.

Does your sister usually get her own way? I'm sensing a golden child.

MumChp · 17/08/2024 19:11

Migraine. I would get a migraine or tommy ache.
Watch some Netflix in my bed and relax. Maybe walk out a backdoor of the resort for some sightseeing.

Other people's children are not my responsibility. I don't mind helping but you don't walk out abd expect me to care for 3 children under 10 yo. No way.

It isn't such a generous holiday having paid the flights yourself that you can be expected to provide daily childcare. At all.

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